TLDR at the bottom

So basically over the last 4-6 months I've had very little to no motivation to do any speedruns, or really stream in general. I always say I'm going to do a stream, then end up either not doing it, or only doing it for like 30 minutes or something before stopping. I think I know a few reasons why I do this, and how I want to work on fixing them.

1) Perfectionism-
I am by no means an amazing runner at TTYD or anything else, far from it in fact. But at the same time, I want to be. I used to spend hours upon hours practicing this game, basically all my free time, and yet it seems/ed like it just never pays off, and I would always screw up in runs. This is super demoralizing to me, because I invest all that time so that I can be good, and I'm just not. I want to remedy this by basically bootcamping my games. 4-8 hour practice streams on week days, really give me a chance to just grind a game and hang out with chat. I think by doing a focused practice, as opposed to just whenever I may have free time to practice, I can more easily retain the skills I gain. I wouldn't be able to do this every day, probably 2-3 days a week, and runs on the days I'm not doing it, but I think it will be a major help towards where I want to be in terms of skill.

2) Time-
This is another big factor for me, and it's the time it takes for my runs. Most of the runs I do clock in around 3-5 hours, depending on the game. This itself I don't mind. but the problem is that I sometimes have a hard time retaining attention for that long. I always think "I could be doing things with friends right now, or playing something else, etc" and it makes me not want to finish. There's no real way for me to fix this, I just have to suck it up and accept that I can't do speedrunning if I'm not willing to actually DO speedrunning. Some people may suggest to just run shorter games, but I don't think that's the point. I love TTYD as a speedrun, and I don't want to drop it just because of the length.

3) New Community Members-
This one is gonna make me sound a bit conceited I know, but it's honesty. I don't like when new runners join the game and immediately start having way more success than me. It makes me incredibly upset when I've invested almost 3 years into this game, and then someone comes along and has a top time within a month. It just feels unfair, and while I don't want to discourage new runners from joining the community at all, or to dissuade them from running the game, I wish there was a way for me to not feel like this about new runners. TTYD surged in popularity after SGDQ, with weekly races being incredibly attractive to new comers. I don't know, maybe I just need to get over myself and accept that people are gonna always be better than me.

This is basically everything I wanted to say, but now that I've gotten it off my chest I feel like I can finally move forward. It's good to put your problems down on paper and fully acknowledge them, as opposed to just keeping them inside. Anyway if you want to say anything about this, feel free to tell me, I'd love to hear some thoughts. Thanks for reading.

TLDR:
I'm too pent up on being the best, and when that doesn't happen it makes me demoralized. I will start doing focused practice sessions as opposed to sporadic ones, and I need to get over the fact that new people are gonna be better than me.