American Pie Presents: Band Camp (2005)

0
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000
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1
00:00:57,684 --> 00:01:01,229
Hey, Stifler, how come Steve
got all the talent in your family?

2
00:01:01,354 --> 00:01:04,858
Bite me, Fuck Face.
Come on, man, you're missing it.

3
00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:08,361
I've seen it a million times,
you fucking ass-booger.

4
00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:12,282
Steve is like a filmmaking genius.
A true American hero.

5
00:01:12,365 --> 00:01:13,908
The Tarantino of titties.

6
00:01:13,992 --> 00:01:16,369
Yeah, there's just no way
you could ever be this good.

7
00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:17,996
Hey, look, I'm going to prove to Steve...

8
00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:21,249
that I'm up to the standards
of the Stiffmeister Productions.

9
00:01:21,791 --> 00:01:24,002
After Steve sees my directing talent...

10
00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:27,547
- little bro's joining the family business.
- Is that what he said?

11
00:01:27,630 --> 00:01:31,801
- He finally called you back?
- No, but I left him another message.

12
00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:36,723
He'll get back to me.
It's only been three weeks.

13
00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:43,146
Gentle-fucks, a toast.
Tomorrow, we begin our reign as seniors.

14
00:02:45,083 --> 00:02:47,460
Okay, people, let's take a break.

15
00:02:47,836 --> 00:02:52,173
Remember, we play this at the end of
the ceremony after Pomp and Circumstance.

16
00:02:52,257 --> 00:02:54,509
I don't want anyone starting
the wrong song again.

17
00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:57,554
- Elyse, you need to relax, girl.
- I'm fine.

18
00:02:57,887 --> 00:03:00,807
I just... You know,
it's my first time up here, and...

19
00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:03,601
Yeah, but it's graduation.
It ain't the Boston Pops.

20
00:03:03,685 --> 00:03:06,896
This performance sets the tone
for our senior year. I mean...

21
00:03:06,980 --> 00:03:11,693
Look, you just remember
that everybody here is pulling for you.

22
00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:18,366
Dork. Dork. Dork. Goose.

23
00:03:19,325 --> 00:03:22,954
- I like them feisty.
- What're you doing here, Stifler?

24
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:25,665
We just want to say sayonara,
and let you fuck-necks know...

25
00:03:25,748 --> 00:03:30,670
we plan on winning the state title, now that
the Stiffmeister's running the show.

26
00:03:30,753 --> 00:03:34,757
- Adios, butt-hugger.
- He's a bigger asshole than his brother.

27
00:03:38,344 --> 00:03:40,180
Holy shit, Arrianna.

28
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:43,308
Matt, what're you doing here?

29
00:03:43,433 --> 00:03:47,687
Oh, we just want to make sure
the seniors have a very memorable last day.

30
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:50,732
That's cool. So, there's a campout tonight...

31
00:03:50,815 --> 00:03:53,902
and it's only for the grads,
but you could come.

32
00:03:53,985 --> 00:03:56,654
Let me check my schedule. Hell, yeah.

33
00:03:57,947 --> 00:04:01,784
Bring your sleeping bag,
in case we decide to pitch a tent.

34
00:04:06,706 --> 00:04:10,627
Check it out. Perfect timing.
This is going to be classic.

35
00:04:11,211 --> 00:04:14,589
Time to initiate
Operation Gradu-fuck-uation.

36
00:04:17,300 --> 00:04:19,219
This is gonna be awesome.

37
00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,137
- Shit.
- Oh, yeah! Jackpot!

38
00:04:21,471 --> 00:04:25,350
Payback, seniors.
Don't get that pepper spray on your hands.

39
00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:31,314
A graduation gift from the Stiffmeister.

40
00:04:34,859 --> 00:04:37,403
Dude, we should've sprayed
the diplomas.

41
00:04:39,739 --> 00:04:41,282
Sorry, bandees.

42
00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:50,208
Bite my nuts and call me Skippy.
It's a Steely Dan.

43
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:53,711
- A what?
- It's a double-headed dildo.

44
00:04:54,420 --> 00:04:55,922
It's a dildo. It's a dildo.

45
00:04:56,548 --> 00:04:58,800
- Holy shit.
- It's even got a name.

46
00:05:00,510 --> 00:05:01,553
Picardo?

47
00:05:01,928 --> 00:05:05,056
- Spray that shit.
- Fuck, no. Finders keepers.

48
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:08,726
Okay, everybody, Pomp and
Circumstance.  Five-minute warning. Let's go.

49
00:05:08,810 --> 00:05:11,145
The bandees. Let's get out of here.

50
00:05:15,275 --> 00:05:17,318
- Matt?
- Leesy.

51
00:05:18,862 --> 00:05:21,823
How they hanging?
Still small and perky, I see.

52
00:05:21,906 --> 00:05:24,325
- That's funny.
- Yeah.

53
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:29,372
- What're you doing here, Matt?
- I just came by to wish you good luck.

54
00:05:29,455 --> 00:05:32,000
- You know, on the whole music thing.
- Good luck?

55
00:05:32,083 --> 00:05:34,878
You haven't said a word to me
since the eighth grade.

56
00:05:34,961 --> 00:05:38,006
Yeah, and that tone of voice
is exactly the reason why.

57
00:05:38,089 --> 00:05:40,466
So, I'm going to take off now.

58
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:48,725
Ladies and gentlemen,
please rise to honor our graduates.

59
00:05:48,808 --> 00:05:50,476
Douchebag's gonna miss it.

60
00:06:03,239 --> 00:06:04,574
Oh, yes.

61
00:06:07,911 --> 00:06:09,579
Are they crying?

62
00:06:12,290 --> 00:06:13,708
Holy shit!

63
00:06:20,465 --> 00:06:21,674
Yes!

64
00:06:43,154 --> 00:06:44,906
Eat shit, seniors.

65
00:07:05,051 --> 00:07:06,094
Uh oh!

66
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:08,721
Stifler!

67
00:07:11,391 --> 00:07:15,061
I've been waiting for this moment
for a very long time.

68
00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:19,107
And now, the day of reckoning has come.

69
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:23,903
Hello, Matthew.

70
00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:26,823
Your brother must be very proud.

71
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,744
You've continued his legacy.

72
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,914
Tormenting the innocent...

73
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:38,626
defiling all that is good and pure.

74
00:07:42,046 --> 00:07:44,757
But now, you're going down.

75
00:07:45,842 --> 00:07:49,053
What're you going to do,
expel me, Shermanator?

76
00:07:50,430 --> 00:07:53,391
I am a sophisticated counseling machine...

77
00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:57,228
sent back in time
to guide young and innocent minds.

78
00:07:57,604 --> 00:08:02,609
My primary directive is to protect
the students of this institution...

79
00:08:03,484 --> 00:08:06,362
and all, indeed all mankind...

80
00:08:07,113 --> 00:08:10,033
from the menace that is another Stifler.

81
00:08:10,241 --> 00:08:12,827
Behavior modification is required.

82
00:08:13,161 --> 00:08:15,997
It's not too late to change your future.

83
00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:22,712
No, expulsion would be too easy.

84
00:08:25,924 --> 00:08:29,177
I know the perfect punishment
to fit your crime.

85
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:34,807
Since you have so much trouble
with the band...

86
00:08:34,974 --> 00:08:37,685
perhaps you should make friends with them.

87
00:08:37,769 --> 00:08:39,437
No fucking way.

88
00:08:41,272 --> 00:08:45,902
Either you learn to be more considerate
or you will be expelled.

89
00:08:46,736 --> 00:08:48,238
No football.

90
00:08:49,197 --> 00:08:50,406
No parties.

91
00:08:50,490 --> 00:08:52,325
No spring break.

92
00:08:53,076 --> 00:08:55,662
No graduation.

93
00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:57,622
No college.

94
00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,415
No coeds.

95
00:09:00,291 --> 00:09:01,709
Comprende?

96
00:09:06,422 --> 00:09:08,466
Pack your bags, Stifler.

97
00:09:09,008 --> 00:09:11,803
- You're going to Band Camp.
- Band Camp!

98
00:09:18,518 --> 00:09:20,854
Bullshit, trash.

99
00:09:25,525 --> 00:09:27,026
All right, Steve! Valley Girls Gone Wild.

100
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:29,821
Fuck.

101
00:09:48,548 --> 00:09:49,841
Told you Steve'd get back to me.

102
00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:51,301
I mean, it was just a postcard...

103
00:09:51,384 --> 00:09:53,595
but it gave me a great idea.

104
00:09:53,678 --> 00:09:54,804
Look...

105
00:09:54,888 --> 00:09:57,015
Steve's shit-head friend, Jim...

106
00:09:57,098 --> 00:09:59,559
he married
this freaking nympho band-geek, Michelle.

107
00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:02,562
And he said
all they do at Band Camp is screw 24/7.

108
00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:06,774
Matt, buddy, you cannot screw band chicks.
There are standards.

109
00:10:08,151 --> 00:10:11,571
I'm not talking about screwing them,
scrotum-breath.

110
00:10:11,696 --> 00:10:14,240
I'm talking about videotaping them.

111
00:10:14,324 --> 00:10:17,869
People love to see dorks doing
that freaky shit on hidden video.

112
00:10:17,952 --> 00:10:21,789
Bandeez Gone Wild.
Steve's gonna have some competition now...

113
00:10:21,956 --> 00:10:24,542
because little bro's
joining the family business.

114
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,424
Yeah, Spy Chest.

115
00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:33,635
Secret Video.

116
00:10:35,470 --> 00:10:36,513
Hell, yeah.

117
00:10:40,183 --> 00:10:41,518
Color night vision? I'll take it. Shit.

118
00:10:49,776 --> 00:10:51,486
How about tomorrow?
This is going be great.

119
00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:36,531
Welcome to Tall Oaks 2005.

120
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:40,535
Let's hear it from Lloyd Memorial High.

121
00:11:40,618 --> 00:11:43,037
L- L-O-Y-D!

122
00:11:43,788 --> 00:11:45,331
L- L-O-Y-D!

123
00:11:46,583 --> 00:11:48,334
- Mount St. Marie.
- Mount St. Marie!

124
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:49,878
Mount St. Marie!

125
00:11:49,961 --> 00:11:51,588
East Great Falls High.

126
00:11:52,213 --> 00:11:53,673
East Great Falls!

127
00:11:54,215 --> 00:11:55,717
East Great Falls!

128
00:11:56,593 --> 00:11:59,888
And five-time defending
Tall Oaks Cup Champion...

129
00:12:00,180 --> 00:12:01,973
Beechwood Academy.

130
00:12:02,056 --> 00:12:04,809
We're Number One! We're Number One!
We're Number One!

131
00:12:04,893 --> 00:12:06,102
Okay, settle down.

132
00:12:06,978 --> 00:12:09,272
Now, as you know, each year...

133
00:12:09,355 --> 00:12:12,400
one senior Tall Oaks composer is awarded...

134
00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:16,988
a full scholarship
to the prestigious Robards Conservatory.

135
00:12:17,071 --> 00:12:19,240
Elyse, this is your year to win.

136
00:12:19,324 --> 00:12:22,535
This year, Dr. Susan Choi,
president of Robards...

137
00:12:22,619 --> 00:12:25,538
will judge the compositions herself.

138
00:12:25,622 --> 00:12:30,126
And let's not forget to welcome
the Tall Oaks Camp Counselors.

139
00:12:37,425 --> 00:12:41,679
If you visit our infirmary, Nurse Sanders
will take care of your every need.

140
00:12:44,349 --> 00:12:48,937
Okay, so let's work hard,
and may the best band win.

141
00:12:56,903 --> 00:12:58,029
You guys ready?

142
00:13:16,756 --> 00:13:18,341
What the fuck?

143
00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:21,094
Are you a rookie? You look lost.

144
00:13:21,469 --> 00:13:25,223
Are you an asshole?
You're hairy, and you smell like shit.

145
00:13:26,891 --> 00:13:30,019
I'll ignore that kind of talk once.

146
00:13:31,145 --> 00:13:33,314
We don't speak that way here.

147
00:13:33,398 --> 00:13:37,861
Rookies are to wear their beanies
at all times. Those are the rules.

148
00:13:37,944 --> 00:13:40,738
And who made you
the mayor of Geek Town?

149
00:13:41,573 --> 00:13:45,702
I'm Brandon Vandecamp,
senior drum major, Beechwood Academy...

150
00:13:45,785 --> 00:13:47,537
and the president of the Tall Oaks Council.

151
00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:51,624
Oh, and who are they, Mr. President?
The First Lady and Vice Pussy?

152
00:13:57,755 --> 00:13:59,132
Suits you well.

153
00:13:59,257 --> 00:14:04,012
Golly, jeepers, thanks. Hey, you know,
since I'm an official band geek and all...

154
00:14:04,095 --> 00:14:06,347
can you guess
what my favorite piece of music is?

155
00:14:06,431 --> 00:14:08,892
- I have no idea.
- The Nutcracker.

156
00:14:11,311 --> 00:14:12,395
Step back, bitch.

157
00:14:12,478 --> 00:14:14,856
Holy mother of Mozart.

158
00:14:16,774 --> 00:14:17,901
This is bad.

159
00:14:17,984 --> 00:14:20,653
You didn't know Jackie Chan
was in the house, did you boys, huh?

160
00:14:20,737 --> 00:14:22,739
Stop that. Stop that now.

161
00:14:22,822 --> 00:14:25,158
Those knob-slobbers started it.

162
00:14:25,241 --> 00:14:27,869
That's not true, sir.
We simply reminded him to wear his beanie.

163
00:14:27,952 --> 00:14:30,330
And then he viciously assaulted
Brandon's genitals.

164
00:14:30,413 --> 00:14:34,876
- That's a lie, you dick-snot.
- Oscar, Jimmy, escort this man to see...

165
00:14:35,126 --> 00:14:37,462
- the Macro.
- The what?

166
00:14:37,921 --> 00:14:40,173
- You're dead.
- Now, gentlemen.

167
00:14:41,007 --> 00:14:43,176
God, Brandon, are you okay?

168
00:14:44,219 --> 00:14:46,763
You want to tell me
what the hell you're doing here, Stifler?

169
00:14:46,846 --> 00:14:49,390
It don't matter, Big O.
He ain't gonna be here long.

170
00:14:49,474 --> 00:14:50,600
- Bitch!
- Get over here.

171
00:14:50,683 --> 00:14:52,894
Macro gonna fuck your ass up, fool.

172
00:14:52,977 --> 00:14:55,563
- What the fuck's a macro?
- The Macro.

173
00:14:55,647 --> 00:14:57,857
Morale And Conflict Resolution Officer.

174
00:14:57,941 --> 00:15:00,318
I heard this one time,
this kid went into that office...

175
00:15:00,401 --> 00:15:02,153
a baritone and came out a soprano.

176
00:15:02,237 --> 00:15:05,198
- Clarinet up the ass backwards, yo.
- What?

177
00:15:12,747 --> 00:15:14,082
Pussies.

178
00:15:27,971 --> 00:15:29,347
Oh, I'm sorry.

179
00:15:31,516 --> 00:15:33,685
Frankenstein.  Scary stuff.

180
00:15:34,936 --> 00:15:37,355
I am just a Boris Karloff nut.

181
00:15:37,647 --> 00:15:41,734
- I'm the Macro, Mr. Levenstein.
- Holy shit, you're Jim's dad.

182
00:15:42,318 --> 00:15:45,280
He screwed that redheaded nympho chick
at my lake house.

183
00:15:45,363 --> 00:15:49,075
- Oh, my, you're not a Stifler?
- Yeah, I'm Steve's brother, Matt.

184
00:15:50,493 --> 00:15:54,122
- There are two Stiflers?
- Yes, sir. Hey, what're you doing here?

185
00:15:54,205 --> 00:15:58,209
Oh, well, Jim is now out of the house,
married to Michelle...

186
00:15:58,293 --> 00:16:01,462
that redheaded nympho chick
that you spoke of.

187
00:16:02,714 --> 00:16:05,675
And, being a former
Tall Oaks Counselor of the Year...

188
00:16:05,758 --> 00:16:10,889
she was hired to be the Macro this summer,
but she got pregnant.

189
00:16:11,222 --> 00:16:14,684
No doubt due to the tendencies
you alluded to earlier.

190
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:17,812
And I have a great rapport with
young people...

191
00:16:17,896 --> 00:16:20,315
so I just stepped in and volunteered.

192
00:16:20,398 --> 00:16:23,943
That cretin is not in our band,
and we are not responsible for his actions.

193
00:16:24,027 --> 00:16:26,779
- Who pissed in your piccolo?
- I'm sensing some hostility here.

194
00:16:26,863 --> 00:16:28,198
- He poisoned my band.
- What?

195
00:16:28,281 --> 00:16:31,284
- I'm the Macro and it's my job to deal with...
- What is he doing here?

196
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:34,787
- Matt Stifler is pure evil just like his brother.
... conflict.

197
00:16:34,871 --> 00:16:36,372
Thanks, Leesy.

198
00:16:41,169 --> 00:16:42,754
She seems nice.

199
00:16:43,713 --> 00:16:45,173
There are rules, of course.

200
00:16:45,256 --> 00:16:46,966
- You will have to wear a beanie.
- Yeah.

201
00:16:47,050 --> 00:16:50,470
Oh, I know. It's a little silly,
but it's tradition here...

202
00:16:50,553 --> 00:16:54,182
something you're familiar with,
being on the football team, I'm sure...

203
00:16:54,265 --> 00:16:57,810
with your elephant walks and circle jerks
and drinking butt beer.

204
00:16:57,894 --> 00:17:00,230
But here, you just have to wear
a silly little hat and...

205
00:17:00,313 --> 00:17:02,857
- a somewhat stylish Tall Oaks T-shirt.
- Yeah.

206
00:17:03,483 --> 00:17:05,527
So, just go with the flow, Matt...

207
00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:08,029
and you will have loads of fun...

208
00:17:08,404 --> 00:17:11,449
and you'll be making new friends in no time.

209
00:17:18,456 --> 00:17:21,334
Hey, Ernie Kaplowitz, tenor sax.

210
00:17:22,627 --> 00:17:25,255
Cool! I'm a rookie here, too.

211
00:17:25,505 --> 00:17:29,425
I really wanted to come last year,
but Computer Camp conflicted, and...

212
00:17:29,592 --> 00:17:33,721
Oh, yeah, that was here when I arrived.
I think it has your name on it.

213
00:17:35,849 --> 00:17:37,267
What is it?

214
00:17:39,018 --> 00:17:42,689
Hi, welcome to Casa de Stifler.
I'll be your host, Matt.

215
00:17:42,856 --> 00:17:46,401
Every day here, I'll make it my sincere goal
not to have to kick your ass.

216
00:17:46,484 --> 00:17:49,320
Allow me to show you
to your new accommodations.

217
00:17:50,363 --> 00:17:52,991
When I'm out here, you're in there.

218
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,244
Have a great day, fucko.

219
00:17:56,536 --> 00:17:57,745
I don't...

220
00:18:01,165 --> 00:18:02,333
Okay...

221
00:18:02,417 --> 00:18:04,085
I'll just go and put this stuff away for you.

222
00:18:04,169 --> 00:18:05,420
All right. Bandee-vision.

223
00:18:08,214 --> 00:18:12,468
This is a 1978 Ohio State show...

224
00:18:12,552 --> 00:18:13,928
The Wizard Of Oz.

225
00:18:14,012 --> 00:18:17,765
The one where the sousaphone player
forgot to dot the I? Oh, hey.

226
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,478
Yeah, right. Freaks.

227
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:26,941
Never fear, the Stiffmeister's here.

228
00:18:27,025 --> 00:18:30,195
Band Camp just got
a whole lot better, ladies.

229
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,906
You're Steve Stifler's younger brother,
aren't you?

230
00:18:32,989 --> 00:18:34,824
- Young and hung.
- Great.

231
00:18:34,949 --> 00:18:38,286
- Could you send him a message for me?
- No problem, senorita.

232
00:18:45,460 --> 00:18:49,881
Well, it looks like Steve gave someone
the old Stifler bang-and-boot.

233
00:18:50,965 --> 00:18:54,260
- Is there a problem here?
- No, everything's fine.

234
00:18:56,304 --> 00:18:59,557
- Have fun at Band Camp.
- Thank you, I will.

235
00:19:03,561 --> 00:19:05,897
- Later.
- Word.

236
00:19:06,397 --> 00:19:09,192
You need to start showing some respect
around here, Stifler.

237
00:19:09,275 --> 00:19:12,695
You need to show yourself
back to your table, Big Dog.

238
00:19:12,779 --> 00:19:14,614
Out of my way, Yo.

239
00:19:15,990 --> 00:19:20,036
Hola, chicas.
Elyse, so good to see you again.

240
00:19:20,370 --> 00:19:23,498
So, what's going on tonight?
We gonna party, get a little crazy?

241
00:19:23,581 --> 00:19:26,167
Who wants to rack up
a few frequent fucker miles?

242
00:19:26,251 --> 00:19:29,337
- You know, you are the most...
- Most sexy man ever to come to Band Camp.

243
00:19:29,420 --> 00:19:33,466
- What? Chloe, he is so obnoxious.
- Sexy obnoxious.

244
00:19:33,550 --> 00:19:36,636
- Thank you.
- I'm tired of messing around with these...

245
00:19:36,719 --> 00:19:38,638
dorky-ass nice guys...

246
00:19:38,763 --> 00:19:41,015
and sensitive-artist types.

247
00:19:41,391 --> 00:19:45,937
- Let's party with a real hombre tonight.
- Hell, yeah. That's me:

248
00:19:46,479 --> 00:19:50,483
- 100% hombre.
- All right, my room, 8:00.

249
00:19:51,651 --> 00:19:55,321
Great first day, campers.
This is your Macro speaking...

250
00:19:55,405 --> 00:19:58,950
and, hey, morale
couldn't have been higher today.

251
00:19:59,033 --> 00:20:01,786
So hop in the sack,
and get a good night's sleep because...

252
00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:06,124
starting tomorrow, we have
many, many exciting activities planned...

253
00:20:06,207 --> 00:20:09,961
not the least of which is
the race for the Tall Oaks Cup.

254
00:20:10,128 --> 00:20:12,172
So let the games begin.

255
00:20:12,463 --> 00:20:16,426
Bandeez Gone Wild.
Scene One. Party hombre.

256
00:20:21,306 --> 00:20:25,643
It's called Strip Trivia. We made it up.
It's a Band Camp tradition.

257
00:20:25,977 --> 00:20:30,273
"Fourth and Long," "Sextuplets,"
"Banging Babes," and "Who Blew Me?"

258
00:20:30,398 --> 00:20:33,568
This looks like my kind of game.
Shall we play?

259
00:20:34,569 --> 00:20:37,572
You sit in the middle.
Your game, my seating chart.

260
00:20:37,697 --> 00:20:39,240
Sit a little closer, ladies.

261
00:20:39,324 --> 00:20:41,659
Don't be scared. It's all right.

262
00:20:41,743 --> 00:20:42,911
Okay...

263
00:20:43,203 --> 00:20:46,206
the rules are simple.
You choose a category and a question...

264
00:20:46,289 --> 00:20:48,750
and every time you miss, you strip.

265
00:20:48,833 --> 00:20:49,918
Hell, yeah.

266
00:20:50,001 --> 00:20:53,671
- I'll go first. "Who Blew Me?"
- Good.

267
00:20:56,966 --> 00:21:01,429
I am a silver Stradivarius trumpet
played by a Pulitzer Prize winner.

268
00:21:02,472 --> 00:21:03,806
Who blew me?

269
00:21:03,973 --> 00:21:06,476
- Yeah, like I'd know.
- Sorry.

270
00:21:06,684 --> 00:21:08,144
Lose the shoes, and pick again.

271
00:21:08,228 --> 00:21:10,188
You didn't tell me this shit was about music.

272
00:21:10,271 --> 00:21:13,900
- Well, it is Band Camp, moron.
- Hey, to be fair...

273
00:21:14,192 --> 00:21:17,237
maybe we should just give him a head start.

274
00:21:20,782 --> 00:21:22,492
All right. Yeah.

275
00:21:23,701 --> 00:21:25,453
Okay, all right. All right.

276
00:21:27,038 --> 00:21:29,958
What's wrong with you?
Scared to show off the mosquito bites?

277
00:21:30,041 --> 00:21:32,794
I've matured since the fourth grade, Matt.
Have you?

278
00:21:32,877 --> 00:21:35,922
Oh, I've got 10 pounds of dangling maturity
right here, Leesy.

279
00:21:36,005 --> 00:21:38,967
- Quit calling me that.
- Okay, okay, moving on.

280
00:21:39,676 --> 00:21:43,930
- Matt, just pick another question, please.
- All right, screw it. Whatever.

281
00:21:44,556 --> 00:21:46,766
There you go. Suck on that.

282
00:21:48,351 --> 00:21:51,062
- Fourth and Long.
- Sure, no problem.

283
00:21:54,357 --> 00:21:58,862
Of Beethoven's major symphonies,
which has the longest fourth movement?

284
00:21:59,779 --> 00:22:01,656
All right, I see where this is going.

285
00:22:01,739 --> 00:22:04,450
Fine, you win.

286
00:22:08,913 --> 00:22:10,164
I free ball, ladies.

287
00:22:10,832 --> 00:22:15,044
Got to let the big boys breathe.
All right, we play by my rules now.

288
00:22:15,503 --> 00:22:18,423
Football questions only.
Prepare to strip, ladies.

289
00:22:19,174 --> 00:22:22,802
- Wait. But first, does anybody want a beer?
- I do.

290
00:22:23,261 --> 00:22:28,224
The counselors have a secret stash
in the fridge across the hall.

291
00:22:28,391 --> 00:22:32,270
- Would you mind?
- Now we're talking about a fucking party.

292
00:22:32,353 --> 00:22:34,147
Stiffy'll be back in a jiffy.

293
00:22:36,441 --> 00:22:39,027
I mean, there's nobody around...

294
00:22:39,110 --> 00:22:41,529
and we haven't seen your best side yet.

295
00:22:48,161 --> 00:22:50,371
Yes! We got him.

296
00:22:52,457 --> 00:22:54,292
So busted.

297
00:23:02,050 --> 00:23:04,594
Man, big boys, wake up.

298
00:23:04,677 --> 00:23:07,180
Just gotta turn down the A.C. In there, huh?

299
00:23:07,263 --> 00:23:08,431
Good night, girls.

300
00:23:15,813 --> 00:23:18,441
Sorry, asshole, game's over.

301
00:23:18,650 --> 00:23:23,071
Yeah, the big boys
will love the long walk home.

302
00:23:23,947 --> 00:23:25,740
Room check, girls.

303
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:28,326
Oh, shit.

304
00:23:28,660 --> 00:23:30,912
- Ditch his clothes.
- Out the window.

305
00:23:31,663 --> 00:23:34,123
All right, who wants a long neck?

306
00:23:41,005 --> 00:23:42,757
Nurse Sanders.

307
00:23:45,552 --> 00:23:48,054
- They set me up.
- He attacked us with pepper spray...

308
00:23:48,137 --> 00:23:50,849
- and ruined our graduation.
- I went there for a friendly game...

309
00:23:50,932 --> 00:23:52,016
Hold it. Hold it. Kids.

310
00:23:52,100 --> 00:23:54,143
Okay...

311
00:23:54,394 --> 00:23:56,145
where are your clothes?

312
00:23:58,815 --> 00:24:00,275
I have them.

313
00:24:00,900 --> 00:24:02,902
- May I ask why?
- Well, they got me naked...

314
00:24:02,986 --> 00:24:06,239
- Oh, whatever. He took his own pants off...
- And they stole my clothes.

315
00:24:06,322 --> 00:24:09,075
And I got stuck up there
with Mrs. Doubtfire checking out my...

316
00:24:15,248 --> 00:24:17,208
Let me see if I have this straight.

317
00:24:17,375 --> 00:24:22,046
Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock
who wears his penis on his forehead...

318
00:24:22,130 --> 00:24:25,550
just to gain the approval of
his sociopathic brother.

319
00:24:25,633 --> 00:24:29,554
And Matt, you think Elyse
is an uptight, geeky prude...

320
00:24:29,637 --> 00:24:32,390
who needs to loosen up and get laid.

321
00:24:32,473 --> 00:24:35,685
Excuse the expression, dear.
Is that close to being on the money?

322
00:24:37,437 --> 00:24:38,605
Look, kids...

323
00:24:40,064 --> 00:24:42,650
the only way to solve your differences...

324
00:24:43,318 --> 00:24:44,986
is by working together.

325
00:24:46,154 --> 00:24:47,947
So why don't you start tomorrow...

326
00:24:48,364 --> 00:24:51,451
by putting one foot in front of the other?

327
00:24:55,121 --> 00:24:56,915
Left flank hut.

328
00:24:59,375 --> 00:25:00,877
Turn and hut.

329
00:25:08,551 --> 00:25:09,802
What the fuck!

330
00:25:11,346 --> 00:25:13,181
Band 10 hut!

331
00:25:13,431 --> 00:25:14,474
Holy shit.

332
00:25:15,016 --> 00:25:18,561
When I yell "band 10 hut,"
you snap firmly at attention.

333
00:25:18,645 --> 00:25:22,357
- You want to see me firmly at attention?
- I already have. I wasn't impressed.

334
00:25:25,276 --> 00:25:26,486
Look...

335
00:25:27,362 --> 00:25:29,322
we've never beaten Beechwood, okay?

336
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:32,158
For some of us, it's our last shot.

337
00:25:34,953 --> 00:25:36,538
Just stop screwing up, okay?

338
00:25:36,621 --> 00:25:38,039
Yeah, asshole.

339
00:25:40,625 --> 00:25:42,877
Okay, people, back to work, let's go.
Whatever.

340
00:25:42,961 --> 00:25:44,337
I don't need this shit.

341
00:25:44,420 --> 00:25:46,881
Reset the block. Front ranks, right here.

342
00:26:00,854 --> 00:26:02,188
Housekeeping.

343
00:26:29,632 --> 00:26:32,051
Oscar, brought me something to drink?

344
00:26:32,343 --> 00:26:35,346
- Come on.
- Good looking out, baby.

345
00:26:37,932 --> 00:26:39,684
Hey, it's Ernie Crapowitz.

346
00:26:39,767 --> 00:26:42,896
So you finally came out of the closet.
Good for you.

347
00:26:44,272 --> 00:26:46,816
Look, I want to know
what goes on at night, all right?

348
00:26:46,900 --> 00:26:49,527
All the crazy shit.
Naked pillow fights, whatever.

349
00:26:49,611 --> 00:26:53,114
Do I look like the guy that's in charge of
the naked pillow fights, huh?

350
00:26:53,198 --> 00:26:54,741
It's my first time here.

351
00:26:54,824 --> 00:26:56,034
Notice the beanie?

352
00:26:56,117 --> 00:26:57,243
Yes.

353
00:26:58,203 --> 00:26:59,662
Yes, I do.

354
00:26:59,746 --> 00:27:03,124
Yes, speaking of beanies,
where's yours, Stifler?

355
00:27:03,458 --> 00:27:05,418
You still not following the rules, huh?

356
00:27:05,502 --> 00:27:07,420
- Let's see.
- Look. He's getting in trouble again.

357
00:27:07,504 --> 00:27:10,924
No standard-issue Tall Oaks T-shirt
and no beanie.

358
00:27:11,007 --> 00:27:14,344
I believe that's two points from Great Falls,
Mr. Nelson.

359
00:27:14,594 --> 00:27:16,471
Tell you what, Vande-cramp...

360
00:27:16,804 --> 00:27:19,599
what if I took his beanie...

361
00:27:19,682 --> 00:27:22,435
and put it on my weenie?

362
00:27:22,519 --> 00:27:26,606
How do you like that Vande-cramp?
It's on my head, right?

363
00:27:26,773 --> 00:27:29,025
Make it five points from Great Falls.

364
00:27:29,192 --> 00:27:30,485
Five points.

365
00:27:30,568 --> 00:27:33,738
Man, this place sucks donkey ass.

366
00:27:38,826 --> 00:27:40,578
Put your beanie on, Son.

367
00:27:46,417 --> 00:27:48,378
Five points.

368
00:28:11,734 --> 00:28:14,028
Stay still. Stop moving.

369
00:28:14,112 --> 00:28:15,864
He ain't going nowhere now.

370
00:28:15,947 --> 00:28:19,284
This isn't your world. This is our
world, and we don't want you in it.

371
00:28:19,367 --> 00:28:21,619
You already cost us
five points in the standings.

372
00:28:21,703 --> 00:28:23,496
We can't have that.

373
00:28:23,746 --> 00:28:25,456
Set the man up with his beanie.

374
00:28:33,214 --> 00:28:35,133
Now you're representing, fool.

375
00:28:35,216 --> 00:28:36,509
And this toothpaste...

376
00:28:36,593 --> 00:28:39,304
this will make up
for the pepper spray, asshole.

377
00:28:53,193 --> 00:28:54,736
Oh, shit.

378
00:28:55,445 --> 00:28:57,864
I'll get the paint thinner
from maintenance.

379
00:28:59,449 --> 00:29:00,825
Animals.

380
00:29:11,294 --> 00:29:15,423
Matt, you were sent here...

381
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:17,300
to make a change.

382
00:29:17,467 --> 00:29:21,221
And, so far, you've only had
your sinuses sanitized. So...

383
00:29:21,596 --> 00:29:24,015
I think it's time to try a new approach.

384
00:29:24,474 --> 00:29:26,267
Make some friends.

385
00:29:28,019 --> 00:29:29,854
Earn their trust.

386
00:29:32,106 --> 00:29:34,400
Why would I want to earn their trust?

387
00:29:37,654 --> 00:29:39,197
Good.

388
00:29:43,326 --> 00:29:45,411
Welcome to Stifler-vision.

389
00:29:45,495 --> 00:29:47,997
I think there's
a cymbal class at 1:00.

390
00:29:48,164 --> 00:29:49,374
I hate that.

391
00:29:49,457 --> 00:29:51,668
Yeah, but it's better than
the bass drum relay.

392
00:29:51,751 --> 00:29:53,002
Yeah, that's true.

393
00:29:57,549 --> 00:29:59,759
Yours look totally fantastic.

394
00:29:59,843 --> 00:30:03,096
Two for the price of one.
My left one's bigger, see?

395
00:30:03,179 --> 00:30:06,099
Yeah, mine, too, baby.
They can totally fix that.

396
00:30:06,182 --> 00:30:07,934
No!
Want to see?

397
00:30:08,017 --> 00:30:10,603
I used to be...
Lens fog. No!

398
00:30:21,906 --> 00:30:25,785
What is that thing, butt weasel?
Yeah, it's the KR3, baby.

399
00:30:25,869 --> 00:30:29,539
The Kaplowitz Remote Robotic Rover.
And you are so busted.

400
00:30:29,622 --> 00:30:33,209
- Hey, Oscar, somebody call the Macro.
- Dude, please, shut up.

401
00:30:33,293 --> 00:30:37,046
Pull your panties out of your ass.
I can help you with that chick.

402
00:30:40,842 --> 00:30:41,926
What chick?

403
00:30:42,010 --> 00:30:44,512
Dude, the one with all the tattoos.
The Tubanator.

404
00:30:44,596 --> 00:30:46,055
Her name is Chloe.

405
00:30:46,681 --> 00:30:50,059
Come on, man. I can help.
I'm the Stiffmeister.

406
00:30:50,143 --> 00:30:52,937
- Master of love and romance.
- Bullshit.

407
00:30:53,104 --> 00:30:57,567
I nailed three cheerleaders in one week
on spring break. College cheerleaders.

408
00:31:08,077 --> 00:31:10,580
And I know why your camera spritzed out.

409
00:31:13,291 --> 00:31:15,251
Dude, this thing is awesome.

410
00:31:15,835 --> 00:31:18,922
- You ever use this to look up chicks' skirts?
- No.

411
00:31:19,005 --> 00:31:21,382
But I did use it to win
the State Science Fair last year.

412
00:31:21,466 --> 00:31:23,760
And I'm hoping it gets me into MIT next fall.

413
00:31:23,843 --> 00:31:25,887
I really want to work for NASA.

414
00:31:26,095 --> 00:31:28,598
National Anal Sex Association?

415
00:31:28,806 --> 00:31:30,558
No it's Space...

416
00:31:31,351 --> 00:31:36,022
- There's an Anal Sex Association?
- Oh, yeah, but you've got to be a pro.

417
00:31:37,607 --> 00:31:39,776
Wait, there's a Space Association?

418
00:31:41,319 --> 00:31:43,279
You were supposed to use this.

419
00:31:44,572 --> 00:31:48,785
- See, it's got an anti-fog lens. Duh.
- Yeah, good.

420
00:31:49,869 --> 00:31:54,749
- Can the robot record?
- All right, so, what are your intentions?

421
00:31:56,209 --> 00:31:58,711
With the video, I mean. What are you doing?

422
00:31:58,795 --> 00:32:00,338
Oh, it's just for fun.

423
00:32:00,630 --> 00:32:04,092
I mean, who doesn't like to look
at hot naked chicks, right?

424
00:32:05,552 --> 00:32:08,137
Keep it between us, and I'll let you watch.

425
00:32:08,429 --> 00:32:12,058
Plus, I'll have you giving Chloe
the pelvic noogie inside a week.

426
00:32:13,309 --> 00:32:15,311
Hey, Stifler. Phone.

427
00:32:15,478 --> 00:32:17,313
We're in Detroit!

428
00:32:17,939 --> 00:32:20,650
Locked into sweet Brazilian rum.

429
00:32:20,733 --> 00:32:23,486
I'm fucking fubar, man!

430
00:32:23,570 --> 00:32:27,907
I sent you rum today.
Could come in handy in Dorksville.

431
00:32:27,991 --> 00:32:29,659
This place blows.

432
00:32:30,869 --> 00:32:32,579
Hey, my roommate, Dr. Robot...

433
00:32:32,662 --> 00:32:34,831
busted me taping some college chicks
in the shower.

434
00:32:34,914 --> 00:32:37,041
So now I have to be all nice to him and shit.

435
00:32:37,125 --> 00:32:40,503
And I'm not getting any good footage
'cause these fucking bandees hate me.

436
00:32:42,213 --> 00:32:44,424
Think of it
like trying to hook up with a virgin.

437
00:32:44,507 --> 00:32:48,094
Act like you give a shit about them
until they bring you into the good stuff.

438
00:32:48,178 --> 00:32:50,054
Earn their trust?

439
00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:52,640
Dude, that could work.

440
00:32:52,765 --> 00:32:55,310
I'll be an undercover bandee fucker.

441
00:32:56,227 --> 00:32:59,731
Hello, everyone.
Isn't it a peachy day here at Band Camp?

442
00:32:59,939 --> 00:33:03,818
Band buds. How's it going? Yo.

443
00:33:04,569 --> 00:33:08,531
Hey, I just want to say thanks
for the little wakeup call. You kidders.

444
00:33:09,657 --> 00:33:12,744
Hey, I can finally hear
the music calling me, okay?

445
00:33:13,995 --> 00:33:16,831
There. Hear it? Yeah. Me, too.

446
00:33:17,081 --> 00:33:21,753
So I'm a totally new man, and... By the way,
you both look great in pantyhose.

447
00:33:32,138 --> 00:33:35,433
- What are you doing?
- Awaiting my marching lesson, ma'am.

448
00:33:35,517 --> 00:33:37,977
Look, Matt, I really don't have time for this
right now.

449
00:33:38,061 --> 00:33:41,606
No, look, I figure I'm here,
I might as well make the best of it.

450
00:33:41,689 --> 00:33:45,109
Matt, marching's hard, okay?
It's not like throwing some football.

451
00:33:45,193 --> 00:33:48,863
- Oh, you ever thrown into double coverage?
- You ever high-stepped in double time?

452
00:33:48,947 --> 00:33:52,450
Yes, ma'am, the time the cops chased us
across Koreno's Creek.

453
00:33:53,076 --> 00:33:55,954
And you got so scared, you cried.

454
00:33:56,704 --> 00:34:00,792
- I had allergies.
- It was winter, Mattie.

455
00:34:01,793 --> 00:34:05,255
Well, if you don't teach me to march,
I might just cry again.

456
00:34:08,842 --> 00:34:10,009
Fine.

457
00:34:10,301 --> 00:34:14,347
Left foot on one and three,
right foot on two and four.

458
00:34:14,430 --> 00:34:15,974
You have to do math?

459
00:34:24,566 --> 00:34:28,486
One, two, three, middle.
One, two, three, line.

460
00:34:28,570 --> 00:34:30,780
Right foot on four.

461
00:34:33,032 --> 00:34:35,577
- Keep your step size even.
- My what?

462
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,665
All right, there we go, little buddy.
I'm gonna fix you up good.

463
00:34:42,125 --> 00:34:46,963
Any girl that knows how to play a tuba,
she can do things. That's what Stifler says.

464
00:34:47,046 --> 00:34:49,674
I don't know what it means,
but it's got to be good.

465
00:34:49,757 --> 00:34:51,009
You're good to go.

466
00:34:51,092 --> 00:34:52,635
Let's go find Chloe.

467
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:06,649
Holy shit.

468
00:35:07,901 --> 00:35:11,196
What the hell? Who's doing this?

469
00:35:13,531 --> 00:35:14,657
Take it.

470
00:35:14,741 --> 00:35:15,825
It's okay.

471
00:35:25,502 --> 00:35:29,130
- Thanks, little creepy machine.
- You're welcome...

472
00:35:29,506 --> 00:35:31,216
beautiful lady.

473
00:35:46,523 --> 00:35:50,818
With my right, with my right,
but I can also do it with my left, with my left.

474
00:35:54,322 --> 00:35:55,406
Bootie.

475
00:35:56,824 --> 00:35:57,951
Good game.

476
00:36:04,165 --> 00:36:06,000
You just touched my bootie.

477
00:36:13,049 --> 00:36:15,468
- What's that?
- Your instrument.

478
00:36:15,927 --> 00:36:17,720
That's fucking gay.

479
00:36:18,763 --> 00:36:20,890
- I mean lame.
- Good.

480
00:36:21,683 --> 00:36:24,561
Now, there are two positions.

481
00:36:25,186 --> 00:36:29,357
Carrying position, like this,
and playing position, like this.

482
00:36:29,524 --> 00:36:31,234
Now when I call, "horns up"...

483
00:36:31,317 --> 00:36:33,403
you're gonna move your instrument out,
and then...

484
00:36:33,486 --> 00:36:35,154
Hello, losers.

485
00:36:35,321 --> 00:36:39,117
Matt. Oh, my God. Matt, I am so sorry.

486
00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:41,452
- I think I bit a hole in my tongue.
- Oh, let me see.

487
00:36:41,536 --> 00:36:44,080
No, no hole.
On today's...

488
00:36:44,163 --> 00:36:47,500
episode wasting time on lost causes.

489
00:36:48,209 --> 00:36:52,338
Speaking of which, I understand you
composed the music to your show, Elyse...

490
00:36:52,422 --> 00:36:54,048
if you call that music.

491
00:36:54,132 --> 00:36:56,593
Yeah. That's right. I did.

492
00:36:56,676 --> 00:36:58,887
And who'd your daddy hire
to compose yours?

493
00:36:58,970 --> 00:37:03,933
I'm just giving you fair warning, cupcake.
Robards Scholarship is mine.

494
00:37:04,434 --> 00:37:05,852
Like you need it.

495
00:37:06,144 --> 00:37:09,147
It's not a matter of need.
It's a matter of want.

496
00:37:09,439 --> 00:37:12,859
- Yeah, I get what I want.
- Why don't you shut the fuck up?

497
00:37:12,942 --> 00:37:14,194
Matt, don't.

498
00:37:15,236 --> 00:37:18,031
- What are you going to do?
- Kick your ass.

499
00:37:18,198 --> 00:37:19,991
- Are you challenging me?
- No.

500
00:37:20,074 --> 00:37:23,453
- Yeah, what if I am?
- No, Brandon, that is not what he's doing.

501
00:37:23,536 --> 00:37:26,372
I accept. Amphitheatre, 5:00.

502
00:37:26,748 --> 00:37:29,626
It's been three years
since I've been challenged.

503
00:37:29,876 --> 00:37:31,753
We got a challenge.

504
00:37:34,464 --> 00:37:36,883
I look forward to reminding people why.

505
00:37:37,675 --> 00:37:39,177
East Great Falls.

506
00:37:39,469 --> 00:37:41,596
I'll see you there, asshole.

507
00:37:43,473 --> 00:37:47,310
- Do you know what you just did?
- Doesn't matter. He's going down.

508
00:37:47,393 --> 00:37:50,063
Matt, you challenged him to a duel.

509
00:37:50,355 --> 00:37:51,564
With swords?

510
00:37:52,190 --> 00:37:56,027
No, you idiot.
You each get on stage and perform.

511
00:37:56,110 --> 00:37:58,154
And the crowd decides who wins.

512
00:37:58,655 --> 00:38:00,573
Can't we just do keg stands?

513
00:38:01,157 --> 00:38:05,578
Matt, this is serious, okay?
Beechwood gets five points if he wins...

514
00:38:05,662 --> 00:38:08,957
which, you know, he will
because he plays an instrument.

515
00:38:09,165 --> 00:38:10,959
Well, so do I.

516
00:38:11,501 --> 00:38:14,295
Let the Tall Oaks
Battle Royale begin.

517
00:38:14,879 --> 00:38:17,757
The prize is five points towards the cup.

518
00:38:18,675 --> 00:38:20,677
Okay, Brandon, you're up first.

519
00:39:04,637 --> 00:39:05,930
Come on!

520
00:39:08,266 --> 00:39:10,810
Suck on that, bitch.

521
00:39:11,853 --> 00:39:13,146
Lame.

522
00:39:13,897 --> 00:39:15,481
This is so embarrassing.

523
00:39:15,565 --> 00:39:16,816
Okay, Brandon.

524
00:39:16,900 --> 00:39:18,526
Now you show him, Brandon.

525
00:39:36,461 --> 00:39:37,670
Take that!

526
00:39:49,307 --> 00:39:52,101
Well, seems this contest is over.

527
00:39:52,769 --> 00:39:55,146
Figures. We just lost five points.

528
00:39:57,774 --> 00:40:00,777
And the winner by forfeit is...

529
00:40:03,279 --> 00:40:04,948
But I know it's not his fault...

530
00:40:28,179 --> 00:40:29,931
You don't know the words.

531
00:40:51,703 --> 00:40:53,288
He should shave that.

532
00:40:56,124 --> 00:40:57,792
East Great Falls!

533
00:40:58,376 --> 00:41:00,211
East Great Falls!

534
00:41:00,503 --> 00:41:02,422
East Great Falls!

535
00:41:03,089 --> 00:41:04,716
East Great Falls!

536
00:41:07,886 --> 00:41:10,471
Okay, five points to Great Falls.

537
00:41:12,348 --> 00:41:14,350
All right, Great Falls!

538
00:41:16,728 --> 00:41:18,897
East Great Falls!

539
00:41:21,399 --> 00:41:22,275
East Great Falls!

540
00:41:23,318 --> 00:41:25,445
East Great Falls!

541
00:41:25,528 --> 00:41:27,530
East Great Falls!

542
00:41:29,115 --> 00:41:30,825
Hey, hey...

543
00:41:30,909 --> 00:41:32,994
- Hey.
- What?

544
00:41:33,077 --> 00:41:35,663
- Are you really Scottish?
- Fuck, no.

545
00:41:36,664 --> 00:41:38,041
My mum made me learn an instrument.

546
00:41:38,124 --> 00:41:40,001
That's the most annoying one
I could think of.

547
00:41:40,084 --> 00:41:43,880
I think you were just born
to squeeze sacks and blow pipes, Stifler.

548
00:41:44,088 --> 00:41:45,423
Hey, Oscar.

549
00:41:50,136 --> 00:41:52,805
How many other Oscars
do you know? Go!

550
00:41:55,183 --> 00:41:57,602
- What's up?
- Your drum line sounds pretty tight.

551
00:41:57,685 --> 00:41:58,770
Oh, thanks.

552
00:41:58,853 --> 00:42:00,897
You let me know
if you want to learn some new moves.

553
00:42:01,105 --> 00:42:02,232
Really?

554
00:42:02,315 --> 00:42:05,026
- He's gonna screw it up.
- He's definitely gonna screw it up.

555
00:42:06,569 --> 00:42:10,823
- Thanks for winning those points back.
- I lost them. I had to get them back.

556
00:42:11,658 --> 00:42:14,744
Hey, guys,
Sheree's gonna show me some moves.

557
00:42:15,286 --> 00:42:16,371
Hey, gang...

558
00:42:16,454 --> 00:42:20,834
just a little reminder that as the battle
for the cup heats up, let's try to remember...

559
00:42:22,043 --> 00:42:25,588
to keep up that Tall Oaks spirit of fair play
and friendly competition.

560
00:42:26,381 --> 00:42:28,758
We'll have enough spit for a six-pack.

561
00:42:32,011 --> 00:42:34,973
- Yeah, baby, you did me proud, son.
- Thanks, J. Lo.

562
00:42:35,056 --> 00:42:36,516
It's cool. Big O?

563
00:42:36,891 --> 00:42:39,894
Quite a little show you put on
yesterday, Stifler.

564
00:42:40,061 --> 00:42:42,897
You know,
these plebes think you're some kind of hero.

565
00:42:42,981 --> 00:42:45,233
I don't know what a plebe is, Vande-creep.

566
00:42:45,316 --> 00:42:48,528
Didn't anybody tell you not to mess
with the big dog while he's eating?

567
00:42:48,611 --> 00:42:51,364
It's mine, jerk-wad.
Now will you give it back?

568
00:42:52,824 --> 00:42:56,077
- Dildos.
- This is still my camp, asshole.

569
00:42:56,327 --> 00:42:58,872
- You're going down.
- No, I'm not.

570
00:42:58,955 --> 00:43:00,081
But your mum did last night.

571
00:43:00,164 --> 00:43:03,501
Did she play the trumpet?
Because she has really strong lips.

572
00:43:03,751 --> 00:43:05,044
That's right.

573
00:43:20,727 --> 00:43:21,895
Yummy.

574
00:43:25,648 --> 00:43:27,650
That's what I'm talking about.

575
00:43:28,818 --> 00:43:31,779
- What happened this time, Claire?
- Well, I was working on my solo...

576
00:43:31,863 --> 00:43:33,323
and I hurt myself.

577
00:43:34,199 --> 00:43:36,034
I've been fucking poisoned.

578
00:43:37,327 --> 00:43:40,038
Ipecac is a natural herbal extract...

579
00:43:40,121 --> 00:43:43,166
that triggers the regurgitation reflex.

580
00:43:47,504 --> 00:43:50,215
Whatever's in there
should be out soon enough.

581
00:43:50,507 --> 00:43:52,258
Like him, if we're lucky.

582
00:43:54,260 --> 00:43:57,889
Well, I'm pretty sure
it's probably just something...

583
00:43:58,223 --> 00:44:02,602
you had for lunch, you know? I've got
the same problem. Very sensitive stomach.

584
00:44:03,228 --> 00:44:06,648
I was at a banquet once.
On the same plate, if you can believe it...

585
00:44:06,731 --> 00:44:11,945
they had creamed venison, squid fritters,
and jellied pork.

586
00:44:17,575 --> 00:44:18,701
What?

587
00:44:29,921 --> 00:44:32,632
- Hey, what's up, crust bucket?
- Come here, dude. Check this out.

588
00:44:32,715 --> 00:44:36,386
So, this afternoon, while the counselors
were practicing for the talent show...

589
00:44:36,469 --> 00:44:39,055
I faked an asthma attack,
and I changed both of the cameras.

590
00:44:39,138 --> 00:44:41,808
It's their talent show routine, au naturel.

591
00:44:42,183 --> 00:44:44,894
Dude, you filthy little cyberfucker. Shit.

592
00:44:45,728 --> 00:44:50,233
- Hey, I thought we were just going to watch.
- Exactly, we may want to watch it again.

593
00:44:55,530 --> 00:45:00,410
Hey, so, I took your advice about Chloe.
I used the Rover to deliver a soda.

594
00:45:00,994 --> 00:45:04,831
- That was your cool, crazy idea?
- Yeah, I think she actually liked it.

595
00:45:04,914 --> 00:45:07,959
- Yeah, that sounds gay.
- It's not gay.

596
00:45:09,502 --> 00:45:12,380
Anyway, there's
this bonfire-slushee party tonight...

597
00:45:12,463 --> 00:45:15,717
and I really need to know Step Two
in the Stiffmeister plan.

598
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:19,387
Slushee party. Really.

599
00:45:19,721 --> 00:45:21,306
Special delivery.

600
00:45:21,431 --> 00:45:23,183
Prepare to jam with the bearded clam.

601
00:45:24,434 --> 00:45:26,019
Get ready to cuddle the love puddle.

602
00:45:26,102 --> 00:45:29,439
The time has come for Dr. Robot to get laid.

603
00:45:29,647 --> 00:45:30,732
Get laid?

604
00:45:30,899 --> 00:45:33,568
I told you, trust the Stiffmeister.

605
00:45:33,818 --> 00:45:36,571
Meister means "master" in German.

606
00:45:37,488 --> 00:45:41,826
Get her drunk? That's the secret
of the ages? That's Step Number Two?

607
00:45:41,910 --> 00:45:46,873
No, actually, it's Step Four. You don't have
the balls for Two or the tongue for Three.

608
00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:48,541
I've got the balls.

609
00:45:49,083 --> 00:45:51,628
Hey, you haven't heard Step Five yet.

610
00:45:55,423 --> 00:45:59,093
Born to be wild

611
00:46:02,764 --> 00:46:06,434
Well, I'm hot blooded
Check it and see

612
00:46:06,809 --> 00:46:10,605
I've got a fever of 103

613
00:46:10,688 --> 00:46:13,483
Come on baby
Do you do more than dance?

614
00:46:15,276 --> 00:46:18,071
- This is some good shit.
- Don't enjoy it too much.

615
00:46:18,154 --> 00:46:21,616
- We have a big practice tomorrow, you guys.
- Relax, Leesy.

616
00:46:22,033 --> 00:46:25,245
Suckle the tender fruits
of Band Camp with your friends.

617
00:46:25,370 --> 00:46:29,165
Come on, Elyse. Cut loose a little bit.
Have some fun.

618
00:46:29,249 --> 00:46:30,583
I am having fun.

619
00:46:30,667 --> 00:46:33,670
Hey, horn dog, let's go get
some more of these before they run out.

620
00:46:33,753 --> 00:46:36,172
- All right.
- Horn dog?

621
00:46:36,256 --> 00:46:40,802
Yeah, it's his nickname. Dude will stick
his dick into anything. It's unnatural.

622
00:46:41,803 --> 00:46:45,682
Check it, dawg. This one time
at Band Camp, I fucked an oboe.

623
00:46:46,724 --> 00:46:49,102
- Really?
- Blow in it for a while...

624
00:46:49,185 --> 00:46:53,815
get that wood nice and warm,
slap on some valve oil and go to town, yo.

625
00:46:54,023 --> 00:46:56,192
Hey, maybe you should try a flute.

626
00:47:00,822 --> 00:47:03,324
Now's a good time
to teach you those moves.

627
00:47:03,408 --> 00:47:04,450
Really?

628
00:47:10,081 --> 00:47:11,249
What?

629
00:47:25,722 --> 00:47:27,098
I know what you're doing.

630
00:47:27,182 --> 00:47:31,311
- You do?
- It's what you always do. You're a fake.

631
00:47:31,561 --> 00:47:34,689
You do whatever it takes
to be the centre of attention.

632
00:47:34,772 --> 00:47:38,651
Just like when we were kids,
around me, you were regular old Matt...

633
00:47:38,985 --> 00:47:42,363
but around Steve and his friends,
you were the Stiffmeister.

634
00:47:43,489 --> 00:47:45,158
Who're you going to be tonight?

635
00:47:45,241 --> 00:47:46,868
Hey, cheese dick...

636
00:47:46,951 --> 00:47:51,414
why don't you quit being such a fucking
taint licker, and get me another slushee.

637
00:47:51,497 --> 00:47:53,458
Fucking puss monkey.

638
00:48:01,299 --> 00:48:03,885
You know what?
I am going to have some fun.

639
00:48:11,893 --> 00:48:15,021
Fucking hoes, man. I don't get that shit.

640
00:48:15,104 --> 00:48:19,025
I mean, right now, Oscar's off in the woods
tapping that counselor biatch, Sheree.

641
00:48:19,108 --> 00:48:21,903
- What's up with that?
- That cock spring is getting laid?

642
00:48:21,986 --> 00:48:24,989
True that. And here we are,
the two dopest homeboys in camp...

643
00:48:25,073 --> 00:48:29,369
and we ain't got no prospects
for our palm pilots. That's fucked up, dawg.

644
00:48:29,744 --> 00:48:31,788
Dude, I gotta see this.

645
00:48:35,416 --> 00:48:37,335
Use your hips more.
Hips, like that?

646
00:48:37,418 --> 00:48:41,339
Yeah, now faster. Yeah. Like that.
A circle. Like that.

647
00:48:41,422 --> 00:48:45,593
Crikey! The
alpha female has chosen an unlikely mate.

648
00:48:45,677 --> 00:48:48,304
Will he survive this dangerous encounter...

649
00:48:48,555 --> 00:48:52,976
or will she satisfy her primal needs
and then devour him for dinner?

650
00:48:53,268 --> 00:48:54,894
Stay tuned.

651
00:48:55,311 --> 00:48:59,190
I'm sorry. I'm really no good
at this stuff.

652
00:48:59,274 --> 00:49:01,359
Relax. You're doing fine.

653
00:49:04,737 --> 00:49:06,239
This sucks.

654
00:49:06,573 --> 00:49:09,117
How's that feel? Oscar.

655
00:49:09,701 --> 00:49:11,870
Is that your drumstick poking me?

656
00:49:13,037 --> 00:49:14,998
I don't have my drumsticks.

657
00:49:15,081 --> 00:49:17,876
Are you standing up for me again, Oscar?

658
00:49:18,418 --> 00:49:20,128
It's getting hot.

659
00:49:20,420 --> 00:49:23,339
Smack my ass and call me cowboy.

660
00:49:24,132 --> 00:49:26,342
Hello, Double-D Sheree.

661
00:49:26,801 --> 00:49:28,553
Hips. Hips.

662
00:49:28,803 --> 00:49:30,471
- Use your hips.
- Oh, yeah, hips.

663
00:49:30,555 --> 00:49:32,390
And step, and...

664
00:49:35,602 --> 00:49:36,728
Who knew?

665
00:49:37,770 --> 00:49:39,147
Wow.

666
00:49:42,108 --> 00:49:44,527
Yo, we at Tall Oaks
Sipping on juice

667
00:49:44,611 --> 00:49:46,905
Got horns, trumpets
Rhythm and flutes

668
00:49:46,988 --> 00:49:49,324
Great Falls laying it down

669
00:49:49,407 --> 00:49:51,951
Gonna ride fucking Beechwood
out of the town

670
00:49:52,035 --> 00:49:54,412
J.C., what, rocking the bunch

671
00:49:54,495 --> 00:49:57,582
All tripped out on the fucking fruit punch

672
00:50:01,002 --> 00:50:04,380
- I just want to be respectful.
- Oh, that's sweet.

673
00:50:04,631 --> 00:50:07,175
The only person who's gonna get laid
around here.

674
00:50:16,351 --> 00:50:18,394
Hello, oboe.

675
00:50:35,286 --> 00:50:37,038
This is so cool.

676
00:50:38,581 --> 00:50:42,919
I hope I didn't scare you
with the Rover and the soda.

677
00:50:43,044 --> 00:50:45,213
No, man, it was cute.

678
00:50:45,922 --> 00:50:49,509
Nobody's ever been that sweet to me
in my whole life.

679
00:50:50,093 --> 00:50:51,678
Plus, to be honest...

680
00:50:52,095 --> 00:50:55,223
metal really turns me on.

681
00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:24,169
Man, the shit's stuck.

682
00:51:48,693 --> 00:51:51,154
- Turn off the lights.
- Damn, gangsta.

683
00:51:51,279 --> 00:51:53,948
- I was just fucking with you, dawg!
- You... It's stuck.

684
00:51:54,032 --> 00:51:56,451
- Shit, you want help?
- Don't touch me.

685
00:51:57,994 --> 00:51:59,078
Come on.

686
00:51:59,829 --> 00:52:01,414
Maybe you should blow on it.

687
00:52:01,497 --> 00:52:03,208
Maybe you should blow on it
and I'll pull.

688
00:52:03,291 --> 00:52:05,460
Hell, no. Jimmy ain't putting his lips
on that thing.

689
00:52:05,543 --> 00:52:07,003
Jimmy should be a team player.

690
00:52:07,086 --> 00:52:09,339
Try and relax, dawg.
Not so hard.

691
00:52:09,422 --> 00:52:11,007
Oh, my God!

692
00:52:17,972 --> 00:52:21,476
- I was just trying to help him get it off, yo.
- Dude, shut up.

693
00:52:21,559 --> 00:52:22,685
Whatever.

694
00:52:22,769 --> 00:52:24,812
He had an allergic reaction to the valve oil.

695
00:52:24,896 --> 00:52:27,565
The swelling should go down
in a few minutes.

696
00:52:27,815 --> 00:52:31,945
These kinds of things would never happen
with our old Macro.

697
00:52:52,966 --> 00:52:55,802
We didn't have MTV when I was growing up.

698
00:52:57,136 --> 00:52:59,722
So maybe it's the over-stimulated times...

699
00:52:59,806 --> 00:53:03,935
that we live in
that causes young men to stick their...

700
00:53:04,644 --> 00:53:07,522
instruments in such odd places.

701
00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:11,025
I knew a certain young man once...

702
00:53:11,109 --> 00:53:14,404
who actually engaged in sexual congress
with an apple pie.

703
00:53:14,571 --> 00:53:16,447
And he turned out just fine.

704
00:53:16,990 --> 00:53:19,909
So, you're perfectly normal...

705
00:53:21,035 --> 00:53:22,620
as these things go.

706
00:53:40,972 --> 00:53:44,100
- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah.

707
00:53:44,184 --> 00:53:48,688
I'm so drunk right now.
I'm probably going to forget about you...

708
00:53:50,148 --> 00:53:52,233
porking an oboe.

709
00:54:01,326 --> 00:54:03,077
I have six piercings.

710
00:54:04,537 --> 00:54:07,081
That doesn't include the ones on my face.

711
00:54:20,595 --> 00:54:22,013
Two right here...

712
00:54:24,390 --> 00:54:27,435
and four down here.

713
00:54:39,155 --> 00:54:41,115
Haven't seen that in a while.

714
00:54:41,491 --> 00:54:46,538
Yeah, well, no time for dance.
It's all about band, band, band.

715
00:54:46,621 --> 00:54:48,623
No, I was talking about you having fun.

716
00:54:48,706 --> 00:54:52,252
- I have fun. I have fun all the time.
- Yeah.

717
00:54:52,335 --> 00:54:55,046
I just get stressed out, you know. I mean...

718
00:54:55,713 --> 00:54:57,924
we graduate next year, and I don't know.

719
00:54:58,007 --> 00:55:00,051
I mean, I don't really talk about it
all that much...

720
00:55:00,134 --> 00:55:03,096
because the cup is, like,
a team thing, and...

721
00:55:03,179 --> 00:55:06,307
But winning the Robards Scholarship,
I mean, that is like...

722
00:55:06,391 --> 00:55:08,101
my future, you know? And...

723
00:55:09,060 --> 00:55:11,896
Dr. Choi is coming. I mean...

724
00:55:12,063 --> 00:55:15,525
you don't understand. She's like famous...

725
00:55:15,984 --> 00:55:18,987
like holy-shit famous.
And, sometimes, I just...

726
00:55:20,029 --> 00:55:21,739
I get really stressed out...

727
00:55:21,823 --> 00:55:25,660
and I calm myself down
by going off and playing on my Picardo.

728
00:55:26,369 --> 00:55:29,080
Wait, you have... Picardo?

729
00:55:29,247 --> 00:55:31,833
It's just a cheapie, but I lost it.

730
00:55:32,166 --> 00:55:35,378
- Wait, if I somehow found this Picard thing...
- You found it?

731
00:55:35,628 --> 00:55:37,547
- Maybe.
- Give it back.

732
00:55:37,839 --> 00:55:39,382
If you let me watch.

733
00:55:40,341 --> 00:55:43,386
Okay, but it takes me a while to warm up.

734
00:55:43,469 --> 00:55:45,930
I have all the time in the world.

735
00:55:48,516 --> 00:55:49,601
Figures.

736
00:55:51,477 --> 00:55:54,063
But I'm going to have to be really drunk.

737
00:55:54,939 --> 00:55:58,276
I mean really drunk. Really drunk.

738
00:55:59,194 --> 00:56:00,236
Yes.

739
00:56:00,820 --> 00:56:02,322
Beat it, jerk off.

740
00:56:21,424 --> 00:56:23,760
Okay, people, let's take a break.

741
00:56:27,180 --> 00:56:29,307
We're all a little sluggish today.

742
00:56:31,100 --> 00:56:32,727
Man, we suck.

743
00:56:32,810 --> 00:56:36,356
Man, one night of fun was not worth
losing a whole day of practice.

744
00:56:40,068 --> 00:56:41,569
Give me this thing.

745
00:56:42,362 --> 00:56:44,948
All right, listen up,
you lazy bunch of lip shits.

746
00:56:45,031 --> 00:56:46,991
Those Beechwood plebes
aren't taking breaks.

747
00:56:47,075 --> 00:56:49,994
We want to win this thing,
we've gotta bust our asses.

748
00:56:50,328 --> 00:56:52,455
Come on, bitches. Back to work.

749
00:56:52,539 --> 00:56:55,333
- Matt, that's my job.
- Grab your cocks and move your socks.

750
00:56:55,416 --> 00:56:57,544
We're at war here, people, war!

751
00:56:57,627 --> 00:57:01,005
Show some tits. Grow some balls.
Hey, keep that thing warm for me.

752
00:57:01,089 --> 00:57:05,218
All right, now. What, you want to let
Beechwood tittie-fuck us? I didn't think so.

753
00:57:05,301 --> 00:57:06,636
All right, Tall Oakers...

754
00:57:06,719 --> 00:57:09,764
we're in our final week.
Time to put on our game faces.

755
00:57:09,848 --> 00:57:13,017
And time to strap yourselves in
for a bumpy ride.

756
00:57:13,101 --> 00:57:15,061
I want the oboe, clarinet, black thingies...

757
00:57:15,144 --> 00:57:17,939
and we've got the rhythm section
in a full-on blitz.

758
00:57:18,022 --> 00:57:20,191
- Are you with me, bandees?
- Yeah!

759
00:57:20,275 --> 00:57:23,069
Competition for the Tall Oaks Cup
is really heating up.

760
00:57:26,739 --> 00:57:28,241
Beechwood wins.

761
00:57:30,451 --> 00:57:31,494
Whatever.

762
00:57:31,578 --> 00:57:32,912
I told you, you should let me steer.

763
00:57:32,996 --> 00:57:34,664
Take that bitch home, man.

764
00:57:35,039 --> 00:57:39,419
Drive it in. Hey, you, fuck face,
I don't even know where to start with you.

765
00:57:46,259 --> 00:57:49,888
Beechwood leads.
Great Falls and Lloyd are tied for second.

766
00:57:49,971 --> 00:57:52,056
Beechwood licks nuts. Hut!

767
00:58:00,607 --> 00:58:02,859
Victory, East Great Falls.

768
00:58:06,237 --> 00:58:08,364
Right foot on line.

769
00:58:10,116 --> 00:58:12,160
Jimmy, you fucking lotion lover.

770
00:58:19,334 --> 00:58:21,961
East Great Falls by four points.

771
00:58:31,596 --> 00:58:33,431
Hey, butt pirates ahoy.

772
00:58:34,349 --> 00:58:37,852
Your little band
may be leading in the competition, Stifler...

773
00:58:39,270 --> 00:58:41,898
but make sure to let us know
if you get thirsty.

774
00:58:41,981 --> 00:58:44,234
Yeah, 'cause there's plenty of this.

775
00:58:49,572 --> 00:58:53,535
That's funny for you dorks.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? Yeah.

776
00:58:53,743 --> 00:58:56,371
Man, screw that challenge.
I'm just gonna kick his ass.

777
00:58:56,454 --> 00:58:58,623
No, wait. I've got a better idea...

778
00:58:59,541 --> 00:59:01,584
if you think you're man enough.

779
00:59:13,638 --> 00:59:14,681
Yes.

780
00:59:14,764 --> 00:59:17,934
- Hey, you sure you can do this?
- Hey, born to be a porn star, baby.

781
00:59:18,017 --> 00:59:19,519
Delivery on demand.

782
00:59:20,603 --> 00:59:23,648
When I get back,
I'll be a million Stiflers lighter.

783
00:59:43,751 --> 00:59:45,795
Brandon, I think you're
a really good drummer, so...

784
00:59:45,879 --> 00:59:46,963
Excuse me.

785
00:59:59,225 --> 01:00:00,560
Hey, guys...

786
01:00:00,643 --> 01:00:04,397
don't forget your sunscreen.
Your bodies are your instruments.

787
01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:06,566
Yeah, you don't want to be
chapped for your solos.

788
01:00:06,649 --> 01:00:08,985
No, we don't. Bye now.

789
01:00:14,240 --> 01:00:16,492
What is that, 30? It's really thick.

790
01:00:26,836 --> 01:00:28,755
How's that taste, Vande-cock?

791
01:00:29,339 --> 01:00:31,591
Good, huh? Warm and salty? Yeah.

792
01:00:31,674 --> 01:00:35,470
It's a cum-pletely new formula.
100% Stiffy juice...

793
01:00:35,553 --> 01:00:37,680
S.P.F. 69.

794
01:00:44,437 --> 01:00:45,688
Suck on that.

795
01:00:46,814 --> 01:00:48,441
- Yeah.
- Stop, man.

796
01:00:48,525 --> 01:00:50,235
- Yeah.
- Ernie.

797
01:00:50,318 --> 01:00:51,653
- Yeah.
- Ernie.

798
01:01:01,037 --> 01:01:03,665
What you had before
was way better than this.

799
01:01:03,748 --> 01:01:07,794
This sounds like
your overactive honor-society brain.

800
01:01:08,253 --> 01:01:12,048
Instead of your nasty, wet...

801
01:01:12,882 --> 01:01:14,384
dirty-girl panties.

802
01:01:15,301 --> 01:01:17,303
It should be more spontaneous.

803
01:01:20,265 --> 01:01:21,599
Stop.

804
01:01:21,683 --> 01:01:24,519
Maybe you should hang out
with your friend Matt a little bit more.

805
01:01:24,602 --> 01:01:25,645
Yeah, right.

806
01:01:25,728 --> 01:01:29,315
I know he's a dick and everything,
but he's also got one.

807
01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:33,695
Make some love music, you know?
And then your notes will just cum to you.

808
01:01:34,320 --> 01:01:37,532
- Oh, Matt!
- Stop.

809
01:01:37,740 --> 01:01:39,242
Matt. Matt.

810
01:01:42,453 --> 01:01:44,914
Go long, you asshole. Go.

811
01:01:45,707 --> 01:01:47,584
Hey, Elyse.

812
01:01:48,835 --> 01:01:50,795
Throw it back. Come on.

813
01:01:51,588 --> 01:01:53,047
What you got?

814
01:02:00,722 --> 01:02:02,098
Missed. Sorry.

815
01:02:03,725 --> 01:02:05,435
Hey, if I have to ring the triangle...

816
01:02:05,518 --> 01:02:07,437
- you have to throw the football, all right?
- Okay.

817
01:02:07,520 --> 01:02:09,397
Draw your arm back. There you go.

818
01:02:09,480 --> 01:02:13,234
Shoulder to your target. Right.
Okay, now step forward.

819
01:02:13,318 --> 01:02:15,737
Come on we're not marching. One foot.

820
01:02:15,820 --> 01:02:18,698
- Okay.
- You're fine. Ready? There you go.

821
01:02:18,948 --> 01:02:20,325
Draw the ball over your ear...

822
01:02:20,408 --> 01:02:23,578
and when you throw it, let it roll
right off your fingers, all right?

823
01:02:24,787 --> 01:02:25,914
Okay.

824
01:02:26,247 --> 01:02:27,707
Come on, throw it.

825
01:02:33,630 --> 01:02:35,423
See? I taught you something. What?

826
01:02:35,507 --> 01:02:38,009
So every time I throw it,
you're gonna run and go get it?

827
01:02:38,092 --> 01:02:39,844
That's generally how it works.

828
01:02:39,928 --> 01:02:41,763
Like playing fetch with my dog.

829
01:02:41,846 --> 01:02:45,642
- Yeah, except I don't lick my own balls.
- You would if you could.

830
01:02:45,975 --> 01:02:47,018
Oh, yeah.

831
01:02:48,645 --> 01:02:49,812
Okay, again.

832
01:02:50,772 --> 01:02:51,981
Right here.

833
01:02:53,191 --> 01:02:55,818
Look, that one looks like a bunny.

834
01:02:56,152 --> 01:02:58,071
No, it doesn't.

835
01:02:59,405 --> 01:03:01,491
Maybe a bunny with one nut.

836
01:03:01,699 --> 01:03:04,452
- No, that's its tail.
- Whatever you say.

837
01:03:07,830 --> 01:03:10,917
- You think we'll win this thing?
- Hell, yeah, we will.

838
01:03:11,042 --> 01:03:15,338
- Lf you write in a bagpipe part.
- Oh, God, I'll never make that mistake again.

839
01:03:15,421 --> 01:03:18,466
- What?
- The eighth grade recital.

840
01:03:19,509 --> 01:03:21,970
You made me write in a part for you.

841
01:03:24,264 --> 01:03:26,224
You wore your kilt.

842
01:03:27,600 --> 01:03:30,103
Yeah, Steve showed up with his friends.

843
01:03:30,728 --> 01:03:32,939
They gave me so much shit for that.

844
01:03:33,273 --> 01:03:35,650
I didn't come out of my room for days.

845
01:03:35,942 --> 01:03:39,153
You made it up to him
by stealing all my underwear...

846
01:03:39,237 --> 01:03:41,614
so you could run them up the flagpole.

847
01:03:42,574 --> 01:03:44,409
Including my training bras.

848
01:03:47,495 --> 01:03:50,123
Okay, since we're having
some big fucking Oprah moment here...

849
01:03:50,206 --> 01:03:52,250
I'm sorry about your underwear.

850
01:03:52,375 --> 01:03:54,002
And the diary.

851
01:03:56,754 --> 01:03:58,715
And all that other shit, too.

852
01:04:39,005 --> 01:04:40,131
That's it.

853
01:04:40,673 --> 01:04:43,551
- You started it.
- This is gonna get me that scholarship.

854
01:04:43,635 --> 01:04:44,677
What?

855
01:04:44,761 --> 01:04:47,430
I've got to go write this down
before I forget.

856
01:04:49,307 --> 01:04:50,683
Hey. Hey. Hey.

857
01:04:52,519 --> 01:04:54,562
Could we do this again tomorrow night?

858
01:04:54,646 --> 01:04:57,524
Yeah, sure. I'll see you here at sunset.

859
01:04:58,024 --> 01:04:59,359
Hey.

860
01:05:00,318 --> 01:05:02,779
Should I bring that Picardo thing?

861
01:05:02,862 --> 01:05:05,114
Okay, I'll do a solo for you.

862
01:05:15,291 --> 01:05:17,001
- What's up, Ernie?
- Hey.

863
01:05:36,020 --> 01:05:38,022
It was that fugly nurse again.

864
01:05:53,121 --> 01:05:54,956
Oh, my God.

865
01:05:55,039 --> 01:05:56,374
Matt Stifler?

866
01:05:57,125 --> 01:06:01,796
- Holy shit, look at you.
- Arrianna, what are you doing here?

867
01:06:01,880 --> 01:06:05,216
We practice our routine with the band.
What are you doing here?

868
01:06:05,300 --> 01:06:07,719
I had to come. The school made me.

869
01:06:08,678 --> 01:06:12,098
- Does anybody know about this yet?
- Oh, they do now.

870
01:06:13,141 --> 01:06:16,311
Hey, come on, no pictures.
What're you, the papa-tit-zzy?

871
01:06:16,394 --> 01:06:18,146
- Holy shit, this is so hilarious.
- Smile.

872
01:06:18,229 --> 01:06:22,066
Ladies. No time for fraternizing.

873
01:06:23,067 --> 01:06:27,155
Get the bags.
Guess I'll see you around, bandee.

874
01:06:27,322 --> 01:06:31,576
What a dork.
I'm going to email this to everybody.

875
01:06:53,932 --> 01:06:56,726
Girls, that was great. Percussion, take five.

876
01:06:56,809 --> 01:06:58,561
Horns, we've got to work on intonation.

877
01:06:58,645 --> 01:07:01,272
The final performance is tomorrow,
you guys.

878
01:07:02,106 --> 01:07:03,942
They're so lame.

879
01:07:04,943 --> 01:07:07,320
You play the triangle. How cute.

880
01:07:08,154 --> 01:07:11,324
No, I don't. Look, I told you...

881
01:07:11,991 --> 01:07:13,326
- I had to...
- I gotta go.

882
01:07:13,409 --> 01:07:16,746
- I don't socialize with bandees.
- I'm not a fucking bandee.

883
01:07:17,121 --> 01:07:20,792
I'm not. Look.
I've just been acting like a geek.

884
01:07:21,084 --> 01:07:24,045
I've been playing them
so I could get them on hidden video.

885
01:07:24,128 --> 01:07:27,674
I've been secretly videotaping them
doing all this crazy shit.

886
01:07:28,633 --> 01:07:31,636
- Really?
- Yeah, I could show you.

887
01:07:34,264 --> 01:07:36,599
Okay, come by after dinner.

888
01:07:37,100 --> 01:07:39,727
I'll leave my pompoms
in the window for you.

889
01:08:13,219 --> 01:08:15,930
- You're late.
- Yeah, no shit. Open the window.

890
01:08:19,267 --> 01:08:21,186
Hold on. Be careful with it.

891
01:08:30,278 --> 01:08:33,531
All right, one condition
before I show you the fruits of my labors.

892
01:08:33,615 --> 01:08:34,824
What's that?

893
01:08:35,158 --> 01:08:37,994
I want that picture
on that camera phone erased.

894
01:08:49,631 --> 01:08:52,759
Nobody at school hears
about the triangle or the beanie.

895
01:08:52,842 --> 01:08:55,470
I don't want anybody
to think I'm a dorky-ass bandee.

896
01:08:55,553 --> 01:08:57,388
Fine. Like, now can we get on with it?

897
01:08:57,472 --> 01:09:00,934
As soon as you get rid of that picture
of me on your phone.

898
01:09:15,323 --> 01:09:18,159
Are you going into town?
Not tonight. I'm too tired.

899
01:09:18,243 --> 01:09:20,870
Besides, they're much hotter here.

900
01:09:20,954 --> 01:09:23,873
I know. It's a great crop this year.

901
01:09:38,680 --> 01:09:42,600
- There. Done deal.
- Now can we see the video?

902
01:09:43,476 --> 01:09:45,103
Stiffmeister Productions...

903
01:09:45,186 --> 01:09:48,773
in association with
its talented new director, Matthew Stifler...

904
01:09:48,857 --> 01:09:50,859
is happy to premier the unedited...

905
01:09:50,942 --> 01:09:55,405
unfiltered, and un-fucking-believable
Bandeez Gone Wild.

906
01:09:56,739 --> 01:09:57,907
Oh, yeah.

907
01:10:02,161 --> 01:10:05,999
- Oh, my God.
- That is unbelievable.

908
01:10:28,646 --> 01:10:30,982
- You're kidding me, right?
- That's great.

909
01:10:32,442 --> 01:10:35,612
Danielle likes Jimmy,
but she's like a foot taller than him.

910
01:10:35,695 --> 01:10:37,155
And wait till you hear this.

911
01:10:37,238 --> 01:10:39,824
Sheree slept with that big Oscar guy,
the drummer.

912
01:10:39,908 --> 01:10:41,409
Said he was amazing.

913
01:10:41,993 --> 01:10:45,205
I hooked up with Brandon once.
Some drummer. He has...

914
01:10:45,288 --> 01:10:47,123
no rhythm,
and he can't even bang very long.

915
01:10:47,290 --> 01:10:49,083
Oh, my God. Are you serious?

916
01:10:49,167 --> 01:10:53,338
Yeah, he's a preemie. I'm not talking
about the day he was born, either.

917
01:10:54,380 --> 01:10:57,133
Can you get my back?
I think I got a little bit of sun today?

918
01:10:57,217 --> 01:10:58,259
Sure.

919
01:10:58,468 --> 01:11:01,387
Get this. He has one ball.

920
01:11:01,971 --> 01:11:04,307
No way.
One ball.

921
01:11:05,433 --> 01:11:08,394
Yeah, that why he carries that big stick
around everywhere.

922
01:11:08,478 --> 01:11:10,522
It's got his other ball on top.

923
01:11:13,733 --> 01:11:15,527
Shit, shit, oh, shit.

924
01:11:18,571 --> 01:11:20,073
What is that thing?

925
01:11:34,128 --> 01:11:35,463
Let's kill it.

926
01:11:36,881 --> 01:11:38,091
- Where'd he go?
- There he is.

927
01:11:38,174 --> 01:11:39,300
Look out.

928
01:12:19,215 --> 01:12:21,134
This is going into the lake.

929
01:12:22,177 --> 01:12:24,679
No one's gonna know
about your little video.

930
01:12:24,762 --> 01:12:27,390
'Cause the shit you got us doing on tape...

931
01:12:32,437 --> 01:12:36,107
So we got a contest to win tomorrow.
And I don't want to see you.

932
01:12:36,482 --> 01:12:37,650
Understand?

933
01:12:43,781 --> 01:12:45,200
Did you help him?

934
01:13:10,183 --> 01:13:11,851
With East Great Falls
in the lead...

935
01:13:11,935 --> 01:13:14,687
Beechwood has to win
the Band Camp Playoffs.

936
01:13:14,812 --> 01:13:17,023
Direct yourselves to the marching field
in one hour.

937
01:13:18,483 --> 01:13:21,861
Now, Dr. Choi, Brandon Vandecamp
from Beechwood...

938
01:13:21,945 --> 01:13:24,239
is our best musician by far...

939
01:13:24,322 --> 01:13:29,327
and his father, Landon,
is our best donor, also by far.

940
01:13:30,245 --> 01:13:34,499
Robards needs talented musicians
as much as we need talented donors.

941
01:13:41,965 --> 01:13:43,299
Ipecac.

942
01:13:45,677 --> 01:13:48,888
- So how's it going? Are you having fun?
- It's okay.

943
01:13:54,310 --> 01:13:56,521
How about some Ipecac, Vande-cooch?

944
01:13:59,440 --> 01:14:03,319
This herbal fucking extract will help you
Beechwood fief play in tune, huh?

945
01:14:04,863 --> 01:14:05,905
Shit.

946
01:14:15,373 --> 01:14:17,792
I told you
I don't want to see you anymore, Stifler.

947
01:14:17,876 --> 01:14:20,044
Some day, you'll thank me, asshole.

948
01:14:24,841 --> 01:14:27,552
- Orange?
- Again?

949
01:14:28,094 --> 01:14:30,138
- Damn.
- That orange shit is janky.

950
01:14:30,221 --> 01:14:32,140
I'm feeling grape, dawg.

951
01:14:35,018 --> 01:14:38,980
I don't care how many times they
won. They're not getting the grape today.

952
01:14:39,063 --> 01:14:41,441
That's what I'm talking about.

953
01:14:43,109 --> 01:14:45,987
Your five-time defending
champion...

954
01:14:46,613 --> 01:14:48,448
Beechwood Academy.

955
01:15:20,522 --> 01:15:23,775
- They're tight.
- Yeah, they're better then ever this year.

956
01:15:23,858 --> 01:15:25,318
Okay, everybody.

957
01:15:25,818 --> 01:15:28,029
It's no surprise Beechwood is good.

958
01:15:28,404 --> 01:15:31,950
But this year is different.
This year, we can beat them.

959
01:15:32,867 --> 01:15:36,079
We've worked hard,
and we are good enough...

960
01:15:36,162 --> 01:15:38,748
and this is our time, so lets win the cup.

961
01:15:38,831 --> 01:15:40,834
Yeah!

962
01:16:15,743 --> 01:16:17,453
Beechwood Academy.

963
01:16:17,537 --> 01:16:21,082
Their music today was composed
by senior drum major...

964
01:16:21,165 --> 01:16:23,126
Brandon Vandecamp.

965
01:16:23,293 --> 01:16:24,419
Beat that.

966
01:16:27,380 --> 01:16:30,925
East Great Falls,
you may enter the field for competition.

967
01:16:48,234 --> 01:16:51,404
Band 10 hut. One, two, ready.
Shit.

968
01:16:51,487 --> 01:16:53,072
Leesy, wait, no.

969
01:16:53,156 --> 01:16:55,200
No. Wait.

970
01:17:05,502 --> 01:17:07,837
You know, I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened.

971
01:17:07,921 --> 01:17:10,089
Not my shoes. Here we go.

972
01:17:14,928 --> 01:17:16,012
Stifler!

973
01:17:33,863 --> 01:17:36,115
You know, you're like
your brother, Steve.

974
01:17:36,199 --> 01:17:39,827
And I don't think those are the shoes
you should be so eager to fill.

975
01:17:39,911 --> 01:17:42,997
You know, the people
Steve thought were his friends...

976
01:17:43,122 --> 01:17:45,750
- really didn't like him very much.
- What?

977
01:17:45,834 --> 01:17:47,293
But I think you're different.

978
01:17:47,377 --> 01:17:51,631
I think people want to like you, Matt.
You just make it really hard.

979
01:18:05,979 --> 01:18:09,858
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
When you're a loser.

980
01:18:16,406 --> 01:18:20,702
Mr. Levenstein reports
that there were a few incidents...

981
01:18:20,785 --> 01:18:22,078
at camp.

982
01:18:22,579 --> 01:18:25,081
But he also says that...

983
01:18:25,206 --> 01:18:28,960
you bonded with the band briefly.

984
01:18:33,006 --> 01:18:37,260
When school starts,
you're going to be on a very short leash.

985
01:18:37,468 --> 01:18:41,222
Remember, the Shermanator sees it all.

986
01:18:42,599 --> 01:18:43,892
Be gone.

987
01:18:48,813 --> 01:18:51,024
Did everybody hate my brother?

988
01:19:02,368 --> 01:19:05,997
Stardate: August 21, 2005.

989
01:19:06,581 --> 01:19:08,958
Some progress made with Stiffy Junior.

990
01:19:09,375 --> 01:19:11,836
Behavior modification evident.

991
01:19:13,296 --> 01:19:15,048
Will continue to monitor.

992
01:19:15,673 --> 01:19:17,926
Shermanator out.

993
01:19:29,062 --> 01:19:31,523
A little "Double-D Sheree" action.

994
01:19:36,110 --> 01:19:37,987
Little bit of Dr. Robot.

995
01:19:39,822 --> 01:19:41,324
Crazy fucker.

996
01:20:49,517 --> 01:20:50,852
Hey, Stifler, where's your instrument?

997
01:20:50,935 --> 01:20:52,145
Dude, you're in the wrong uniform.

998
01:20:52,228 --> 01:20:55,023
Screw them, dude. They're gonna freak out
when they see the video.

999
01:20:55,106 --> 01:20:57,317
Look, we thought that if we had
an advance screening...

1000
01:20:57,400 --> 01:20:59,485
then everyone would see
that you're not really a dork.

1001
01:20:59,569 --> 01:21:01,946
I can't. It's gone.

1002
01:21:02,989 --> 01:21:06,159
- What?
- The video, man, I deleted it.

1003
01:21:07,160 --> 01:21:08,203
Why?

1004
01:21:09,120 --> 01:21:11,789
Guess little bro's quitting
the family business.

1005
01:21:11,873 --> 01:21:13,374
Are you kidding me?

1006
01:21:16,920 --> 01:21:18,838
He went fucking bandee on us.

1007
01:21:35,230 --> 01:21:36,773
Hey, what's up, guys?

1008
01:21:37,565 --> 01:21:39,526
You a dead man, motherfucker.

1009
01:21:40,318 --> 01:21:42,320
- You, too, little man.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

1010
01:21:42,654 --> 01:21:46,533
Dude, the purple puke was an accident.
Somebody switched the coolers.

1011
01:21:51,246 --> 01:21:53,456
Hey, that orange shit is janky, yo.

1012
01:21:54,165 --> 01:21:59,003
Chloe, we never saw Elyse,
you know, naked.

1013
01:21:59,754 --> 01:22:01,714
Matt turned off the computer.

1014
01:22:02,590 --> 01:22:05,176
So we're just supposed to forgive him now?

1015
01:22:06,261 --> 01:22:08,972
- He's still an asshole.
- You're right.

1016
01:22:09,973 --> 01:22:11,307
I am an asshole.

1017
01:22:11,724 --> 01:22:13,977
I can't take back spying on you...

1018
01:22:14,060 --> 01:22:16,437
and I can't win that Bandee Cup thing.

1019
01:22:16,563 --> 01:22:19,440
But I can help someone
get what she deserves.

1020
01:22:20,275 --> 01:22:22,443
I'm not asking you to forgive me.

1021
01:22:22,652 --> 01:22:25,238
Just help me help Elyse.

1022
01:22:36,165 --> 01:22:38,626
- I got the number.
- Go ahead.

1023
01:22:38,710 --> 01:22:42,255
555-0171.

1024
01:22:44,257 --> 01:22:47,010
He shouldn't have been dumping Ipecac
in anyone's cooler.

1025
01:22:47,093 --> 01:22:48,928
We could've won on our own.

1026
01:22:51,222 --> 01:22:55,518
I don't even care that he saw me on camera.
Well, I mean I do, but...

1027
01:22:56,603 --> 01:22:58,855
Honey, this just came for you.

1028
01:23:02,609 --> 01:23:04,068
It's from Robards.

1029
01:23:05,528 --> 01:23:06,821
What's it say?

1030
01:23:08,573 --> 01:23:11,159
Dr. Choi wants to meet with me?

1031
01:23:29,010 --> 01:23:31,012
- Okay.
- Okay.

1032
01:23:31,221 --> 01:23:33,139
- Okay.
- Okay.

1033
01:23:34,807 --> 01:23:35,892
Bye.

1034
01:23:52,116 --> 01:23:54,536
Hi. Elyse Houston.

1035
01:23:55,745 --> 01:23:58,498
I have an appointment with Dr. Choi.

1036
01:23:59,582 --> 01:24:03,169
- You're not in the book.
- No, there must be some mistake. See...

1037
01:24:05,129 --> 01:24:06,506
I have a letter.

1038
01:24:12,011 --> 01:24:13,888
This letter is, well...

1039
01:24:14,681 --> 01:24:15,890
It's a fake.

1040
01:24:16,391 --> 01:24:19,310
- This is not Dr. Choi's signature.
- What?

1041
01:24:32,532 --> 01:24:33,658
Stifler.

1042
01:24:37,453 --> 01:24:39,706
You son of a bitch.

1043
01:24:41,374 --> 01:24:45,753
What? It wasn't enough
for you to humiliate me at Band Camp?

1044
01:24:45,837 --> 01:24:48,506
Now you have to set me up here?

1045
01:25:08,943 --> 01:25:10,653
What's going on here?

1046
01:25:12,113 --> 01:25:13,573
This is my band.

1047
01:25:14,032 --> 01:25:15,909
And that's her music.

1048
01:26:14,217 --> 01:26:15,260
Well...

1049
01:26:15,844 --> 01:26:19,556
I've certainly seen some interesting attempts
to gain admission...

1050
01:26:20,223 --> 01:26:21,850
but this is a first.

1051
01:26:23,393 --> 01:26:27,605
Excellent audition, Miss. Houston.
Let's go discuss that scholarship.

1052
01:26:29,065 --> 01:26:30,567
I thought Brandon won.

1053
01:26:30,650 --> 01:26:33,987
No, Mr. Vandecamp
was disqualified for plagiarism.

1054
01:26:34,070 --> 01:26:35,196
All right.

1055
01:26:37,407 --> 01:26:39,450
That's what I'm talking about, yo.

1056
01:26:43,621 --> 01:26:45,999
Oh, my God, you guys, that was amazing.

1057
01:26:46,583 --> 01:26:50,628
- Thank you so much.
- Thank him. It was his idea.

1058
01:26:50,712 --> 01:26:51,754
Word.

1059
01:26:54,549 --> 01:26:58,178
- You planned all this?
- With some friends.

1060
01:27:01,097 --> 01:27:02,390
Come here.

1061
01:27:07,020 --> 01:27:09,397
Oh, I believe this is yours.

1062
01:27:10,815 --> 01:27:11,983
You know...

1063
01:27:12,692 --> 01:27:16,738
Picardo is a brand of piccolo.

1064
01:27:17,697 --> 01:27:20,033
You really are an asshole sometimes...

1065
01:27:20,450 --> 01:27:21,492
Stiffy.

1066
01:30:42,819 --> 01:30:44,612
Man, change the channel, yo.

1067
01:30:44,821 --> 01:30:47,866
Hook a brother up with some mad beats.

1068
01:30:48,116 --> 01:30:49,784
Will you cut that out?

1069
01:30:50,285 --> 01:30:52,412
Your name is James Hi Ping Chong.

1070
01:30:52,537 --> 01:30:54,205
Your dad owns a Chinese restaurant.

1071
01:30:54,289 --> 01:30:56,916
You live in the suburbs.
You ain't never gonna be a gangsta.

1072
01:30:57,542 --> 01:30:58,585
Damn!

1073
01:31:01,254 --> 01:31:02,380
That's cold, dawg.