Monikingofthehill

Monikingofthehill

The muted, yellowish grass and wood of the world contrasted against the endless blue sky, the cookie cutter houses of subdivisions sold in illicit land deals, the Jesus knickknacks, the shoddy woodgrain, the local truck fauna, this was Texas. This was home. Nothing could beat it anywhere in the world for a suburban dystopia that made everyone feel welcome and at home.

“Anon? Why is it so hot? It was never like this before I crossed over. I thought it was Spring?” your newlywed wife asked. “Dangit Mawnika, its 80 degrees in March because a paradise on Earth has made the devil very jealous, so he makes sure that it’s a perpetual summer to torment the Yankees and the blacks.” Monika thought your explanation disingenuous, but accepted it without complaint.

The stereo continued to play Big iron by Marty Robins while your Ford Grand Tour rolled through the quiet streets of a little town called Arlen. “Wait, wait a minute, Anon! You’ve broken the space time continuum again! What are we doing here in Arlen, we can’t move into King of the Hill! Its immoral to ruin that poor man’s show like thi-“ “Monika, I told you that we needed to move far away enough from my Mom so she wouldn’t be over every single day, this is one way-“

THUNK….wrrrrmmp

“Ladybird!”

“Oh, Christ in his Heaven, we’ve run over Hank’s dog. Hank, I know you are upset. Let us look at this calm- “Hank Hill, Propane and propane accessories Salesman, was visibly distraught. “You’ve killed mah dog! Bobby! Bobby, who had seen the whole thing, tears rolling down his fat cheeks. “Yew get back on inside. You shouldn’t see this.”

Monika has gotten out to look at the poor old dog. “Anon, you uh, killed his dog. Or nearly so. We should really put her out of her misery. Hank, she’s your dog, you’d better do it.” He looked to the two of you, and then to his twitching pet. “I suppose you’re right. I’ll just be getting my hammer. Can’t fire a gun in city limits.” Monika stares daggers at you, and you could only open your palms in defeat. The move in was not going well.

Soon it was done, and the dog was buried with great ceremony in the backyard as all good creatures are. “That’s the end of that. Knew that dog nearly as long as I’ve known muh son. It was her time, and it was enacted by your car. Say, what is that anyway? Don’t look like no car I’ve ever seen.  And how is it that you know my name?”

“Uhhh, you’re the propane man. And my car is a special-order Ford. Yessiree, it’s a one of a kind off the factory floor. 300 horses, 40 miles to the gallon, its made to travel this grand country across and back. Thought id have to, what with what’s happened earlier ‘n all.” Hank Hill looked pensive, but accepted your response. “Seems you are our new neighbors, besides all of our, erm, unpleasantness. I’m Peggy Hill, this is my husband, Hank, and over there crying is my son, Bobby. And we would be happy to invite you into the neighborhood with a barbeque, mrs…”

“Bond. James Bond…. I’m kidding, I am actually Anon Ymous, and this is my wife, Monika. She’s… of some sort of nationality. German, I think, but could just as easily be Serbian. My last name is Greek I believe, but mah family’s been in Fort Worth for nearly 2 centuries.”

Peggy seemed to have blanked most of that out. “Well, fancy. Mr. and Mrs. Ymous, Ah look forward to meeting you under better circumstances. The BBQ is this Friday.” She then wandered off to go console Bobby.

“I suppose this would be a good time to mention that my wife is a vegetarian when its anyone’s cooking but my own?” “Vegetarian, don’t tell me you fellas are liberals.” “Only in that we wish all to live in freedom and that we should blow up Congress. No, I just don’t support how bad meat farming is for the environment. Medieval Europe ate mostly vegetables, and when all those immigrants came over later, they were surprised to see all the meat we have. Farming is really bad for the environment, and meat isn’t a very efficient way to get energy. Remember the food chain, and how the energy flows from the sun, to plants, to animals? Well, I don’t want to be just a consumer, I wanna give something back to this world, y’know?” Monika finished.

“Yaw anna become a plant? We’ve already got Dale, so ah’d better not catch you 3 trying to destroy Austin or Nuke Dallas, god knows they deserve it though. Maybe we can compare our recipes at the cookout, maybe make a contest, whose steak is better gets a free tank of propane.”

You nod and thank him. Your first day in a king of the hill episode had gone reasonably well, considering you had run over his dog. Now all moved in, it’d be time to sleep, but Monika had other plans, being newlyweds and all.