VillainAnon: The League of Equestrian Villains

Sep 27th, 2013
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  1. VillainAnon: The League of Equestrian Villains
  2. By IceMan
  4. >On an inky, moonless night, a shrouded figure marches through the Everfree Forest to a grey ruin, tearing through the earth like a stony scar.
  5. >As you creak open the wooden door, you find three figures sitting around a circular table.
  6. >Two are equine, and the other is serpent-like
  7. >You lift your shroud off your head.
  8. >You are Anonymous, the lone human in the world of Equestria, and you have gathered these three villainous fools here for one reason, and one reason alone.
  9. “Does anyone here know how to make a good cup of coffee?” you ask as you sit down. “I can barely stay awake for these midnight meetings.”
  10. >“Then maybe you shouldn’t schedule them at this late hour,” King Sombra, the Fallen Emperor of the Crystal Empire, replies.
  11. “Yes, but then we wouldn’t have nearly the mystery and romance of the night to keep us company while we plot the total domination of Equestria.”
  12. >“Yes, because that’s going to happen sometime soon....” Sombra mutters. “We haven’t made any moves in weeks. The last thing we did was raid Princess Luna’s underwear drawer in the event that might turn her to Nightmare Moon, and we all know that didn’t work.”
  13. >“I think I still have scars on my retinas,” Queen Chrysalis, Brood-Mother of the Changelings, says.
  14. >“Who knew that somepony with so many advisors could have such terrible taste in undergarments,” Discord, Lord of Chaos, adds over his book “Ancient Jokes Sure to Rip Your Enemies’ Lungs Out.”
  15. “Oh, hush, you two. You want a good evil activity? Fine!”
  16. >Chrysalis and Sombra both raise their eyebrows.
  17. >Discord barely looks up from his book.
  18. >“Well, what is it?” Chrysalis finally asks.
  19. “Be patient, I’m thinking.”
  20. >A few ideas pop up in your mind.
  21. >Replace all the chickens in Equestria with rubber chickens, and then use the real chickens to build a super-mega chicken – no that won’t work.
  22. >Or, how about making one of the legs on every desk slightly shorter, so that all desks lean to one side.
  23. >Or –
  24. >“If none of you are going to come up with any ideas around here, than perhaps I should be the mastermind of this plot,” Discord states, cutting off your train of thought.
  25. >“I propose that each of us go out and do as many evil deeds as possible. Murders, malice, and all forms of mayhem. We have one week, and whoever wins... Well, whoever wins gets to rule Equestria for one day.”
  26. “And how are you going to do that?” you inquire, angry that Discord stole the idea you were just about to think up. “You were stopped by those six wretched Elements of Harmony just like the rest of us were!”
  27. >“I’m the Lord of Chaos. If I wanted to take over Equestria, I could. Right now. And in over a dozen different ways, one of which involves simply changing the wallpaper on a certain room in the Canterlot Palace. But I don’t want to. It’s no fun. I prefer to just play the game with the Elements and ol’ Celly up in her tower. And if any of you even want a taste of what it’s like owning Equestria for one day, then you’ll have to play my little game.”
  28. >“Remind me why he isn’t the leader of the League?” Sombra asks you.
  29. >You growl at him.
  30. >“For the sake of fair play, I’ll participate as well,” Discord says. “And I’ll also be our judge at the end. Because it was my idea. My game. My rules. If you don’t want to play, then we can go back to making macaroni death machines and trying to make desks shorter.”
  31. “Very well, Discord. The Equestria League of Evil’s activity for Week 14 will be to cause as much evil as possible.”
  32. >“Like we should have been doing all along,” Sombra says.
  33. “The competition begins... now!”
  34. >Your three compatriots disappear in their signature styles: Chrysalis teleports off in a flash of emerald light, Sombra disintegrates into a cloud of black smoke and floats off on the wind, and Discord dashes off with a cloud of confetti, leaving his shadow behind him, which quickly jumps to life and races after him.
  35. >You simply flip up your hood, and exit the fortress.
  37. >You are Queen Chrysalis.
  38. >Shortly after your little meeting with the other villains of Equestria, you returned to your hive deep within the northern reaches of the Everfree Forest, where the trees grew as tall as houses and were covered in thick, hairy moss.
  39. >You consider meeting with those three fools a waste of time, but you feel great... power emanating from Anonymous.
  40. >It is love, your sustenance, but it is not directed towards others.
  41. >It is directed towards you.
  42. >Since the first meeting, you have sensed the pink waves of succulent, disgusting love radiating off of Anonymous, nourishing you like it always has.
  43. >You are helpless before the strength of his infatuation with you.
  44. >And you are revolted by it.
  45. >That tiny, fleshy creature thinks he can possibly woo the great Queen of the Changelings?
  46. >What an absolute fool.
  47. >The others are of course idiots as well.
  48. >Sombra with his mad quest to control the Equestria through the power of the Crystal Heart is clearly mad, but his murderous side leaves you uneasy.
  49. >His experimentations with black magic have warped his mind.
  50. >And Discord... Discord has always been the wild card in the deck.
  51. >His obsession with the silly game he plays with the Princesses of Night and Day and the Elements of Harmony will be his downfall, as, ultimately, he cannot take over Equestria or just plain doesn’t want to.
  52. >Of this quartet, you are clearly the strongest contender for total domination of Equestria.
  53. >You already know who is going to win this contest, as you had already been brewing your latest plan for the last fortnight.
  54. >The guards of your hive snap to attention as you enter into the buzzing green mound.
  55. “Attention, my children! The time has come to execute my latest plot!”
  56. >The buzzing of wings ceases, to be replaced by the raucous stomping of chitin hooves against the plastic-like walls of the hive.
  57. “Tonight, we attack... the First Equestrian National Bank!”
  58. >The hive resounds with a massive roar of hisses, clicks, and more stomping.
  59. >You bear your sharp incisors and assemble the strongest fifty Changeling drones for battle.
  60. >Your legion of black-armored warriors marches to the top of the hive and flies into the night towards Canterlot, spread out just enough so as that the horde does not appear as one mass.
  61. >If the Changeling horde approaches like a great plague of locusts, your whole design will surely collapse.
  62. >As you approach within a mile of Canterlot, your army takes the form of various pegasi to further mask their intentions.
  63. >You land as the dawn rises, with your Changelings now taking the form of the posh, snotty, unsuspecting citizens of the shining capital of Equestria as temporary disguises before slinking back into the shadows.
  64. >From the alleys and sewers of the city, your Changelings strike the workers of the National Bank, replacing them one by one and leaving their hypnotized bodies behind.
  65. >From the crack between a coffee shop and a tailor, you snatch the bank’s president, knock his daylights out and take his form, along with his documents and keys.
  66. >With the staff of the bank replaced, all that is necessary now is to... go to work.
  67. >You march right up the marble steps of the bank, throw open the golden doors, and, standing right before you is –
  68. >A bipedal figure with a white sock stretched over his face shouting at the bank manager.
  70. >“So, sir, do you have a checking account with us?” the manager asks.
  71. >“Uh, checking. I think.”
  72. >“Under what name, sir?”
  73. >“Anonym – Wait a minute! I told you to PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG! ALL OF IT!”
  74. >“I apologize, sir, we have already called the guards. We were merely continuing this transaction as a way of distracting you. Have a nice day!”
  75. >Two burly golden-armored stallions quickly grab the man by the shoulders and force him away from the manager.
  76. >“No! Let me go! I am Anonymous, and I demand a new set of zebra print checks for my wallet, and 500 bits so that I can pay the rent on my house! You cannot deny a paying customer! Argh!”
  77. >The teller soon spots you.
  78. >“Oh, hello President Moneybags! I didn’t know you were coming in today for an inspection.”
  79. “Quite right,” you reply, your voice coming out as the gruff tones of the president rather than the silky, flowing language of your normal voice. “Everything seems to be in order. I will just be on my way to the vault and – ”
  80. >“But sir, you know that there is such high security against Changelings since the last attack. It sure would be a hassle to get down there. The FEB Spellcaster General would have to check you to make sure you are not being impersonated, and you know how painful that is. Lots of poking and prodding and shocking with lightning magic.”
  81. >You stop in your tracks on the way to behind the bank desk.
  82. >You hadn’t found the First Equestrian Bank’s Spellcaster General.
  83. >He wasn’t impersonated yet, and he probably set enchantments around the vaults so that they could only be opened if he was there.
  84. “Perhaps I won’t go to the vaults today, then. I will just go to my office and hope that he comes around.”
  85. >“Also, I’d just like to remind you that because of the... attempted robbery this morning, we are going to be tightening security for today. Just in case that Anonymous fellow was just a massive distraction for some bigger plot by the Changeling queen to impersonate all the bank employees and steal everything in the vaults. But what are the chances of that happening?”
  86. >You laugh nervously.
  87. “Yeah, what are the chances of that? I’ll just head to my office.”
  88. >You gallop up the stairs to the top floor of the bank, fling open the door, enter inside, and slam it shut.
  89. >You’re going to have to think through this plan some more.
  90. >“My Queen – ”
  91. >You jump almost a foot into the air.
  92. >The butler behind you transforms into one of your loyal Drones with a swirl of green energy.
  93. “I’ll have you executed for frightening your Queen! What is it Drone?”
  94. >“N-nothing, your Majesty. Just th-that all the Drones are in position and are ready for orders.”
  95. >You pause to think for a second.
  96. “Yes. Of course. Tell them to be on the lookout for the Head Spellcaster of the bank. I want him captured, but not replaced. We need to interrogate him.”
  97. >The Drone bows to the floor.
  98. >“It will be done, my Queen.”
  99. >He re-transforms into the grey earth pony he was before, and trots off to find his fellow Changelings.
  100. >This isn’t going as planned.
  102. >You are King Sombra, and everything is going exactly as planned.
  103. >You decided that the simplest means of committing the most evil in the shortest period of time would be the slaughter of the innocent.
  104. >You decided to choose the miniscule town of Prancing Springs, in the lawless southwestern border of Equestria.
  105. >As a bit of disguise, you stole one of the colorful wide-brimmed hats with dangling wooden beads and a rough cloth cape, the garb worn by the locals.
  106. >You then murdered the shopkeeper with a heat-vision spell, turning the merchant’s eyeballs into boiling spheres of burning flesh and searing his grey matter.
  107. >All motion in the town seemed to stop as you wandered in: stagecoaches ground to an abrupt halt, women arguing with salesmen suddenly fell silent, and even one crying foal shut his yap like someone had pulled a zipper across it.
  108. >They’re not used to strangers, you muse.
  109. >And what strangers do arrive in this backwater general end up kidnapping, pillaging, and murdering this town.
  110. >The patches of wood on the general stores and saloons attest to the hardship this town has seen.
  111. >It’s a pity.
  112. >Now their hardship will only increase ten-fold.
  113. >You charge a brutal hex that sent lances of black energy ripping through the nearby ponies, turning their bodies to ash.
  114. >You waltz into the center of town, sending sparks of red, black, and green spells everywhere.
  115. >The red spells ignited their hapless targets into blazes of rippling flames.
  116. >The black spells disintegrated whatever they touched, turning even the strongest steel into grey dust.
  117. >And the green spells?
  118. >The green spells were the best of all.
  119. >They turned even the strongest stallions into enraged monsters, loyal only to their King.
  120. >And your orders for them now were to destroy this wretched town, and all of its inhabitants.
  121. >Buildings ignite and burn to the ground, crushing their inhabitants inside them.
  122. >A blast at the water tower sends it crashing to the ground, flooding Main Street.
  123. >Screaming children and women run through the streets, but they could not escape your manic magical attacks.
  124. >One by one, every inhabitant of Prancing Springs was executed in cold blood.
  125. >No mercy was given.
  126. >All were turned into piles of smoking ash, and above them, you, King Sombra, Despot of the Crystal Empire, reign supreme.
  128. >You are Anonymous, trapped in a cold, hard cell in Canterlot.
  129. >You can barely believe how stupid you were back at the bank.
  130. >Of course they caught you.
  131. >You should have worn a black sock over your head instead of a white one.
  132. >And you needed to put a spoon to the cashier’s neck.
  133. >The same spoon you would have used to take out all the guards.
  134. >But, you didn’t have spoon, or a black sock.
  135. >So now you were in a cell.
  136. >And the gigantic black pegasus next door will probably turn you into a condom once shower time comes around.
  137. >Great.
  138. >You’ve tried to steal from the bank before.
  139. >You succeeded once.
  140. >You found a bit on the floor, and put it in your pocket.
  141. >They took it when they arrested you last time.
  142. >You know what’s worse?
  143. >You saw Chrysalis on the way out.
  144. >She was disguised as the mayor, or something.
  145. >Maybe the head of the bank.
  146. >He wasn’t congratulating his guards on capturing you, nor did he assist in or gloat over your arrest.
  147. >So he had to be an imposter.
  148. >Maybe you’ll tell that to the guard once he walks by on rounds again.
  149. >In fact, you think you’ll do that now.
  150. >As much as you don’t want to hurt your precious little butterfly, a competition is still a competition.
  151. “Hey! Guard!”
  152. >“Quiet Prisoner 10642.”
  153. “What if I have some information about another crime that could be committed soon?”
  154. >The guard’s ears perk up, then settle down again.
  155. >“I said quiet.”
  156. “Didn’t you find it a little odd that the bank president, who was at the scene of my arrest, wasn’t participating in my detainment? In fact, you might say he looked a little surprised to see me. Maybe even a bit bemused.”
  157. >The guard walks over.
  158. >“What are you suggesting?”
  159. “I’m not suggesting anything, unless... well, there’s no honor among thieves, kapeesh?”
  160. >“What do you want?”
  161. “I want my immediate and speedy release.”
  162. >The guard laughs, his outburst echoing off the rows upon rows of cells.
  163. >“We’ll see, ‘Mous. We’ll see.”
  164. “It’s Anonymous. Or Anon, if you like. Not ‘Mous.”
  165. >“Whatever. We’ll see.”
  166. >You give an oversized smile in return.
  167. >The guard walks off, presumably to find his superior.
  168. >You get on your knees, pick up your little metal cup, and rattle against the bars.
  169. >Then, a gruff voice rumbles from next door.
  170. >“Hey, ‘Mous.”
  171. “What?”
  172. >“Don’t drop the soap.”
  173. >Images of sausages being made suddenly float into your mind.
  175. >You are King Sombra, standing above the wreckage of a town reduced to nothing but a pile of ash and dust by black magic.
  176. >A legion of faithful soldiers, their eyes glowing burning emerald, stand before you.
  177. >First Prancing Springs, then the rest of Equestria.
  178. >You step onto the railroad line, knowing it undoubtedly leads to the next town, your army following you.
  179. >Faintly, you hear the whistle of an incoming freight train.
  180. >You stop and watch the puffs of steam rise from the bend in the rail line up ahead, where it enters a narrow sandstone canyon.
  181. >The black locomotive steams forward.
  182. >The engineer clearly spots you, and sparks fly from the wheels as he futilely attempts to stop his train.
  183. >You charge a lance of black magic, and launch it.
  184. >It strikes forward, striking the locomotive right in the headlight.
  185. >The engine splits like it had been hit with an artillery shell head-on.
  186. >Steam, piping, wheels, and rails fly everywhere as the iron horse explodes in a shower of searing water and twisted metal.
  187. >The lance continues on, cutting through each freight car like a sword through feather pillows.
  188. >Now, wooden slats, more folded wheels, mutilated cattle, and sliced apples join the carnage.
  189. >You and your zombie army nonchalantly march over the wreckage and onwards into the fading sun.
  191. >You are Anonymous, being walked into the warden’s office, hands manacled with sharp handcuffs made for small hooves, not human wrists.
  192. >“Sit.”
  193. >The guard forces you down into a rickety folding chair in front of the warden’s wooden desk.
  194. >A small brass placard reads “Warden Justice Served.”
  195. >Justice Served spins his chair around and looks you straight in the eye over his bushy white moustache.
  196. >“You criminal scum make me sick. Especially you. You are a parasite on our kind, Anonymous, and for that you will face justice someday.”
  197. >The warden sighs.
  198. >“Today is not that day. I have been informed by Officer Long Arm that you have information for us about the whereabouts of the Changeling Queen. Normally this would be under the purview of the Equestrian Guard, but you seemed to be stating she was doing more petty matters than invading the country. So, Anonymous. Tell me what she is up to.”
  199. >You smile.
  200. “Not yet. Quid pro quo, Warden. The information I could give you will stop one of the largest crimes in Equestrian history. For that, I want... my phone call, per se. Along with my freedom.”
  201. >“What in Tartarus’s name is a phone?”
  202. “Never mind. I need to send a letter. To my beloved. She is quite distressed right now, I assure you. She always gets quite worried when I end up in the slammer. And I don’t want anybody reading it. I promise that it’s only a love letter. Scout’s honor.”
  203. >You raise your hand in what you think is the Boy Scout salute: your right arm extended outwards above your head with your hand parallel to your arm.
  204. >The warden thinks it over for a moment.
  205. >“Fine. You win. You’ll get your letter. You get a day to write it and a day to get a response.”
  206. “And what about my freedom?”
  207. >“Ha! That’s a good one. He he he... we’ll discuss that after you give us the information. Take him back to his cell.”
  208. >Officer Long Arm rips you out of the chair.
  209. >“Move.”
  210. >It’s all falling into place.
  211. >Either Chrysalis will finally declare her love for you, or you will go free.
  212. >Around meal time, the Long Arm drops off a scrap of paper, and ink pot, and a quill.
  213. >And so, you scribble down the most beautiful letter of love ever written:
  214. “Dear Chrysalis,
  215. “You have the best body of any pony I have seen in this country. It is like Swiss cheese, which I like to put on my sandwiches sometimes. I like Swiss cheese. Have you ever had Swiss cheese? Anyway. I really love you Chrysalis. I want to have sex with you, if that will work out. You could transform yourself into a human girl by reading my mind and taking her shape. Then I will hug you and kiss you and put my penis into your vagina. It will be very lovely, and it will feel very good. At least, that is what my dad said. By the way, if you don’t do this, I’m going to tell the guards that you’re going to rob the Equestrian National Bank. And then you’ll be arrested. So you’d better say yes, or otherwise that big guy next to my cell is going to rape you in the butt.”
  216. “Love, Anonymous”
  217. “P.S. If you says yes, you will also have to free me from jail with your Changelings and stuff. xoxoxoxox”
  218. >You’d be very surprised if she said no to such a paragon of perfect prose.
  220. “Oh, by the sun, NO! By Tartarus, NO!”
  221. >You are Queen Chrysalis.
  222. >In essence, you have completely failed in your mission to rob the Equestrian Bank.
  223. >You couldn’t keep the President’s appearance for long, so you were forced to change into a more mundane pony, as had all your Changelings.
  224. >You had hoped you might find the spells needed to unlock the vault, but, wherever they were, they were kept under lock and key.
  225. >You hoped by choosing the most fair and beautiful unicorn at the Bank, one Garden Gazer, that you might woo the Spellmaster into revealing his secrets.
  226. >But it has been to no avail.
  227. >Then, one of your Changelings, disguised as a police officer, came to you with a letter, saying it was from Anonymous.
  228. >And it was the worst letter you ever read.
  229. >You thought you wanted to vomit from how much sick, perverted love wafted off of it.
  230. >You had sensed that Anonymous had the hots for you, but you never guessed he would be this unsubtle.
  231. >Grabbing a scroll, you write in red ink in the largest scrip you could possibly manage:
  233. NO NO---------------------------NO NO--------------NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
  234. NO NO NO------------------------NO NO--------NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
  235. NO NO NO NO---------------------NO NO--------NO NO-------------------------------NO NO
  236. NO NO NO NO NO------------------NO NO--------NO NO-------------------------------NO NO
  237. NO NO NO NO NO NO---------------NO NO--------NO NO-------------------------------NO NO
  238. NO NO----NO NO NO NO------------NO NO--------NO NO-------------------------------NO NO
  239. NO NO---------NO NO NO NO-------NO NO--------NO NO-------------------------------NO NO
  240. NO NO-------------NO NO NO NO---NO NO--------NO NO-------------------------------NO NO
  241. NO NO---------------NO NO NO NO NO NO--------NO NO-------------------------------NO NO
  242. NO NO------------------NO NO NO NO NO--------NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
  243. NO NO---------------------NO NO NO NO--------------NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
  245. >You are Discord, the Lord of Chaos, currently sitting on a plush velvet chair and sipping cup of tea while watching your three colleagues muck about like nimrods.
  246. >Well, the fun has to end at some point, and it might as well be now.
  247. >Sombra has marched an army of the undead across the southwestern plains, burning every town he finds to the ground and leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.
  248. >Anonymous is in jail, and, though he might go free, his chance of causing any significant evil is unlikely.
  249. >And Chrysalis is about to end up in jail, because of her own foolishness of not accepting Anonymous’s overtures.
  250. >So, it looks like a Queen is about to fall, your Knight is in a worthless position, while your Pawn is moving towards the wrong end of the board.
  251. >And the other player is about to get checkmate.
  252. >Might as well flip the board.
  253. >And, so, you snap your fingers.
  254. >Anonymous, about to tell the Warden of Chrysalis’s plot; Sombra, rampaging towards Appleoosa; and Chrysalis, attempting to woo the Equestrian Bank’s Spellmaster one last time, are all sucked back into the castle in the Everfree Forest.
  255. >With another snap, all their damages are reversed, and no guard, soldier, or other innocent has any memory of the past few days’ events.
  256. >Just as you planned.
  257. >Glaring at your bewildered “friends,” you begin a slow clap and shake your head.
  258. “What a sad, sad, sad display. Absolutely terrible. 0/10. Goose eggs. Zilch. Zip. Zero.”
  259. >“What are you talking about, Discord?” Sombra growls. “I killed thousands. Slaughtered millions. Incinerated – ”
  260. “Yes, yes, we all know you killed a lot of people, Somby, but what did you really accomplish? You didn’t leave anyone alive to be terrified of you! You never gained anything by killing all those people! That’s not evil. That’s just lunacy. So, you get nothing. You lose.”
  261. “Chrysalis. I really expected better of you. A massive army of shapeshifting insect ponies and the best thing you can come up with is a bank robbery? You’d have been better off pulling a Sombra on Equestria, but I guess that would have been too noticeable. Weak, weak, weak villainy.”
  262. >You click your long tongue, and turn to face the worst villain of them all.
  263. “Anonymous. What did you do?”
  264. >“I stole candy from a baby.”
  265. “Good.”
  266. >“I punched a lady in the mouth.”
  267. “Also good.”
  268. >“I kicked a puppy.”
  269. “Once again, petty. But good.”
  270. >“And I tried to rob a bank and was put in jail.”
  271. “Bad.”
  272. “Anonymous, you are the saddest excuse for a villain I’ve ever seen. At least Sombra did something that will make my grandmother quake in boots in fear of his reputation, if anyone could tell of it. At least Chrysalis tried to pull off a great scheme, even if she failed. And that’s not all her fault, now is it? She didn’t have all the information.”
  273. “But, you! You, Anonymous, are the most worthless villain ever. All three of us have made mistakes. All three of us have failed on multiple occasions, some on purpose, some not. But you never even got up to bat. Or when you did, you struck four foul balls, if we want to continue that metaphor.”
  274. “But, it doesn’t matter what you did, really. Because I win the contest anyways.”
  275. >“What?!” the three others say, almost in unison.
  276. “I forced you all to commit all these evil deeds. I didn’t even have to do anything. I told you cause as much mayhem and chaos as possible. It was my plan.”
  277. >“You tricked us,” Sombra growls, his horn igniting.
  278. “Oh, hush. Don’t be a sore sport. You wouldn’t have won anyways if I really wanted to commit the crimes myself.”
  279. >Sombra’s horn only glows brighter.
  280. >“Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you?”
  281. “Because you can’t.”
  282. >Discord sticks out his tongue.
  283. “Anyways, I’m not going to give myself rule of Equestria, but I am going to take this. I’m running this League now. And as first action as its new leader... Anonymous, come stand next to me, would you?”
  284. >He nervously shambles up to your side.
  285. “You’re fired,” you whisper in his ear.
  286. >“What?”
  287. >You stick Anonymous in a cannon, whipped out from Hammerspace.
  288. “YOU’RE FIRED!”
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