dave learns to diddle

-Maybe we should be Davesprite. Yeah, let's be Davesprite. He's in the human lounge again today, picking up stray orange feathers. Sometimes he's gotta clean up after himself. And now that he's done molting, it seems like a good time.-

-Jane busts into the human lounge, excitedly waving a white cylinder that looks like some kind of battery around.-
Jane: DAVE!
Jane: LOOK!

-Dave accidentally drops ALL THE FEATHERS HE JUST COLLECTED in surprise.-
Dave: fuckin christ
Dave: what
Dave: is that a massive battery

Jane: it's not just A battery.
Jane: it's THE battery.

Dave: the batt- oh shit
Dave: you mean for the console thing right

Jane: yeah!
Jane: it's not the real battery, of course.
Jane: it's kind of a mock up.
Jane: but it should work!

Dave: im a little bit nervous about it
Dave: when you try it out maybe you should test it on something that doesnt matter first
Dave: like
Dave: idk
Dave: turn some water into wine before you go fucking around with my existance

-She lights up and says excitedly.-
Jane: i could make my boobs smaller!

-[Dave]internal devastation-
Dave: ok well fuck with something thats not on someones bod first before you do that
Dave: you dont want to accidentally give yourself tentacle tits

Jane: oh.
Jane: yeah, that'd be weird.
Jane: what is with you and tentacles.
Jane: i thought that was a lalonde thing.

Dave: see no this is the opposite of the lalonde thing
Dave: they like tentacles
Dave: im thinking of tentacles because its the weirdest and grossest thing thats coming to mind
Dave: pretty big difference there

Jane: pfftheheh.
Jane: i'll try it on some water or something.
Jane: see if i can turn it into ice.

Dave: no do the wine thing
Dave: dont you wanna feel like jesus
Dave: besides then you have a free victory drink

Jane: i don't drink, though.

Dave: at least you would if wine didnt taste like dionysuses anus

Jane: i've always wondered if there was a nice tasting alcoholic drink, but most of it tastes terrible.

Dave: the only ones that taste good are the ones that hide the alcohol taste which technically defeats the purpose

Jane: oh.

Dave: i dunno how lalonde could stomach so much of the stuff
Dave: my lalonde i mean

Jane: my lalonde did the same.

Dave: i cant remember the last time i talked to the lalonde from not my personal timeline
Dave: really what for

Jane: ross? i think he just did it to feel better.

Dave: i mean like being stuck in a dead end doomed timeline with dead friends is one thing and i didnt blame her

Jane: i'm not going to question their motivations. we all have vices.

Dave: maybe we should change the subject

Jane: yeah.
-Jane rubs at her arm. Apparently, the whole debacle with Lalondes is still a sore subject for her.-
Jane: so uh.
Jane: what's with all the feathers?
Jane: were you going to make a pillow?

Dave: i was trying to be a model citizen of the human lounge and cleaning up after myself
Dave: idk maybe
Dave: i dont know what else i was gonna do with these things besides cram them into a corner of my sylladex
Dave: itd be kinda weird to make a pillow out of it
Dave: be like aw yes lemme rest my head on this bag stuffed with my own sheddings
Dave: or give it to someone as a gift
Dave: yes here you go some nasty dave moltings to keep you comfortable

Jane: hahaha, gross.
-Tossing the battery into her magic hat sylladex, Jane plops onto the couch and stretches, basically going limp afterward. She's obviously kind of sweaty and tired looking.-
Jane: that battery better work. it took way too long to make for it to do absolutely nothing.

Dave: how hard were you working on that thing for it to make you sweat
-Dave sits his ghost booty on the back of the couch, looking down at Jane-

Jane: i've been up for a while and the alchemiter actually starts heating up if you do a lot of alchemizing.
Jane: which makes sense. it is still a machine and heat is a result of friction and energy loss escaping into the atmosphere.

Dave: yeah i guess that makes sense
Dave: i never noticed that before but probably because i did pretty much all my alchemizing on an already unbearably hot planet
Dave: fuck lohac btw
Dave: i hate weather

Jane: but i am weather.
Jane: that hurts, dude.
Jane: right here.
-She pats her heart. Or at least as close to it as she can get.-

Dave: ok lemme rephrase
Dave: i hate the ambient temperature part of weather

Jane: hehehe.

Dave: breezes are cool with me though
Dave: especially since they make heat more bearable
Dave: when are you planning to do the thing

Jane: probably after i get some sleep.
Jane: i've been working on this all day.
Jane: there were a lot of failures.

Dave: makes sense
Dave: im kinda nervous

Jane: that's okay, this isn't exactly something that happens to everyone.

-Dave turns around and plops backwards-upsidedown on the couch, tail hanging over the back and head dangling upsidedown off the seat.-
Dave: i hope it works
Dave: id like to just be a human again
Dave: maybe get that bird out of my head too

Jane: i really hope it works, too.
Jane: i was thinking. i haven't seen the other dave. you know, the "real one."
Jane: even after the whole thing with dawn and the split timelines.
Jane: what if you're the real dave?

Dave: im not im davesprite

Jane: okay.

Dave: im from a doomed timeline and thats that
Dave: alpha dave is alpha dave
Dave: he never came from a doomed timeline and never becoems a sprite and hes the one that went godtier
Dave: thats just how timelines roll
Dave: he probably gallivanted off somewhere to be an asshole

Jane: yeah, probably.
Jane: i'm not missing him.

Dave: would you miss me if i flew off into the sun or something

Jane: yes.
Jane: if you watermarked the sky when you left, that wouldn't be much of a consulation prize.

Dave: not even if it went all like
Dave: simbaaa you are my sonnn
Dave: and the one true kinng

Jane: nope, sorry.
Jane: even movie references wouldn't save you from me being mad about you just disappearing.
Jane: just going "poof" is my thing.

Dave: (rememberrr whooo you arrrre)

-Jane grabs a pillow and doofs him with it.-

Dave: bmuh!
-Dave paps at Jane and the pillow-
Dave: i guess im flattered overall
Dave: if you dont really miss other me but
Dave: youd miss me
-[D] "i guess" he says. His cheeks and ears are yellow.-

Jane: i don't know other you that well.
Jane: and you're not the same person, so.
Jane: bleh, i smell like sweat.

Dave: you dont smell too bad

Jane: uh oh. dave sprite has a sweat fetish.
Jane: eeeew.

Dave: oh gross thats not what i said

Jane: eeeeeeeeew.
Jane: hehehe.

-Dave rolls his eyes behind his shades-
Dave: would doing your breezy thing help with the sweaty thing at all

Jane: oh.
Jane: yeah!
Jane: i didn't think about that.
Jane: i mean, i'm not sweaty now.
Jane: the smell is just kind of lingering.
Jane: i'm going to go change.

Dave: are you going to take a shower too or just slap on some deodorant and call it done

Jane: just a quick shower!
Jane: don't worry, i'll be out in a second.

Dave: alright ill just be here
Dave: maybe try and pick up the feathers again

-Jane breezes away, turning into the wind and leaving her clothes behind.-

Dave: oh
-Dave is just left with a pile of slightly smelly Jane clothes.-
Dave: wait yo you just practically flew around the room naked and i didnt even get to see rude
-[D] shes probably gone already dingdong-

-She is, but she did hear him. Don't worry, Dave, you'll be getting an interesting surprise in a second.-

-Dave makes a funny face at the Jane laundry and floats himself upright, deciding to be a DECENT PERSON and picking up the clothes off the couch and putting them in a small pile by Jane's door(instead of leaving stanky laundry on the nice couch) before sighing and resigning to going back to picking up feathers.-

-[J]If you listen carefully, you can hear Jane singing in the shower.-

-Dave stops halfway bent to pick up a feather from the floor near Jane's room and cocks his head. She's singing in the shower? What a dweeb.-

-[J]It isn't long before Jane's out, still in windy form and swooping around the room to grab her clothes. She appears in from of Davesprite and basically pours into her clothing before going solid again.-
Jane: boo.

-Dave fluffs all his feathers up in surprise, squawking and dropping the feathers he's gathered AGAIN.-
Dave: god dont DO that

Jane: hahaha, sorry!
-Jane's choice of attire? A green tanktop that isn't entirely stretched out for her fit and some gym shorts.-
Jane: you really should be used to me floating around like that, though.

Dave: i dont think anyone can get used to that honestly
-Dave's eyes wander down on accident... and then snaps back up to Jane's face. Thank god for his shades. And hopefully she'll think the yellow tint to his ears and cheeks is from being startled.-
Dave: so uh
Dave: when were you planning on going and doing the console thing
Dave: like tomorrow or

Jane: yep! i'm going to get some rest before i go messing with this thing.

Dave: probably a good idea
Dave: itd suck if the thing exploded on you
Dave: that wouldnt count as heroic right

Jane: i'd hope not!
Jane: it's not really heroic to have my own investment in this.

Dave: your own investment
Dave: what you mean the eradication of upper back pain or

Jane: haha, no.
Jane: i was joking about that.

Dave: oh
-[D]internal relief-
-[D]and maybe another glance down- and right back up-

Jane: sure, they're a pain sometimes, but...i dunno, it's complicated.

Dave: so whatd you mean personal investment then

Jane: i'd like to see you human because it'd make you happy.

Dave: oh
-Dave's face goes even more yellow and he fluffs up his feathers.-
Dave: well uh
Dave: wow
Dave: ok
Dave: thats
Dave: pretty nice

Jane: heh.

Dave: thanks jane
Dave: that means a lot to me

Jane: hey, someone's got to watch out for you.

Dave: normally people dont
Dave: you know
Dave: just do shit to make me happy
Dave: so really
Dave: thanks

Jane: it gives me something to do.
Jane: honestly, do you know how bored i would be without you around?
Jane: so, consider this me paying you back.
-Dave smiles a little, still looking pretty yellow in the face.-
Dave: well im glad i keep someone entertained

Jane: most of the times. sometimes, you're a pain in the butt.

Dave: wow excuse you
Dave: maybe i should ignore you for a week see how you like that
Dave: ok nevermind i dont think i could
Dave: fuck

Jane: i'm not exactly easy to ignore.
Jane: especially when you have to live with me.

Dave: i dont HAVE to live with you
Dave: i could just stay in the walls and only come out to alchemize more chips
Dave: but id rather chill with you so
Dave: youre welcome

Jane: that's true, but you'd get as bored as i would. besides, i bet the view is better out here.

Dave: better view huh
-Dave glances down again on accident, then back up at Jane's face. Seriously, shades are a lifesaver.-
Dave: yeah i guess you could say that
-[D]He swallows dryly-

-Jane looks up at him with a grin, but it's not her typical, enthusiastic smile. It's knowing. She quirks an eyebrow and places her hands to cross behind her, bouncing on the toes of her feet as she tries to read Dave's eyes.-
Jane: what do you really think of me?

-Dave clears his throat. Oh god oh god she knows howd she catch me fuck shit christ-
Dave: what do you mean
Dave: i told you i liked you didnt i

Jane: yeah but... more specific than that.
-[J]She takes a small step closer, tilting her head ever so slightly at him.-

-[D]He fluffs up his feathers, swallowing again.-
Dave: yo isnt this psychoanalyzing passive aggressive bs lalondes thing
Dave: spit it out jane what are you getting at here
Dave: are you trying to get me to admit i have the hots for you or something

Jane: yeah, basically
-Jane doesn't even break eye contact with him, even though it's obvious she wants to.

Dave: yeah well
-[D]Oh man his voice is starting to crack a little. You have him on the ropes, Egbert.-
Dave: maybe i do alright youre my best friend except with extra
Dave: uh
Dave: assets
Dave: like you put all your extra points in your voluptuosity stats instead of whatever stats the other egbert got
Dave: ok that one started to get away from me there
Dave: christ stop staring at me like that what else do you want from me im sorry for staring at your boobs okay wait shit FUCK
-Dave gives up and just covers his face with his hands, feathers still fluffed up.-

-Jane slowly reaches to take Dave sprite's wrists and gently pull them from his face, actively waiting until he's looking at her again to roll her eyes and smile at hime.-
Jane: if were still asking about what i want, then i have a request. after we've fixed you up, i want you to take me out on a date.

Dave: uh
-[D]He just kinda stares at her, eyebrows raised above the rims of his shades.-
Dave: well uh yeah
Dave: yeah cool i can do that
-[D]He gives her a pretty dorky halfsmile. He feels all warm in the gut. That's a good thing, right? It definitely feels pleasant.-
Dave: got anywhere specific in mind you wanna go
Dave: dont think ive ever been to midnight city

Jane: that'd be fun. i could wear a nice dress. i wouldn't blame you for staring, then.

Dave: oh so you blame me for staring now
-Dave rolls his eyes and crosses his arms.-
Dave: did you steal that tank top from a 9 year old boy
Dave: because goddamn girl
-[D]He totally didn't just glance again. Nope.-

Jane: you know, orange is easier to see through than black.
-Jane taps her glasses.-

-Dave's eyes widen and the color drains from his face(but his ears burn yellow).-
Dave: fuck
-[D]And there's a tingling below his gut and he at first thinks is shame, but then he quickly realizes that is not shame, he knows shame very well and that is definitely not it.-
Dave: wait fuck what
-[D]He glances down, expecting to find something caught in his crotch-down and tickling him or something. Instead he's met with the sight of his groin area growing yellow, cloaca gradually becoming puffy. Very suddenly he turns around around and grabs the largest pillow from the couch, clutching it to his lower torso, panic-mutterring cusses and oh gods under his breath and really hoping Jane just thinks he's had a shame overload.-

-Jane pulls away, more in confusion than anything. She can hear Dave sprite muttering and sputtering very clearly.-
Jane: hey... are you okay?

-Dave's feathers are way fluffed up, his ears so yellow they practically glow(and they actually might be- his blood is luminescent after all).-
Dave: no fuck im- yeah!!
Dave: yeah im fine ha ha wow i just really fucked up a minute ago right
-[D]He loudly clears his throat.-
Dave: maybe i should ollie outy before i embarrass myself further thats probably a good idea
Dave: wouldnt want you to change your mind about that date

Jane: that'd be a little hard to do. look, they're just boobs. i really don't mind. heck, some days i look in the mirror and stare myself.

-[D]He keeps the pillow clutched and tries to avoid facing Jane, so she won't see the pure panic written all over his face.-
Dave: woah hey lookit the time ive got something really important to do that im late for i guess i better jet
-[D]That's some bullshitm before Jane showed up he was boredly cleaning up moltings. Plus, he NEVER has any plans. What a shitty liar.-

-Jane visibly shifts from worried to defensive the moment she detects Dave's lie. She'd learned two things over her time in the game and in her relationship with Dawn: being the last one in the loop sucked and being lied to sucked even more. She wasn't going to have that here.-
Jane: you're not exactly a good liar to begin with and it's pretty obviously you're full of it right now. what's the deal?

-[D]Caught in his lie, Dave quickly realizes there's no point in continuing to try and hide it. He half turns to look at Jane, panic all over his face.-
Dave: i dont know its never done this before i dont know whats happening fuck fuck shit fuck

Jane: whoa, whoa! what's happening? are you going to explode or something? please don't explode, that would really suck and i'm not sure i could bring you back.

-[D]He clings to the pillow held against his pelvis like he'll fall apart if he doesn't, and just blurts out words.-
Dave: i dont KNOW oh god am i dying its getting all damp is it supposed to be wet are my insides melting and trying to leak out oh my god aaaaaAAAAA
-[D]Wow is this bir dridiculously dramatic.-

Jane: oh god, no! don't die, i don't know! don't know bird parts, animals aren't my thing! are you sick, did you get and infection or something why are you leaking?
-Jane isn't really helping.-

Dave: i dont know i dont know whats happening it just started feeling weird all of a sudden and doing a thing and now its LEASKING oh god i dont know whats happening to me whats it DOING
-Dave starts flapping his wings in panic, squawking. These idiots are getting nowhere fast.-

Jane: what is IT? i'm still lost on that part!

Dave: the fucking CLOACA
-[D]His face goes very, very yellow. He very rarely talks about that thing.-
Dave: am i having really bad hemorrhoids fuck i dont know why this is happening all of a sudden

Jane: ...did you have to pee real bad or something? that... that happens to some people.

Dave: this isnt PEE egbert i dont even pee like that anymore i do this gross thing where all the waste comes out at once and this AINT THAT
-[D]Now he's embarrassed even more, on top of freaked out.-

Jane: ew. would you stop flapping around like that and chill out! i don't think you're dying. becoming more hysterical and manic tends to not happen just before you die. hold still.
-Jane places a hand on her head in conjunction with a palm against Dave sprite's forehead. She's focused on measuring the temperature difference, but Dave sprite might notice something else to focus on if he looks down.-

Dave: i just- its just- mmmffrgh
-[D]He stops flapping and squawking, though his feathers stay standing on end, and he lets Jane touch his forehead to test his temperature. His face is very warm, but it's likely not from fever, considering how flushed he gets whenever he's embarrassed, upset, flattered, etc. He whines, staring at Jane and waiting for her to say something. Out of worry, he glances down, intending to look at the pillow and maybe move it a little to check the damages, only to get an eyeful of something that sends the heat in his face even higher. His breath hitches and he makes a funny sound in his throat before clenching his eyes shut.-
Dave: fffffuck

Jane: what, what is it? are you hurting?
-Jane takes her hand away, looking up at him with more apprehension this time. His temperature was find but his freaking out was still not under control.-

Dave: no it doesnt hurt it feels WEIRD
Dave: its warm and it tingles kinda like a bad itch i really need to scratch and its LEAKING and its literally never fucking done this before i dont know what to DO
-[D]He flaps his wings a few times again with a squawk, still being a big dumb panicky bird.-

-Jane's expression takes on a look of intense concentration as something hits her. A realization. You can almost see a light click on in the back of her mind as she hurries away for awhile, shouting "i'll be right back" to Dave Sprite. It takes a few moments, but she comes back while holding a small cardboard box.-
Jane: i want you to use what's in here. i'm going to leave for...um...i'll give you an hour and a half. that should be plenty of time. they're all clean, so you don't have to worry about that.

Dave: what

-[J]Her face is beet red, despite how hard she's trying to keep a level expression.-

-Dave frowns at her, confused. He wants HELP, not for Jane to abandon him with a mystery box.-
Dave: what are you talking about

Jane: this will help, i promise! you're not dumb, you'll figure out what's in here and what to do.

-Dave squints at Jane suspicious and, still holding the pillow to himself with one arm, he reaches out to accept the small box with the other, shaking it a little.-
Dave: i dont get it but
Dave: ok

Jane: you'll see! the ghostbuster one has multiple settings, so that might take some fiddling with. just relax and it'll come to you.
Jane: oh, and lock the door.

Dave: wait are you locking me in your room jeeze egbert we havent even gone on our date yet

-Jane approaches the window, her Hero of Breath garb magically forming around her as she prepares to leave Dave Sprite to this little adventure.-
Jane: not my room, just..to the whole place.
Jane: having someone barge in is embarrassing.

Dave: but isnt chick me lurking around here somewhere

Jane: okay, fine. you can use my room.

Dave: ok
Dave: i still dont know what youre getting at anyhow but
Dave: whatever
Dave: just leave me here alone to probably die

Jane: you won't die, stupid. you're just horny.
Jane: later! i'll be back!
-[J]And with that, she's gone.-

Dave: wh- wait jane wha-
-[D]And he's alone. And so very very confused. And he opens the box and OH.-
Dave: oh
-[J]BUSTIN MAKEs ME FEEL GOOD-

(( http://homestuck.bandcamp.com/track/busting-makes-me-feel-good :D ))
// cue diddling montage to this song. //

-[D]Let's be totally honest here Davesprite probably only lasts a couple minutes with a diddler. He spent a good half of that hour & a half Jane left him with just staring at the contents of the box and doing the annoying should i or shouldn't i thing. And then when he finally turns one on it startles him and he drops it on the floor like an idiot.

And then when he finally gets around to using one he honestly just lasts maybe a solid 120 seconds before 7 years pent up sexual frustration struggles to make an escape.

He spent the rest of his time making sure he didnt leave any wet spots anywhere(besides the pillow, which he plans on making a clean copy of later) and cleaning the toys he used because he's polite.

And then sitting there on the couch in a "oh god what have i done" sort of daze while waiting for Jane to return.-

-[J]And like some sort of magical, sex related genie, Jane is there in a woosh and a poof, appearing across from Davesprite in a cross-legged sitting position.-

-Dave immediately goes kinda yellow in the face at Jane's appearance, folding his wings around himself. Aw, he's shy.-
Dave: hey

Jane: hi.
Jane: how you feeling?

Dave: well im still not 100% sure im not at least slightly dying but i guess im better

-Jane rolls her eyes before floating over and plopping down beside Davesprite.-
Jane: i'm sure you're fine.

Dave: i feel like a complete moron
Dave: but thats seriously never happened before

Jane: heh. that's almost flattering.

Dave: congrats jane you gave me my first arousal in 7 years i hope youre proud

Jane: i am!
-[J]She grins cheekily at him.-

-Dave rolls his eyes.-
Dave: i honestly had no idea my junk could do that

Jane: you learn something new everyday?
Jane: there is no way i can make this situation not awkward, so i'm just trying to make jokes.

Dave: well i guess theres really no point in beating around the bush so why bother

Jane: heh, yeah.
Jane: uh.
Jane: sorry.
Jane: i kind of panicked when i figured out what was going on.

Dave: i was already panicking so

Jane: so i sort of threw the plan together and went with whatever my brain decided was a good idea before it shut down.

Dave: well thanks i guess
Dave: im still unsure how i feel about all this