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- Line 5
- >when we hit came to the Beijing
- um
- >who called us over to his table the moment they laid eyes on us.
- "his" and "they" don't work together
- Line 7
- >Molly's takes a sip
- I don't even
- >"He see's me
- No
- Line 9
- >the girl
- The end of line 5 says it's just Hisao, Molly, and a boy
- Line 25
- >'hold on
- You still have to capitalize that
- >a jug,”
- this should have single quotes, not double
- Line 33
- >the second girl
- Aww tits, now there's another girl who magic'd her way in
- >She frowns
- and then she frowns again in line 35
- Line 39
- >sisters
- no
- >rediculous
- no
- Line 43
- >cheecks
- no
- Also the transition would be like 2 lines long. Hisao says he gotta go quick to the bathroom, then he walks over and gets ambushed by Kenji who holds a cloth up to his mouth/nose that isn't chloroform.
- I'll be more content with talking about the use of OCs and pacing and shit later on, but that first part was typo'd to hell and back.
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