Thread 33: Stories 31-45

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Cheese Sandwich
"Mr. Foalington"

>Okay, so the order of business today, routine maintenance, figure out who keeps mugging the popcorn vendors, hire some teenagers with a talking dog -preferably adult- to suss out that haunting problem in the Hall of the Future, find a way to convince the anons to let me sing a song from Al's new album, Mandatory Fun, available on CD and iTunes, buy it now-!

A brick from seemingly nowhere bonks him on the head.

>Ow! Aw come on, one little plug! Oh...and also find those thieves that hit the Lazer Tag before that Foalington guy...lady...monster does. Note to self: Only do promotional events with faceless corporate juggernauts when they aren't ACTUALLY faceless. Hopefully that jerk doesn't find them fir-

A chill runs down Cheese's spine.

>Speak of Cthulhoof, am I right?

"?stemleh ruo era erehW"

>I'm WORKING on it!

The hallway shudders.

>Hey hey hey! I'll tolerate the bad-touch to my brain, but don't you dare damage the park, you hear me?

"*Sounds of a million mourning doves*"

>Apology accepted, now what do you want?

"*Crashing of waves against a bulwark made of living infant beavers*"

>You figured out who stole your helmets?

"WHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

>Three figures in Pink, Blue, and Green armor? Interesting...wait, those are the same guys who got into the park without tickets!

Foalington begins to levitate, an azure portal appearing below him, sickly grey tentacles beginning to spew forth.

>Whoa whoa whoa, keep it PG-13!

The tentacles disappear, the hooded pony lands.

"*Sounds of distressed dolphins*"

>I'll talk to security, okay? Just, I dunno, have fun.

"HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH!"

>You EAT fun? Like literally?

Foalington nods.

>Wow.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Non-canon
~~~
"Hey, Chrysalis?" A voice pierced the darkness.

It was a familiar one. It belonged to that Shining Armor fellow.

"Hey, you okay there?" His tone was full of such surprising concern given circumstances. But it was just a testament of how far things have come.

"I'm quite alright, thank you." She replied, not quite ready to leave yet and instead had hoped to enjoy a bit of time for herself. Chrysalis always has such fun, it made her envious.

Shining Armor quirked a brow. "You've been really quite lately... And formal in your language."

The small one, Two, came back from the breakfast table with a heaping plate of waffles, pancakes, whipped cream, and fruits.

And one look at her made Two's beaming expression become curious.

"Shiny? Who-"

She made a 'shhh' gesture and a gave a sly smile.

But Shining seemed suspicious already. "Who what, Two?"

"Uhhh... Who will help me get my other plate? I left it at the breakfast buffet!"

Smooth. it was a terrible thing to say, but she still was a changeling it seemed.

"Right... Well, I'll go get it." Shining offered and slowly got up, eying the Queen across from her suspiciously before finally leaving.

Two gingerly hopped up to her seat with her plate and pushed a bit of the food towards the guest. "So... Whats yer name?"

She chuckled. "It's nothing important. But..." She looked around. "You do know me." She leaned in close to Two and whispered. "Chrysalis has told you a lot about me in bedtime stories."

Two's eyes lit up. "Momsie?!"

She laughed and sushed at the same time. "You must keep quiet, I want to try to avoid interfering with things."

"But what are you doing here?"

"Oh, an old mare just wants to have a little fun. I'll let Chrysalis come back now, but I'll be close to the surface. And you can always find me in the Hivemind." Affectionately, 'Momsie' leaned in and kissed Two on the cheek.

And then fell face first into a bowl of whipped cream, sending Shining rushing over and Two into hysterics.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

REALLY non-canon
>Shining Armor
"Sombra"
'Two'
~~~
>Sooo... Are you gonna show us the new golem body you've been working on? C'mon on out, big guy, we've all been wanting to see this.

Sombra steps out, looking almost nothing like his old self

"I am the white void. I am cold steel. I am the just sword. With blade in hoof I shall reap the sins of this world and cleanse it in the fires of destruction! I am-"

'Really silly looking!'

Two hops up on his back

"I- Uhh... Thank you."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>32
{Other!32}
[???]

32 sits alone in the desert of his mind, there had been no rest in the night, only a procession of more and more scenarios of could-have-been's and never-were's. He had died countless times, survived precious few, conquered even less. All through it the voice of his past self taunted and made callous observations at his many disparate fates, heaping derision on every decision, noting every failure, gloating of its inevitable victory.

{Oh would you look at that? We're out of scenarios. I have all the possible information I require to supplant you and bring this body back from the brink!}

>Why?

{...why what?}

>Why are you doing this to me?

{Is it not obvious? I've monologued about it ad inifinitum since we started! You do bad job, I will do good job. It's as simple as that.}

>What is your plan?

{Again, were you not listening? I'm going to repent repent repent, secure my release, and assist her majesty in her efforts to bring about a new golden age!}

>What efforts?

{...you're kidding, right? All of what she's been doing! All that you've been so foolishly attempting to stop! I'll bring her plots to fruition and bring down ponykind to what it should be, our food!}

>Heh...waste of time...

32 smiles sadly.

{What are you talking about now?}

>All this time, I thought her some plotting genius, a wolf in a slightly less intimidating wolf's clothing, a...an evil mastermind. But this, all of these scenarios? Your descriptions of how the Queens are supposed to be? I've realized it now. She's nothing like I thought...

{Aha, so you see reason?}

>...she's just a goddamned fucking moron with too much time on her hands!

{WHAT!?}

32 starts to laugh, it feels good to laugh.

>She's going to hound Shining Armor for the rest of his days, trying to get the love he saves for his wife, meanwhile, the rest of us, the mortals, will fall. Not by starvation, no. Ohhhh no, but by erosion, by that simple undeniable foe called Time. We will drop like the bugs we are, one by one, unable to meaningfully increase our numbers. I will fall, my brother will fall, buckethead will fall, that shrew who does the paperwork will fall, even sweet little Two and that ass-obsessed idiot will fall. EVERYONE WILL DIE AND WE WILL GO EXTINCT! ...except for her. She will live forever, selfishly going on and on for eternity. Possibly even past that fool Armor's expiration date. Oh yes, she will mourn, but she'll bounce back, she always does, nothing keeps her down for long.

A tear wells up in his eye.

>We are a dying race, we always have been...so please, please take this life from me. Because you will change NOTHING! Hell, your busybody attitude may just make her kill us faster and we will be done with all of this!

32 plants his seat in the sand.

>I await the end.

{...Then I will give it to you. Have fun in this desert, for you will walk it for eternity! It is all a traitor like you deserves, now goodbye!}

32 feels the presence of his other self leave him, he sighs and lies down on the hot sand, feeling his body bake under the sun.

[You're wrong, you know.]

>What?

The voice in his head is familiar...friendly....

Youthful.

[You heard me. Change is possible, it always is and always has been. Just not in the way he thinks, you can't go back to a failed strategy and try it again, that's the definition of madness! Nope, you gotta try a different tactic, like, say, NOT trying to murder a Queen ya big dummy! Sheesh, that was just suicide.]

32 blinks, that speech came out like one giant sentence, as though spoken by someone who'd been waiting a long time to say it and just wanted to put it out there.

>...and who are you?

[Let's call me an interested third party, eh? One that doesn't want this body under that dickhead's control. Went through it once, never again!]

>I...

[Whoops, his attention's swinging back this way, I'll come back later, promise!]

>Wait who-!?

{WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!?}

>...no one. Just...myself.

{Oh ha ha ha, clever. That sharp wit of ours has to go, it's more trouble than its worth. A nice obedient monotone will be a worthy change of pace...}

The other 32's voice recedes, extolling the virtues of a level voice. 32 Prime just looks at the sky, wondering what comes next?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>18
"Chrysalis"
'42'
~~~~~~

>ZZZZZzzzzmmmm... oh yeah... I'll lick it off... I'll lick it alllllll off...

"MANSLAMDAMNMA'AM!"

>GAHHHH!... FUCK YOU, I WAS SLEEPING IN!... and dreaming of things in while sleeping...

"..."

>In me, I mean-

'18!'

>LET ME DREAM LOVE-DAMN YOU!... No, literally, it's all I have. If Luna put an embargo on those, I'd kill you all, no joke. Just jumping up, getting the heaviest artillery I could and BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM! Head shot! Killing Spree! Rampaaaage!

'...'

"HAH! Aahhh, I feel like that sometimes, too. Not you guys, though, I'd probably lock you all up in the Empire and just go banananut crazy on Canterlot. Not like they could stop me. ZAP!"

'...Worrying.'

>Oh, like you've never secretly wanted to kill everyone everywhere.

'I have not, no.'

"Weirdo."

>Honestly, there must be something wrong with her.

'I uh...'

"Whatever! 18, get your pink ass out of bed, we're grabbing Shiny and having us a night on the town!"

'It's daytime.'

"Expression, idiot."

>What, not going to run off with Maney again?

"Naahhh, made sure she arrived safe and sound last night, she'll be fine."

>Fine, but why did you say I have a pink... Am I disguised!?

"Was that not intentional?"

>No!

'...Worrying.'

>It... it probably doesn't mean anything.

"Who cares if it does, OUT!"

*CRASH!*

'...'

"...Whoops.'

'Think she'll land okay?'

"We're not that high up."

>YOU ASSHOLE!

"See? She can fly. Problem solved itself."

'...'

"...Shut up."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Screwloose
“AJ12”
________

>…

“…Um, is there a… problem?”

>I’d say so. Two, as a matter of fact, but we’ll start with the first one. What in the hell is that you’re holding?

“What am I…? It’s a donut, Screws, I, uh… I brought it for you. From my other job, I mean.”

>Call me ‘Screws’ one more time and you’ll be choking on my hoof- and no, not in an erotic way, you pervert.

“Right, because I so totally want to-”

>I know you do, but back to the matter at hand, why this… dough-knot…?

“Donut, Screwloose. Donut. It’s this round this in my hoof, with the glaze. How do you not know what a donut is? It’s like, the perfect treat!”

>Our views on the prefect treat differ greatly, pervert. A perfect treat to me would be a blood-cleansed operating table, a fresh linen cloth and a new subject to experiment on. Gagged, of course, because the screaming can get annoying, especially after the first cut.

“…”

>You’re turning green. How cute.

“L-look, do you want the stupid thing or not?”

>No, my mommy told me never to accept gifts from strange perverts.

“I AM NOT A-”

>But the real reason is that sugar does weird things to me, so I avoid it like a strain of the epona virus, which I think I still have in my lab….

“Fine, I’ll… I’ll just eat it for myse-”

>You’re staring at my hooves again. Is that your fetish or something?

“THAT WAS A DOWNWARDS STARE OF DISAPPOINTMENT, DAMN YOU! THE FACT THAT YOUR HOOVES JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN MY LINE OF SIGHT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT!”

>Hm. I say you’re lying.

“GRRRRGH!”

>But ignoring all of that, with me hugging myself like this how do you expect me to eat that death-inducing roll of dough? I know my hooves are sexy, yes, but you can’t expect me to eat with them like a common monkey. Or… do you? Is that a part of your kink? Watching mares eat with their-

“OH MY GOD SHUT UP! I WAS GOING TO FEED IT TO YOU!”

>Oh. Well then, you may. Here, aaaaaah….

“…”

>What’s the matter? Your jaw tightened and your face is all red… oh, silly me, I was kind of drooling, wasn’t I? Tongue flopping out, panting in anticipation, just waiting for you to fill my mouth with that hot… delicious… treat….

“…”

*SLAM!*

>You know, I think I’m beginning to like him.

[I think you just like fucking with him.]

>Maybe not now, but in the future, possibly.

[…]

>PFFFFHAHAHAHAHA YOU SHOULD SEE THE LOOK ON YOUR DEAD FACE! Hoooohahaha, I still got it!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>29
"MM"
'Trixie'
[Zecora]
~~~~~

>So, where unto art we to traverse, my companions? Another ride so thrilling? Another game so mirthful?

"I don't know. You guys want to split up again and meet at night like-GAH!"

>DON'T LEAVE ME AGAIN!

'...29, Trixie is confused, is something wrong?'

>...Noooo...

[Your words you speak do not match what I see. You are clinging to that poor mare as little 56 would cling to the rear on me.]

>I just, uh... don't want to get separated, you know? Was a search so far and wide to solve a simple task unto yesterdays morn, and I would rather not repeat such a day.

"I have the feeling there's more to this."

>I... maaaayyyy have met a couple patrons of those once known unto me, and found myself too changed to reconnect with them as kin.

'They called you an asshole, didn't you?'

>NO!

["'...'"]

>...Not all of them!

[Oh, 29! Why did you not simply say so. Of course we will stay with you as you go.]

"Yeah, come on! What are friends for, if not to be there when a brawl breaks out and sweep the leg."

'...'

"...I was INSANE in college."

>I uh...

"You don't have to use the sexy talk."

>...thanks...

[No thanks needed, we are more than happy to be here. Come my friends, let us find something to really make us cheer!]

'Trixie would actually like more accolades, and possible a bouquet of roses.'

"You didn't say anything."

'But she did not rush off and laugh at his pain, that is worth more than any gold.'

"...Do we have to bring Trixie?"

'YOU DO NOT GET TO LEAVE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE BEHIND!'

>Apparently, yes.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

non-canon

>AJ
"Chrysalis"
~~~
>Look, Ah git ya didn' pull tha trigger, Chrysalis, but if we wanna keep protectin' tha hive, ya'll need to step down as queen.

"No! Go fuck yourself on your brother's inbred dick! I shouldn't have to do jack shit! I did jack shit and now everyone wants my head on a pike just because!"

>People 're idiots like that, ya'll should know that from yer own hive.

"Well that's their problem! That's your problem, not mine!"

>Why're ya'll so stubborn 'bout this?!

"Fuck yourself, I don't have to explain a damn thing to you anymore!"

>Ah'm tryin' ta help!

"No, you're not. You just want me out of the picture to place some puppet Queen."

>What? Why would Ah-

"Because not a single one of you have liked me from day one! Because none of you understand how changeling society or culture works-"

>Ya never explain to us how it works.

"And I shouldn't have to! I shouldn't have to change for your stupid laws or cultural comforts either! I am a Queen of the Hive, the last queen! I AM FUCKING PERFECT IN EVERY WAY, AND YOU'RE THE SHIT STAINS ON MY BATHROOM FLOOR!"

>... That how ya'll honestly feel? That ya should never compromise?

"I've compromised enough! I'm tired of being forced to bow, forced to apologize, forced to bend over backwards and let everyone else feel superior. After I leave this room, my hive goes to war and you will never see us on the battlefield because we will be in your ranks of soldiers, in your cities and towns, in your homes, IN YOUR BED WITH KNIVES DRAWN!"

>Chrysalis, please, jus'-

"No."

>... To war.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>???
______

>Dear Princess Applejack

>Recently, I came to you with a problem, a problem that spans the entirety of Ponyville at large.

>And while I realize that my demands at the time were a bit… cruel and unusual, I still stand by them to some degree.

>But I’m not here to ask for the same thing twice. No, this time I’m writing to let you know that I’m slipping.

>Slipping how?

>Well, mentally.

>I understand that it’s up to the pony in question if they want to take the necessary measures to sustain proper dental hygiene- believe me, I do. And sure, sometimes when you first wake up or when you're going to bed after a long and weary day the last thing you want to do is brush your teeth.

>BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD JUST FUCKING IGNORE IT FOR DAYS ON END!

>…Sorry about that… no eraser… but anyway, I can understand a few slips here and there, like say, thrice a month, but these ponies, MY patients… for some of them it’s like they’ve never heard of a toothbrush!

>I do my part, too! I give them the coupons I get in the mail, ones for automatic brushes, plague-illuminating toothpaste, discounts for repeat visits… and not a ONE of them takes advantage of my offers!

>I'm convivial, I’m outgoing, I WANT to see them smile without mistaking their teeth for chunks of butter! But they. Won’t. Let me. Help them!

>So I’m writing this as a warning that one of your citizens is nearing her breaking point in the patience department, Princess. It’s taking all that I have not to slip with the drill when I’m fixing cavities that wouldn’t be there if they’d just listen to me….

>Sincerely yours,

>Colgate
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

non-canon humor
~~~
Despite her best hopes, there had been a battlefield, but like her predictions, it had not been a battle but a terrible massacre.

There was only so much 42 and 77 could have done to make things up, and now, they lie dead in the dirt with her, damned because of their own loyalty. Too many others were in too many pieces to count, but in hindsight, the suicide bombers were not her best idea. There were still plenty of dead ponies and dead traitor changelings, so that was a plus to her. She still kept PotatoeJack's skull around her neck as a trophy and a message of what becomes to the unfaithful. (Though she sorely wished she had saved that place for Glimmer's husband)

A shadow blocked the sun from her sight and the gleam of Charity filled her gaze. "What do you have to say for all this?" Spike's voice spoke with a trembling rage.

after several seconds of choking, wheezing silence, Chrysalis responded with her last words: "The aristocrats."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Fair enough. The real question is, if Shiny ended up taking a (magic) bullet (that kills anything and pierces barriers for the hell of it. also makes sharks grow in the victim's body) for one of his princesses, how would each of us write Shining's plot armor kicking in?

For me it would be...
~~~
That single instant as the bullet touched Shining Armor's magical shield, that instant the tip began to rip through the barrier like it was nothing and move closer and closer towards his head, a million thoughts and memories played before his mind, a storm in an ocean, but beneath the waters, something was rising.

He didn't see Chrysalis or anyone else screaming out for him.

He didn't his own eyes flood with a golden light or a wondrous mark etch itself into his head in equal golden splendor.

he didn't even see the bullet anymore.

He didn't need to.

In a swift action, Shining armor punched the bullet away, leaving it to harmlessly smash against the wall before leaping a few miles towards the would be assassin who now trembled as what stood before him was more terrifying than the irate princesses he had prepared himself for.

He now faced Shining Armor: Solar Exalted of the Dawn Caste, and Champion of the Unconquered Sun.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

They had thought they were so clever.

They had thought their idea brilliant.

At last, they thought, the perfect blend of Changeling magic and synthetic skin, formed in a lab for one purpose. To kill even the grandest of gods. It was simple, really, the bullet would use it's shifting magic to literally phase through any barrier tossed up, and once it connected it would shift it's structure to match that of it's target, and explode. It would essentially turn their own bodies into living bombs, the perfect weapon to kill even dear Celestia.

But he would not have it. Selflessly, as was expected of him, he took the blow. He laid down his life, at last, for the one he called Princess, just as he swore to do on that day so very long ago.

And yet... this was not the end.

Instead of converting his body like expected, the changeling DNA within it unlocked something inside of him. It changed him, alright. Just enough to where he could mimic a changeling. Specifically... their ability to use love.

In their last moments, they felt regret. In their last moments, they knew.

They had not killed a god.

They had created one.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

-------
The bullet pierced his strongest barrier with all the ease of a hot knife through butter.
It even pierced the second barrier he half formed out of sheer instinct.
Knowing that, even if he had the speed, moving would only mean his wife would be the one struck...
Knowing that, his choice was easy.
Eyes closed, he accepted his fate, the only regrets being the sadness his passing will cause.

*Plip* *Thud*

Odd, that was not the sound he would have imagined for a bullet hitting him in the forehead.
Cracking open an eye, he saw his adversary looking at him with a disbelieving gaze, jaw to the ground, before they were subsequently dog(bug?) piled by a large number of changelings.

High level thought actions slowly kicking back in after his near death experience, shining realized that what his foe was staring at was actually something below and to his left.

Moving his gaze in that direction, he saw a small rectangle embedded into the ground.
Curious as to what drew his would-be killers attention to it, he gently used his magic to lift it from the dirt and took a closer look.

There it was, the bullet that would have ended his life, sitting perfectly embedded into the side of a pink bar of soap, almost the same kind that he uses for his daily routine.

Seeing this, after both the tense situation and his own acceptance of death, shining armor's reaction was perhaps quite understandable.

>WHAT THE FU-MPH!

The second bar of soap, that pierced the shield he had unconsciously maintained to hit him right in the mouth however, was slightly less understandable.

One pony understood things perfectly though, and she resolved to write the biggest most extravagant card in equestria the next time Mothers day came around.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NON-CANON
>Chrysalis
"Various Changelings"
~~~

>When the hell are you lazy bums going to go out and get a job!?

"UGH! Someday, MOM!"

"When we're ready!"

"And we're just not ready yet."

"Only thing I'm ready for is you passing me that blunt, HEYOOOO!"

>All you do is sit around all day, sapping my love and smoking poison joke you bought with the allowance I gave you! That's supposed to be travel money!

"We are traveling!"

"To a whooooole new world!"

>UGH! You're supposed to be infiltrating every facet of Pony life, growing their trust and confidence as you insert yourself in key positions, openly being loved so that you may gain insane firepower that could dwarf a hundred ponies, learning their infrastructure so that the moment we are ready you can STRIKE and take the entire town brick by brick, reducing the pony population to but a few cattle to sap and nothing more!

"...What?"

>I SAID GET A DAMN HAIRCUT!

"I LIKE MY DO, MOM!"

>AND I'M NOT YOUR DAMN MOM!

"Y-you mean... I'M ADOPTED!? WHAT!? WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME!?"

>...Are you serious?

"Does all of my brothers and sisters know about this?"

>Got some bad news on the shared relation there too, actually...

"MY LIFE IS A LIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>77
"DT"
'SS'
[Cheer]
~~~~

>Poppet, what exactly is on that long list you are filling out?

"Hm? Oh, I'm trying to calculate how much I spent fighting that clown monster thing."

>Really now? Well, I've never had a head for numbers I'm afraid, but I have dabbled a bit when I saw Applejack do her paperwork. What did your final tally end up as?

"Aboooooutt... this."

>...What this?

"That number at the bottom."

>What number? I see something's serial number, is it above...

"..."

>....WHAT!?

'Don't get her started.'

[It can't be that ba- WHAT WHAT WHAT!? T-that's more than I make in a year! IN FIVE YEARS, EVEN!]

"Well, quality costs money! First off, those flares needed the right compound for longevity, then I had to worry about the synthetic diamond on the tips of the sawblades, and of course Liquid Nitrogen isn't cheap! I mean, you can see how I ended up spending this."

>NO! None of that should have cost this much! Not even half!

'Here she goes...'

"Weellll, it might have something to do with the reinforced alloy casing, the compressor inside, stabilizers and propellent, the engineering needed to move the cone, and of course the actual explosive material I had to cram in there by the bucketload. It's not called a castle crusher for nothing."

>...Poppet, you have a problem.

"You think this is bad? Equestria paid for it."

[WHAT!?]

'Heeeere it comes.'

"Well, yeah. I specifically designed it to face threats against the nation, and I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that a giant chaotic clown is not a threat. Go ahead, say it to my face."

>...I mean, I suppose...

[You were just going to fire it off anyway, weren't you?]

"..."

'Oh, hey, maybe you do know her better than I thought.'

"Shut up, silver spoon."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________