General-Zod-Anon in Equestria.

"You believe  your cake is safe?"
>Pinkie stared at you with quivering eyes.
>Hard crystals grew up around your legs, growing hard, cold tendrils up your limbs and freezing you in place.
>But not killing you.  No, they were too much a shaking lot of cowards and children to kill you.  You told them as much.  Some of the guards wanted to make a counter-argument with their spears, but they were far too devoted to that over-pampered queen of theirs.
>She stood high before you.  All around you heard the screams of pain from your supporters as the life-suspending crystals blossomed across their bodies.  They at least had spine enough to stand up in the face of power, and look at how they were rewarded.
>You failed them.  All you could do right now was stand proud.  You wanted to scream, but you spewed as much hate at them as you could.
>Pinkie Pie stood beside her queens.   She couldn't look at you anymore.


----EIGHT MONTHS AGO ----

"Your majesty, as your chief health advisor, I strongly recommend you stop eating cake."
>She raised her head out of the mountain of frosting and chocolate-coated fruit.   Her lashes were stuck together witih icing.  A chunk of the sugary bread fell from her ear.   "Anon, your concerns are heard."  She took a deep swallow.  "But are completely unfounded.  My health will not be affected in the least bit by these minor indulgences."  A long tongue wiped great swathes of frosting from her muzzle, god, it was like a cow picking its nose.
>"I think there's a corporal who's been having a problem with nosebleeds, your expertise will be of much more use if you go to HIM instead."
>Hairs on the back of our neck prickled along with your blood pressure.  Her head dived back into the cake.  Her crown knocked loose and fell to a floor covered in trampled crumbs.   You still had some love for this princess, glutonous and contemptible as she had become.  "Highness, I swore an oath to keep you at peak health using all of my abilities."  A fit of boldness overtook you and made you step closer.  She pulled her head halfway out of the cake tower to look at you, but she kept chewing.
>That was half the affect you wanted at least.  You had to speak firmly.  Her patience for you was going to burn out like a hair held up to a candle.
"Princess, you're gaining weight."
>Her jaw swung around her mouth, snapping harshly and swallowing.   You've seen lions do the same thing with hunks of meat.
>"How so, my dear medical advisor?"  She was giving a token effort to feign amusement.
"Whenever you walk your flanks have more jiggle and waves than the beach at high-tide.  How many times have you needed to adjust your neck-brace this month alone?  You hardly walk anywhere.  They prop you up on a dais that cracks the floor whenever they lay it down.  Your wings.  They're nothing more than props now, aren't they?"  You paused, she was about to speak again when you resumed, hoping to catch her off-balance.  "According to my projections you're stomach is going to start dragging behind you within thirteen months if you don't alter your diet."
> You pulled out a roll of charts that held the princesse's vital signs, metabolism rates, and caloric requirements.
"Within three years you won't be able to move on your own, even if we take magical assistance into consideration."
>Frosting and cake fell off her lips and she smiled so sweetly you might suspect she would get diabetes.  "Ah, how honest.  How caring."  Her wings angled in the air like knives. "Only a true friend would dare to be so upfront to the one they swore undying fealty too."  She looked herself over.  "Is he right?"  She looked at the guards.  "Does he speak the truth?  Has his Princess grown so confident that she's positively beginning to overflow in her seat of power?"
>Her hair lit up like someone poured gasoline on it.
>"WELL?"
>The guards mumbled and stared at their hooves.  She snipped away her niceties like a bundle of grapes from the vine.  She kicked the table holding the cake over.  It tumbled and crashed and fell like a demolished skyscraper.
>"Anon, oh my treasured medical advisor.  Your hypothesis and fears are unfounded, unchecked, and unacceptable.  You are clearly -clearly- unfit to be my primary physician.  And"  She wiped her mouth with a silver-laced napkin.  It did as much good as wiping mud off a wild pig's chin.  "And, if you are not fit for a queen, then I would hate to loose you amongst the populace."  Her neck jiggled as she stood up.  "Let it be known that from this day forward Anon medical license has been revoked in its entirety.  He will no longer legally be allowed to practice medicine or offer advice under medical pretenses within Equestrian borders due to gross, even malicious incompetence."  There was a fire in the air as your medical degree appeared in the room.  There was another fire that turned it to ash.  Your stomach dropped.
>"I do this for your own safety, old friend.  But you've been a valuable presence within the castle, and I don't throw away useful tools easily.  I know of a few cracks along the castle's eastern wall.  I'm sure you can find steady work patching them up."
>She looked at the strewn mess on the floor.  "Well?  Bring me another."  Her voice poured out like syrup.
>You put your hands behind you back so that she wouldn't see them trembling.
"Very well. Celestia.  I am...sorry that I have failed in my duties.  I will relieve myself and clean out my quarters."  You turned to leave the room.
>"Anon."
"Hm?"
>"You are supposed to address me as 'Your Highness.'"
"Oh."  You smiled.  "How could I forget?"
>You left the room.
>You got your things.
>And you plotted.
>You decided you would destroy the thing she loved.  If you didn't then Equestria would be destroyed by her unfettered corpulance.  You loved this kingdom.  It deserved better. You had to destroy cake.
>All of it.  If she was denied that then maybe she would lose some damned weight and sense could take hold of her.  But if not....well...
>But you needed help.
>"Anon, what you're doing is -it's treason, I can't."
"Twilight, you are too smart to start acting the fool now.  You must help me.  You see what she has become.  She's more sucrose than sacred by this point.  The only way to save is her to get rid of cake.  But I can't do it alone.  I need someone with power, and someone to help her when the deed is done."
>Twilight was uncomfortable.  She was a first-hand witness to the Princess's crumbling rationality and ballooning waist-line.  She heard whispers carry from under the stairs, and dark alleys.  None of them complementary.
>"If this fails...I could...I would..."
"I know."
>You knew what they did to traitors.  They might just throw you in a dungeon and forget about you for a million years, but Twilight was above and beyond your station that you had to look at her with a telescope.   There was no telling what kind of horrors they could unleash upon her.
>She rubbed her temple with her wings.  "Fine,"  Her whisper was sharp enough to cut throats.  "I'll devise some amnesia spells.  Wiping spells to remove recipes and fill the heads with nonsense of anyone who could remember them.  But we'd need to do more than that.  She has stockpiles.  I've seen them.  You must hit those, burn them down if you have to.   The kitchens as well.  Even if we wipe the recipes from the face of the earth she could still stuff herself with the ingredients. Her magics good enough that they might bake in her stomach."  She laughed.  "She's full of tricks, you know."
"Yeah, but so are we."
>You patted her shoulder and wished you sounded a little more sure of yourself.
------
>The castle was alight with confusion, anger, and high-calorie confections burning in blue fires.
>The whole damn mountainside was a warzone.   Bags of sugar were being dumped into canals and sent off waterfalls careening from the top of the sky.  Cooking shops were raided if not burned down.  Several libraries worth of books were being put to the torch at nearly the same pace that Twilight's erasure spell flooded across the city.
>Twilight was going to hate herself once this was all said and done.  She never thought she would be the cause of such a complete removal of knowledge.
>The mountain shook as your splinter teams found another stockpile of cake and blew it to pieces.  Your own escort was covered in ashes and burns and cuts.  You didn't look so hot yourself.
>Your team clawed their way out of a sewer system and looked at a battle being held in the sky.  Battle Balloons and patrol skiffs lobbied balls of arcane magic at each other and the ground.    Bakeries and street-corner candy stores screeched and melted as thaumic bombs splashed across the stonework.  A Royal Heighliner cracked along its structural lines, bleeding green sparks and began to nosedive, it's doomed pilots still tried to veer the massive ship away from the more populated center of the city.
>You drew your knife.
"We have to hurry.  One last place to hit."
>Feet and hooves thundered across the ground.  You had to get to the inner castle.  There was a unicorn in your group who was handling communication with the greater part of the anti-cake resistance group.  This scene was playing out all over the kingdom.  Citizens and disgruntled guards and governors tearing down anything capable of making so much as a tart.
>But the war needed to be won here and now.
>Your team crossed made it past the inner walls.  Just in time as it were.  A shield flickered around the sanctum's boundaries.
>Dammit.  Shining Armor was called in.  You were expecting Canterlot to be swarmed with heavy hitters, but you were hoping that Twilight might be able to sway her brother to your cause.
>You moved swiftly, trying your best to keep quiet.  There wasn't much luck with that.  Six guards had to be dispatched with less mercy than you would've preferred.
>Breaking into the Central Kitchen was not going to be easy.  Celestia knew what you were doing now, and if she didn't then she was a grander idiot than you thought.
>Your team made it halfway to the gardens before a legion of guards seemingly burst out of the bushwork.  Spears thrust out behind every leaf and railing.  The garden was surrounded by six stories of walkways and viewing windows and something sharp was sticking out of all of them.
>Shit.  Your squad drew their weapons and circled around you defensively.  Cadance fluttered down from the sky.  Her hair was dirtied and  her face ashen.
>Shit shit shit.
>"Anon, former Head Royal Physician."  You nod.
"Yes ma'am.  I really want to say I'm glad to see you, Princess Cadance.  I suppose I still can't talk you into joining our side?"
>She laughed.  "Join you?  Anon, I'm afraid I never did know you as well as I would've liked, but I thought you'd have more sense than this."  She looked upwards at the night sky that was still peppered with the ongoing battle, although the shield blurred the view.  "But I guess that's a foolish hope from someone  who'd readily make all this chaos."
>She lowered her gaze again.  "Anon.  You were a doctor, a man of mercy and compassion.  Do you think cakes and cookies are the only thing being hurt out there?"  Her eyes lit.  "Children are hurt right now."  Her voice was strained and her eyes angry.  "They are crying, Anon.  Mothers and fathers are afraid.   I know that there's a good man standing before me, even if he his misguided.  For the lives that you saved, and the lives that you can still save, please, lay down your weapons and surrender.  Do not give into this madness."
>Her beseeching voiced swirled around your ears like a warm breath and calming touch.  Cadance might be willing to deal.  She was sane, but if it were only her you had to contend with then none of this would be happening.  Cadance wasn't the one to worry about at all, but all those guards sworn to protect queen and country were definitely worth stressing over.
>You looked at the statue behind you.
"Princess Cadance, you're right."
>She didn't allow herself to look relieved.
"I have been causing a lot of chaos."
>You stepped away from your protective circle of collaborators.  They looked at you like you were insane, and with what you were planning you probably were.
"I mean look at all that!"  You gestured wildly upwards.  "You'd think the whole world was falling down with how crazy this is all getting"
>You started to yell loud enough for the dead to hear.
"It's all bonkers anyway!  Flames and magic and broken windows, this is nuts!  Only a complete and utter lunatic would find joy in all this nonsense."
>You hopped onto the base of the serpentine sculpture.
>Cadance's eyes grew wide.
>"Anon..."
"Even the people who are following me are damned fools!"
>They weren't sure how their spirits were supposed to feel.
"Honestly, who would go along with such"  you raised your hand  "a MADMAN!"  You slammed the statue.
"ANON!"
>The statue shook.  Cracks ran around it like dried mud.  Lightning bolted out from the fracture.
>Panic flashed the faces of guards as well as your team.
>Cadance was caught between being utterly pissed and halfway admired at the size of your balls.
>After one last great tremor the statue broke and a twisted monster stood tall and cackled like he just snuck into the biggest party in the kingdom.
>"Why that sounds just fantastic to me!"  Discord spread his wings.
>The garden erupted in shouting.  You looked down at your team.
"Run."
>They did.  You followed.
>"Oh gods, he's loose!"  "What do we do?"  "Protect the Princess!"  You heard spears, bodies, and spells being tossed into the air.
>"Get Shining Armor down here, we have to contain him!  Call Shining Armor!  CALL MY HUSBAND!"
>You closed the doors behind you.  No one would give a damn about you know with that old terror set loose.
>God, was this even worth it anymore?  You took a deep breath.  Of course it was.
>You really did not want to do that to Cadance.  You hoped she would be okay, but if she survived then she'd pour all kinds of hell at you no matter how this turned out.  But if she fell to Discord than Shining Armor would come at you with fury twentyfold.
>Your future was going to be mighty interesting after tonight.
>The doors to the Central Kitchen slammed open.  It was unguarded.  You signaled to your team to set the charges.  The hurried, placing the explosives down with expert care.   This wasn't right.  This place should've been on lockdown.  But nothing was out of the ordinary. It looked like business as usual.  It looked like...
>You saw an opened bag of flour.  A used rolling pin.  A mixing bowl with the remains of dough.  An icing spade covered with icing.
>Someone just baked a cake.  You told your team to finish their job, and then leave as fast as they could.  You were going to look for something.  They argued with you, but were silenced fast enough.
>You had to find out where that cake went.  You heard a giggle.
>Oh God.  Oh God no.
>You ran, following the echoing giggles up the twisting stairs and labyrinthine hallways.  You shoved through a thick door and onto a rooftop.
>Pinkie Pie hopped around the biggest cake you've ever seen.  It was covered with a blue miasma, sitting inside a rounded metal contraption.  Luna stood beside it, her eyes shock-white.  Pinkie Pie piped up.
>"Hiya!"
"Pinkie, what are you doing?"
>"Oh, me?  I just finished baking the most incredible, amazingest cake you could POSSIBLY think about eating.  Look at it!"
>You did.  It was every flavor.  It had every kind of icing.  You had a feeling if you cut out a slice it would have more colored layers than ten rainbows.
"I'm real proud of myself.  But Princess Celestia told me to make a cake to really dazzle her, and i knew I couldn't let her down."
"What is Luna doing to that cake."
>She spoke without moving her lips.
>"What do you think, human?"  She sounded disgusting.  You knew if she wasn't so engrossed in her work than she would throw you off the roof right now.  "You're bent on destroying every trace that cake ever even existed on the planet.  Our only recourse is to set exactly one cake off-world."
>Your rage broke.
"You're sending a cake into SPACE?"
>Pinkie leaned against the small spacecraft.  "We sure are.  Aren't you proud of me, Anon?  My cake is going to be the first interstellar pastry ever made!"  She giggled.  Poor girl, she was too stupid to know she was sealing the fate of the kingdom.  You shook your head.
"I can't let you do that Pinkie.  Stand aside."
>"Don't let him near the cake, pink one.  I cannot remove him myself.  I cannot stop until the spell is complete!"
>Pinkie jumped in front of you, holding her forearms wide.  "Anon!  Why do you want to mess up my cake?"
"Pinkie, that cake is the most dangerous thing on the planet right now."
>Masonry flew into the air as Discord wracked his way through the lower levels of the castle.
"You must let me destroy.  It is the embodiment of stagnation and negligence.  Inside that cake is ruin for this kingdom.  Pinkie, you are my friend, we must destroy this cake!"
>She looked confused.  Her ears trembled.  "But...but I made it, Anon.  I put everything I had into that cake -heart and soul, and even my best jokes.  Are you saying it's bad?  Do you not think it'll taste good?"  You didn't have time for this.  You pushed her aside.
"I'm sorry, Pinkie, but I don't have time to make you understand."
>She stumbled to the floor, but picked herself up with tears in her eyes.
>"But I...it CANT be bad!  Because if the cake is bad then I'M bad.  And I...I...Anon, that's the best thing I ever made.  I...I'm sorry Anon, but I won't let you mess up a present I made for someone else."
>You approached the cake.  Luna's wings quivered in helpless rage.
"You may understand later, Pinkie."
>You reached into the ship.  You legs fell out from under you.
"What the HELL?"
>Pinkie stood over you, her face in sullen determination.  "No can do, Anon," she whispers.  You throw her off you, but she rebounds and drags you away before you can stand.  You throw her once more and rush to the ship.
>She jumps on your back and bites on your hair.  You cuss and swear.  Luna's laughter drowns out the sounds of your struggles soon.
>You grab her and throw her to the rock below, but she bounces like she's made of damn rubber and kicks you in the face.  You reel back, clutching your bleeding jaw.  She charges you, but your arms scoop under her and you throw her at the wall behind you.
>Now before it's too late.  Your hand reach into the ship and dig into monstrous cake.  You start digging out chunks of the abomination.  It was tres leches, angel food, baumkuchen, souffle, teacake, boston cream pie, pineapple upside-down, and everything in between. Celestia had Pinkie create an entire microcosm of a bakery inside a single cake!  This one thing would render all your efforts moot.
>Something kicked at you head.  You toppled into the hard ground.  Stars and birds twittled in your vision.
>"WHY DID YOU DO THAT, ANON?"
>She started punching you.  Left hoof, right hoof, left, right, left, right.
>You couldn't count, she was stocking you so fast.  Tears flowed down her face.
>"That was a present, Anon!  That was a GIFT!"
>"It is done."  Luna stepped back.
>The ship sealed itself.  The shielding around the ship shimmered as it spun slowly into the air.  Metal plates covered in mystic runes encircled it like a protective shell.
>It thundered and sang away into the sky leaving a violet trail, piercing the shield that sorrounded the castle, shattering it like glass.
>You held a hand up into the air.
>It was gone.
>You had failed.
"But..."
>Pinkie stopped hitting you.  She looked at Luna.   She looked at you, cut and bruised and bleeding.  She hugged you.
>"I'm sorry, Anon.  I didn't mean to do that, I'm just....it's okay, you didn't mess it up completely.  I forgive you, okay?   Forgive me, please please forgive me, I'm sorry, Anon.  I'm so so so sorry."
>She held you close.  You looked at Luna.  She wore the telltale signs of exhaustion but put on the smuggest grin you've ever seen.
>You hugged Pinkie back.   "Yeah.  I'm sorry too."
>The guards swarmed the roof not long afterwards and dragged you away in chains.
--PRESENT DAY--

>You stood in the laughing shadow of Discord.
>"That was the best show I've seen in AGES!"  He pointed at Shining Armor with his chin.  "I must say, your wife was a real kick.  Never forget her, kid."  He angled his head to speak to you.  "Send me an invitation next time you want to throw a party like that, I'll bring dip next time."  He howled joyously in the air as glass froze him in place.
>Shining Armor touched a ring he kept around his neck.  He howled the loudest to put your head on a pike.
>His sister cried beside you.
"You've lost weight at least, Celestia.  Can you thank your old doctor for that much?"  You started to laugh.  It kept the pain at bay.
>The arena grew quieter as your co-conspirators were silenced one by one as the crystals entrapped them.
>Twilight was the last one before you to go still.
"This whole kingdom is DOOMED!   But you're all too fat and sugar-high to see straight!"
>Pinkie started to sniffle.  Shining Armor spat on the ground.
"But go ahead.  Send me up there!  Lock me up and toss me away!  I'll just be closer to that damned cake you launched!  Ha!  You think a piece of rock candy can hold me forever?"
>You lurched forward as much as you could.  Damn, this stuff hurt.  Your voice strained.  "You think your cake is safe?"  You asked again.
>"I'll break out.  We'll all break out."
>Many eyes went to the prism-reflection of Discord.
"I will find it," you threatened.
"I will find it, Celestia."
>You took a deep breath.  You shouted loud enough to make sure Celestia would remember it for the rest of her life.
"I WILL FIND IT!"
>The glassy veings crept up your throat and into your mouth like a thousand needles.  Up your nose and over your skull.
>Time froze.
>Mechanisms on the platform whined and groaned.  Fire and engines roared to life under your glass prisons and lifted you into the air, carrying you into the belly of a sky borne oubliette.  It opened and closed to accept you.  It was only built to do this once.
>Larger engines roared and carried you away into space.
>Cruel magics tore at the void over the earth.  A maw opened up, with teeth almost as ravenous as the queen that sent you to it.
>You were swallowed whole and the void-beast closed its mouth.