everyday i feel really depressed. even when im happy i feel like shit because i know it isnt going to last. nothing in my life has.

i haven't had irl friends in basically over a year now, and whenever i feel like im going to make one it just falls apart. i cant do anything right.

i've been physically and mentally abused by multiple stepdads, my mom got accused of something she never did, my brother got hooked on drugs and stabbed 2 people.

life at home has just always sucked i guess. i keep trying to make it better and help my mom improve herself and stop smoking and drinking, but it never stays that way.

school was horrible, i had friends as a kid but each time i moved schools i had less and less. i never even enjoyed school. i want to learn stuff i'd enjoy doing.

making people happy for example. i love making people happy, i know i cant make myself happy so its the next best thing.

i'm told a lot that i'm just lazy. yeah. i probably am. but at this point i cant be bothered to try. like i said, nothing stays.

every time something good happens like with gmod tower, it just falls apart. i lost friends cause of it and am now villified by the tu community.

it was fun while it lasted yeah, but its gone now. im permabanned from gmtd and probably banned from gmtr aswell.

sometimes i wish i could just go back to being 7 years old when i had friends and didnt have to constantly be fucking sad and just hide it.

because whenever i tell people this stuff it just pushes them away.i'm probably just a fucking idiot. life sucks and i have to deal with it. i'd probably kill myself if i wasnt so afraid of death and upsetting the people i care about.

and as for self harm, i've never understood that. either kill yourself or dont. self harming doesnt help anything.

i honestly dont know what i'll do once im 18 either. i'm most likely going to end up homeless and everyone who cares about me will have left me by then.

i used to be optimistic, and i still say i am, but i'm not. i can barely think positively anymore.

no one wants to be friends with the depressed kid so i just constantly act like im happy, making jokes and shit. but its been getting harder the more i think of how close i am to being 18.

i've had a therapist too but, it feels like its just too late for that. they cant help with whats happened or whats going to happen, they can only talk to me.