You Don't Know Paperwork! v2

you don't know paperwork
once we went up north on a patrol
it was a usual patrol, like many others before it, but then a storm came
the locals knew it was coming and hid in their caves and holes
but we were caught up in the open
winds so strong they rooted up the strongest trees
if you took off your glove to take a piss, you lost a hand
first we ate the horses, that was easy
we had nothing to feed them so they died one after another
but then we ran out of horses and the men starting dying
we would have lasted a week on a fat boy like you!
the few of us who survived came back, and then the worst part came
huge amounts of paperwork
how each of the horses died
how each of them tasted
which part was cooked how
how did we make fires
how each of the men died, how they tasted, how we cooked them
all reports sixteen fold, one was sent to each kingdom, one to the king, one to each member of the small council and the queen wanted one herself too
there are rumors about secret copies too