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How the Grinch Stole Anime

Harukasan Dec 25th, 2013 373 Never
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  1. How the Grinch Stole Anime - by TheBrett - @kazmadan
  2.  
  3. Every person in the FGC liked Guilty Gear a lot...
  4. But the Grinch, who only played BB, did NOT!
  5.  
  6. The Grinch hated Guilty Gear! The whole GG series.
  7. Now, people don't ask why. No one even has a theory.
  8.  
  9. It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
  10. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
  11.  
  12. But I think that the most likely reason of all,
  13. May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
  14.  
  15. Whatever the reason, he was downright mean.
  16. He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the scene.
  17.  
  18. Staring down from his cave, with a salty frown to match,
  19. At all the poeple waiting for the promised +R patch.
  20.  
  21. For he knew ever person living in the States
  22. Was counting the days they could play with their mates.
  23.  
  24. "And they're watching match vids!" he snarled with a sneer,
  25. "ArcSys promised it's coming, it's the end of the year!"
  26.  
  27. Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
  28. "I MUST find some way to stop this patch from coming!!!"
  29.  
  30. For soon, he knew, all the anime girls and boys,
  31. Would wake bright and early to play with their toys!
  32.  
  33. And then! OH THE NOISE! OH THE NOISE
  34. NOISE!NOISE!NOISE! That's the one thing he hated!
  35. Dead games making NOISE!
  36.  
  37. Then everyone, young and old, would start making a splash.
  38. And they'd mash! And they'd mash! And the'd MASHHHH!!!"
  39.  
  40. MASH!
  41. MASH!
  42. MASH!
  43.  
  44. THey would mash DP, and of course wakeup throw!
  45. Which was something that made the Grinch's salt flow.
  46.  
  47. And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
  48. Every GG player, the tall and the small,
  49.  
  50. They'd talk about how their game is the best.
  51. How their game is the only one, fuck all the rest!
  52.  
  53. They'd preach! And they'd preach! And they'd PREACH!
  54.  
  55. PREACH!
  56. PREACH!
  57. PREACH!
  58.  
  59. And the more the Grinch thought of this GG preaching,
  60. The more the Grinch thought, "I MUST STOP THIS WHOLE THING!"
  61.  
  62. "Why, for over a decade I've put up with it now!"
  63. "I MUST stop the +R patch from coming!
  64.  
  65. ...But HOW!?"
  66.  
  67. Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
  68. THE GRINCH GOT A GODLIKE, HELLA GOOD IDEA!
  69.  
  70. "I know just what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
  71. And he made a quick ArcSystemWorks coat.
  72.  
  73. And he chuckled, and clucked, "I'm so fucking godlike"
  74. "With this hat and this coat, I look like Daisuke, don't I?"
  75.  
  76. "I need to buy a plane ticket..." The Grinch muttered with a croak.
  77. He had pre-ordered BBCP, leaving him broke.
  78.  
  79. Did that stop the old Grinch? No! The Grinch simply said,
  80. "If I don't have any money, I'll win some instead!"
  81.  
  82. He called his buddy, LK, and told him he was FREE.
  83. "Gonna settle for second place again?
  84. ...Or do you wanna money match me?"
  85.  
  86. He lost the first set, LK won without trouble.
  87. "Wanna go again?" the Grinch asked,
  88. "And this time for double?"
  89.  
  90. LK agreed with a smile, "I love making money this way."
  91. Little did LK know,
  92.  
  93. ...
  94. ...
  95. ...
  96.  
  97. The Grinch plays Kokonoe!
  98.  
  99. If you don't beleive the result, don't take it from me.
  100. LK still gets second place, even in 2023.
  101.  
  102. THEN he packed his bags and flew to Japan.
  103. "All according to Keikaku." (Keikaku means plan)
  104.  
  105. He stared down at ASW headquarters, the biggest of frowns.
  106. Towards the homes where the Elevens lay asnooze in the town.
  107.  
  108. All of their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
  109. All the people were dreaming sweet dreams without care.
  110.  
  111. A giant statue of Noel stood guarding the door.
  112. "I love BBCP, but seriously... what a whore."
  113.  
  114. "All the conditions have been cleared," the old Grinch hissed.
  115. And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
  116.  
  117. Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
  118. But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.
  119.  
  120. Out of the chimney, and onto the floor,
  121. He quickly located the main office door.
  122.  
  123. Where all the computers were lines in a row.
  124. "These hard drives," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
  125.  
  126. Then he slithered and slunk with a smile almost obscene.
  127. Around the whole room, and he took everything!
  128.  
  129. He took sprites, backgrounds, all that had been.
  130. He replaced every GG character with Ragna and Jin.
  131.  
  132. In the development section, he saw P4U2.
  133. "I can't wakeup roll in Persona, fuck that game too."
  134.  
  135. Not even GG Xrd went unnoticed - "Game's still too hard."
  136. "And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I'll steal the patch for +R!!!"
  137.  
  138. And the Grinch took the patch, and headed above,
  139. When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
  140.  
  141. He turned around fast, as he was about to climb.
  142. It was an ASW employee working overtime.
  143.  
  144. The Grinch had been caught by a Salaryman.
  145. He had forgotten how popular overtime is in Japan.
  146.  
  147. He stared at the Grinch and said "Daisuke, why,"
  148. "All the files are gone except for BB!? WHY?"
  149.  
  150. But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick,
  151. He though up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
  152.  
  153. "Why my good man," the fake Daisuke said,
  154. "It's the most honest game. And the rest are dead."
  155.  
  156. "So I'm fixing them back at my home office, my friend."
  157. "They don't have comeback mechanics, and that's the trend!"
  158.  
  159. Good games are the ones you can up-back in, like BB."
  160. "Just look at Marvel - it's HUGE - don't you agree?"
  161.  
  162. "Well I can't argue with that," the employee said.
  163. And he sent the man home and off to his bed.
  164.  
  165. He finished his work, and bid his adieu.
  166. With an extra patch to buff Kokonoe no one could undo.
  167.  
  168. Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
  169. On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
  170.  
  171. It was a quarter past dawn... Everyone still a-bed.
  172. All the mods, twitch cops, still asleep when he fled.
  173.  
  174. The data, sprites, gifs, and drawings too.
  175. Three thousasnd feet up! Up the side of Mr. Lelou.
  176.  
  177. He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it.
  178. As the deadline for US +R passed, on top of it.
  179.  
  180. "Stay free, FGC," he was grinchishly humming.
  181. "They're finding out that no patch is coming!"
  182.  
  183. "They're just reading about it. I know just what they'll do!"
  184. "They'll tweet and bitch for a minute or two,
  185. Then they'll start cryng for real, 'Boo Hoo-Fucking-Hoo!'"
  186.  
  187. "That's some shit," grinned the Grinch, "That I simply MUST see."
  188. So he got back on dustloop and twitter to read.
  189.  
  190. And he did; threads and tweets began to flow.
  191. It started in low. Then it started to grow.
  192.  
  193. But the tweets weren't sad! Why, the threads sounded merry!
  194. It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry. VERY!
  195.  
  196. he checked the front page - The Grinch popped his eyes!
  197. Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
  198.  
  199. There was Guilty Gear being played, and ON STREAM, on top of it!
  200. It was Frost Faustings Six, and no one had forgotten it.
  201.  
  202. He HADN'T stopped Guilty Gear from coming! IT CAME!
  203. Somehow or another, people played it just the same!!!
  204.  
  205. And the Grinch, full of salt, couldn't let it go.
  206. He stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
  207.  
  208. "The patch was cancelled, the netplay is nonexistent,
  209. Execution is such a chore they call practicing 'maintenence'!"
  210.  
  211. And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
  212. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
  213.  
  214. "Maybe Guilty Gear," he thought, "doesn't need to be changed."
  215. "Maybe GG players... perhaps... are fine with the same!"
  216.  
  217. "Maybe it doesn't matter if it's new or creates hype."
  218. "Maybe playing Guilty Gear is playing Guilty Gear for life."
  219.  
  220. And what happened then? Well... on Dustlopp they say,
  221. That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
  222.  
  223. And the minute his heart didn't feel so tight,
  224. He immediately purchased an airline flight.
  225.  
  226. He showed up to FF, and brought food for the feast!
  227. And he, HE HIMSELF! The Grinch became a Guilty Gear beast.
  228.  
  229. Merry Christmas, guys.
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