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- >As you lay on the couch looking through your mail, you get to the last envelope.
- >Shit.
- >You're dead broke, and it's time to pay the bills again.
- >Got no job.
- >No one wants to hire the monkey.
- >The only one who cares about you even slightly is this mare named Coco.
- >She moved here a few months ago.
- >Her, and Pinkie Pie.
- >But your relationship with Pinkie Pie is a bit...
- >She bursts through the door with a strapon.
- >"GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS?!"
- >She pounces on you.
- >"HUMP DAY!"
- "PINKIE GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!"
- >You elbow her in the face and she falls onto her back, bouncing up and landing back on her hooves as if she took a bite of the Gum Gum Devil Fruit.
- >"Okie dokie!"
- >She pulls out a notepad and scribbles down on it.
- >"So that's a big no-no to prostate stimulation..."
- >You look at the notepad as she scribbles.
- >She's just drawing a penis.
- >No wait...
- >A penis with a party hat.
- >Fucking Pinkie.
- >A light knock is heard and you look up to see Coco tapping her hoof on the door frame.
- >"Hey... Am I interrupting?"
- >You shake your head.
- "Nah, come on in."
- >She nods and then walks inside.
- "So what's up Coco?"
- >"I just wanted to uh, check up on a friend."
- >She lightly blushes.
- >Pinkie jumps up and down.
- >"Oh! So did I!"
- >She turns around and presents both of you her winking marepussy.
- >Looking back over her shoulder, she asks, "Threesome?"
- >Coco looks away as her face scrunches up and turns bright red.
- >You shake your head.
- "No Pinkie."
- >"Awww..."
- >She slams her fat pink ass down on the pile of mail you dropped.
- >You swat at her.
- "Hey! Get off that!"
- >"Huh?"
- "Get off my mail! You're gonna get it soaking wet in your vile juices!"
- >She stands up and you grab the envelopes.
- >All except for the one to pay your rent.
- >Coco picks that one up.
- >"Anon, you can't miss this bill. If you don't pay this one, you'll be evicted."
- >Shit.
- "Shit."
- >Pinkie gasps.
- >"We can't let you get evicted! Then you'd be homeless!"
- >She grabs your hand with her left hoof and Coco's forleg with her right hoof.
- >"Come on, we've got to talk to somepony about this!"
- >She yanks both of you outside in a mad dash into the city.
- >You yell at her as she increases to near Sanic speeds,
- "PINKIE!"
- >She slows down and looks at you.
- >"What's up Nonny? Oh, you want to have sex with auntie Pinkie? Heheheh, just don't tell uncle Gummy..."
- >Both you and Coco stand there staring at her.
- >She returns the gaze with a confused look on her face.
- >"What?"
- "You are one FUCKED up horse."
- >Coco nods.
- "Anyway, how will we even know where to go?"
- >"I know just where to go!"
- >You're now at a bar.
- "Pinkie, what the fuck are we doing here?"
- >"We're gonna get drunk so we can have dirty drunk sex!"
- >Her smile stretches wide.
- >Coco shakes her head.
- >"I-I'm not much of a d-drinker actually..."
- >Pinkie slides a mug to her.
- >"Come on, try it! It's the best cider in all of Equestria!"
- >You look at Pinkie.
- "Pinkie, she doesn't have to drink if she doesn't want to. It's not like-"
- >The pink demon interrupts you by slamming a mug down in front of you.
- >"I challenge you to a drink off, Anon!"
- >...
- >You stand in the bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror.
- >Got a nice suit on.
- >Looking real fucking sexy.
- >Coco will totally want the D now.
- >You stroll out of the bathroom like a badass.
- >Then walk over to the dance floor.
- >Coco is doing a light shuffle and you stand next to her.
- "Hey beautiful. I've always admired you from afar, but never had the guts to ask you out."
- >She looks disgusted and tells you to get away from her.
- "Heh, alright."
- >You turn around and start dancing with another mare.
- *What actually happened*
- >You stand in the bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror.
- >Got some vomit on your shirt there.
- >Smells fucking disgusting.
- >There's no way you've got a chance with Coco.
- >You stroll out of the bathroom, causing ponies to disperse from you just like you're a disgusting neckbeard.
- >Then walk over to the dance floor.
- >Coco is doing a light shuffle and you stand next to her, nearly falling over from how intoxicated you are.
- "Hey bby... You wan sum fuck?"
- >You vomit on yourself a little bit and then try to wink at her.
- >She looks disgusted and tells you to get away.
- "Y-You too."
- >You shrug and turn around and start dancing with a stool.
- >All three of you leave the bar and look around at each other.
- "Well that didn't help a damn bit."
- >Pinkie raises her hoof.
- >"I have another idea!"
- "If it has to do with hookers and cocaine, I don't want to hear it."
- >She slowly lowers her hoof.
- >Coco clears her throat.
- >"Actually, I have the letter right here."
- >She pulls it out.
- >"Why don't we just go to the address on it?"
- >Both you and Pinkie look at her.
- "That's a great idea."
- >Coco smiles.
- >"Why thank you Anon."
- >Your eyes lock with hers.
- >You smile a little bit.
- >She blushes lightly.
- >Both of you start to lean in toward each other.
- >Suddenly Pinkie's hoof shoots up between both of your faces.
- >She waves her hoof and screams out, "TAXI!"
- >Fucking Pinkie.
- >The taxi carriage comes over and all three of you get in.
- >You tell the driver to take you to the address on the letter and he nods.
- >Now the three of you face each other in the carriage.
- >Pinkie raises her eyebrows at you.
- >"So... Ever tried fisting?"
- "Have you ever tried this cool new thing called shutting the fuck up?"
- >Coco just watches both of you as if this is normal behavior.
- >"Nope! Is that a game? I LOVE games! How did you know I love games? Did you also know that I love you? Did you want to make out?"
- "No, I don't want to make out."
- >"Oh."
- >She rolls her eyes and looks at Coco.
- >"Looks like sooomepony is sending out mixed signals."
- >She giggles to herself and then looks back at you.
- >Coco lightly shakes her head.
- "Pinkie."
- >"Yes?"
- "You are literally too stupid to insult."
- >She smiles and her eyes water.
- >"Awww... That's the nicest thing anypony has ever said about me!"
- >She jumps on you, wrapping her hooves around your body in a bear hug.
- >Why you?
- >The taxi screeches to a halt.
- >Or maybe that screech were the kids he just hit.
- >You all step out and look under the wheels.
- >The three fillies are bloodied and barely moving.
- >One of them whispers something about getting a speedbump cutie mark.
- >As the driver screams over the dying bodies of foals, the three of you walk to the town square building.
- >When you enter, a pony is there at a desk.
- >She speaks without looking up.
- >"What do you want?"
- "To speak with Mayor Mare."
- >She presses a button and the doors to the right open to reveal stairs.
- >"She's right up there."
- "Thanks."
- >The three of you walk up the stairs.
- >Holy shit.
- >It seems like that was the only part of the story that wasn't filled with insane bullshit, stupidity, or breaking the 4th wall...fuck.
- >You enter the Mayor's office and she looks up from the stack of papers on her desk.
- >She fakes a smile and points to the three chairs in front of her.
- >"Come, have a seat."
- >You sit in the middle one, Coco sits to your right, and you force Pinkie to sit to your left instead of on your lap.
- "Alright Mayor Mare. I need to talk to you about my rent."
- >She nods.
- >"Of course, what would you like to say?"
- "I can't afford it when no one in town will hire me."
- >She puts a hoof to her chin.
- >"Hmmm... So I've been billing you when you don't even have an income?"
- >You nod.
- >She smiles.
- >"My deepest apologies Mr..."
- "Anon."
- >"Mr. Anon, I feel as though I should repay you. So how about I give you these three tickets to 'Disharmony on ice' ?"
- >All of you look at each other and back to the three tickets.
- >"Ladies and gentlecolts! Introducing, Disharmony on ice!"
- >A tall pony in a Discord costume skates backwards across the ice rink.
- >Coco is leaning against your arm.
- >Pinkie is trying to do the same with your other one, but you repeatedly punch her in the snout so she can't.
- >You adjust your Discord fanboy hat so that it shows the same side as your Discord shirt.
- "Wait..."
- >Pinkie and Coco look at you.
- "I think that was a bribe!"
- >Coco nods.
- >"Yeah, it was!"
- >All of you stand up and leave the stadium.
- >Bursting through the doors to Mayor Mare's office once again, you slam your ass down on the middle chair.
- "That was a trick!"
- >Coco and Pinkie both nod.
- >Mayor Mare nods as well.
- >"I'm truly sorry for doing that to you. I feel as though I should repay you for bribing you."
- >She holds up three tickets.
- >"Three tickets to the best rooms on the most amazingly luxurious cruise in Equestria, on the Canterlot Zeppelin."
- "Holy fuck, the view from up here is amazing."
- >Coco agrees.
- >"Yeah, it really is."
- >Pinkie nudges you with her hoof.
- >"Isn't this just the same as before?"
- >You pause for a few seconds.
- "Son of a bit-"
- >You kick open the doors to the Mayor Mare's office for a third time.
- "ALRIGHT ENOUGH WITH THE BRIBES. I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING TICKETS."
- >She puts her hooves into the air in defense.
- >"Anonymous, I mean you no harm. Now, what was your claim?"
- "I can't afford to pay the bills you're sending me, and it's not my fault."
- >"Get a job."
- "I CAN'T! THEY WON'T HIRE A MONKEY!"
- >She writes a few things down and nods.
- >"So let me get this straight. You are angry at me because you can't pay your bills, and you want me to change something?"
- "I-I think you're oversimplifying it a bit-"
- >"Get out of my office."
- >You're now sat on the bench outside of your home as a new couple moves in.
- >Pinkie has gone home because the writer can't find another purpose for her.
- >Coco sits next to you with a sad look on her face.
- >"Anon... Should we end this with feels?"
- "No. We've done enough madness for one day."
- >She nods.
- >"Yeah."
- "Yeah."
- >You put your arm around her.
- >She slightly moves away from you.
- >tfw
- And that's the end of the story.
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