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Jan 25th, 2016
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  1. Creeping Pastor
  3. =======
  5. On a night when there is a new moon, get into your car and start driving out of the city. Take back roads. Get yourself lost on dirt paths. Watch the clock—when it strikes 1:11 AM, you may now try to find your way back to civilization. If the night is right, you'll come upon an old, run-down diner or gas station. Stop here.
  6. Go inside. There will be an old man behind the counter, his teeth dripping in a terrible grin. Sit on the third barstool from the right and pick up a menu. Study this menu and do not say a word. Do not make eye contact with the old man. Eventually, after many minutes of silence, he will say "What are you in the mood for, friend?" You must answer "The night holds a secret for us each." If you say anything else, the old man's teeth will rip from his face and strangle you in a silent horror.
  7. If you have done this correctly, he will say "Very well, very well, come on back." If he does not say "very well" twice, it is a trap—do not follow him and instead run as far away from the diner as you can, not turning back to witness the putrefied corpse that will now hunt you for the rest of your days. But if he does say "very well" twice, follow him behind the counter into the kitchen.
  9. The kitchen will be very dark. Stare straight ahead at the old man's back. If you hear the clatter of utensils, try to fight the urge to turn your head towards the sound. Soon, the kitchen will fade and it will be just you and the old man in a pitch-black hallway. You will lose sight of the old man completely, and suddenly a spotlight will shine down onto a little girl's decapitated head, resting on the floor. The head will start to sing a single note, and you must match this note. You have one chance—if you sing the wrong note, the head will grow to enormous size and chew you alive, and you will never die and you'll feel all of it forever.
  11. If you sing the right note, however, the head will burrow into the ground and three doors will appear. Turn counter-clockwise (COUNTER-CLOCKWISE!) eighty-one times with your left arm outstretched. When you stop, the door closest to your left hand will be the wrong door. Do not go through this door—take either one of the other two. It does not matter.
  13. Once you pass through one of the doors, you will feel a strange sensation—look down. You've been transformed into an owl. Fly upwards, out of the broken skylight, until you come upon the tallest tree nearby. It will be very tall. Fly up to it and land only on the sixth branch from the ground. If you land on the wrong branch, the tree will turn into blood and drown you.
  15. But if you found the right branch, sit and wait here for exactly 45 hours with your eyes closed. Do not open your owl eyes until 45 hours have passed, or you will remain trapped as an owl forever, and the corpse from earlier will make it its goal to catch you. Forever.
  17. If 45 hours have passed, open your eyes—you are human again, but your legs have been replaced with great, bloody swords. Walk on your swordpoints on the precarious mountain trail until you reach the summit—here there are two things resting on two executioner's blocks. The old man is also here. One of the things is an infant. The other is a severed torso.
  19. The old man will say "make your selection." Using your sword-legs, you must jump into the air and simultaneously decapitate the baby and stab through the heart of the torso. If you miss the jump, the baby will suddenly be made out of coiled wires, and the wires will wrap around you like snakes, and constrict you like the Twisted Pictures logo at the beginning of the Saw movies. Then you will die forever.
  21. But, if you perform the move right, the old man will smile, and say "Remember that terror is in the black heart of the moon, and horror can burn the sun with its bloodbones." Then the sun will turn black as the night, seeming to suck all the stars from the sky. The old man will now recite a 183-digit number that you only have one chance to remember.
  23. The old man will morph into a safe with a digital keypad. Approach the safe and enter the long number into the keypad. If you make a mistake and the safe begins to hiss, run away on your sword-legs, and maybe the safe won't turn into a bloody bag of pus with tentacles that will try to impale you. If the safe doesn't hiss, or stops hissing, it's safe to start over.
  25. If you enter the number right, the safe will transform back into an old man... but this time, he will have the head of a thousand bloody dogs. If you are lucky, the only pug's head in the superhead will bark and lick you. Do not try to force the pug to lick you, unless you want to be torn apart by a thousand dogs' heads. If the pug licks you, it will wink twice and its eyes will turn into razor blades. Then, suddenly, you will be back in your car, driving on an abandoned road again. Make your way back home and sleep.
  27. If you have performed all of this correctly, then you will be allergic to sunlight and water, and your bones will turn into glass, but you will be able to teleport into any coffin in the world.
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