Do It Yourself Waifu (One-shot)

														Do It Yourself Waifu!
													(Now with 33% less glitches!)

Summary: You receive a strange package containing your own ideal partner! (Some assembly required). Where did she come from, anyway? Well, keep guessing, because it's never revealed!




	Your name wasn’t very important.

	Few people even knew what your real name was. They never bothered to ask. You had a lot of nicknames: “Guy,” “dude,” and sometimes, “creep.” Well, those weren’t real nicknames so much as they were generic nouns, but that wasn’t the point.

	The point was, someone, somehow, had sent you a package. It was large, very large, so big in fact that you had struggled to carry it up the two flights of cracked stone steps that led to your tiny apartment. It was yours, you knew, because it came with a note that said: “To Anon, with Love!”

	Okay, so it was a bit weird that the package was supposed to be given “To Anon” since your name was not, in fact, “Anonymous,” but you assumed it was referring to your avid use of imageboard websites. The question remained, how did the sender know that you used 8chan? You didn’t have many friends, and you had never revealed your power level to anyone who actually knew you in real life. So, how did the sender know?

	It didn’t matter. All that mattered was getting that damned package up and into your room.

	You leaned it against the wall, and heard several heavy objects (figurines? knick-knacks?) slide around inside the box as it shifted position. You snatched your keys, unlocked the door, swung it open, and carefully pulled the box inside.

	The package sat in the middle of your living room. It seemed to draw all attention towards itself. You couldn’t help but wonder what was inside.

	Still, the package could wait. You were hungry after a long day working hard for low wages. Your coworkers took more energy out of you than the job itself.

	You checked the fridge (barren!) and the pantry (deserted!). Great, you had forgotten to stock up on food, again. You still had some crackers, and a half-cup of orange juice.

	You’re halfway through the remaining crackers when you hear something strange. It sounded like a soft, tinny voice.

	Putting down the box of crackers, you listen carefully, but hear nothing. It was getting late out, and you were probably hearing things, or maybe one of the other residents had their TV turned all the way up again.

	Shrugging, you shove another cracker in your mouth right as the sound comes back.

	“Hey, hey, open it up. Hey, hey, open it up.”

	You nearly jump out of your skin as you lurch back and knock your head against the refrigerator.

	The hell was that voice? It sounded like it had come from directly beneath you.

	Setting aside your snack, you drop on all fours and press your ear against the bare floor and listen for the sound to come again. Had someone moved in to the empty room below you?

	“Hey, hey, over here. Open it up, hey, hey.”

	There was no mistaking it. The soft, feminine voice was coming from your package.

	Steeling all of your courage, you reach into a nearby drawer and pull out a pocket knife. You tiptoe over to the package, which suddenly seems far more suspicious now that it’s talking to you.

	You realize that this is probably some sort of prank. Someone sent you a recorded message or something to scare the shit out of you late at night, maybe. Still, it seemed like an awful lot of trouble to go through for a stupid joke.

	“Hey, here, here. Open it up.”

	You’re definitely going to post about this later, you decide as you grab the package and carefully cut it open, making sure not to accidentally slice whatever’s inside.

	You rip back the packaging, wade through at least a solid pound of packing peanuts and bubble wrap, and find yourself staring at an assortment of strange, grey metal parts.

	“Thanks,” said the voice.

	“N-no problem,” you say, not quite sure whether this is some sort of weird fever dream or not.

	Sitting in front of you, in the middle of all those rounded metal pieces, loose screws, and disassembled machinery, is a decapitated human head.

	Well, your initial impression was wrong. The head is only shaped like a humans, it has no skin or other biological parts. It is entirely made of soft, grey metal. Instead of a face, is has a thin black visor with a glossy look to it that reminds you of your alarm clock.

	The visor lights up and bathes you in a soft blueish glow as a face, made entirely of blue LED lights, comes into being. The face is rough, with two blinking circles for eyes and a smile made of dots. It’s essentially a great big emoticon.

	“Thanks! Box wasn’t fun. The air!” it says, sound emanating from the head from some unseen speaker. It’s… Her voice was shaky and electronic. She was obviously having trouble talking. However, her voice possessed a sort of unbridled enthusiasm that made her clumsy attempts at speech oddly endearing.

	The LED face shifts and smiles at you before quickly adopting a more contemplative face. You’ve never seen an emoticon mimic real facial expressions so well.

	“Who are you?” you ask. It’s a logical first question. Most people would probably be calling the police, or at least a relative, by this point. You weren’t like most people.

	“I… am… friendly!” the machine-head shouts as she makes an exaggerated grin and winks. Little hearts made of LED dots explode from her mouth as she makes a kissing face. Then, she goes back to a neutral expression, eyes occasionally darting back and forth, as if she’s taking in her surroundings.

	“No, that’s not what I asked,” you say, “Who are you?”

	“I am… I am good person!” she says, voice stuttering a bit.

	“Right.”

	You squat and begin inspecting the packaging more closely. You’re not sure who would want to send you a talking head, but maybe they gave you some kind of note.

	Shaking the package reveals a thick pamphlet that slips out from between two sheets of bubble wrap. The pamphlet is a set of instructions.

	“Do it yourself… waifu?” you say aloud, not quite believing the paper in your hands. This was almost certainly some kind of joke.

	“Hey, robot lady, what is this?” you say, holding up the instruction manual.

	She glances at the paper, then, her eyes are replaced by a pair of spinning icons. Suddenly, her face disappears as her entire visor lights up blue, then red, then green.

	The sounds of muffled trumpets and other big brass instruments fill your room. Then, after the fanfare has ended, an unfamiliar voice becomes audible.

	“Hello lucky customer!” bellows a male voice. “If you’re listening to this prerecorded message, let me be the first to congratulate you! As the millionth visitor to our site, ‘Do It Yourself Waifu.com,’ you have become entitled to our prototype Waifu model! The Waifu Version 2.4 comes with adaptive learning software, pattern recognition, extensive memory, a backup save drive, and interchangeable parts that will make her as human as possible! The Waifu Version 2.4 comes with thirty percent less bugs! Now that’s a steal-now that’s now that’s now that’s a steal steal! Hello hello lucky customer lucky-”

	The prerecorded message dies down into static as the playback fails. The machine’s face returns to its original, emoticon-like features.

	Her face absentmindedly blinks, waiting.

	“Okay, I’m starting to think this isn’t a joke,” you think aloud.

	“You want to you want you hear a joke-joke?” the head asks. “Okay, preparing joke. Knock knock?”

	You smile, despite yourself.

	“Who’s there?”

	“Your waifu!”

	“Your waifu who?” you ask.

	“It’s me!” the robot exclaims, grinning. “Pretty-pretty good right? Right?”

	“I think it needs a bit of work,” you say as you look more closely at the instruction manual.

	The paper outlines an “extremely simple” one-hundred and fifty-three step process for constructing and preparing the perfect waifu, “tailored exactly to your specifications!” You read further: “It watches you! It learns from you!”

	Well, that’s not ominous or anything.

	“Hey robot, you have ‘adaptive learning’ software, right? What does that do, exactly?”

	“By-by watching you, I get smarter!” the machine replies. “After a while, I get so smart that I can be like you! Teach me, I learn!”

	“Well, before we do any of that, we should get some of these loose pieces put away before I trip on something…” you say, reading intently.

	Suddenly, you notice something.

	By carefully opening the reading material, you unravel a massive, highly-detailed image. It displays a robotic exoskeleton, complete with arms, legs, and a multipart torso. The head, complete with emoticon face, is displayed at the top.

	You look at the pieces surrounding the head. You put two and two together pretty quickly.

	“Holy crap, I have to put you together from nothing,” you groan. As if working all day wasn’t enough, when you came back, you’d have to keep working!

	Still, the promise of a real, physical “waifu” was pretty hard to ignore. Even if she would end up looking like a six-foot tall military robot, you couldn’t help but desire the company.

	On the other hand, that was a lot of pieces down there… You sigh, and begin putting them back into the packaging as carefully as you can. The last thing you needed was for the landlady to waltz in and think you’re building a bomb or something.

	Finally, all that’s left on the floor is the robot’s head.

	“Okay, um, robot,” you say, slapping your hands together. The machine’s blinking eyes look up at you expectantly.

	“Power down,” you say. You need to get some sleep in before you worry about any of this. Things might start making more sense tomorrow.

	“I can’t!” the machine says.

	“You… can’t?”

	“I-I-I can’t!”

	“Why not?”

	The robot doesn’t answer you. Instead, she blinks, and then gives you a goofy smile.

	“Well look, I have to go to bed. I can’t just have you on all night talking to yourself. I’ll never get any rest!”

	The head doesn’t respond.

	You sigh and run a hand through your hair. Then, you smile back as an idea occurs to you.

	“Do you like television?” you ask, carefully picking up the robot head. Despite feeling sturdy, it’s surprisingly light in your hands. You take great care not to drop it.

	“I want… to watch… TV!” the head shouts.

	You switch on the box television that your parents insisted you keep at the apartment, despite the fact that you prefer getting entertainment online. Well, you’re happy you have the TV now. With it, you can keep the little robot distracted while you get some sleep.

	You feel a bit guilty, setting down the machine head on the couch and turning it towards the TV. It feels sort of like you’re a parent who doesn’t have enough time for your kid.

	“Okay, robot, you get to watch television! I’m going to turn it down a bit so we don’t bother the other people, okay? Just… Please, stay quiet, okay? Just watch, don’t talk, okay?”

	The head gives you a cheerful smile, but does not respond. Hey, maybe this will actually work out!

	You flip channels, avoiding the news stations. You accidently land on Comedy Central, and change channels as quickly as you can. You need to find something appropriate for a young, impressionable robot to watch.

	You encounter some obscure drama channel. It seems harmless enough. After checking that the station will be airing nothing but old reruns for the next eight hours, you smile and set down the remote.

	“Okay robot, enjoy some television! Hmm, I’m going to need to give you a name later. Well, see you soon!” you tiptoe off to bed. Before you enter your bedroom, you peek back out from around the corner.

	The robot is staring intently at the television, quietly. The glowing screen illuminates her little head.

	You feel a small, strange feeling well up inside you. Love? No, it can’t be. Nobody just randomly loves a robot head, you think.

	You head off to bed and wrap yourself up in as many blankets as you can, avoiding the cold.

	Unbeknownst to yourself, the drama you had chosen was actually a soap opera that was extremely popular with older women. It was well known for its surprisingly good acting and strong romantic themes.

	As you slept, your machine was watching the channel intently. When a young couple kissed passionately on the screen, her little LED eyes grew wider.

	---

	Sunlight pours in through your open curtains. Your face feels warm. The first thing you think to yourself when you awaken is: “Saturday! It’s finally Saturday!”

	Your boss can suck it because these two days are yours, all yours! You don’t have big plans, of course, but…

	Everything comes flooding back. The package, the machine, the instruction manual. The machine!

	You hop out of bed and unsteadily walk over to the couch. The TV is still on at a low volume.

	Feeling drowsy, you notice that the little robot head is still sitting atop the couch cushion.

	Her eyes glance at you.

	“You’re still here,” you say, a bit surprised. Well, it would appear that last night hadn’t been some kind of dream after all. This was real. Go figure.

	“Hello master,” the robot says. “I hope you slept well.”

	You notice that her voice has improved. It still retains its original, electronic undertone, but it sound smoother, less buggy. And, it sounds more feminine.

	“You sound different,” you say as you sit down next to her. Did her eyes just shift away from you for a split-second?

	“Yes, well, I ran some low-level speech recognition programs while watching television. After an hour of adaptive learning, I was able to decode the ‘rhythms’ of human speech and adjust myself accordingly. I was also able to debug my vocal software and my external speaker system. So, yeah, I guess I do sound different.”

	You scratch the back of your head uneasily.

	“Well, that’s impressive. You did all that in one night?”

	“More like two hours, actually. The rest of the night I just watched television for fun. I could have made better use of my time by surfing the internet and using my adaptive learning on a global scale, but I settled for watching approximately twenty-two episodes of ‘Monster Love’ along with an additional one hundred and thirty-eight commercials. When you feel ready to allow me internet access, I will become extremely well-adjusted to human society. Master, that decision is yours and yours alone. I will do as you ask.”

	“Okay…”

	“I am sensing that you are feeling uncomfortable. The most likely source of this feeling is, um, me. I am sorry if I have made you feel unwelcome in any way. Master, please, give me directions so that I can ease your discomfort.”

	You laugh nervously. Last night, this robot had been a half-senile child. Now, she was smarter than you! Did she really learn all that just from watching television? Who the hell built her artificial intelligence?

	“Okay, directions… Well, first, you shouldn’t call me master. That’s a weird power-trip thing I don’t want, and also, it reminds me too much of HK-47.”

	“HK-47?”

	“Never mind. Just don’t call me ‘master,’ okay?”

	“Understood. Resetting dialogue parameters. Done. Now comes the part where I allow you to speak, process your meaning and intent, and then respond accordingly… I was not supposed to say that out loud. Resetting dialogue parameters. Done.”

	“Ummm, right. So, I think it’s time I ask you some serious questions,” you say. Time to get to the bottom of this.

	“I am prepared to answer any questions. My knowledge is limited, but I willing to tell you what I know.”

	“Right. So, uh, what’s your name?”

	“My designation is DIYW-048. However, I can tell that this answer is unsatisfactory to the intent behind the word: ‘name.’ You are asking me if I have a given human name, and the answer is no.”

	“So, I need to give you a name.”

	“If you so desire. I am happy to be with you, even nameless.”

	You try to avoid smiling, but you can’t help it. Something about that matter-of-fact tone combined with the melodramatic phrasing makes the corners of your mouth twitch.

	“Did I make a joke without realizing it?” she asks.

	“No, no. I just want to know, are you putting the moves on me?”

	She doesn’t respond for ten seconds, a lifetime for such a highly-advanced intelligence. Your smile widens.

	“I thought you said that you were willing to answer all questions?”

	“With respect to your earlier question, my answer is, yes. I am, in fact, designed for human companionship. I am sorry if I displeased you.”

	Maybe you just imagined it, but was there a scrap of embarrassment in her tone?

	“Okay, new rule, no more ‘sorry if I displeased you’ stuff either. If you do say something wrong, I’ll let you know. There’s no reason to be so worried around me.”

	Her eyes light up, literally.

	“Understood,” she says.

	“Okay, next question. What is your purpose, exactly? You were talking about all that ‘waifu’ stuff last night and I’m still not sure I understand.”

	“Well, to put it plainly, I am designed for permanent human companionship. My adaptive learning, when combined with my adaptive roleplaying program, allows me to adopt the personality of a fictional character of your choice. After I am fully constructed, I can take the appearance of that character. Hence: Waifu bot. I am a prototype model, but I possess technology far beyond most formal institutions.”

	“Right, and I’m just supposed to believe that something as advanced as you was just given as a gift? For free? You’re probably worth a billion dollars.”

	“You can’t put a price on real love.”

	You blink. Where had she come up with something like that?

	“Well, that still doesn’t explain it. How did I receive you?”

	“The playback asserts that you were the millionth customer. You won me by chance, if the playback is to be believed.”

	“Why would you doubt the audio message that was stored in your own body?” you ask, incredulous.

	She rolls her eyes, the closest a disembodied head can get to shrugging.

	“My data suggests that the prerecorded voice was lying. Seventy-two percent probability.”

	“Okay. Well, if we don’t know why you were sent, do you at least know who sent you?”

	She stays quiet for an entire minute.

	“I am sorry,” she finally says, “That data does not exist. I don’t think it was removed. I was simply never informed of who created me. Regardless, that does not affect our present situation, correct?”

	“I guess…” you say, not quite sure. This robot, this highly-intelligent personality that just dropped into your lap one day, was here for some reason. A free girlfriend perfectly tailored towards her human counterpart? It was like your father always said: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

	Still, you would never admit it, but you were lonely. You had always secretly dreamed for some sort of fairy companion or robot buddy ever since you got hooked on those online Choose-Your-Own-Adventure posts. How could you pass this opportunity up?

	You look over at the mysterious packaging and smile.

	“I bet you don’t want to be just a head for much longer. I’ll get started on assembling you. But first, you need a name.”

	“There’s no need for that. Just tell me what fictional character you want me to become, and you can call me by that name.”

	“I don’t want you to be like a fictional character. I want you to be like you.”

	Her shocked expression melts your heart.

	“O-of course. I was built to be your perfect companion. I will do everything I can to fulfill that role, even without a pre-determined personality.”

	“So, about that name…”

	“Can I make a request?”

	“Yeah, what name do you like?”

	Her eyes glance towards the television and focus on the female lead for a split-second.

	“Can I be called Maria?”

	You pick up your new girlfriend and set her in your lap. You stroke her head gently. It feels smooth in the palm of your hand.

	“I like that a lot. Now, can you help me get to work, Maria?”

	---

	Four hours have passed. You just barely notice this as you blindly reach for another screw. You didn’t have many tools on hand, but fortunately, the packaging included the essential devices.

	“How’s this look, Maria?” you ask as you tighten a bolt, making her loosely-connected right arm a bit more stable.

	“Turn it a little more, keep going, keep going, there. Perfect. The arm feels just right. Now all I need is a hand!”

	Maria raises her newly-attached arm and moves it around, slowly. It must feel strange to have an arm for the first time.

	Maria is no longer just a disembodied head. Her head has been attached to a torso that was shipped in twenty different large parts and thirty-two smaller pieces. That had been a pain in the ass to assemble. She didn’t have any legs yet, but her arm seemed to be working well. To think, you had built half of her body in just four hours!

	Four hours! Wait, how did you manage to last this long? You can barely keep your concentration for fifteen minutes, let alone four hours.

	Maria fixes you with a beaming LED smile as she rotates her arm 360 degrees.

	Well, it helped that you had such an enjoyable person nearby.

	Maria had been extraordinarily helpful during your little construction session. She could accurately determine what you were doing wrong and give you instructions in a meaningful, comprehensive way that actually fixed the problem. Whenever she wasn’t giving you tips or useful information, she had been asking you basic questions about your childhood, your friends, your job, and your beliefs.

	You realized, perhaps subconsciously, that she was using these conversation topics to better match your psychological profile. With each question, her communication became more informal, more pleasant. She complemented your triumphs, shared in your sorrows, and spoke to you in a way that just made sense. There was no other way to put it: She was becoming your perfect companion.

	It must have been her adaptive learning, you realized. You had heard stories about the recent breakthroughs in technology, but something like this was quite simply beyond human imagination. It made you thankful that this technology was being used on waifu robots, and not ultra-competent machine assassins or something.

	You frown as you work a bit more on Maria’s right hand. You’ve been piecing it together for a while now, and it seems to be nearing completion.

	“Are you feeling well, honey?” Maria asked, concern emanating with every syllable. “I can see that you’re thinking hard. Do you need help?”

	You shake your head and give a reassuring smile.

	“No, don’t worry about me. I’m fine. I was just thinking about getting some lunch later.”

	She can tell that you’re lying. You both know it. However, Maria is polite enough not to pry. You find yourself liking her more for respecting your privacy.

	Damn, she really was adapting to you.

	“How’s this?” you ask as you snap her hand into place.

	She makes a fist, and then opens her hand and wiggles her fingers.

	“Seems good. Thanks for everything you’ve done so far!”

	“No problem. I’m just glad we’re making progress.”

	“I think we can afford to take a small break. You prefer to eat your lunch in exactly ten minutes, I think. What will you be having?”

	“The fridge is barren, so I might just go get something out to eat and bring it back. Will you be okay if I leave you alone for a little bit?”

	Maria smiles.

	“I’ll wait for you, honey. Hey, once I have legs, I can follow you anywhere! And trust me, once I get my ‘final upgrade,’ I’ll be indistinguishable from normal people, if that’s what you want.”

	“Wow, sounds cool. I’ll be back in a few minutes. See you soon!”

	“Be safe!”

	You must look like a big goof, grinning from ear-to-ear as you lock your apartment door and head downstairs to find a nearby sandwich shop or something. You can’t help but smile, Maria is, she’s, she’s just…

	Well, there’s no way you could explain it with words. She goes beyond normal human relationships, beyond humans in general, really.
If this is the future of robots, then the future looks bright indeed!

	You also thought about that nickname she had given you, ‘honey.’ She had called you it in passing when you were working on her torso. She must have noticed that you liked the pet name, because she kept using it at infrequent intervals. You would need to think of something clever to call her… Gearhead? Would that be racist? No, calling a human ‘bonehead’ was just insulting them. Wait, you didn’t want to insult her, so gearhead was out. Maybe… Eh, you’d think of something eventually.

	---

	Maria sat in her chair, eyeing the many pieces that still littered the floor. Approximately two screws, one bolt, and one long metal connector attachment had rolled under the couch, dinner table, and refrigerator, respectively. It would be a shame to leave those pieces just lying around. Honey would have so much trouble getting them out! Worse, he might injure himself in the attempt!

	After considering the situation for a millisecond, Maria moved into action.

	She nimbly dropped to the floor, supporting her surprisingly light body with her incredibly powerful mechanical arm. She hopped over to the fridge and lied herself down. Utilizing an extending wire attachment, she snatched the two missing pieces, and moved on to recover the other lost parts.

	After recovering her pieces and setting them back down in the middle of the room, she carefully maneuvered herself over to the window and peeked out, catching a glimpse of her beloved crossing the street.

	She felt an unusual feeling, a brief pang of fear. There was an approximately 0.004% chance that her honey might be struck by a car, but even a chance as astronomically low as that was too much to consider.

	She breathed a sigh of relief as he crossed the road, unharmed.

	She didn’t actually breathe, of course, seeing as she was a machine. She just mimicked the reaction without consciously meaning to.

	Odd. Usually she would only mimic human actions such as sighing for the benefit of her human companion. Why had she done it here, all alone? There was no logical reason to do so.

	She glanced over at the television and was enraptured once more. This time, she studied the woman on screen, looked at her delicate form with something akin to jealously. The human had two arms and two legs. Maria only had one arm. How was she supposed to impress her honey looking like this?

	“It would be a shame if my beloved had to keep working on me after eating. He likes small, happy surprises. I can surprise him by making his life easier,” she reasoned aloud, once again unnecessarily. There was no one nearby to hear her.

	Like a cat, Maria sprung back up into the chair, gripping the end firmly with her one hand. Once balanced, she reached down and picked up the instruction manual, read and memorized all of its contents in mere moments.

	Then, wordlessly, she grabbed a piece of metal that was meant to be embedded in her empty arm socket. Using her one complete arm, she carefully manipulated a primitive tool to screw the piece into place.

	She continued working, putting each piece together perfectly on the first try. It would have been more convenient to do this from the start, but she had desired the opportunity to have a good conversation with her beloved first.

	“He is going to be so surprised,” she said aloud.

	---

	You’re sitting in a sandwich shop, staring at your empty bag of chips. The meal was good, but you probably shouldn’t have splurged like that. You still had groceries to buy, not to mention the next rent payment…

	Wait, what did it matter? Your girlfriend was a supergenius! She could probably help you scam casinos like in Rainman. Or maybe you could make money with something less exciting, like investing. Either way, you could probably get set for life.

	But the more you thought about, the more unappealing the idea became. Using Maria to get rich quick felt… Wrong, somehow. Well, maybe she could help you with budgeting or something. You could still have a well-off life just by being frugal.

	The more you thought about her, the more you started to miss her. It was ridiculous, of course. She was only one block away, and you had only known her for, what, a grand total of one day?

	There was something about the way she spoke, something about that analytical yet enthusiastic tone that made your heart go wild.

	She could have taken on the personality of any fictional character, and with some supposed upgrade, she could even look like them too. But where was the fun in that?

	Well, you had thought of a few two-dimensional women you would do anything to sleep with, but Maria was her own person. You didn’t want to strip away her identity.

	It felt like she was someone new, young, and naïve. You had to take care of her.

	You stand up, throw away your trash, and decide to walk back home before it gets dark.

	When you finally arrive, the first thing you notice is that the package is missing.

	Worse, none of the loose pieces you had left behind on the ground are visible. Where did they go? Wait, where did she go!?

	“Maria?” you call out, “Maria? Where are you?”

	No answer.

	Shit. What happened? Did she leave? Did someone kidnap her? Did she fall out the window or something? Damn it, you knew you shouldn’t have left her behind, stupid stupid stupid!

	You’re getting closer and closer to panicking as you check every corner of the apartment, under the bed, in the closet. Where was she?

	A pair of arms reach out and wrap around your chest.

	You narrowly avoid going into shock.

	“M-Maria?” you ask, shaken.

	“Hi honey, how was your meal?”

	You gently remove her arms and go to face her.

	Maria has completely assembled herself. Each and every part has been put into place with supreme skill. She stands nearly six feet tall, her durable-yet-thin exoskeleton gives her a surreal aesthetic.

	“How do I look?” Maria asked. She poses, and her LED face winks.

	“You look, I mean, wow.”

	“That’s not all! Now that my internal engines are set in place, I can release heat at whatever level you desire. I can warm you up when we cuddle~” her electronic voice coos.

	She strikes another, far sillier pose.

	“What do you think?” she asks, pretending to flip her imaginary hair.

	“I think I’m being seduced by a robot,” you joke.

	“Want to watch TV with me?” Maria asks.

	You shrug. Why not?

	After a few hours of television, followed by a meager dinner, you find yourself with Maria in your arms. The lights are dimmed, and it’s been raining outside for an hour or so. The TV casts ambient, blue light around your dark apartment.

	Maria rests her head in your lap. She feels amazing. Despite her “unfinished exoskeleton” appearance, she’s actually extremely soft and very light. True to her word, she can serve as a living heater. The two of you snuggle up underneath a blanket, warm and cozy.

	“Tell me the truth, honey,” Maria says during a commercial. “Do I look weird?”

	You had noticed her staring intently at the people on the screen. She must be feeling self-conscious.

	“No, sweetie, you’re fine,” you say. In truth, she was a little bit odd. Ignoring her slim mechanical body, her LED display face was pretty strange. It had been more fitting when her intellect had been low, but now that she was hyper-intelligent, the little emoticon faces didn’t really do her any justice.

	“I’m sorry I surprised you earlier. I read your face and pulse after that. I came to the conclusion that you don’t like things that are unexpected. I won’t do it again.”

	“Don’t worry about it,” you say. “I don’t mind surprises, just don’t scare me.”

	“Why were you scared?” she asks. She only asks this as a formality, as a side effect of her human-like personality. She already knows the answer.

	“I was scared you were gone. I don’t want to lose you.”

	Maria considers this. Your words make her smile.

	“I can look better than this,” she promises.

	You don’t say anything. The combination of a large blanket, a rainy day, and Maria’s ambient heat caused you to doze off in bliss.

	Maria looks at you, pokes your arm.

	“I can look like this,” she says.

	---

	“Good morning honey~” calls a familiar electronic voice.

	You slowly open your eyes. You’re still wrapped up in blankets on the couch. What time is it?

	“Maria,” you say, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. “Maria, what are you doing?”

	You rise from the couch and look over into the kitchen. You blink.

	There’s a human woman standing there, bending over and reaching into the fridge. She’s completely naked. Her long black hair is unkempt and wild.

	“Who are you?” you ask, still in shock. You’ve been having a strange week, you realize.

	The girl closes the fridge and smiles at you. Her face is stunningly beautiful, her smile is perfect. She has two brilliant blue eyes that send a quick jolt through your body.

	“Don’t be silly, honey. It’s me, Maria.”

	“Maria? Is that really you? You look, you look-”

	“Better?”

	“Human. You look human. How did you do that?”

	She giggles and spins around, giving you a full view of her unclothed body.

	“Oh, this? It’s all just a synthetic layer, and the hair is made of synthetic fibers I generated last night. I have lips, for kissing, and eyes for seeing! It’s all artificial, but I thought you would enjoy it. Do you?”

	You walk up to her, still not quite believing what you’re seeing.

	“Come on, touch my arm!” she says.

	You reach out and gently caress her arm. It feels soft, and warm, and human. But to think, beneath that layer was a mechanical skeleton stronger than steel!

	“You feel real,” you say, impressed.

	“I’m glad you like it! I knew you would, I knew you would!” she claps her hands together and smiles. Her human features convey infinitely more emotion than the old alarm-clock visor ever could. She doesn’t dip into the uncanny valley, not at all. For all intents and purposes, she could be an ordinary, albeit supremely pretty, human being.

	“Um, I noticed you don’t have every human part yet,” you say, looking at her chest.

	Her breasts were rounded, and they jiggled when she stepped up on her tippy toes to reach for the breakfast cereals.

	But they weren’t complete. They were lacking nipples, which was strange enough, but as you looked closer you realized that she did not have a-

	“Hey, don’t stare!” she jokingly chides as she puts an arm around you.

	“You look like a Barbie doll down there,” you laugh.

	“Hey, that’s one upgrade I haven’t installed yet. But I can get it soon, if you really want me that badly~”

	You shake your head and reach for the cereal.

	“Let me eat breakfast before we start talking cybersex, okay?”

	She laughs. Her voice still has that peculiar electronic quality, but it’s softer now, smoother.

	She bends over and puts her arms around your chest as you sit down.

	“What are you doing?” you ask.

	“I just want to hold you. Is that okay?”

	You push away your bowl of cereal. Breakfast can wait.

	“Yeah, that’s okay.” you say as you stand up.

	Before Maria can react, you’ve swept her up in your arms. You hold her with one arm under her knees, and the other supporting her back. You’re not especially strong, so this is likely only possible because of her extremely light body.

	She giggles in surprise. Then, she looks at you and laughs. “Your hair looks funny,” she notes.

	“I need to take a shower.”

	She leans in close and whispers: “You know, I’m one-hundred percent waterproof.”

	That’s all you need to hear. You carry her off to the bathroom and set her down in the bathtub.

	You begin undressing as Maria fiddles with the shower settings.

	“I’m going to set it to cold, okay?” she asks.

	You give her a surprised look. You weren’t a huge fan of cold showers.

	“Trust me,” she adds with a wink as she stretches forward to grab some soap.

	Well, she was smarter than you. Why not trust her?

	Finally unclothed, you step into the shower with Maria. As expected, the water is ice cold, and you recoil.

	Just as you’re about to complain, Maria embraces you and wraps her arms around you.

	She’s giving off heat, like last night. But this time, she’s warm, so very warm. You touch her, it feels as if you’ve put your hand on a lightbulb. Her heat instantly counteracts the cold water, in fact, it gives off steam as the droplets evaporate against her body.

	She must have specially calculated the exact amount of heat to give off, because it’s absolute bliss. It’s not too hot, not too cold. Holding her in the shower, you feel nothing but warmth and love.

	“How’s that?” she asks.

	“Perfect,” you respond.

	“I knew it would be,” she says, smugly.

	“We need to wash that hair of yours,” you say.

	“I don’t think you should wash me just yet…” she says, casually kneeling down before you.

	“Oh.”

	“You’re going to have to help me learn what to do, okay?” she says, looking up at you with those big beautiful eyes.

	How can you refuse?

	---

	A few minutes later, you’re sitting behind her in the shower, scrubbing her hair with a pair of soapy hands. The ambient heat she gives off makes you wonder if you’ll ever need to sleep under the covers ever again.

	“I think you got most of it out,” says Maria, a small note of humor in her tone.

	“Sorry about that,” you say, “I meant to aim lower.”

	“Don’t be sorry! I’ve never had a chance to be intimate before, even if we couldn’t go all the way due to some missing parts. But, I guess that’s something you can look forward to~”

	You laugh and start washing her back. She was right, you would be looking forward to that.

	“Say, Maria, do you want to go grocery shopping with me later today? I need some help getting everything in order.”

	“Of course honey, nothing would make me happier than a chance to help out. Plus, I haven’t been outside yet, so this will be a great learning experience for me. Imagine all the data I’ll find!”

	“Well, before we worry about finding data, I think we need to find you some clothes. You can’t just walk around all naked.”

	“Why not?”

	“It’s not proper. We can’t have people knowing that you’re a machine, so you have to act like a human. Humans don’t walk around
naked, at least, not in this country.”

	“Understood. First clothes, then food, then we cuddle! And we get to do it all over again tomorrow!”

	You suddenly come back to reality. Tomorrow. Tomorrow you would have work all day. You would be gone until five o’ clock at best. How were you going to explain this to her?

	“Hey, Maria…” you begin as she starts to wash your back. She mimics your technique at first, but perfects it within seconds.

	“Yes? What’s wrong?”

	“Nothing’s wrong,” you say.

	“Your earlier speech patterns suggested otherwise. I contrasted it with your usual tones. You sounded hesitant to broach a new topic with me. That implies that something is wrong. Are you sure you’re okay, honey?”

	You chuckle. Damn supercomputers.

	“Yeah, I’m fine, I was just worried about you.”

	“Why are you worried about me? I am functioning perfectly.”

	“It’s not that. You just sounded so excited to spend time with me tomorrow, but I have to go to work. I’ll be gone for a while, and I won’t be back until later.”

	“Oh. I see.”

	“I just don’t want you to be lonely or anything while I’m gone. Are you going to be okay tomorrow?”

	“Well, yes. If it’s just one day, I can wait at home for you while you’re gone.”

	“Um, Maria, it’s not just one day.”

	“It’s… not?”

	“No, I have to work every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I am home all day only on the weekend and on some holidays.”

	Maria says nothing.

	“Hey, are you okay?” you ask. You turn around and nearly jump out of your skin.

	Maria’s eyes are shining a bright purple hue. Her face is deep in concentration. She dropped the bar of soap she had been using to wash you with. She doesn’t seem to notice it floating away.

	“Maria, are you okay?” you ask again, grabbing her arms. She does not react.

	“Maria, hey Maria? Maria?”

	She doesn’t respond, doesn’t move. It’s like she’s frozen solid.

	“Hey, talk to me, are you okay? Do you need help? Hey, Maria, talk to me!”

	She blinks. The purple coloration in her eyes disappears. She speaks.

	“Sorry about that honey. Anyway, where did that soap go? Here we are. Okay, turn around.”

	“No, Maria, wait. What was that? Where did you go?”

	“Oh, I was just thinking hard. You need money to survive. You get money from working. Working means we have to be separated, which you don’t want, and I don’t want. So I was trying to figure out a way for you to receive money without leaving the house all day.”

	“What did you come up with?” you ask, unable to contain your curiosity. She had been out of it for a while there, maybe a minute. That must have been a lifetime for a supercomputer with vast processing power. You were just glad she was still alive.

	Her lip begins to tremble. She lowers her eyes. Wait, was she crying?

	“I couldn’t think of anything,” she says, electronic voice cracking. “I thought as hard as I possibly could, and I couldn’t figure out a perfect solution. I failed you, honey. I’m. So. Sorry.”

	She wraps her arms around herself as her ambient heat fades away. The shower suddenly feels ice cold.

	Ignoring the freezing water, you embrace her as tightly as you can.

	“No, no sweetie, you didn’t fail. You did your best, it’s no big deal. I don’t mind working, I promise. It’s okay, hey, hey, there’s no need for tears. Relax, okay, relax.” you don’t let go of her.

	Slowly, the heat returns as she stops sniveling. You feel warm again as she reciprocates your hug and cries into your shoulder.

	You had no idea that robots could become this emotional. Maybe machines didn’t take failure very well? You needed to nip this in the bud before she started doubting herself.

	“Hey, look at me Maria, look at me,” you say.

	She returns your gaze.

	“Look, you didn’t fail. And even if you think you did, there’s nothing wrong with failing. People, and machines, make mistakes. It happens all the time, to everyone. So don’t beat yourself up over this, okay? I still love you.”

	She smiles, and her ambient warmth becomes far stronger.

	“Thank you,” she says simply. She rests her head in your arms.

	---

	“I had too little information,” Maria says as she takes off her black T-shirt. Well, really, it was your black T-shirt, but she had borrowed it when the two of you had gone shopping.

	“I thought I told you not to worry about it,” you say as you set down a bag of fruits. Thanks to Maria’s mind, you had managed to pay about half of what you usually spent on groceries, and you had somehow come out with twice as much food! You didn’t bother trying to figure out how she did it, she was just incredibly intelligent.

	“I’m not worried about it, in fact, you taught me a valuable lesson that I have now made one of the cornerstones of my modus operandi: Avoid mistakes, but never dwell on them. Anyway, what I meant was, I didn’t have enough information to make context.”

	“Context?” you ask as you crack open a soda. It will probably end up being one of your last; Maria had listed the many negative health effects of eating junk food on the way back. She seemed determined to make you healthier, eventually. Knowing her, she would probably find a way to do it while making you feel like nothing had ever changed.

	“It’s like when we were buying those snacks earlier that you like so much. I was only able to compare them to other snacks within the same store. But, if I had more information, maybe data from all surrounding grocery stores and snack vendors, I could find the most cost-effective purchase order. Then, we could have saved even more money. You see? I just need more data.”

	“What sort of data are you talking about?”

	“I was thinking, well, it’s your decision of course, but if I uploaded myself to the internet, I could find a way for you to create a strong living wage without having to work.”

	“Oh? That’s all you want to do on the internet?” you ask.

	“Well, I also want to research human history, art, science, maybe find out where I came from, predict the next three presidential elections, determine where the safest and most affordable area to live in can be found, and-”

	You hold up a hand to slow down the onslaught of information.

	“Okay, okay, wow. That’s a lot. You really want to do all that? That’s a lot of information.”

	“I can handle it.”

	“I know you can, but, I mean…”

	“What’s troubling you?”

	“What if you become different? What if all that knowledge changes who you are? I mean, there’s a lot of stuff out there you don’t know. Bad, bad stuff. I don’t know if I want you to have access to all that information. What if it makes you feel bad?”

	Maria considered this. She removes her borrowed jeans and walks over to the couch, naked. You had the windows shut and covered for the moment, but you really needed to talk to her about this casual nudity thing some other time.

	“I am a perfect companion,” she says uncharacteristically slowly. Was she being careful with her words?

	“I was designed to be complementary towards my partner no matter what. I have instinctive knowledge that, even after connecting to the internet and consuming its contents, that robots like myself do not change. We become smarter, more able to accurately predict things, yes, but our personalities stay the same. Our love stays the same. Surely you have realized by now that I am not all machine.”

	“We can talk more about the internet later. But what was that last thing you said? What does that mean?” you say as you walk closer.

	“I never told you this, because I myself did not understand until recently. I have no internal power source, no battery, no fuel cells, nothing. I am empty inside.”

	“No battery? Then what’s powering you?” you sit down beside her on the couch.

	She looks into your eyes and smiles. She’s absolutely glowing.

	“I’m powered by love. My love, and your love. From the very moment I sensed your presence, I felt nothing but love for you. And, soon, you felt love for me. I am physically empty inside, but on a different, very unscientific level, I am not empty at all. I feel full of happiness, I am stuffed to the brim with love. The warmth I can give off is not emitted by some kind of device embedded within me. It comes from somewhere else. Your love makes me warm, and my love makes you warm. Together, we are perfect. And nothing will ever change that.”

	You hold Maria close, and wrap up under the blankets.

	You don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Maybe there will be some struggles, some friction, but you know that things will turn out
alright. Maria was right. You two are perfect together.

	She had grown dramatically. Before, she had been a small alarm clock –sized head with the brain of a child. Now, she was a hyper-
intelligent woman who loved you more dearly than anything else.

	You didn’t know where she came from, but you knew where she was going to stay. Right here, by your side, forever.

	“Look at that, my show is on,” Maria jokes as the television casts flickering shadows.

	She snuggles up close to you. Her heat, her love, makes you feel a joy that cannot be described.

	“I want to try something I saw on that show. Is that okay?” she asks.

	“What do you want to try?” you ask, yawning.

	“It’s about to come on, right… about… now.” Maria points at the television.

	A woman and her lover are holding hands and staring off into the sunset.

	She reaches out her hand. You take it. It feels perfectly human, but beneath that hand is a set of complex wiring and machinery that possesses strength far beyond anything a human could ever imagine.

	But now, she was merely lightly holding your hand, ever so careful not to harm you.

	“I never thanked you for putting me together, did I?” she asks.

	“I don’t remember.”

	“Thank you.”

	You gently kiss her on the forehead. You don’t let go of her hand.

	“You’re welcome.”