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Pickle Horse-man: ORIGINS 2

statbased
May 29th, 2023 (edited)
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  1. >be me, bonky
  2. >i'm with my pickle horse-man pal, pickle horse-man
  3. >we're in tower theater
  4. >we're watching PICKLE HORSE-MAN : ORIGINS 2
  5. >not to be confused with PICKLE HORSE-MAN : ORIGINS 2 (97)
  6. >or PICKLE HORSE-MAN: ORIGINS 2 (the one set in the meiji era)
  7. >or PICKLE HORSE-MAN: ORIGINS 2 - HARDCORE MODE
  8. >I don't know how to distinguish this pickle horse-man: origins 2 from any of the other pickle horse-man origins
  9. >i guess just check the publication date on this and check what movies were out around that time
  10. >not really a fan of origins story
  11. >and pickle horse-man is not really a fan of movies
  12. >but he loves origins
  13. >and he loves talking and hearing and speculating about himself
  14. >so the greater discomfort involved in movie-watching is either equalized or otherwise disguised
  15. >i feel i know the origins of pickle horse-man pretty well
  16. >he's a guy i know
  17. >with a horse head
  18. >but sacromollywood needs grist for its mill
  19. >whatever!
  20. >the lights go down
  21. >the projector flickers to life
  22. >and we're treated to a soaring emotional scene where pickle horse-man tells his parents he's running away
  23. >pickle horse-man scoffs
  24. >but i think there's some truth to it
  25. >it's not THE truth
  26. >but it points to truthiness
  27. >his parents are a horse and a man
  28. >which pickle horse-man REALLY HATES
  29. >the idea that pickle HORSE-MAN is the product of bestiality really drives the guy bonkers
  30. >but i just don't see any other way for a horse-man to come around
  31. >he pitches his popcorn at the screen
  32. >which other people are doing
  33. >there's a near constant stream of popcorn being chucked at the screen
  34. >it's actually kind of beautiful
  35. >the movies goes on to float the notion that the horse and the man are also sister and brother
  36. >which would make pickle horse-man the product of incestual bestiality
  37. >which kind of wins him back a bit
  38. >at least a little
  39. >he settles down
  40. >so anyways, he runs away from his parents
  41. >which is touching
  42. >it's sad seeing a little horse-headed boy running through a field of rye, crying because his parents don't love him
  43. >then the camera pans out on the rye field
  44. >and there's a cliff at the end of it
  45. >and audiences are so conditioned to expecting a catcher in the rye
  46. >that it's a huge shock to the system when young pickle horse-man falls off the cliff
  47. >and someone shoots him through the head as he's falling
  48. >which is interesting
  49. >it explains how he lost his eye
  50. >but not yet how he gets his iconic eye-patch
  51. >and it explains why he has a hole in the back of his head
  52. >that produces a type of cheese
  53. >or fungus
  54. >we've never tested it
  55. >though pickle horse-man would argue that it only explains the hole
  56. >not the byproduct
  57. >because he's obsessed with origins
  58. >he has all sorts of little pet names for origins
  59. >and he goes as far back in exploring origins as is possible
  60. >he's always scrambling to some point of origin
  61. >climbing frantically over the piles of hereness and nowness
  62. >to reach that little white light
  63. >i don't really care about that stuff
  64. >horses are creatures of action
  65. >and i'm just biding time until the action sequences
  66. >the villain of the month in this origins story
  67. >is Mr. HUNGRY
  68. >and the tagline for the flick was "Mr. Hungry Hungs you with his Hunger"
  69. >which is just so stupid
  70. >just so irredeemably stupid
  71. >it's like the writers couldn't think up anything except they happened to be hungry in the moment they were writing it
  72. >my hooves tighten just thinking about it
  73. >i'm squeezing my hooves so hard a nail shoots out of them and kills someone in the opera-box seating
  74. >nice little origin story for them to investigate
  75. >anyways, the story goes over how pickle horse-man meets his wife, THE BLADE OF TIME
  76. >except in this story it's played by a human woman
  77. >not a blade
  78. >nothing to do with time
  79. >which is a necessary change
  80. >Sacramento audiences just aren't ready for blade-wife
  81. >"i can't believe this shit," pickle horse-man looks defeated
  82. >he looks like when he's enduring one of his half hour shits
  83. >hands holding his cranium
  84. >head between his legs
  85. >anyways, Mr. HUNGRY hatches a plot to marry pickle's wife
  86. >pickle's wife falls for Mr. HUNGRY
  87. >Mr. HUNGRY lies about being pickle's wife's cousin
  88. >he wants to do INCEST
  89. >at least I think that's what's going on
  90. >but pickle's wife is suspicious
  91. >so Mr. HUNGRY stabs pickle's wife
  92. >pickle has a bad trip in the park
  93. >seemingly unrelated to whatever else is going on in the story
  94. >then there's a shot of him waking up in the hospital
  95. >and his wife is in the bed next to him
  96. >and they work through things
  97. >she tells him all about Mr. HUNGRY
  98. >and he tells her he had a meltdown in the park
  99. >because the bathrooms were out of order
  100. >and he didn't want to use any of the nearby bathrooms
  101. >because they were for paying customers only
  102. >and he refused to break that sacred agreement
  103. >even though he disagreed with it vehemently on principle
  104. >pickle and his wife reaffirm their vows in a touching scene where they hold hands across from one another in their hospital beds
  105. >then there's a sex scene
  106. >and we don't watch it
  107. >we look away
  108. >then it's implied PICKLE HORSE-MAN goes INSANE
  109. >and he goes back to the park
  110. >and stabs Mr. HUNGRY
  111. >Mr. HUNGRY happened to be there
  112. >Mr. HUNGRY is arrested
  113. >Mr. HUNGRY looks on as a guy fires his shotgun in the air and runs away
  114. >i think it's implied that that's Mr. HUNGRY's henchman
  115. >but we hadn't seen him before that specific moment
  116. >pickle is seen as he looks around and smiles
  117. >"It's a beautiful day," Pickle says
  118. >Beautiful Day by U2 plays over the credits
  119. >we watch them scroll
  120. >partly because we're waiting for everyone to leave
  121. >because once you stand up after a movie you notice you have to pee
  122. >and it's always awkward going to the bathroom with like eighteen other people
  123. >so we're watching the credits
  124. >and i ask pickle horse-man what he thinks
  125. >and he says there weren't enough origins
  126. >and i say that's true but there was a resolution
  127. >and sometimes the resolution is more important than the origins
  128. >and pickle horse-man slumps down
  129. >and he says that's shit
  130. >that's stupid
  131. >don't talk to me
  132. >and i sigh
  133. >i look around
  134. >there's a dead guy in the theater
  135. >his mouth is open
  136. >he isn't breathing
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