So back when we got together around Feb of last year, everything was pretty godly, we were perfect t be a cringy fuck. But we were, I couldn't have asked for anything better in my whole life, we were pretty in love to say the least. But when it came to summer and her exams, I started getting agitated because we weren't really seeing each other. I was a huge cock end and I for some reason didn't have a perception of why the fuck she wasn't spending time with me and it was genuinely because she couldn't see me because Chemistry is loaded with so much work to the point where literally so many people around her were just cracking under the pressure, like I said, I didn't understand that because I'm a massive fucking idiot.

So I effectively drove her away because I was just questioning constantly why she wouldn't see me, it was at the point where we were seeing each other like once every 3 weeks to a month if we were lucky and I was so depressed because of it. Those miserable feelings made me a huge piece of shit and because I was pushing her to see me, she felt even more like she didn't want to because I was acting the way I was. This persisted all through the end of the year, we'd have arguments because I was in my own head making shit up that she didn't want to see me because she's lost interest yadda yadda. It was just me driving her up the wall and making her miserable in other words because of my own twisted negative thoughts.

Those twisted negative thoughts made me lose my temper a lot and literally lose my shit over such simple stuff like how we were going to split the bill at a dinner. In retrospect - it was really pathetic of me. Also there was a moment when she drove me back to mine and I paid for the journey, when I got out of the car she jokingly said where's my thank you, and because I'm a huge cunt, I said "my thanks is in the money that's in your bank account". It came to November/December of last year and she was making plans to see her friend from New Zealand who was now working in Ireland. I lost my temper really bad because she had planned it over Valentines Day and I wanted to spend that time together. She tried to make it up to me but I was being a stubborn cunt and just for the fact that I wasn't happy about it, I kept declining anything she tried to propose, like having valentines to ourselves on a different day or something because, like I said, I was being stubborn and just an asshole. At this point, looking back, it really struck me how comfortable I was thinking that she wasn't going to leave me even if I treated her like shit. (It wasn't in my mind at the time, I wasn't going out of my way to do it, it was a very subconscious thought process)

To make it up, I did eventually agree to going away with her on the weekend before Valentines and she organised it all because she's just such a goddess and a sweetheart. But on the day we were to go away, I made rude comments because the address wasn't specifically stated, I made an asshat comment instead of trying to help her when she was stressed, I said "don't you think you should've checked this before we set out" and she stormed off back into her house crying and was there for a while, she was crying with her mum. Also driving there I put my headphones in because I didn't want to listen to the music playing in her car, she asked if we could talk on the way there and I was yet again a massive cunt and said "no I don't want to listen to your shit music" with a serious attitude. She cried almost all the way until we got to the place and as soon as we got in and started settling down, we had an argument. But apart from that, we had a weekend that was fucking amazing, wouldn't trade it for anything.

But shortly after, we started arguing again, shit went downhill despite having that time alone together. this happened until around the second week of march, just on and off arguments, 2/3 a week, it wasn't pretty whatsoever. She said that she couldn't handle the way I treated her sometimes, just like absolute shit because I was so comfortable. I basically broke down admitting that I had a really awful and negative persona because I was depressed from that summer when she would barely see me despite having all the time to, I just didn't know I drove her away. I had this comfortable, negative persona that made me think I could treat her like shit, that she was the wrongdoer and I admitted to it, I broke down and admitted I was just a mess and I was depressed and reflected it all outwards onto her which brought her down even more. She admitted that it wasn't me at all, she knew I was a better person and she gave me the chance. We had a week or so where we were barely in contact which I was fine with, it was okay and I promised her I would treat her better from hereon out, and I made the massive effort to keep upholding a positive outlook even though I still felt like I was falling to pieces in my mind.

We didn't really see each other until the start of April and when we did, we hit it off so hard and it felt like I was falling in love all over again, it felt like that for her too, just the positive energy that we had was so overwhelming I can't describe it, it was the best thing that had happened to us in a while. I couldn't believe how perfect it was and it made me so so much happier just to be positive with her and support her rather than drag her down out of my own insecurities that I twisted around in my head and made negative. I was happy again and so was she. But there was a big flaw because of how I acted - she found it extremely hard to trust me again and thought that I was always out to get her because that's how it was for so long and it damaged her, I have damaged her.

We had 2 separate misunderstandings these past 2 weeks and I didn't do anything wrong, we sorted that out and acknowledged that, she admitted she was overreacting a lot and said it was because she found it hard to trust me again and didn't understand how I could just change overnight. But during the misunderstandings, she felt like I was being patronising and belittling her, telling her how she should feel and that it was wrong for her to feel that way, which is not what I was intending to do and it was very much exaggerated in her head considering how I treated her before and how I hurt her so much. I admitted I could've worded stuff a little better because she is in a sensitive period right now and we settled on that. But over the past 4 days or so she became extremely distant, even just completely ignored me at some points. I became extremely insecure because my self-esteem has been battered into the ground since I realised I had that awful persona, I kept prodding and asking whether we were over or whether she was thinking of ending it and that was my last mistake.
Today she messaged me back after ignoring me half of the day, admitted she was really stressed about us and that we were only perfect for such a brief amount of time although we've only really given it 2 weeks and a half. I tried to explain it to her that it was such a short amount of time and that I was working on it so we could be together and that she might be thinking really negatively about the little misunderstandings we had. But she wasn't having any of it
She admitted she was miserable most of the time outside of that perfect part for those 2/3 weeks and those misunderstandings and me prodding as if she would break up with me did it
She said people close to her told her she would end up miserable again. Apparently her own mum said she liked me as a person but she felt like she had lost her daughter, as if she had plummeted as a person since being with me and having those negative times. She said she wasn't socialising like she used to, wasn't going out as much, was just isolating herself because she had come to such a low point because of me
And now I stand here with no excuses, I truly just fucked my whole life up with the girl I saw my entire future with. She said to her mum that she could see herself marrying me one day and I felt like that all the way through too and I made her lose sight of all of that and she said she lost that vision of being with me in the future.
I made her lose that vision because I was such a huge piece of shit.