Eng Funny Cow (2017)

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Subtitles by explosiveskull

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(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

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MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a big welcome to Funny Cow!

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(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

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Thank you. Thank you very much,
and good evening.

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Can I just say how very, very nice
it is to be here this evening.

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It is. It's very nice.

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But, then again, I'm from Rotherham,
so it's... It's nice to be anywhere.

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(LAUGHTER)

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You see, in Rotherham,
we're not twinned with anywhere.

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It's unfortunate, that. But we do have
a suicide pact with Doncaster.

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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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Now, talking of suicide...

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This bloke, right,
he goes into t'library,

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and he's having a mooch about,
looking up shelves.

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Librarian, she sees him,
so she goes over.

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She says, "Excuse me, sir.
Can I help you?"

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He said, "I'm looking for some books
on suicide, but I can't seem to find any."

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She says, "Yeah, that's 'cause the buggers
never bring 'em back."

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(LAUGHTER)

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Look at my hands.
They're not right.

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Well, this one is. T'other one's left.

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(LAUGHS)

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But they're not like yours.
They're different.

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They've got no work in 'em.

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And that's tired me out.

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You see...

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I don't know whether
to hit you with 'em...

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Or stroke you with 'em.

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My dad were t'same with his,

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although he didn't go in
for stroking much.

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I don't think he knew he wanted to.

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I had a funny relationship with my dad.

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He were an 'ard man, very 'ard.

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I remember this kid on our street say,
"I bet my dad can beat up your dad."

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And I thought, "Fucking hell. When?"

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(LAUGHTER)

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- Things changed when my dad died.
- AUDIENCE: Aw.

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What do you mean, "Aw?"

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My mam, she took it bad.

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She turned to drink.

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She went out on t'game.

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One night she come home
with one pound and two pence.

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I said, "Bloody hell, Mam,
who's give you two pence?"

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She said, "They all have."

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(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

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I was about eight or nine.
I was at school.

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And you know when you have to do
one of them talks?

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You know, what you're gonna be
when you grow up.

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And it were Yvonne Wilson, and she said...

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I should be a clown because I was silly.

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And Mr Harrison...
He were the teacher... He agreed.

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And I thought, "That's what I'll do.

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"It'll be my job to make 'em laugh."

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(APPLAUSE)

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♪ She's a funny cow

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♪ Always acts the clown

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♪ To all those faces in dark places

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♪ So many rain-grey towns

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♪ But any second now

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♪ She'll bring down the house

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♪ She's a funny cow

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♪ She's a funny cow

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♪ See her take a bow

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♪ The stages that she graces
so much bigger now

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♪ And by any means how

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♪ She'll bring down this house

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♪ She's a funny cow...

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Oh.

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Thank you.

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Who are you?

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Are you famous?

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(CHUCKLES)

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♪ Something better's coming

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♪ And it's just around the bend

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♪ She will not forget her roots

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♪ Or where it all began

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♪ One click of those ruby slippers

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♪ And she's home again

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♪ She's a funny cow

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- How many houses have you got?
- Eh? What you on about?

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- One. One house.
- She says you've got seven.

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We haven't.
We've got one house, not seven.

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- Has she got five bikes?
- No.

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- She hasn't got a bike. She borrows mine.
- (LAUGHTER)

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She's a lying bastard.
Your sister's a lying bastard.

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You think I've gotta come down
from here, don't you?

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You think I've gotta come down.
Well, I'm not.

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Lying bastard. Bighead.

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GIRL:
Lying bastard. Bighead.

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(SHE GIGGLES)

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- All right?
- Yeah.

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- Going down t'ginnel?
- Yeah.

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Good.

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Where are you going?

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I'm talking to you.

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You think you're summat, don't you?
Summat special.

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Well, you're not.
You're a piece of shit.

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Come on, bighead. Come on.

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- Argh!
- (THUD)

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She's covered in shit.
Look, shit-arse. You've shit yourself.

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- You dirty cow.
- I am. I'm a dirty cow, me.

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Eurgh. She's picked it up.
She's picked it up!

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Yeah, you can call me Dog Shit Dora.

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(SCREAMING AND SHOUTING)

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(SHE LAUGHS)

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(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

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(FIRE CRACKLING)

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- Where have you been?
- Where's my mam?

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- Eh?
- Where's my mam?

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She's out there
with her stupid fucking mates...

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While I'm in here with no dinner.

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Make me a tea.

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What you doing?

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- I said make me a cup of tea.
- Get your own tea.

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- What did you say?
- You heard.

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Make me a fucking cup of tea now.

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Get your own cup of fucking tea.

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You cheeky little fucking...
Come here!

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Who do you think
you're fucking talking to?

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- Shut your fucking mouth...
- (SHE MOANS SOFTLY)

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...and don't answer me back,
you little fucking cow!

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Get up! Get up!

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Get fucking up!

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Are you angry, Dad?
You seem angry again.

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Get out. Get out.

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- Fucking tea!
- (CLATTERING)

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(BIRDSONG)

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(WHISPERS)
Yippee.

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Page 116.

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The Day Thou Gave Us, Lord, Is Ended.

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(ORGAN PLAYS)

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Oh, it's bloody cold in here.

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It will warm up in a minute, Mam.

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Bye, you miserable bastard!

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(TWIST IT, SHAKE IT PLAYING)

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♪ What you say
while you're running away from me?

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♪ It's not like I've ever hurt you

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(WHOOPING)

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♪ But bad intentions
whatever mentioned

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♪ I don't know but I've had to presume

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♪ Won't you stay
now it's out of the way

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♪ And we can do
what we really want to?

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♪ Why don't you stand, Jackie,
so take my hand now

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♪ We can dance the night through

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♪ Well, twist it, twist it
twist it, twist it right now

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♪ And you will find your feet

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♪ Rock and roll and swing it
shake it all out

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♪ And then you can shake on me

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♪ Well, twist it, twist it,
twist it, twist it right now

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♪ Before it's time to go...

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- Now, then.
- Hello.

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My name's Bob. Want a drink?

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No.

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Get off.

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- I thought so.
- It'll grow on you.

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(PANTING)

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- (CAR SUSPENSION SQUEAKING)
- (SHE LAUGHS) Ah! Watch my fucking head!

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- (LAUGHS) Oh!
- (HE GRUNTS)

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(MOANS OF PLEASURE)

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(SHE SQUEALS)
Watch out. Ow!

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(HE GASPS)

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(SHE SIGHS)

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(BREATHLESS LAUGHTER)

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I've summat to tell you.

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I'm back on t'game.
That'll be two quid.

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Oh, aye? I've got something
to tell you an' all.

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- I've gone back taxiing.
- (LAUGHS)

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- It'll be three quid back into town.
- (LAUGHS)

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Kitchen.

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Oh, fucking hell.

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Oh, it's nice.

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Oh, it's a double.

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Oh, I love it.

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(SHE LAUGHS) Oh.

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Oh, fucking hell.

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- What do you reckon?
- It's fucking great.

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It's our house, where we live.

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Machines make a right racket.

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- Be quiet at night, though.
- Aw, it won't, though, will it?

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Give o'er. I've gotta get back to work.

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I'm gonna stay here, make it nice.

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Right. I'll see you in a bit.

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Here you are.

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- Get us some meat for us tea.
- Housekeeping?

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- Housekeeping money?
- It is, aye.

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(SOOTHING INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

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(KEYS RATTLING)

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(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

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Got us some chips.

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(MUSIC OFF)

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(BELCHES)

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Well... Fucking say summat, then.

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00:14:00,430 --> 00:14:02,070
Sit down.

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00:14:02,830 --> 00:14:04,470
Sit down.

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00:14:05,989 --> 00:14:09,308
- I brought chips in.
- I don't want any.

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00:14:09,310 --> 00:14:12,470
Why's that, then?
Just to fucking wind me up?

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00:14:13,470 --> 00:14:14,830
Eh?

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00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:18,790
What's that you got?

200
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:21,030
Nothing.

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00:14:22,150 --> 00:14:23,588
Not for you.

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00:14:23,590 --> 00:14:25,590
- Give it me here.
- No.

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00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:34,670
Just to wind me up, eh?
Just to fucking wind me up?

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00:14:37,790 --> 00:14:38,910
Are you angry, Bob?

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00:14:40,390 --> 00:14:42,390
You seem angry.

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00:14:55,390 --> 00:14:57,390
(PAPER RUSTLING)

207
00:16:02,910 --> 00:16:04,070
Hello.

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00:16:08,030 --> 00:16:09,590
Good choice.

209
00:16:09,989 --> 00:16:12,750
Exupéry. Le Petit Prince.

210
00:16:14,430 --> 00:16:18,229
About a golden-haired child
who refuses to answer questions.

211
00:16:21,229 --> 00:16:22,790
Right.

212
00:16:23,270 --> 00:16:25,310
What is essential is invisible to the eye.

213
00:16:27,030 --> 00:16:29,430
- Sorry?
- That's what the book teaches us.

214
00:16:30,629 --> 00:16:32,350
What...

215
00:16:33,310 --> 00:16:34,590
You and me?

216
00:16:35,950 --> 00:16:37,550
All of us.

217
00:16:38,350 --> 00:16:40,308
Oh, well.

218
00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:43,268
I've a bin full of bills at home
and I can see 'em all.

219
00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:48,229
Well, the reason they're in the bin,
that's essential.

220
00:16:49,989 --> 00:16:51,590
That's what's essential.

221
00:16:57,229 --> 00:17:00,830
I'm Angus. This is my bookshop, so...

222
00:17:03,110 --> 00:17:04,310
How do, Angus?

223
00:17:05,310 --> 00:17:06,550
So, what do you like?

224
00:17:07,670 --> 00:17:11,070
- Like?
- To read. What do you like to read?

225
00:17:12,629 --> 00:17:15,148
Oh, I'm a seeker after knowledge, me.

226
00:17:15,150 --> 00:17:17,627
Ah. That's good.

227
00:17:17,629 --> 00:17:19,790
- Mmm.
- I like that.

228
00:17:20,110 --> 00:17:22,350
I've only just started, mind, so I'm a...

229
00:17:23,070 --> 00:17:24,948
I'm a new seeker.

230
00:17:24,950 --> 00:17:28,270
Well, I'm an ardent champion
of the new seeker, so...

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00:17:28,910 --> 00:17:30,910
Ah, that's good.

232
00:17:34,510 --> 00:17:36,148
Would you like to go out for a drink?

233
00:17:36,150 --> 00:17:38,150
Oh, no.

234
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:44,270
- Can I have...
- Four pint, two Babycham.

235
00:17:44,950 --> 00:17:47,227
'Ey, hang on. I'm first.

236
00:17:47,229 --> 00:17:49,550
Ah, shut your mouth
or you'll get a crack.

237
00:17:50,629 --> 00:17:53,189
That's not fair.
I've been here ten minutes.

238
00:17:54,869 --> 00:17:56,629
- Oh, aye?
- Aye.

239
00:18:00,750 --> 00:18:02,510
Fighting man, are you?

240
00:18:03,670 --> 00:18:05,470
- No.
- Oh.

241
00:18:06,550 --> 00:18:09,148
I'll give you till half ten to learn, eh?

242
00:18:09,150 --> 00:18:11,627
Silly bollocks. Eh?

243
00:18:11,629 --> 00:18:13,869
'Ey, what do you think of these?

244
00:18:15,110 --> 00:18:17,108
Nice, aren't they?

245
00:18:17,110 --> 00:18:19,068
- Guess where I got them.
- No idea.

246
00:18:19,070 --> 00:18:22,068
- Ravels. You know, on Chapel Walk.
- Ooh.

247
00:18:22,070 --> 00:18:24,108
Guess how much.

248
00:18:24,110 --> 00:18:26,110
Nine quid. Aren't they lovely?

249
00:18:26,950 --> 00:18:30,508
Mick don't know they were that much.
It'd kill him. His head would blow off.

250
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,548
- Lovely, though, aren't they?
- Yeah.

251
00:18:32,550 --> 00:18:35,108
'Ey, it's heaving in here, in't it?
Ram-packed.

252
00:18:35,110 --> 00:18:36,867
Oh, this is nice. Is it new?

253
00:18:36,869 --> 00:18:38,428
- Yeah, it is.
- Where'd you get it?

254
00:18:38,430 --> 00:18:41,187
Club book. Twenty-seven payments.
I've only paid one.

255
00:18:41,189 --> 00:18:43,189
It's lovely.

256
00:18:46,910 --> 00:18:50,948
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Crookes Club.

257
00:18:50,950 --> 00:18:55,068
I'd like you to put your hands together
and give a big Crookes Club welcome

258
00:18:55,070 --> 00:18:58,548
to the master of mirth... Lenny Lennon!

259
00:18:58,550 --> 00:19:00,550
(APPLAUSE)

260
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:07,030
LENNY:
Oh! Thank you. Lovely.

261
00:19:08,070 --> 00:19:10,508
Had a fella knock on my door last night.

262
00:19:10,510 --> 00:19:12,908
He said, "Do you believe in free speech?"

263
00:19:12,910 --> 00:19:16,627
I said, "Yes, I do."
He said, "Good, can I use your phone?"

264
00:19:16,629 --> 00:19:19,867
So, this fella in prison
says to his cellmate,

265
00:19:19,869 --> 00:19:21,430
"How long are you in for?"

266
00:19:21,670 --> 00:19:24,869
So this lag says to him,
"Just three days."

267
00:19:25,189 --> 00:19:29,867
So the fella says, "Three days?
That's great. How did you manage that?"

268
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,588
And this old lag says,
"They're hanging me on Monday."

269
00:19:32,590 --> 00:19:34,987
- (DISINTERESTED CHATTER)
- They came to hang him.

270
00:19:34,989 --> 00:19:37,428
Him and the hangman,
they're walking across the yard

271
00:19:37,430 --> 00:19:41,108
on the day of the hanging,
and it's lashing it down with rain.

272
00:19:41,110 --> 00:19:43,028
So this lag says to t'hangman,

273
00:19:43,030 --> 00:19:44,830
"What a bloody day to be hanged."

274
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:48,227
And t'hangman says, "I don't know
what you're complaining about.

275
00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,388
- I have to walk back in this."
- MAN: Shut up, you wazzock!

276
00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:55,148
Come on, ladies and gentlemen.
Let's have some order, please.

277
00:19:55,150 --> 00:19:57,428
- Give order.
- MAN: You can fuck off and all!

278
00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:00,627
Poor bastard's doing his best.
Give him a chance.

279
00:20:00,629 --> 00:20:04,428
Yeah, right.
Hey, I went to Bradford last week.

280
00:20:04,430 --> 00:20:08,428
Bloody Bradford.
I felt like the white spot on a domino.

281
00:20:08,430 --> 00:20:09,748
(LAUGHTER)

282
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:12,987
Ring 999 in Bradford
and they don't send t'police.

283
00:20:12,989 --> 00:20:15,948
I rang and t'Bengal Lancers turned up.

284
00:20:15,950 --> 00:20:17,468
(LAUGHTER)

285
00:20:17,470 --> 00:20:20,748
So, anyway, I had a blackout last night.

286
00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:22,350
I did. I had a blackout.

287
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:24,748
Seeing her tomorrow night and all.

288
00:20:24,750 --> 00:20:26,468
(LAUGHTER)

289
00:20:26,470 --> 00:20:27,989
(CHEERING)

290
00:20:32,590 --> 00:20:34,590
(ECHOING WHISTLING)

291
00:20:48,510 --> 00:20:49,987
Got it! It's here.

292
00:20:49,989 --> 00:20:52,750
Right, come on, wakey-wakey.

293
00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:56,908
Get up, come on! Quick, t'pair of you!
Come on, up!

294
00:20:56,910 --> 00:20:59,748
Up, eh? Now, take a look.

295
00:20:59,750 --> 00:21:02,150
- Look at that. Look what we've got.
- What is it?

296
00:21:03,150 --> 00:21:04,948
It's a swimming pool.

297
00:21:04,950 --> 00:21:07,428
We've got a swimming pool.
How's about that, eh?

298
00:21:07,430 --> 00:21:10,470
Come on, then, downstairs!
Toast's on t'table.

299
00:21:14,030 --> 00:21:17,030
Don't tell anyone at school.
I mean it.

300
00:21:31,030 --> 00:21:32,950
Whoo!

301
00:21:36,830 --> 00:21:38,910
Bet it's nice and cold.

302
00:21:41,989 --> 00:21:44,028
More like a bath.

303
00:21:44,030 --> 00:21:45,908
What?

304
00:21:45,910 --> 00:21:48,150
Go and get your swimming cossie on, then.

305
00:21:49,150 --> 00:21:50,869
Mum, I love it.

306
00:21:51,629 --> 00:21:54,150
Go on, then. Upstairs.

307
00:21:54,470 --> 00:21:57,348
- Get your swimming costume on.
- (CHILDREN GIGGLING)

308
00:21:57,350 --> 00:22:00,310
What swimming costume?
I ain't got a swimming costume.

309
00:22:00,550 --> 00:22:04,550
Get upstairs...
And put your dad's new underpants on.

310
00:22:04,830 --> 00:22:08,150
- Mum, please.
- Go on, do it!

311
00:22:08,750 --> 00:22:11,830
And never you mind that lot, eh?
They're only jealous.

312
00:22:12,910 --> 00:22:15,270
Come on. Down.

313
00:22:20,629 --> 00:22:23,187
Right, now go and have a swim.

314
00:22:23,189 --> 00:22:24,910
Come on, then, let's have a dip.

315
00:22:26,070 --> 00:22:28,510
I'm going to go underwater
for five minutes.

316
00:22:28,790 --> 00:22:30,470
(CHEERING)

317
00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:32,670
That's it, girl.

318
00:22:33,430 --> 00:22:35,910
That weren't five minutes.
That were two seconds.

319
00:22:36,229 --> 00:22:37,910
(CHEERING)

320
00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:48,590
By the time I were ten,
kids at school had sniffed me out.

321
00:22:50,229 --> 00:22:52,270
I wasn't one of them...

322
00:22:53,189 --> 00:22:55,070
And I couldn't hide it.

323
00:22:55,830 --> 00:22:58,629
I tried for a while,
you know, pretended...

324
00:22:59,590 --> 00:23:01,987
But it were pointless.

325
00:23:01,989 --> 00:23:04,108
There were fumes coming off me.

326
00:23:04,110 --> 00:23:09,390
I started acting up, playing the goat,
letting it all out.

327
00:23:11,510 --> 00:23:13,030
So they beat me...

328
00:23:14,310 --> 00:23:16,310
And then they isolated me.

329
00:23:17,350 --> 00:23:18,790
You see...

330
00:23:19,790 --> 00:23:23,110
Unstable bitches
aren't tolerated in the pack.

331
00:23:27,629 --> 00:23:30,950
And once the die is cast, well, that's it.

332
00:23:32,830 --> 00:23:34,830
Once you're on the outside...

333
00:23:36,989 --> 00:23:38,470
That's where you're staying.

334
00:23:40,350 --> 00:23:42,350
(BIRDSONG)

335
00:23:47,390 --> 00:23:49,390
(ENGINE AND MUSIC OFF)

336
00:23:57,670 --> 00:24:01,510
Mike. Fucking hell. Mike!
Look who's here.

337
00:24:05,430 --> 00:24:07,308
Oh, fuck. Has she seen you?

338
00:24:07,310 --> 00:24:09,510
No, she's seen our Liam.
I'm not going.

339
00:24:12,430 --> 00:24:16,229
Hey, where you going? Stay up there.
Stay up there with Debs.

340
00:24:21,310 --> 00:24:23,390
Oh. Stop breathing.

341
00:24:36,030 --> 00:24:38,030
(DOORBELL CHIMES)

342
00:24:38,950 --> 00:24:40,948
Oh, shit. She's not going.

343
00:24:40,950 --> 00:24:42,950
Go on. She's your sister.

344
00:24:45,270 --> 00:24:48,830
- Go on.
- Please, don't start. Promise?

345
00:24:49,750 --> 00:24:51,830
I'm not promising anything.

346
00:24:56,950 --> 00:24:58,950
- All right.
- Hiya.

347
00:25:00,150 --> 00:25:03,187
Thought I'd pop round.
Haven't seen you for a bit.

348
00:25:03,189 --> 00:25:04,989
No.

349
00:25:05,790 --> 00:25:08,910
Well, can I... Come in?

350
00:25:09,229 --> 00:25:12,550
- Yeah, yeah, you'd best come in, yeah.
- Thanks.

351
00:25:15,229 --> 00:25:16,869
Hi, Jean.

352
00:25:20,229 --> 00:25:22,229
We're just about to have us dinner.

353
00:25:24,590 --> 00:25:27,670
- Where's yours?
- I'm not bothered. I'll eat later.

354
00:25:31,750 --> 00:25:33,308
Sit down.

355
00:25:33,310 --> 00:25:36,470
- Can we go out and play?
- No, sit down.

356
00:25:36,869 --> 00:25:39,508
- What you doing? Sit down.
- Excuse me. No, no, no.

357
00:25:39,510 --> 00:25:42,548
I've said they can go out and play.
Go out and play. Come on.

358
00:25:42,550 --> 00:25:43,550
Liam.

359
00:25:48,629 --> 00:25:50,629
Go on, out you go, then.

360
00:25:52,430 --> 00:25:54,430
(DOOR CLOSES)

361
00:25:55,629 --> 00:25:58,428
Right. (CLEARS THROAT) I'm off out.

362
00:25:58,430 --> 00:26:01,110
- Where you going?
- Told you. Out.

363
00:26:02,030 --> 00:26:04,310
It was lovely to see you, Jean.

364
00:26:04,629 --> 00:26:06,750
- (DOOR SLAMS)
- (CLATTERING)

365
00:26:18,430 --> 00:26:19,910
You should have phoned.

366
00:26:24,629 --> 00:26:26,629
(SHE PUTS DOWN HER CUTLERY)

367
00:26:29,629 --> 00:26:31,189
See you, Mike.

368
00:26:59,310 --> 00:27:01,308
(DEBS LAUGHS)

369
00:27:01,310 --> 00:27:03,310
Come on. Come away.

370
00:27:06,229 --> 00:27:07,668
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

371
00:27:07,670 --> 00:27:09,670
(ENGINE STARTS)

372
00:27:27,790 --> 00:27:28,790
Hello.

373
00:27:29,830 --> 00:27:31,550
Do you mind if I join you?

374
00:27:32,229 --> 00:27:33,910
It's a free country.

375
00:27:47,750 --> 00:27:49,950
- I want to do what you do.
- Oh, aye.

376
00:27:50,830 --> 00:27:52,989
Yeah, I saw you at t'club at Crookes Club.

377
00:27:53,229 --> 00:27:54,869
Oh, did you?

378
00:27:55,910 --> 00:27:56,989
Yeah.

379
00:27:59,229 --> 00:28:01,989
I wanna do what you do.
I wanna make people laugh.

380
00:28:03,229 --> 00:28:05,627
I wouldn't bother.
Waste of time.

381
00:28:05,629 --> 00:28:07,910
Why do you say that? It i'nt.

382
00:28:08,150 --> 00:28:11,310
- I'm funny.
- Are you, love? That's good.

383
00:28:11,590 --> 00:28:13,590
I am.

384
00:28:17,470 --> 00:28:18,550
I doubt it.

385
00:28:20,270 --> 00:28:22,270
It's not a job for a woman.

386
00:28:23,030 --> 00:28:25,830
Why do you think
all comics are blokes, love?

387
00:28:26,070 --> 00:28:27,828
I'll tell you why.

388
00:28:27,830 --> 00:28:29,910
Cos women aren't funny.

389
00:28:30,229 --> 00:28:32,670
Don't know why, but they're just not.

390
00:28:34,270 --> 00:28:36,108
You're not funny.

391
00:28:36,110 --> 00:28:37,350
No.

392
00:28:38,189 --> 00:28:40,750
- I mean...
- Singing. Can you sing?

393
00:28:41,510 --> 00:28:44,588
They'll let you sing for 'em,
as long as you're not wearing much.

394
00:28:44,590 --> 00:28:46,428
Or you could be a stripper.

395
00:28:46,430 --> 00:28:49,028
They'd like you
if you took your clothes off,

396
00:28:49,030 --> 00:28:50,910
maybe flash your fanny for 'em.

397
00:28:51,950 --> 00:28:53,950
But don't try and make 'em laugh.

398
00:28:54,869 --> 00:28:58,350
They'd be on you like a pack of wolves,
tear you to shreds.

399
00:28:58,989 --> 00:29:00,790
I'd conquer 'em with love.

400
00:29:01,470 --> 00:29:03,790
Yeah, well, good luck with that, love.

401
00:29:04,110 --> 00:29:05,867
Look, you don't understand.

402
00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:07,790
Oh, I do.

403
00:29:08,070 --> 00:29:10,867
- Only too well.
- I've got no choice.

404
00:29:10,869 --> 00:29:12,030
I can't...

405
00:29:12,950 --> 00:29:15,268
I can't do what everyone else does. I...

406
00:29:15,270 --> 00:29:18,869
I can't be a civilian.
See, I've got no backbone.

407
00:29:19,989 --> 00:29:21,788
I've got a funny bone instead.

408
00:29:21,790 --> 00:29:23,150
Listen to me, love.

409
00:29:23,830 --> 00:29:27,148
Thirty year ago,
I thought I were funny as fuck.

410
00:29:27,150 --> 00:29:29,627
It's not about being funny, darling.

411
00:29:29,629 --> 00:29:31,867
It's about surviving.

412
00:29:31,869 --> 00:29:33,869
Try breathing slower.

413
00:29:41,470 --> 00:29:46,428
- I'm on at Dial House, Sunday dinner.
- Right. I'll come.

414
00:29:46,430 --> 00:29:49,310
Right, then, I'm off.
You'll have me as daft as you.

415
00:30:05,629 --> 00:30:07,629
(SHE KNOCKS FIRMLY)

416
00:30:13,390 --> 00:30:15,390
(URGENT KNOCKING)

417
00:30:29,229 --> 00:30:30,989
(FIRE CRACKLING)

418
00:30:31,550 --> 00:30:33,310
- Mam?
- Mmm?

419
00:30:36,869 --> 00:30:38,869
Where's all your chairs?

420
00:30:41,229 --> 00:30:42,430
Gone.

421
00:30:42,869 --> 00:30:44,869
- All of 'em?
- Mmm.

422
00:30:45,869 --> 00:30:47,950
And your table?
And your sideboard?

423
00:30:50,510 --> 00:30:52,510
Mam, you can't carry on like this.

424
00:30:53,989 --> 00:30:55,310
Don't fuss, love.

425
00:30:56,350 --> 00:30:57,950
Be all right.

426
00:31:04,790 --> 00:31:06,470
I made you a pie.

427
00:31:07,189 --> 00:31:09,948
- Looks like a bus.
- (SHE LAUGHS)

428
00:31:09,950 --> 00:31:12,790
BOB: Fucking hellfire.
Look at the state of it in here.

429
00:31:13,270 --> 00:31:15,270
- Bob.
- MAM: Still with him, are you?

430
00:31:16,150 --> 00:31:19,150
Aye, course you are.

431
00:31:19,910 --> 00:31:22,670
Right, give her her pie. Come on.

432
00:31:27,270 --> 00:31:29,308
Oh, Mam.

433
00:31:29,310 --> 00:31:32,070
Aye. Never mind.

434
00:31:55,950 --> 00:31:58,350
- (BELL OVER DOOR RINGS)
- Hello.

435
00:31:58,910 --> 00:32:00,748
Hello.

436
00:32:00,750 --> 00:32:02,588
Back for The Little Prince?

437
00:32:02,590 --> 00:32:03,828
Eh?

438
00:32:03,830 --> 00:32:06,310
The book. You were reading it
last time you came in.

439
00:32:06,550 --> 00:32:08,108
- Was I?
- Yes.

440
00:32:08,110 --> 00:32:10,590
No, I was just window shopping.

441
00:32:12,470 --> 00:32:14,508
- So, how much are they?
- What?

442
00:32:14,510 --> 00:32:15,590
Your windows.

443
00:32:16,550 --> 00:32:17,550
Eh?

444
00:32:18,550 --> 00:32:19,989
I was only joking.

445
00:32:20,229 --> 00:32:22,470
Oh. Sorry. Of course.

446
00:32:24,110 --> 00:32:26,670
Put t'kettle on.
Spitting feathers here.

447
00:32:27,790 --> 00:32:30,670
Kettle, yes, of course, of course.
Come on through.

448
00:32:36,310 --> 00:32:38,590
- Here you go.
- Oh.

449
00:32:39,310 --> 00:32:40,430
Ta.

450
00:32:41,390 --> 00:32:43,627
Don't tell me
you're interested in etymology?

451
00:32:43,629 --> 00:32:45,229
I wouldn't dream of it.

452
00:32:45,750 --> 00:32:48,070
- What's... ety...?
- Etymology?

453
00:32:48,390 --> 00:32:51,310
It's a... It's a passion of mine.

454
00:32:53,390 --> 00:32:55,310
This book you were looking at.

455
00:32:55,590 --> 00:32:57,350
I wasn't looking, really.

456
00:32:58,229 --> 00:33:00,108
Sniffing, yeah.

457
00:33:00,110 --> 00:33:02,548
Looking, no.

458
00:33:02,550 --> 00:33:04,629
Sniffing?

459
00:33:07,150 --> 00:33:10,548
I love the smell of books.
Don't you?

460
00:33:10,550 --> 00:33:12,110
Yes, I... I suppose so.

461
00:33:13,030 --> 00:33:16,150
I like leather, the smell of new leather.

462
00:33:17,390 --> 00:33:20,468
Sandals at Whitsuntide,
and that sort of thing.

463
00:33:20,470 --> 00:33:22,470
Brings to mind...

464
00:33:26,830 --> 00:33:29,390
- I'm glad you came back.
- I bet you are.

465
00:33:32,150 --> 00:33:34,668
- Oh, Jesus.
- What's wrong?

466
00:33:34,670 --> 00:33:37,028
(LAUGHS) The tea.

467
00:33:37,030 --> 00:33:40,310
What did you do?
Just show the cup a picture of a tea bag?

468
00:33:41,229 --> 00:33:43,268
I'm sorry. I'm...

469
00:33:43,270 --> 00:33:45,430
I'm not a tea man, generally.

470
00:33:47,229 --> 00:33:49,229
So where will we go?

471
00:33:50,670 --> 00:33:54,189
- Where will you take me?
- On a... Date?

472
00:33:55,150 --> 00:33:58,428
- Do you mean a date?
- (SHE CHUCKLES)

473
00:33:58,430 --> 00:34:00,150
You're old-fashioned.

474
00:34:01,310 --> 00:34:02,989
Hopelessly.

475
00:34:04,189 --> 00:34:06,550
And I'm intelligent. Um...

476
00:34:07,189 --> 00:34:09,987
I can be very, very... Reasonable.

477
00:34:09,989 --> 00:34:12,790
Um, usually optimistic.

478
00:34:13,470 --> 00:34:15,390
Often depressed.

479
00:34:15,790 --> 00:34:18,548
I mean, properly, properly depressed.

480
00:34:18,550 --> 00:34:20,869
The whole nine yards. I can't talk.

481
00:34:21,310 --> 00:34:24,388
Uh, I can't get out of bed.
Mmm...

482
00:34:24,390 --> 00:34:27,310
And I get panic attacks and I snore.

483
00:34:27,869 --> 00:34:31,028
Oh, and I can become
extraordinarily angry...

484
00:34:31,030 --> 00:34:34,989
Enough. I'll come round tomorrow.
You can take me out for dinner.

485
00:34:39,830 --> 00:34:44,430
Can I ask you what changed your mind
about me, about a date?

486
00:34:45,350 --> 00:34:47,150
You can ask, yeah.

487
00:34:47,989 --> 00:34:51,867
But, you'd just smile
and refuse to answer?

488
00:34:51,869 --> 00:34:54,869
You're right.
So there's your answer.

489
00:34:59,430 --> 00:35:01,790
(LE BALLON ROUGE PLAYING)

490
00:35:21,229 --> 00:35:23,229
Wow.

491
00:35:24,430 --> 00:35:26,430
Wow.

492
00:35:28,430 --> 00:35:31,430
Isn't that the most beautiful film
you've ever seen?

493
00:35:33,989 --> 00:35:38,070
That red...
That vibrant Titian red is just...

494
00:35:38,510 --> 00:35:40,670
- Did you enjoy it?
- Yeah.

495
00:35:41,550 --> 00:35:43,550
(LOW CHATTER)

496
00:35:45,030 --> 00:35:47,068
- Thank you.
- All right.

497
00:35:47,070 --> 00:35:49,788
Thank you. Thank you very much.

498
00:35:49,790 --> 00:35:51,989
- Which part did you like the best?
- Um...

499
00:35:52,670 --> 00:35:54,908
- The balloons.
- What, at the end?

500
00:35:54,910 --> 00:35:56,270
Yeah, at the end.

501
00:36:04,629 --> 00:36:05,910
What's his name?

502
00:36:07,989 --> 00:36:09,590
Doesn't matter.

503
00:36:11,989 --> 00:36:13,750
Bob.

504
00:36:14,670 --> 00:36:16,189
It's Bob.

505
00:36:17,350 --> 00:36:19,629
And you and Bob, do you get on?

506
00:36:20,430 --> 00:36:22,227
Does he make you laugh?

507
00:36:22,229 --> 00:36:24,950
Oh, aye. He's hysterical.

508
00:36:26,910 --> 00:36:28,910
You're being sarcastic, right?

509
00:36:31,550 --> 00:36:32,948
Do you love him?

510
00:36:32,950 --> 00:36:34,750
No, of course not.

511
00:36:35,310 --> 00:36:38,189
- Does he...
- What? Knock me about?

512
00:36:39,350 --> 00:36:40,470
Yeah, he does.

513
00:36:42,670 --> 00:36:44,189
Happy now?

514
00:36:44,989 --> 00:36:46,150
Happy?

515
00:36:47,189 --> 00:36:49,229
Why on Earth
would I be happy to hear that?

516
00:36:49,470 --> 00:36:51,550
Well, you can be me rescuer,
can't you?

517
00:36:51,950 --> 00:36:53,950
Play at shining knights.

518
00:36:55,629 --> 00:36:57,629
I'm a damsel in distress.

519
00:36:59,030 --> 00:37:01,068
Anyway, it doesn't matter.

520
00:37:01,070 --> 00:37:03,110
Who took your self-esteem from you?

521
00:37:03,950 --> 00:37:06,187
You have very low self-esteem.

522
00:37:06,189 --> 00:37:09,830
Nobody took it.
I handed it over of my own volition.

523
00:37:11,950 --> 00:37:13,950
So what you gonna say now?

524
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:20,070
In life, people get
what they think they deserve.

525
00:37:21,989 --> 00:37:23,989
That's hard to watch.

526
00:37:26,229 --> 00:37:30,428
I mean, why is it all the beautiful people
are fucked-up

527
00:37:30,430 --> 00:37:33,229
and all the wankers
bestride the Earth untouched?

528
00:37:33,629 --> 00:37:38,150
Don't know. Why is easy-listening
music so hard to listen to?

529
00:37:38,869 --> 00:37:41,950
- I'm being serious.
- Don't be.

530
00:37:43,950 --> 00:37:45,270
So what about you?

531
00:37:46,590 --> 00:37:47,910
Why aren't you married?

532
00:37:48,670 --> 00:37:51,588
- How do you know I'm not?
- (LAUGHS) You?

533
00:37:51,590 --> 00:37:53,150
Ha! Never.

534
00:37:53,550 --> 00:37:55,948
Not in a million years. (LAUGHS)

535
00:37:55,950 --> 00:37:57,987
All right.

536
00:37:57,989 --> 00:38:00,987
I'm not that bad. Surely somebody
out there would have me.

537
00:38:00,989 --> 00:38:03,590
That's not what I meant.
Stop fishing.

538
00:38:03,950 --> 00:38:05,070
I'm not.

539
00:38:06,310 --> 00:38:07,908
I am.

540
00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:09,270
(LAUGHS)

541
00:38:09,510 --> 00:38:11,510
Wow. You laugh as well.

542
00:38:12,030 --> 00:38:14,030
I never would have thought it.

543
00:38:17,869 --> 00:38:19,590
So?

544
00:38:19,950 --> 00:38:21,869
Ah. Women.

545
00:38:24,470 --> 00:38:26,430
Um...

546
00:38:26,830 --> 00:38:29,390
It seems that I just don't measure up
to some...

547
00:38:30,550 --> 00:38:33,229
Template that they have in their heads.

548
00:38:36,790 --> 00:38:38,070
Tragic, aren't I?

549
00:38:39,790 --> 00:38:41,310
You could be.

550
00:38:42,430 --> 00:38:43,950
If I let you.

551
00:38:45,390 --> 00:38:48,150
Right. Well, I'll walk from here.

552
00:38:49,189 --> 00:38:52,548
Are you sure?
I don't mind dropping you off outside.

553
00:38:52,550 --> 00:38:54,350
Oh, no. Oh, no.

554
00:38:54,869 --> 00:38:56,869
There'll be a welcoming party.

555
00:38:57,790 --> 00:39:00,510
At least this way
you get to see me walk away.

556
00:39:01,629 --> 00:39:03,550
Does that mean I won't see you again?

557
00:39:03,989 --> 00:39:04,989
No.

558
00:39:05,350 --> 00:39:08,229
It means you'll get to see my arse sashay.

559
00:39:09,150 --> 00:39:11,150
That means "chase" in French.

560
00:39:15,070 --> 00:39:16,867
- Will I...
- Will you?

561
00:39:16,869 --> 00:39:18,869
Will I? Will we?

562
00:39:47,989 --> 00:39:50,028
- What's your name, soft cock?
- Excuse me.

563
00:39:50,030 --> 00:39:52,470
- What do you think you're doing?
- Shh. Shut your mouth.

564
00:39:53,390 --> 00:39:56,070
What's your name?
What do they call you? Eh?

565
00:39:58,070 --> 00:40:00,070
Ooh. (SNIFFS)

566
00:40:00,590 --> 00:40:03,189
I can smell some fanny in here.

567
00:40:03,830 --> 00:40:05,550
Some fanny and shit.

568
00:40:06,030 --> 00:40:07,229
(SNIFFS)

569
00:40:07,550 --> 00:40:09,550
Can you smell fanny and shit?

570
00:40:10,830 --> 00:40:12,470
I bet you can.

571
00:40:12,790 --> 00:40:17,150
I bet you can smell fanny and shit
everywhere you fucking go, can't you?

572
00:40:17,989 --> 00:40:20,350
- Please get out of my car.
- No, don't talk.

573
00:40:21,550 --> 00:40:22,629
Shut your mouth.

574
00:40:27,390 --> 00:40:28,670
Now you know.

575
00:40:29,989 --> 00:40:31,310
Now you know.

576
00:40:32,590 --> 00:40:33,590
Cunt.

577
00:40:34,629 --> 00:40:35,670
Eh?

578
00:40:43,270 --> 00:40:44,830
(CAR DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

579
00:40:46,030 --> 00:40:47,430
(ENGINE STARTS)

580
00:40:48,790 --> 00:40:50,790
(BELL DINGS)

581
00:40:55,670 --> 00:40:57,670
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING)

582
00:41:02,950 --> 00:41:06,788
♪ Don't feel the same on the lane,
you're lovin' it

583
00:41:06,790 --> 00:41:09,270
♪ Just want you by my side

584
00:41:10,750 --> 00:41:14,428
♪ I know it's a shame
but I can't fake the feeling

585
00:41:14,430 --> 00:41:16,790
♪ I need you here tonight

586
00:41:18,470 --> 00:41:22,428
♪ And I know you can't stand
the sneaking around

587
00:41:22,430 --> 00:41:25,470
♪ But you're my bit on the side

588
00:41:26,229 --> 00:41:29,948
♪ And now it's too late
cos you can't change your feelings

589
00:41:29,950 --> 00:41:31,869
♪ And I'm not satisfied... ♪

590
00:41:41,270 --> 00:41:43,270
Nice knockers!

591
00:41:49,150 --> 00:41:52,150
LENNY: Hey, stick a coin in the meter
there, mate, will you?

592
00:41:53,390 --> 00:41:56,148
- (AMPLIFIED TAPPING)
- Whoa, there we go!

593
00:41:56,150 --> 00:41:58,590
Right, thanks very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

594
00:41:59,430 --> 00:42:03,670
A fella knocked on my door last week.
He said, "Do you believe in free speech?"

595
00:42:03,950 --> 00:42:07,350
So I says, "Yeah" and he says,
"Good, can I use your phone, please?"

596
00:42:07,750 --> 00:42:09,270
(SILENCE)

597
00:42:09,590 --> 00:42:12,670
So, these two fellas in prison
sharing a cell, you know.

598
00:42:13,189 --> 00:42:16,348
And one fella says,
"How long you in for, mate?"

599
00:42:16,350 --> 00:42:18,830
And the other fella says,
"Just three days."

600
00:42:19,150 --> 00:42:23,108
And the fella says, "Three days?
How come you just get three days?"

601
00:42:23,110 --> 00:42:25,510
- And the fella says...
- "They're hanging me on Monday."

602
00:42:25,869 --> 00:42:28,790
- I've heard it.
- ANOTHER MAN: Got any jokes?

603
00:42:29,350 --> 00:42:31,828
'Ey, I've seen you on telly, haven't I?
(CHUCKLES)

604
00:42:31,830 --> 00:42:34,748
- Interference.
- Oi, can you fuck off?

605
00:42:34,750 --> 00:42:36,508
We're expecting a comic here.

606
00:42:36,510 --> 00:42:37,950
(GRUMBLING FROM AUDIENCE)

607
00:42:38,989 --> 00:42:41,668
So this bird goes into
one of them sex shops,

608
00:42:41,670 --> 00:42:44,750
says to the fella,
"I'd like a vibrator, please."

609
00:42:45,430 --> 00:42:48,187
And the fella says,
"Well, what colour would you like?

610
00:42:48,189 --> 00:42:51,308
We've got red, black, blue, pink, green."

611
00:42:51,310 --> 00:42:56,668
And the bird stops him and says, "I want
that one behind you, the tartan one."

612
00:42:56,670 --> 00:43:00,788
The bloke says, "You can fuck off.
That's my Thermos flask."

613
00:43:00,790 --> 00:43:02,790
(SILENCE)

614
00:43:04,070 --> 00:43:07,869
I'm from Mansfield, me.
God, it's depressing.

615
00:43:08,430 --> 00:43:12,150
We aren't twinned with anywhere, but we do
have a suicide pact with Rotherham.

616
00:43:12,869 --> 00:43:15,268
- Sorry, mate. I don't know what...
- Aye, lad.

617
00:43:15,270 --> 00:43:17,950
- I've always done well here.
- There you go.

618
00:43:24,189 --> 00:43:26,227
You're too late.
I've just finished.

619
00:43:26,229 --> 00:43:28,229
I know. I were there.

620
00:43:28,670 --> 00:43:30,550
Oh. Were you?

621
00:43:31,070 --> 00:43:33,189
Well, now you know, don't you?

622
00:43:34,310 --> 00:43:36,508
It was horrible. You... You...

623
00:43:36,510 --> 00:43:39,788
Died. I died a thousand deaths.

624
00:43:39,790 --> 00:43:41,548
Why are they like that?

625
00:43:41,550 --> 00:43:44,869
How d'you do it, you know,
when... when they don't like you?

626
00:43:45,869 --> 00:43:48,910
- How d'you do it?
- 'Cause I died years ago, love.

627
00:43:50,310 --> 00:43:52,150
I'm a comedic zombie.

628
00:43:52,910 --> 00:43:55,030
They can't touch me any more.

629
00:43:56,229 --> 00:43:58,028
Dead man walking, me.

630
00:43:58,030 --> 00:44:00,030
(GROANS)

631
00:44:01,790 --> 00:44:03,670
Now, if you'll excuse me...

632
00:44:04,390 --> 00:44:06,187
Where you going?

633
00:44:06,189 --> 00:44:08,227
I'm going swimming.

634
00:44:08,229 --> 00:44:10,270
In a sea of beer.

635
00:44:10,550 --> 00:44:13,150
It washes away all the hurt and the dirt.

636
00:44:14,310 --> 00:44:17,430
It's the stains, though.
It won't shift them.

637
00:44:18,390 --> 00:44:20,390
Ta-ra, love.

638
00:44:20,629 --> 00:44:22,629
(ENGINE STARTS)

639
00:44:32,550 --> 00:44:34,550
(MELLOW MUSIC IN BACKGROUND)

640
00:44:46,189 --> 00:44:48,189
(MUSIC FINISHES)

641
00:44:54,030 --> 00:44:55,150
Excuse me.

642
00:45:01,229 --> 00:45:03,867
No, no, no. Oi. Oi, oi.
Don't play that now.

643
00:45:03,869 --> 00:45:05,748
Hup, hup, hup, hup, hup!

644
00:45:05,750 --> 00:45:09,388
♪ Mule train

645
00:45:09,390 --> 00:45:11,428
Go on, lass, eh!

646
00:45:11,430 --> 00:45:13,430
Go on!

647
00:45:15,110 --> 00:45:19,187
♪ Mule train

648
00:45:19,189 --> 00:45:21,227
Whoo! Whoo!

649
00:45:21,229 --> 00:45:24,187
♪ Clippety clop over hill and plain

650
00:45:24,189 --> 00:45:25,590
Go on, lass!

651
00:45:27,510 --> 00:45:29,550
♪ Clippety clop, clippety clop

652
00:45:31,390 --> 00:45:33,308
♪ Clippety clop...

653
00:45:33,310 --> 00:45:34,750
Come on!

654
00:45:35,910 --> 00:45:37,548
Hey!

655
00:45:37,550 --> 00:45:38,748
Whoo!

656
00:45:38,750 --> 00:45:40,950
♪ Mule train...

657
00:45:41,869 --> 00:45:43,110
Ha!

658
00:45:45,590 --> 00:45:47,108
♪ Mule train...

659
00:45:47,110 --> 00:45:48,430
Whoo!

660
00:45:51,229 --> 00:45:52,867
Oi, watch my head!

661
00:45:52,869 --> 00:45:55,428
♪ Over the mountain chain

662
00:45:55,430 --> 00:45:58,550
♪ Soon we're gonna reach the top,
clippety clop...

663
00:45:59,350 --> 00:46:01,668
You all right, old lad? 'Ey?

664
00:46:01,670 --> 00:46:04,148
- ♪ Clippety clop...
- (BELL DINGS)

665
00:46:04,150 --> 00:46:05,470
Hey, hey!

666
00:46:06,310 --> 00:46:10,187
♪ There's a plug o'chaw tabacky
for a rancher in Corona

667
00:46:10,189 --> 00:46:14,068
♪ A guitar for a cowboy
way out in Arizona... ♪

668
00:46:14,070 --> 00:46:16,150
- (DING)
- Oh, you fucking...

669
00:46:16,830 --> 00:46:18,388
For fuck's sake.

670
00:46:18,390 --> 00:46:20,390
(TV MUSIC IN BACKGROUND)

671
00:46:22,390 --> 00:46:24,428
(GENTLE CLATTER OF CROCKERY)

672
00:46:24,430 --> 00:46:26,430
(FOOTSTEPS)

673
00:46:41,510 --> 00:46:43,548
Where you going?

674
00:46:43,550 --> 00:46:44,590
Out.

675
00:46:45,110 --> 00:46:47,030
Don't be fucking clever.

676
00:46:47,590 --> 00:46:49,508
I won't ask you again.
Where you going?

677
00:46:49,510 --> 00:46:51,510
I've told you, out.

678
00:46:55,510 --> 00:46:57,310
(PAPER RUSTLING)

679
00:46:58,030 --> 00:46:59,310
What's this, eh?

680
00:47:00,110 --> 00:47:02,110
Search For A Star?

681
00:47:02,989 --> 00:47:04,908
It's a talent show.

682
00:47:04,910 --> 00:47:08,308
Oh, right.
That's where you're going, is it?

683
00:47:08,310 --> 00:47:10,790
To watch a fucking talent show?

684
00:47:12,430 --> 00:47:14,110
Oh... No.

685
00:47:14,830 --> 00:47:16,750
Don't tell me you've entered the bastard?

686
00:47:18,910 --> 00:47:22,468
Is that what you're telling me?
You've entered a fucking talent show?

687
00:47:22,470 --> 00:47:26,150
- Yeah, I have, all right?
- (BELLOWS) Don't fucking shout at me!

688
00:47:27,550 --> 00:47:30,189
Who do you think I am?
Fucking Soft Mick?

689
00:47:31,229 --> 00:47:34,869
Right, I'm telling you...
You go and do this...

690
00:47:36,430 --> 00:47:38,627
I'll break your fucking nose for you.

691
00:47:38,629 --> 00:47:41,510
Don't say you weren't warned.
Now fuck off.

692
00:47:42,670 --> 00:47:45,189
Right. I'm going.

693
00:47:45,550 --> 00:47:48,270
Right. I'm serious.

694
00:47:49,910 --> 00:47:52,030
I'll break your fucking nose.
Do you understand me?

695
00:47:52,869 --> 00:47:54,308
Yeah.

696
00:47:54,310 --> 00:47:55,629
Good.

697
00:47:56,670 --> 00:47:57,950
You'll not beat me.

698
00:47:58,830 --> 00:48:01,987
You'll never fucking beat me. Never.

699
00:48:01,989 --> 00:48:04,790
Not while you've got a fucking hole
in your arse.

700
00:48:12,310 --> 00:48:13,828
(DOOR OPENS)

701
00:48:13,830 --> 00:48:15,470
(DOOR SLAMS)

702
00:48:19,310 --> 00:48:21,310
MALE AUDITIONER:
Number one, please.

703
00:48:22,750 --> 00:48:24,510
Come on. Come on.

704
00:48:25,270 --> 00:48:27,148
(DOG PANTING)

705
00:48:27,150 --> 00:48:29,150
(DOG WHINES SOFTLY)

706
00:48:41,869 --> 00:48:43,629
Colin Pile.

707
00:48:45,550 --> 00:48:47,468
With Hound Dog.

708
00:48:47,470 --> 00:48:50,028
He dances.
(AS ELVIS) Thank you very much.

709
00:48:50,030 --> 00:48:52,030
(ROCK'N'ROLL ON PIANO)

710
00:48:55,950 --> 00:48:57,950
(DOG WHIMPERS)

711
00:48:58,629 --> 00:49:01,588
Don't... Don't you...
Don't you leave like she did!

712
00:49:01,590 --> 00:49:03,428
AUDITIONER:
Sorry. I don't think so.

713
00:49:03,430 --> 00:49:05,548
He will dance.
He dances in the kitchen.

714
00:49:05,550 --> 00:49:08,388
Well, that would only be
half the job done, wouldn't it?

715
00:49:08,390 --> 00:49:10,867
I think Elvis should
leave the building now.

716
00:49:10,869 --> 00:49:12,869
Number two, please.

717
00:49:16,510 --> 00:49:20,987
- Hello. What's your name?
- Er... Rodney Chitterton.

718
00:49:20,989 --> 00:49:23,468
AUDITIONER:
Well, that reeks of glamour!

719
00:49:23,470 --> 00:49:25,828
What you gonna do for us, then, Rodney?

720
00:49:25,830 --> 00:49:27,867
Just sing a song.

721
00:49:27,869 --> 00:49:30,470
- Stage is yours.
- (GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC)

722
00:49:33,750 --> 00:49:37,227
♪ Sorry I've been away so long

723
00:49:37,229 --> 00:49:40,830
♪ I needed just a little more time

724
00:49:42,430 --> 00:49:46,110
♪ If you stare through the glass
from moment to moment

725
00:49:47,390 --> 00:49:50,030
♪ It's funny what you find

726
00:49:51,430 --> 00:49:55,110
♪ We can move our bodies
like a twist of smoke

727
00:49:55,830 --> 00:49:57,308
♪ Come, let us shake like the flame... ♪

728
00:49:57,310 --> 00:49:59,030
All right, hold it there.

729
00:50:00,470 --> 00:50:01,748
Lovely.

730
00:50:01,750 --> 00:50:04,550
We'll get you a change of name
and a nice girlie to sing with.

731
00:50:05,030 --> 00:50:06,948
I'll have something for you
to sign at the end.

732
00:50:06,950 --> 00:50:08,950
Number three.

733
00:50:17,550 --> 00:50:20,148
Hello, hello, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.

734
00:50:20,150 --> 00:50:23,108
Now, then, has anyone seen
a lion round here?

735
00:50:23,110 --> 00:50:26,468
Will you help me call him?
Would you do that? That'd be wonderful.

736
00:50:26,470 --> 00:50:27,668
- Leo!
- Leo!

737
00:50:27,670 --> 00:50:30,989
Bloody hell.
Thank you very much, lady. Right...

738
00:50:31,350 --> 00:50:33,350
Oh, here he is, here.

739
00:50:36,750 --> 00:50:38,268
Hello, Leo.

740
00:50:38,270 --> 00:50:40,588
Hello. Hello, everybody.

741
00:50:40,590 --> 00:50:43,788
- Thank you.
- We weren't even started yet.

742
00:50:43,790 --> 00:50:46,028
- Thank you.
- Can we at least do t'song?

743
00:50:46,030 --> 00:50:50,428
♪ Gorn free, as free as the wind glows ♪

744
00:50:50,430 --> 00:50:52,268
Stop.

745
00:50:52,270 --> 00:50:54,590
Not quite what I'm looking for, thank you.

746
00:50:56,030 --> 00:50:57,030
Twat.

747
00:50:58,310 --> 00:51:01,950
- What did you say?
- Nothing. I didn't say anything.

748
00:51:02,830 --> 00:51:06,150
It were him.
But you are a bastard anyway.

749
00:51:10,950 --> 00:51:12,950
Number four.

750
00:51:13,510 --> 00:51:16,627
Number five. Number six.

751
00:51:16,629 --> 00:51:18,629
What am I, a fucking bingo caller?

752
00:51:20,830 --> 00:51:22,989
Number seven.
Anyone there? Number seven.

753
00:51:37,270 --> 00:51:39,348
(LOW MICROPHONE FEEDBACK HISS)

754
00:51:39,350 --> 00:51:41,150
(CLEARS THROAT)

755
00:51:47,510 --> 00:51:49,270
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)

756
00:51:50,189 --> 00:51:52,189
AUDITIONER:
We're ready.

757
00:51:54,830 --> 00:51:56,830
Off you go, love.
People waiting.

758
00:52:01,910 --> 00:52:04,308
Oh, dear,
I haven't got the time, actually,

759
00:52:04,310 --> 00:52:07,550
so would you mind shitting
or getting off the pot, please?

760
00:52:10,910 --> 00:52:12,670
(MEEKLY):
Um...

761
00:52:13,590 --> 00:52:14,869
Uh...

762
00:52:16,910 --> 00:52:18,910
We're ready.

763
00:52:24,030 --> 00:52:27,070
(HE CLAPS)
Off you go. Come on, people waiting.

764
00:52:28,070 --> 00:52:30,070
T... (EXHALES)

765
00:52:31,390 --> 00:52:37,268
So, t'other day, I went into this lingerie
shop and I said to t'woman behind counter,

766
00:52:37,270 --> 00:52:40,668
"Excuse me, love. Can I try them
knickers on in t'window?" She laughed.

767
00:52:40,670 --> 00:52:43,627
She said, "You'll have to go
in a cubicle like everybody else."

768
00:52:43,629 --> 00:52:47,148
My fella, he's got a right good job,
he has. He's got 500 men under him.

769
00:52:47,150 --> 00:52:50,187
He's working in a cemetery.
Oh, sorry.

770
00:52:50,189 --> 00:52:51,790
Jokes, is it?

771
00:52:52,830 --> 00:52:54,229
Yeah.

772
00:52:55,510 --> 00:52:57,187
Do you like jokes?

773
00:52:57,189 --> 00:52:59,790
Oh, they're all right,
if you like laughing.

774
00:53:01,070 --> 00:53:04,869
(SOBBING) Did you hear the one
about the dyslexic Satan worshipper?

775
00:53:05,629 --> 00:53:07,629
He sold his soul to Santa.

776
00:53:26,470 --> 00:53:28,470
(SIREN IN DISTANCE)

777
00:54:17,150 --> 00:54:19,150
BOB:
Stupid.

778
00:54:19,790 --> 00:54:21,028
Argh! Oh!

779
00:54:21,030 --> 00:54:23,668
I told you, didn't I? I fucking told you!

780
00:54:23,670 --> 00:54:26,070
I told you what would happen! Eh?

781
00:54:28,830 --> 00:54:30,830
(SHE SNIFFLES)

782
00:54:32,670 --> 00:54:33,989
I won't swallow it.

783
00:54:35,510 --> 00:54:38,910
- What?
- This. Any more.

784
00:54:39,830 --> 00:54:42,350
What are you talking about,
you silly twat?

785
00:54:43,310 --> 00:54:45,588
It's over, Bob. No more.

786
00:54:45,590 --> 00:54:48,470
Get in there
and get me summat to fucking eat!

787
00:54:48,750 --> 00:54:50,270
No!

788
00:54:50,830 --> 00:54:53,748
Right. Well,
you're not fucking going anywhere.

789
00:54:53,750 --> 00:54:56,950
(SHE LAUGHS)

790
00:54:59,390 --> 00:55:01,227
See, thing is...

791
00:55:01,229 --> 00:55:03,229
(LAUGHS)

792
00:55:04,189 --> 00:55:06,430
I know I am. (LAUGHS)

793
00:55:07,030 --> 00:55:09,668
Listen to me. Listen to me!

794
00:55:09,670 --> 00:55:11,308
Listen to me!

795
00:55:11,310 --> 00:55:15,668
I'm telling you, you've...
You've got fucking nothing to come!

796
00:55:15,670 --> 00:55:17,790
- Listen!
- (SHE LAUGHS)

797
00:55:19,550 --> 00:55:21,350
(SHE SNIFFLES)

798
00:55:22,830 --> 00:55:24,308
(COUGHS)

799
00:55:24,310 --> 00:55:27,070
- (EXHALES)
- (TV ON IN ANOTHER ROOM)

800
00:55:27,629 --> 00:55:29,189
(GROANS)

801
00:55:29,910 --> 00:55:31,470
(MOANS)

802
00:55:35,950 --> 00:55:39,189
(COUGHS)

803
00:55:39,989 --> 00:55:42,030
Oh...

804
00:55:44,950 --> 00:55:46,430
Oh... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

805
00:56:38,869 --> 00:56:40,869
That's yours.

806
00:56:41,510 --> 00:56:43,350
Thank you very much.
Enjoy the book.

807
00:56:50,189 --> 00:56:51,989
Right, then.

808
00:56:52,310 --> 00:56:54,150
Hello.

809
00:56:55,470 --> 00:56:57,070
Right, then, what?

810
00:57:00,790 --> 00:57:02,550
You can start rescuing.

811
00:57:06,550 --> 00:57:07,790
What's happened?

812
00:57:08,830 --> 00:57:10,030
I'm here now.

813
00:57:10,869 --> 00:57:12,070
I'm here with you.

814
00:57:13,270 --> 00:57:15,430
I've come to share the tragedy.

815
00:57:18,470 --> 00:57:20,189
All right.

816
00:57:21,869 --> 00:57:23,629
Well, that's um...

817
00:57:26,790 --> 00:57:28,590
Ah, that's wonder... Wonderful.

818
00:57:30,869 --> 00:57:32,869
That's really wonderful.

819
00:57:46,590 --> 00:57:48,470
(LIGHT SNORING)

820
00:57:52,869 --> 00:57:54,670
(WHISPERS)
Fucking hell. (SUPPRESSES GIGGLE)

821
00:58:14,070 --> 00:58:15,390
Fucking hell.

822
00:58:20,070 --> 00:58:21,670
Fucking hell.

823
00:58:27,270 --> 00:58:29,308
(GASPS) Fuck me.

824
00:58:29,310 --> 00:58:31,030
(SUPPRESSES LAUGH)

825
00:58:31,830 --> 00:58:35,310
Fucking hell.
Two fucking bathrooms?

826
00:58:36,229 --> 00:58:38,110
(LAUGHS)
Fucking hell.

827
00:58:50,390 --> 00:58:51,750
Fucking hell.

828
00:58:58,310 --> 00:59:00,627
- (TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACK)
- Fucking... Hell.

829
00:59:00,629 --> 00:59:02,790
(GIGGLES)

830
00:59:06,670 --> 00:59:08,229
(GASPS)

831
00:59:11,070 --> 00:59:12,790
Cup of tea?

832
00:59:13,750 --> 00:59:16,110
Fucking hell. (GIGGLES)

833
01:00:06,910 --> 01:00:08,470
I've left him.

834
01:00:08,830 --> 01:00:10,869
Oh, aye?

835
01:00:13,229 --> 01:00:14,430
Leaving present?

836
01:00:16,229 --> 01:00:18,869
- Something to remind me.
- Aye.

837
01:00:24,830 --> 01:00:26,830
Can't go on living a lie.

838
01:00:27,350 --> 01:00:29,110
Can't you?

839
01:00:30,030 --> 01:00:31,790
It's a pity.

840
01:00:33,270 --> 01:00:35,270
You think I should, don't you?

841
01:00:37,070 --> 01:00:39,229
It's not weak to leave, Mam.

842
01:00:41,590 --> 01:00:42,950
It's weak to stay.

843
01:00:43,869 --> 01:00:45,030
Is it?

844
01:01:16,229 --> 01:01:20,550
FUNNY COW:
I went to see a counsellor, a therapist.

845
01:01:21,470 --> 01:01:23,788
And he said,

846
01:01:23,790 --> 01:01:28,550
"You need to learn to cultivate
a more fatalistic approach to life.

847
01:01:29,950 --> 01:01:32,670
Learn that it's better
just to let life happen."

848
01:01:35,229 --> 01:01:37,510
I wanted to smack him in the face.

849
01:01:39,590 --> 01:01:42,790
Be somebody else?
Is that what he meant?

850
01:01:44,189 --> 01:01:45,950
How can I do that?

851
01:01:48,670 --> 01:01:50,310
So that is it. It's...

852
01:01:51,670 --> 01:01:54,110
It's that or face the madness.

853
01:01:55,229 --> 01:01:57,550
The monster behind the eyes.

854
01:01:58,830 --> 01:02:01,470
And this therapist, he gave me tablets.

855
01:02:01,790 --> 01:02:03,790
Hold me together.

856
01:02:04,910 --> 01:02:06,910
Give me a level playing field.

857
01:02:08,350 --> 01:02:11,470
Give me a chance, he said.

858
01:02:13,430 --> 01:02:16,428
But then you're just...
You're just cut adrift

859
01:02:16,430 --> 01:02:19,748
with a... Trail of tablets
to get you back,

860
01:02:19,750 --> 01:02:21,910
and, well, that's too scary.

861
01:02:24,270 --> 01:02:27,150
You can't hold onto tablets
when you're drowning.

862
01:02:28,790 --> 01:02:30,388
Too small.

863
01:02:30,390 --> 01:02:32,348
(NEEDLE CRACKLING ON RECORD)

864
01:02:32,350 --> 01:02:35,270
(REQUIEM IN D MINOR PLAYING)

865
01:03:00,869 --> 01:03:04,030
FUNNY COW:
You meet different people, don't you?

866
01:03:05,150 --> 01:03:08,790
Educated people.
Articulate people.

867
01:03:11,950 --> 01:03:15,348
And you think, "I'm one of them.

868
01:03:15,350 --> 01:03:18,189
Oh, thank God I'm one of them!"

869
01:03:19,229 --> 01:03:23,110
And then one day it hits you over
the back of the head like an 'ammer.

870
01:03:24,670 --> 01:03:26,550
You don't belong with them either.

871
01:03:27,750 --> 01:03:31,590
Because they're so wrapped up
in themselves, they can't feel anything.

872
01:03:32,350 --> 01:03:34,590
And they're scared and judgemental.

873
01:03:35,989 --> 01:03:38,308
And they're too busy
trying to insulate themselves

874
01:03:38,310 --> 01:03:40,308
against the cold winds
that'll topple them.

875
01:03:40,310 --> 01:03:44,310
However high they hold their head, they'll
still get a whiff of the shit they're in.

876
01:03:45,350 --> 01:03:49,150
You end up becoming the person
you're pretending to be, don't you?

877
01:03:49,750 --> 01:03:51,229
Invent yourself.

878
01:03:53,510 --> 01:03:55,510
It always felt like a film to me.

879
01:03:56,510 --> 01:03:58,989
Like I'm playing meself in a film,
you know.

880
01:04:00,350 --> 01:04:04,390
There's a big part of me standing on
the side, you know, watching me perform.

881
01:04:05,390 --> 01:04:08,348
Oh, and I've always been writing
my autobiography.

882
01:04:08,350 --> 01:04:11,308
Hmm. You know, and if...
If the story didn't fit

883
01:04:11,310 --> 01:04:14,750
or I... I didn't like the version
of meself, well, then, I...

884
01:04:17,670 --> 01:04:19,470
I'd spit it out.

885
01:04:21,989 --> 01:04:23,470
Or swallow it.

886
01:04:27,830 --> 01:04:29,830
(DOORBELL CHIMES)

887
01:04:40,670 --> 01:04:41,790
Hello?

888
01:04:57,550 --> 01:04:59,550
(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

889
01:05:18,350 --> 01:05:19,668
Waaaahhh!

890
01:05:19,670 --> 01:05:21,750
- Jesus!
- (GUFFAWS)

891
01:05:22,350 --> 01:05:25,510
You frightened the bloody life out of me!

892
01:05:27,030 --> 01:05:30,028
Christ. Haven't you got
anything better to do?

893
01:05:30,030 --> 01:05:31,670
Not that I can think of.

894
01:05:32,189 --> 01:05:36,950
Ooh, Angus. There's a terrible smell
of brown ale in here.

895
01:05:37,550 --> 01:05:40,068
(LAUGHS)

896
01:05:40,070 --> 01:05:41,950
Excuse me.

897
01:05:42,750 --> 01:05:44,627
Fart arse.

898
01:05:44,629 --> 01:05:46,030
(GIGGLES)

899
01:05:49,150 --> 01:05:50,310
Happy?

900
01:05:51,270 --> 01:05:53,068
You what?

901
01:05:53,070 --> 01:05:54,350
Are you happy?

902
01:05:55,790 --> 01:05:57,189
I'm delirious.

903
01:05:57,989 --> 01:05:59,350
You know what I meant.

904
01:06:01,350 --> 01:06:02,590
No, I don't.

905
01:06:03,030 --> 01:06:05,550
- It's a simple enough question.
- (SNORTS)

906
01:06:06,310 --> 01:06:07,989
It isn't, though, is it?

907
01:06:08,670 --> 01:06:10,470
Happiness comes and goes.

908
01:06:10,910 --> 01:06:15,028
Look... I can't walk round
grinning like a Cheshire cat.

909
01:06:15,030 --> 01:06:16,470
I'm just not like that.

910
01:06:19,030 --> 01:06:20,627
Know what I think?

911
01:06:20,629 --> 01:06:22,670
Hmm. What?

912
01:06:26,590 --> 01:06:28,548
I think we should have children.

913
01:06:28,550 --> 01:06:30,987
Why? You pregnant?

914
01:06:30,989 --> 01:06:34,150
Can you imagine? Our child?

915
01:06:35,390 --> 01:06:36,989
You'd be an amazing mother.

916
01:06:37,950 --> 01:06:39,348
Are you mad?

917
01:06:39,350 --> 01:06:42,590
Ah, you would. You really would.
It would be the making of you.

918
01:06:43,550 --> 01:06:45,590
You'd take to it like a duck to water.

919
01:06:46,229 --> 01:06:48,627
- No.
- You don't have to answer now.

920
01:06:48,629 --> 01:06:50,510
I don't want children.

921
01:06:51,550 --> 01:06:53,348
- I don't.
- Can't say that.

922
01:06:53,350 --> 01:06:56,670
Oh, can't I? Right.
So now you're telling me what I can't say?

923
01:06:57,150 --> 01:07:02,150
All I meant... "Never say never," right?
That's all I meant by that.

924
01:07:04,110 --> 01:07:06,788
You'll change your mind, you'll see.

925
01:07:06,790 --> 01:07:08,270
I won't, though.

926
01:07:09,830 --> 01:07:11,270
I've already had an abortion.

927
01:07:11,510 --> 01:07:13,989
(GULPING SWALLOW) What?

928
01:07:14,310 --> 01:07:15,869
You heard.

929
01:07:16,950 --> 01:07:17,950
Bob's.

930
01:07:21,430 --> 01:07:22,430
Well...

931
01:07:24,150 --> 01:07:26,989
You weren't meant to be
with him anyway, were you?

932
01:07:30,510 --> 01:07:34,910
It's all right. It's not a problem.
I'm all right with it.

933
01:07:35,790 --> 01:07:37,989
Well, thank you, that's very big of you.

934
01:07:44,310 --> 01:07:46,350
- Are you sulking?
- No.

935
01:07:47,110 --> 01:07:49,750
I... I'm just being honest.

936
01:07:51,229 --> 01:07:53,350
That's what you want from me,
isn't it, honesty?

937
01:07:56,750 --> 01:07:58,470
I can't have children, Angus.

938
01:08:00,350 --> 01:08:03,310
Not physically, not mentally.

939
01:08:04,629 --> 01:08:07,068
I shouldn't be allowed to have children.

940
01:08:07,070 --> 01:08:10,108
- Somebody needs to break the circle.
- What circle?

941
01:08:10,110 --> 01:08:12,670
Monkey see, monkey do,
and I'd do, I know I would.

942
01:08:13,390 --> 01:08:15,950
So I won't have children.

943
01:08:16,950 --> 01:08:18,470
So now you know.

944
01:08:20,910 --> 01:08:21,910
Right.

945
01:08:23,189 --> 01:08:24,790
Well, we'll see, won't we?

946
01:08:45,750 --> 01:08:47,428
What's wrong?

947
01:08:47,430 --> 01:08:49,627
Just feeling a bit rough.

948
01:08:49,629 --> 01:08:52,670
Rough? You look terrible.

949
01:08:53,110 --> 01:08:57,229
- What's wrong?
- I aren't a doctor, am I?

950
01:09:00,310 --> 01:09:02,227
Where does it hurt?

951
01:09:02,229 --> 01:09:04,388
Sheffield, Leeds...

952
01:09:04,390 --> 01:09:07,110
Barnsley. It bloody kills in Barnsley.

953
01:09:08,310 --> 01:09:09,508
(GROANS)

954
01:09:09,510 --> 01:09:11,268
Shall I get someone?

955
01:09:11,270 --> 01:09:13,788
Yeah, get Raquel Welch.

956
01:09:13,790 --> 01:09:18,108
Tell her I need mouth-to-mouth,
or a cock rub. Either'll do.

957
01:09:18,110 --> 01:09:19,788
Stop it.

958
01:09:19,790 --> 01:09:21,750
(GROANS)

959
01:09:23,350 --> 01:09:24,989
(WHIMPERS)

960
01:09:26,750 --> 01:09:30,668
Just got here.
I'm on in an hour and a half.

961
01:09:30,670 --> 01:09:34,310
- Well, you can't.
- I've got to. Be reight.

962
01:09:35,510 --> 01:09:37,588
Right, well, let's get you inside.

963
01:09:37,590 --> 01:09:39,390
- (GROANS)
- Come on.

964
01:09:41,390 --> 01:09:42,788
(HE GROANS)

965
01:09:42,790 --> 01:09:45,108
- Oh.
- Watch your head.

966
01:09:45,110 --> 01:09:46,390
Oh.

967
01:09:49,110 --> 01:09:50,550
Ooh.

968
01:09:53,350 --> 01:09:56,189
Lenny! There you are.

969
01:10:01,150 --> 01:10:02,869
You all right, lad?

970
01:10:04,550 --> 01:10:06,550
I can't go on, Danny.

971
01:10:06,989 --> 01:10:09,350
You can't go on?
What on earth are you talking about?

972
01:10:10,229 --> 01:10:12,748
You have to go on. I confirmed you
last week. Course you can go on.

973
01:10:12,750 --> 01:10:15,227
- He's poorly.
- Come on.

974
01:10:15,229 --> 01:10:17,227
Shit, shower, shampoo.
You know the rest.

975
01:10:17,229 --> 01:10:18,989
No, I'm finished.

976
01:10:20,670 --> 01:10:23,310
Not just tonight. Full stop.

977
01:10:24,070 --> 01:10:26,470
I'm packing it in, Danny.
I've had enough.

978
01:10:27,430 --> 01:10:30,227
- Look, look, do this spot tonight...
- No, I'm done.

979
01:10:30,229 --> 01:10:34,227
Do this spot tonight, then come and see me
in the office tomorrow, we'll have a chat.

980
01:10:34,229 --> 01:10:36,390
Will you be said? No more.

981
01:10:37,430 --> 01:10:40,627
Right. So what do I tell
the Con Sec, then?

982
01:10:40,629 --> 01:10:42,908
Tell him you don't feel like it?

983
01:10:42,910 --> 01:10:47,148
I've got a reputation, Lenny,
years to build, a second to lose.

984
01:10:47,150 --> 01:10:51,108
I won't be able to find a replacement at
this time, so you'll just have to go on.

985
01:10:51,110 --> 01:10:55,828
You don't need no-one.
Put this one on. She'll not let you down.

986
01:10:55,830 --> 01:10:59,948
Lenny, they're expecting a comic,
not a singer or whatever it is.

987
01:10:59,950 --> 01:11:01,828
- She is a comic.
- I don't think so.

988
01:11:01,830 --> 01:11:03,910
I am. I am.
That's what I am. I'm a comic.

989
01:11:04,629 --> 01:11:08,627
Listen, love, that lot out there
will tear you to pieces.

990
01:11:08,629 --> 01:11:11,828
They'll sniff you and dig you out
as soon as you open your mouth,

991
01:11:11,830 --> 01:11:13,227
possibly even before.

992
01:11:13,229 --> 01:11:14,788
I'll conquer 'em with love.

993
01:11:14,790 --> 01:11:17,668
Oh, love? Yeah, well, good luck with that.

994
01:11:17,670 --> 01:11:20,310
She can do it. She's a funny cow.

995
01:11:21,189 --> 01:11:24,110
Like you said,
you won't find anyone else.

996
01:11:25,590 --> 01:11:27,150
I'll do it for nowt.

997
01:11:28,790 --> 01:11:30,548
(HE SIGHS)

998
01:11:30,550 --> 01:11:32,308
Right.

999
01:11:32,310 --> 01:11:34,508
You do ten minutes.

1000
01:11:34,510 --> 01:11:36,590
I'll speak with the Con Sec.

1001
01:11:37,470 --> 01:11:39,470
Don't fuck it up.

1002
01:11:43,790 --> 01:11:46,108
(PERFORMERS SINGING IN BACKGROUND)

1003
01:11:46,110 --> 01:11:47,229
Shit.

1004
01:11:49,150 --> 01:11:51,510
♪ I wouldn't want to

1005
01:11:53,270 --> 01:11:55,510
♪ Lower the tone

1006
01:11:57,310 --> 01:11:59,910
♪ But you know there's still a little

1007
01:12:01,790 --> 01:12:04,468
♪ Spare meat on the bone

1008
01:12:04,470 --> 01:12:08,110
♪ Oh-oh-oh, I...

1009
01:12:09,470 --> 01:12:11,910
♪ Still want you

1010
01:12:13,310 --> 01:12:16,430
♪ Oh-oh-oh, I...

1011
01:12:18,310 --> 01:12:20,390
♪ Still want you

1012
01:12:22,229 --> 01:12:25,350
♪ Oh-oh-oh, I...

1013
01:12:27,229 --> 01:12:29,229
♪ Still want you

1014
01:12:30,310 --> 01:12:33,229
♪ Until the sun grows cold

1015
01:12:34,629 --> 01:12:37,550
♪ No need to breathe all alone

1016
01:12:39,350 --> 01:12:42,750
(SHE BURPS)

1017
01:12:44,989 --> 01:12:47,110
♪ Still want you ♪

1018
01:12:51,430 --> 01:12:53,590
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

1019
01:12:57,030 --> 01:12:58,670
(WHISTLING)

1020
01:13:01,590 --> 01:13:03,948
Bloody marvellous.
Did you enjoy that?

1021
01:13:03,950 --> 01:13:06,028
- AUDIENCE: Yeah!
- Marvellous.

1022
01:13:06,030 --> 01:13:10,229
Now, then, let's have a big Crookes
Club welcome for your next turn.

1023
01:13:10,590 --> 01:13:13,950
Put your hands together
for the Funny Cow.

1024
01:13:14,229 --> 01:13:16,830
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

1025
01:13:27,270 --> 01:13:30,150
Thank you. Thank you very much.

1026
01:13:30,470 --> 01:13:32,348
I love a warm hand on me entrance.

1027
01:13:32,350 --> 01:13:33,588
(A FEW TITTERS)

1028
01:13:33,590 --> 01:13:35,867
Anyway, I were sat at home
the other day

1029
01:13:35,869 --> 01:13:37,390
and there was a knock at the door.

1030
01:13:37,750 --> 01:13:40,668
So I gets up and I goes to t'door
and there's a fella standing there

1031
01:13:40,670 --> 01:13:43,910
and he says, "Hello, love.
Do you believe in free speech?"

1032
01:13:44,229 --> 01:13:46,308
I says, "Yes, I do."
He says, "Great."

1033
01:13:46,310 --> 01:13:49,308
- MAN: "Can I use your phone?"
- "Can I use your phone?"

1034
01:13:49,310 --> 01:13:52,030
(LAUGHTER)

1035
01:14:02,030 --> 01:14:05,030
- You've ruined me act.
- MAN: What act? You're shit!

1036
01:14:05,310 --> 01:14:07,388
Oh, no, no, you've ruined it.

1037
01:14:07,390 --> 01:14:10,548
I was just gonna do an impression
of a cunt and you beat me to it.

1038
01:14:10,550 --> 01:14:12,270
(LAUGHTER)

1039
01:14:15,629 --> 01:14:17,629
- Get your tits out!
- Oh-ho-ho.

1040
01:14:18,270 --> 01:14:21,308
If your cock was as big as your mouth,
I'd think about it.

1041
01:14:21,310 --> 01:14:22,508
(LAUGHTER)

1042
01:14:22,510 --> 01:14:28,748
By the way, excuse me, what do you
call a woman who likes small cocks?

1043
01:14:28,750 --> 01:14:31,548
- (WHISPERS) What's your name, love?
- (LAUGHTER)

1044
01:14:31,550 --> 01:14:33,550
- Janet.
- (LAUGHTER)

1045
01:14:34,030 --> 01:14:35,468
She's heard it!

1046
01:14:35,470 --> 01:14:37,350
(LAUGHTER)

1047
01:14:37,950 --> 01:14:41,428
Anyway, right, there were
these three blokes sat in a pub,

1048
01:14:41,430 --> 01:14:43,828
all sat at separate tables,
having a pint.

1049
01:14:43,830 --> 01:14:47,908
There were a poof, there were a Paki
and there was this English bloke.

1050
01:14:47,910 --> 01:14:51,588
Out of nowhere
appears this fairy godmother.

1051
01:14:51,590 --> 01:14:55,670
She says,
"I've come to grant you one wish.

1052
01:14:56,070 --> 01:14:57,948
"All of you, one wish each.

1053
01:14:57,950 --> 01:15:01,627
"Whatever you want,
your wish is my command."

1054
01:15:01,629 --> 01:15:06,430
So she goes back to t'Paki and she says,
"So, sunshine, what would you like?"

1055
01:15:06,869 --> 01:15:09,227
And he thinks about it for a second
and he says,

1056
01:15:09,229 --> 01:15:14,068
"You know what I am thinking?
I would like to take all my friends

1057
01:15:14,070 --> 01:15:17,028
"and all my family
and all my people..."

1058
01:15:17,030 --> 01:15:19,308
- He's a Welsh Paki, by the way.
- (LAUGHTER)

1059
01:15:19,310 --> 01:15:23,148
He says, "And I'd like
to take them back all to Pakistan

1060
01:15:23,150 --> 01:15:27,987
"where we can live happy ever after,
with no bother, no racism."

1061
01:15:27,989 --> 01:15:30,308
So she thinks,
"Great. Right, there you go.

1062
01:15:30,310 --> 01:15:31,948
"There's your wish granted."

1063
01:15:31,950 --> 01:15:35,348
Anyway, she turns to t'poof and she says,
"Hello, sweetheart. What would you like?"

1064
01:15:35,350 --> 01:15:37,590
He says, "Well, actually,
you know what I'd like?"

1065
01:15:38,110 --> 01:15:41,510
He said, "I'd like me and all my bum chums

1066
01:15:42,070 --> 01:15:45,948
"to go and live on a big island
in the middle of the Pacific Ocean

1067
01:15:45,950 --> 01:15:49,790
"where we can live free and happy
and no-one to bother us."

1068
01:15:50,510 --> 01:15:53,189
So she says,
"All right, there's your wish granted."

1069
01:15:53,750 --> 01:15:57,108
Anyway, t'English fella's sat there
just finishing off his pint,

1070
01:15:57,110 --> 01:16:00,108
and she says, "All right, sunshine,
what would you like?"

1071
01:16:00,110 --> 01:16:01,828
And he sits and he looks at her.

1072
01:16:01,830 --> 01:16:04,388
He says, "Can you just run those
past me again?"

1073
01:16:04,390 --> 01:16:07,508
She says, "Yeah." He says, "So, t'Paki,
he wants to go back to Pakistan

1074
01:16:07,510 --> 01:16:09,468
"with all his family and friends
and all his kind."

1075
01:16:09,470 --> 01:16:13,388
"Yeah," she says. He says, "And t'poof,
he wants to go and live on an island

1076
01:16:13,390 --> 01:16:16,908
"in t'middle of t'Pacific and bum himself
to oblivion with all his bum chums."

1077
01:16:16,910 --> 01:16:18,987
- (LAUGHTER)
- She says, "Yes."

1078
01:16:18,989 --> 01:16:21,470
So he sits, he stares into his pint
and he says,

1079
01:16:21,750 --> 01:16:23,788
"You know what?
I'll just have another pint."

1080
01:16:23,790 --> 01:16:25,510
(LAUGHTER)

1081
01:16:28,229 --> 01:16:29,788
MAN:
Get off, split arse!

1082
01:16:29,790 --> 01:16:32,748
Hey, now, I'm getting 50 quid
to make a twat of meself.

1083
01:16:32,750 --> 01:16:34,910
- What are you getting?
- (LAUGHTER)

1084
01:16:37,110 --> 01:16:39,588
Oh, 'ey, me mother rung t'other night.

1085
01:16:39,590 --> 01:16:42,227
Ooh, she were distraught, she were.
It were awful.

1086
01:16:42,229 --> 01:16:44,390
I says, "Are you all right?"
She says, "No, love, I'm not."

1087
01:16:44,629 --> 01:16:47,510
I says, "What's the matter?"
She says, "It's your father."

1088
01:16:47,790 --> 01:16:50,148
She says,
"I've just come back from t'doctor's

1089
01:16:50,150 --> 01:16:54,828
"and he's been diagnosed
with Alzheimer's... and VD."

1090
01:16:54,830 --> 01:16:56,627
I says, "Oh." She says, "Yes."

1091
01:16:56,629 --> 01:17:02,428
She says, "Worst thing is, I've left
t'back door open and he's disappeared."

1092
01:17:02,430 --> 01:17:05,348
I says, "Well, Mother, if he comes back,
whatever you do, don't fuck him."

1093
01:17:05,350 --> 01:17:07,867
- (LAUGHTER)
- Hey! I'll fuck you!

1094
01:17:07,869 --> 01:17:09,908
- Ooh!
- Settle down! Give her a chance!

1095
01:17:09,910 --> 01:17:14,028
You couldn't fuck your way
out of a paper bag, sunshine.

1096
01:17:14,030 --> 01:17:15,790
(LAUGHTER)

1097
01:17:18,590 --> 01:17:21,508
MAN: Time to get home
and get some fucking housework done!

1098
01:17:21,510 --> 01:17:22,748
AUDIENCE:
Ooh!

1099
01:17:22,750 --> 01:17:28,110
Why don't you shut your mouth,
you big, ugly, boring cunt?

1100
01:17:28,590 --> 01:17:30,510
(LAUGHTER)

1101
01:17:31,070 --> 01:17:36,028
You're so ugly, when you were born,
t'midwife slapped your mother.

1102
01:17:36,030 --> 01:17:37,148
(LAUGHTER)

1103
01:17:37,150 --> 01:17:40,070
You're so boring, when you're
wanking, your wrists fall asleep.

1104
01:17:41,070 --> 01:17:43,748
Get the fuck off. Fuck off!

1105
01:17:43,750 --> 01:17:45,268
(CROWD JEER)

1106
01:17:45,270 --> 01:17:49,430
Hey, now, what's the difference
between jam and marmalade?

1107
01:17:50,910 --> 01:17:53,108
You can't marmalade your cock
up a bird's arse.

1108
01:17:53,110 --> 01:17:54,830
(LAUGHTER)

1109
01:18:01,430 --> 01:18:03,830
(CHAIN BREAKING OFF CISTERN AND FLUSHING)

1110
01:18:15,070 --> 01:18:17,070
(BURST OF LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

1111
01:18:19,869 --> 01:18:21,790
(TOILET FLUSHES)

1112
01:18:22,070 --> 01:18:24,070
(BURST OF LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

1113
01:18:28,989 --> 01:18:30,750
(EXHALES)

1114
01:18:33,270 --> 01:18:38,908
Confucius say, "Man who drop watch
in toilet have shitty time."

1115
01:18:38,910 --> 01:18:41,150
(BURST OF LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

1116
01:18:44,270 --> 01:18:48,268
Hello, Incontinence Helpline.
Can you hold?

1117
01:18:48,270 --> 01:18:50,108
(BURST OF LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

1118
01:18:50,110 --> 01:18:51,989
(CHAIN CLATTERS ONTO FLOOR)

1119
01:19:08,310 --> 01:19:11,070
How many animals
can you fit on a toilet?

1120
01:19:12,390 --> 01:19:14,989
One pussy and a thousand hares.

1121
01:19:21,790 --> 01:19:25,590
Give a man a fish
and he'll feed himself for a day.

1122
01:19:26,869 --> 01:19:31,989
Give a man hope... And he'll starve
to death hoping for a fish.

1123
01:19:36,030 --> 01:19:39,430
Take my life, please.

1124
01:19:41,590 --> 01:19:43,750
(CHOKING)

1125
01:19:49,869 --> 01:19:51,908
(BURST OF LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

1126
01:19:51,910 --> 01:19:53,910
(APPLAUSE IN DISTANCE)

1127
01:19:56,510 --> 01:19:58,028
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

1128
01:19:58,030 --> 01:20:02,068
Now, have any of you read any of them
lonely hearts adverts in t'paper?

1129
01:20:02,070 --> 01:20:05,788
Lying bastards, aren't they?
Eh? Lying bastards.

1130
01:20:05,790 --> 01:20:09,830
You can't believe a word they say,
honestly.

1131
01:20:10,229 --> 01:20:13,748
"Adventurous."
That means they like anal.

1132
01:20:13,750 --> 01:20:16,268
(LAUGHTER)

1133
01:20:16,270 --> 01:20:19,068
"Intelligent." Smelly fanny.

1134
01:20:19,070 --> 01:20:20,830
(LAUGHTER)

1135
01:20:22,910 --> 01:20:25,788
- "Curvy." Fat twat.
- (LAUGHTER)

1136
01:20:25,790 --> 01:20:27,308
"Cuddly."

1137
01:20:27,310 --> 01:20:29,428
- Fatter twat.
- (LAUGHTER)

1138
01:20:29,430 --> 01:20:31,308
"Likes eating out."

1139
01:20:31,310 --> 01:20:33,588
- Lazy fat twat.
- (LAUGHTER)

1140
01:20:33,590 --> 01:20:35,350
(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

1141
01:20:37,869 --> 01:20:40,508
That was the wonderful Funny Cow.

1142
01:20:40,510 --> 01:20:42,270
Ladies and gentlemen, Funny Cow!

1143
01:20:42,510 --> 01:20:45,508
I mean it.
I'll get you double Lenny's money.

1144
01:20:45,510 --> 01:20:47,748
I'll keep you busy five nights a week.

1145
01:20:47,750 --> 01:20:50,187
You sign with me,
I'll take you all the way.

1146
01:20:50,189 --> 01:20:52,508
- Where to?
- Where to?

1147
01:20:52,510 --> 01:20:54,828
Top of the greasy pole, that's where.

1148
01:20:54,830 --> 01:20:56,788
I'm gonna make you a star, darling.

1149
01:20:56,790 --> 01:20:59,229
- Oh, twinkle, twinkle.
- I mean it.

1150
01:21:00,110 --> 01:21:01,948
Don't tease me.

1151
01:21:01,950 --> 01:21:04,948
I'm not teasing, I don't tease
and I don't mess around,

1152
01:21:04,950 --> 01:21:06,627
because I am all business.

1153
01:21:06,629 --> 01:21:09,590
Are yer? Well, I'm 40% cheese.

1154
01:21:10,550 --> 01:21:12,550
(SHE SIGHS)

1155
01:21:15,750 --> 01:21:17,470
(WHISPERS)
Lenny.

1156
01:21:24,310 --> 01:21:29,388
- How now. What news?
- He's almost supp'd.

1157
01:21:29,390 --> 01:21:30,948
Why have you left the chamber?

1158
01:21:30,950 --> 01:21:34,030
- Hath he ask'd for me?
- Know you not he has?

1159
01:21:34,629 --> 01:21:37,310
MACBETH: We will proceed no further
in this business.

1160
01:21:37,950 --> 01:21:39,187
He hath honour'd me of late

1161
01:21:39,189 --> 01:21:42,390
and I have bought golden opinions
from all sorts of places,

1162
01:21:43,670 --> 01:21:48,187
which would be worn now in their newest
gloss, not cast aside so soon.

1163
01:21:48,189 --> 01:21:51,627
LADY MACBETH: Was the hope drunk
wherein you dress'd yourself?

1164
01:21:51,629 --> 01:21:53,668
Hath it slept since?

1165
01:21:53,670 --> 01:21:57,350
And wakes it now
to look so green and pale?

1166
01:21:58,590 --> 01:22:00,867
- Where did you go?
- Barbados.

1167
01:22:00,869 --> 01:22:02,908
Sarcasm doesn't suit you, you know that?

1168
01:22:02,910 --> 01:22:05,428
Ah, you don't think so?
That's a shame.

1169
01:22:05,430 --> 01:22:08,867
- Why did you leave?
- 'Cause I was bored shitless.

1170
01:22:08,869 --> 01:22:12,348
Of Shakespeare?
You're telling me Shakespeare's boring?

1171
01:22:12,350 --> 01:22:15,468
No, I'm telling you I was bored.
It's just not my thing.

1172
01:22:15,470 --> 01:22:16,987
Well, what is?

1173
01:22:16,989 --> 01:22:20,150
I don't know.
Not bleedin' Pinky and bleedin' Perky.

1174
01:22:20,750 --> 01:22:22,430
It's 'cause I'm thick, all right?

1175
01:22:22,790 --> 01:22:25,428
No, no, you're not thick. Far from it.

1176
01:22:25,430 --> 01:22:27,908
I couldn't understand
half of what they were saying

1177
01:22:27,910 --> 01:22:30,148
and when they started laughing,
I wanted to kill 'em.

1178
01:22:30,150 --> 01:22:32,348
And that bloke sat behind us
mouthing the words

1179
01:22:32,350 --> 01:22:35,750
like he's at some sing-along, making sure
the audience are watching him.

1180
01:22:36,390 --> 01:22:39,428
You don't have to be threatened by it.
Shakespeare's for everyone.

1181
01:22:39,430 --> 01:22:43,189
It's not, though, is it?
Because you lot have hijacked it.

1182
01:22:44,629 --> 01:22:46,308
"You lot"?
What do you mean by that?

1183
01:22:46,310 --> 01:22:49,430
You know. The educated.

1184
01:22:50,030 --> 01:22:54,830
Oh, right, right. So, would you rather
that I wasn't educated? Is that it?

1185
01:22:55,869 --> 01:23:01,748
Would you rather I went to the football,
drank lager, came home and... Beat you?

1186
01:23:01,750 --> 01:23:04,028
Would you like that? Is that it?
Is that what you'd prefer?

1187
01:23:04,030 --> 01:23:05,268
- Drag my knuckles?
- No.

1188
01:23:05,270 --> 01:23:08,348
I'd prefer you didn't bring me here
like some Liza fucking Doolittle.

1189
01:23:08,350 --> 01:23:10,229
I just don't want it.

1190
01:23:10,750 --> 01:23:13,189
What do you think my motivation was?

1191
01:23:14,110 --> 01:23:17,989
I just wanted you to enjoy it with me,
a shared experience.

1192
01:23:18,270 --> 01:23:20,790
I don't have some fucking agenda.

1193
01:23:21,150 --> 01:23:24,987
I love you and I wanted us to have
a nice night out together at the theatre.

1194
01:23:24,989 --> 01:23:26,550
Is that so bad?

1195
01:23:26,950 --> 01:23:28,627
Well, I don't.

1196
01:23:28,629 --> 01:23:30,110
You don't what?

1197
01:23:31,390 --> 01:23:32,390
Love you.

1198
01:23:33,350 --> 01:23:35,150
W...

1199
01:23:39,229 --> 01:23:41,070
I'm sorry, Angus.

1200
01:23:41,430 --> 01:23:43,150
Really, I am.

1201
01:23:44,189 --> 01:23:45,750
I don't know how you...

1202
01:23:46,590 --> 01:23:48,550
I've been inside you.

1203
01:23:50,189 --> 01:23:51,310
I know.

1204
01:23:53,790 --> 01:23:57,350
Don't finish it, please.
We're good together.

1205
01:23:58,629 --> 01:24:01,189
I can change. I can and I will.

1206
01:24:02,590 --> 01:24:06,030
I don't want to be on my own.
I don't want to be alone. Please.

1207
01:24:06,390 --> 01:24:08,148
I've waited so long
for somebody like you.

1208
01:24:08,150 --> 01:24:10,950
Look, you can't make me love you...

1209
01:24:12,150 --> 01:24:13,989
Because I can't love.

1210
01:24:14,950 --> 01:24:18,468
It's not you. You're lovely
and you're funny and you're kind.

1211
01:24:18,470 --> 01:24:20,869
Well, don't fucking finish it, then.

1212
01:24:21,830 --> 01:24:23,788
If all that's true,
don't finish it, please.

1213
01:24:23,790 --> 01:24:25,830
You are better off without me.

1214
01:24:28,830 --> 01:24:30,470
No. No, I'm not. I'm fucking not.

1215
01:24:31,229 --> 01:24:33,548
- I'm a monster.
- No.

1216
01:24:33,550 --> 01:24:36,508
I am. I'm...
I'm barbaric and I'm sentimental.

1217
01:24:36,510 --> 01:24:38,187
Is that the right word?

1218
01:24:38,189 --> 01:24:41,748
I could kill somebody, chop up the body
and put it in a tartan biscuit tin.

1219
01:24:41,750 --> 01:24:43,229
I'm fucked!

1220
01:24:46,150 --> 01:24:51,030
You don't tell me to shut up.
You don't tell me to be quiet.

1221
01:24:51,310 --> 01:24:53,388
Of course I don't.
Why would I do that?

1222
01:24:53,390 --> 01:24:55,189
I love you.

1223
01:24:56,070 --> 01:24:57,950
That is love to me...

1224
01:24:59,070 --> 01:25:00,790
And it's not your fault.

1225
01:25:03,830 --> 01:25:04,989
I'm going now.

1226
01:25:06,270 --> 01:25:07,790
Where are you going?

1227
01:25:08,629 --> 01:25:12,110
Are you going back to him
so he can squash you and beat you?

1228
01:25:15,390 --> 01:25:16,390
No.

1229
01:25:18,590 --> 01:25:19,910
Take care, Angus.

1230
01:25:21,550 --> 01:25:25,910
If you knew how much I was hurting inside,
you wouldn't do this. You wouldn't.

1231
01:25:26,550 --> 01:25:27,750
Goodbye, Angus.

1232
01:25:50,110 --> 01:25:52,470
- (DOG BARKS)
- (PHONE RINGING)

1233
01:25:54,550 --> 01:25:56,189
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

1234
01:26:06,590 --> 01:26:09,030
(VENTILATOR HISSING AND MONITOR BEEPING)

1235
01:26:26,150 --> 01:26:27,670
How do?

1236
01:26:29,070 --> 01:26:31,150
(HE WHEEZES SOFTLY)

1237
01:26:35,750 --> 01:26:37,750
I was waiting for you to come.

1238
01:26:39,910 --> 01:26:42,270
I didn't know if you were gonna come.

1239
01:26:46,150 --> 01:26:48,670
I wouldn't have blamed you
if you didn't come.

1240
01:26:52,550 --> 01:26:54,310
Er...

1241
01:26:56,030 --> 01:26:58,070
It's for...

1242
01:27:00,989 --> 01:27:03,588
It makes me daft when I take it off.

1243
01:27:03,590 --> 01:27:06,428
It's a shame, 'cause it suits you.

1244
01:27:06,430 --> 01:27:08,350
Yeah.

1245
01:27:09,189 --> 01:27:11,110
Look at me hands.

1246
01:27:12,430 --> 01:27:14,270
They're all...

1247
01:27:18,189 --> 01:27:21,310
I've been waiting for you to come
'cause I wanted to tell you...

1248
01:27:25,950 --> 01:27:27,790
I'm really...

1249
01:27:28,510 --> 01:27:30,350
I'm really sorry...

1250
01:27:31,989 --> 01:27:33,869
For everything that went on.

1251
01:27:35,070 --> 01:27:36,390
And...

1252
01:27:38,030 --> 01:27:39,350
And um...

1253
01:27:42,070 --> 01:27:44,110
I'm sorry for shouting at you.

1254
01:27:45,910 --> 01:27:51,068
I'm sorry for... Always shouting at you,
'cause you didn't deserve it,

1255
01:27:51,070 --> 01:27:54,108
and I'm sorry that I hit you,

1256
01:27:54,110 --> 01:27:57,229
and I know you had to go,
and you should have gone before.

1257
01:28:00,590 --> 01:28:02,430
Come here.

1258
01:28:06,390 --> 01:28:08,070
Come here.

1259
01:28:08,750 --> 01:28:10,229
I can't bend my thing.

1260
01:28:10,750 --> 01:28:12,430
Come here.

1261
01:28:13,750 --> 01:28:15,470
Come here.

1262
01:28:17,830 --> 01:28:20,148
- (WHISPERS): I'm sorry.
- I know.

1263
01:28:20,150 --> 01:28:21,750
I'm sorry.

1264
01:28:26,989 --> 01:28:29,189
I'm sleepy.

1265
01:28:35,950 --> 01:28:37,989
(MONITOR BEEPS SPEED UP)

1266
01:28:44,430 --> 01:28:46,830
(MONITOR BEEPS CONTINUE)

1267
01:29:34,910 --> 01:29:37,030
(SHE GIGGLES)

1268
01:29:42,869 --> 01:29:44,910
Bye, Bob!

1269
01:30:37,189 --> 01:30:39,229
Oh, God.

1270
01:30:46,350 --> 01:30:48,189
(EXHALES)

1271
01:30:50,030 --> 01:30:52,110
(BOTTLES CLINKING)

1272
01:31:06,950 --> 01:31:09,070
Here, let me do that.

1273
01:31:14,270 --> 01:31:16,270
Are you gonna carry on like this?

1274
01:31:19,070 --> 01:31:20,950
I thought I might, yeah.

1275
01:31:26,629 --> 01:31:29,989
You are gonna drink yourself to death.

1276
01:31:31,229 --> 01:31:35,830
- Give it me!
- Well, I was born in a storm, wun't I?

1277
01:31:42,390 --> 01:31:44,670
It's bloody cold in here, Mam.

1278
01:31:46,150 --> 01:31:48,070
It's cold everywhere.

1279
01:31:49,950 --> 01:31:51,910
You're like a little bird.

1280
01:31:56,510 --> 01:31:58,270
(COUGHS)

1281
01:32:02,830 --> 01:32:05,908
- I wanna do something for you.
- Do you?

1282
01:32:05,910 --> 01:32:07,670
Yeah, I do.

1283
01:32:14,070 --> 01:32:16,750
I know it's not been... Right.

1284
01:32:17,869 --> 01:32:19,390
Us.

1285
01:32:20,430 --> 01:32:22,510
And I know you don't like to talk.

1286
01:32:25,830 --> 01:32:28,629
- But I want to take you to the coast...
- (BLOWS)

1287
01:32:28,910 --> 01:32:30,790
...to live.

1288
01:32:32,310 --> 01:32:34,150
If you like.

1289
01:32:35,590 --> 01:32:38,270
- I'll buy you a place.
- (SOBS)

1290
01:32:39,430 --> 01:32:42,108
(ANGUISHED CRYING)

1291
01:32:42,110 --> 01:32:46,470
I've been no... Kind of a mother.

1292
01:32:57,030 --> 01:33:01,869
No. I'll only drink meself... Stupid.

1293
01:33:02,950 --> 01:33:07,189
Aye, well, you can do it
under a big sky, can't you?

1294
01:33:09,629 --> 01:33:12,508
I'm so sorry, love.

1295
01:33:12,510 --> 01:33:14,830
(SOBS)

1296
01:33:17,150 --> 01:33:19,030
What are we like, eh?

1297
01:33:41,869 --> 01:33:43,910
(BIRDS SQUAWK)

1298
01:33:47,270 --> 01:33:48,510
You might be happy now.

1299
01:33:49,390 --> 01:33:51,390
I might be.

1300
01:33:54,270 --> 01:33:56,350
Why did you put up with it?

1301
01:33:58,030 --> 01:34:00,270
'Cause I didn't know any better.

1302
01:34:01,629 --> 01:34:03,390
You should have got out.

1303
01:34:04,670 --> 01:34:08,350
Should'a... Could'a, didn't.

1304
01:34:13,110 --> 01:34:15,150
You saw him hitting me, Mum.

1305
01:34:20,830 --> 01:34:22,430
I were only little.

1306
01:34:24,470 --> 01:34:25,590
It wasn't right.

1307
01:34:29,390 --> 01:34:30,590
Can't be helped now.

1308
01:34:35,110 --> 01:34:36,189
No.

1309
01:34:44,430 --> 01:34:45,950
When I was a kid...

1310
01:34:47,470 --> 01:34:49,910
I dreamt I was flying.

1311
01:34:50,830 --> 01:34:53,350
Flying over Salisbury Plain.

1312
01:34:54,869 --> 01:34:57,229
I didn't know it was Salisbury Plain
till I grew up.

1313
01:35:00,229 --> 01:35:02,910
It was a beautiful sunny day.

1314
01:35:03,629 --> 01:35:05,670
The wind was stinging me face...

1315
01:35:06,950 --> 01:35:08,750
Pulling me mouth open.

1316
01:35:14,030 --> 01:35:15,790
But it was a memory.

1317
01:35:17,189 --> 01:35:19,030
Not a dream.

1318
01:35:20,350 --> 01:35:22,110
I was flying.

1319
01:35:22,750 --> 01:35:25,229
And I know that isn't right.

1320
01:35:27,750 --> 01:35:29,629
But it's true.

1321
01:35:31,310 --> 01:35:33,629
I was flying.

1322
01:35:34,390 --> 01:35:37,270
See, I've lived my whole life
knowing I can fly.

1323
01:35:38,869 --> 01:35:40,550
It's what's kept me up.

1324
01:35:42,030 --> 01:35:43,390
Lifted me up.

1325
01:36:38,270 --> 01:36:41,510
You see, it's always been
too much for me, life.

1326
01:36:42,750 --> 01:36:45,869
Too much and not enough...

1327
01:36:47,869 --> 01:36:49,910
All at the same time.

1328
01:36:56,229 --> 01:36:58,470
Listen to me going on, eh?

1329
01:37:03,030 --> 01:37:05,030
(FUNNY COW PLAYING)

1330
01:37:05,470 --> 01:37:08,270
♪ She's a funny cow

1331
01:37:09,390 --> 01:37:11,950
♪ Always acts the clown

1332
01:37:12,550 --> 01:37:15,987
♪ To all those faces in dark places

1333
01:37:15,989 --> 01:37:18,869
♪ So many rain-grey towns

1334
01:37:19,750 --> 01:37:21,750
♪ But any second now

1335
01:37:22,629 --> 01:37:25,310
♪ She'll bring down the house

1336
01:37:26,030 --> 01:37:29,430
♪ She's a funny cow

1337
01:37:32,310 --> 01:37:34,830
♪ She's a funny cow

1338
01:37:36,229 --> 01:37:38,390
♪ See her take a bow

1339
01:37:39,910 --> 01:37:45,030
♪ The stages that she graces
so much bigger now

1340
01:37:46,430 --> 01:37:49,189
♪ And by any means how

1341
01:37:49,790 --> 01:37:52,670
♪ She'll bring down this house

1342
01:37:53,189 --> 01:37:56,430
♪ She's a funny cow

1343
01:38:00,229 --> 01:38:05,350
♪ Now she'll never play
those haunted music halls again

1344
01:38:06,869 --> 01:38:12,229
♪ Something better's coming
and it's just around the bend

1345
01:38:13,430 --> 01:38:16,588
♪ She will not forget her roots

1346
01:38:16,590 --> 01:38:19,270
♪ Or where it all began

1347
01:38:20,110 --> 01:38:24,548
♪ One click of those ruby slippers

1348
01:38:24,550 --> 01:38:28,030
♪ And she's home again

1349
01:38:30,070 --> 01:38:32,350
♪ She's a funny cow

1350
01:38:43,550 --> 01:38:48,229
♪ This is the part

1351
01:38:48,629 --> 01:38:50,989
♪ Where you get it wrong

1352
01:38:55,950 --> 01:39:00,510
♪ Sometimes it's not where you're at

1353
01:39:01,790 --> 01:39:03,390
♪ It's where you're from

1354
01:39:08,470 --> 01:39:13,310
♪ And even the family cat

1355
01:39:13,989 --> 01:39:16,310
♪ Can laugh along

1356
01:39:21,150 --> 01:39:25,987
♪ She could sing to the birds

1357
01:39:25,989 --> 01:39:29,189
♪ And they'd sing her songs

1358
01:39:32,670 --> 01:39:35,310
♪ She's a funny cow

1359
01:39:38,989 --> 01:39:41,670
♪ She's a funny cow

1360
01:39:45,510 --> 01:39:48,310
♪ Who's laughing now?

1361
01:39:50,869 --> 01:39:53,910
♪ Yeah, she's a funny cow

1362
01:41:10,430 --> 01:41:13,189
♪ She's a funny cow

1363
01:41:16,590 --> 01:41:19,350
♪ She's a funny cow

1364
01:41:22,869 --> 01:41:25,510
♪ She's a funny cow ♪

1365
01:41:27,470 --> 01:41:29,550
(A LITTLE BIT MORE PLAYING)

1366
01:41:36,510 --> 01:41:38,627
♪ I never asked you

1367
01:41:38,629 --> 01:41:42,430
♪ To buy me the moon

1368
01:41:44,350 --> 01:41:46,468
♪ I just want you

1369
01:41:46,470 --> 01:41:50,508
♪ To come back soon

1370
01:41:50,510 --> 01:41:53,310
♪ And love me

1371
01:41:57,270 --> 01:42:00,189
♪ Like you did before

1372
01:42:06,150 --> 01:42:08,830
♪ Yeah, love me

1373
01:42:13,189 --> 01:42:16,110
♪ Just a little bit more

1374
01:42:22,390 --> 01:42:24,670
♪ And love me ♪

1375
01:42:24,672 --> 01:42:28,734
Subtitles by explosiveskull