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Get Cutter Get Butter 1

May 13th, 2016
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  1. >"Please, princess, you have to help me!"
  2. >You sighed as you took a sip of your coffee, which could have used a little more sugar now that you thought about it
  3. >Your horn glowed, and with a spell you levitated over a few packets of sugar
  4. >With a flick of your horn the sugar packets were ripped open and sugar fell down into your coffee mug
  5. >The spoon that was sitting on the table was picked up via magic and you then began to stir your coffee
  6. >...
  7. >You know, you bet that your fellow princesses didn't have to deal with this
  8. >Having ponies run up to you in the middle of the street you mean
  9. >Technically you were sitting INSIDE Sugar Cube Corner but you get the point
  10. >Cadence, Princess Luna, and even your old teacher only had to deal with the common pony once a day during court, after that nopony usually ever walked up to them demanding help with some stupid or silly thing...
  11. >...
  12. >Maybe you should have a court in Ponyville?
  13. >It wouldn't have to be as grand as the Day Court or the Night Court, but maybe you could set aside an hour or two a day to just sit down and listen to ponies problems and see if you could help them
  14. >You had enough rooms in your castle to set aside space for that, and you were sure that somepony would loan you a throne if you asked nicely...
  15. >Yeah...
  16. >You may have to look into that...
  17. >If nothing else you wouldn't have so many ponies running up to you a seven in the morning when you're just trying to get a cup of coffee
  18. >...
  19. >YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE YOUR MANE BRUSHED YET DAMMIT!
  20. >With a slightly irritated hum, you set your spoon down and took another sip of your coffee
  21. >Hum...
  22. >Perfect
  23. "Good morning to you too, Flutter," you said, smacking your lips as you set your coffee down. "Yes, the weather IS lovely out today isn't it?"
  24. >Flutter, who looked as ragged and as stressed out as you have ever seen her, blinked owlishly
  25. >"...Wait, I didn't--"
  26. >Her eyes widened in realization as you did your best not to sigh again in irritation
  27.  
  28. >While you liked to think yourself a pretty patient pony you still hadn't your first cup of coffee this morning
  29. >And pre-coffee Twilight as, by nature, a pretty grumpy pony
  30. >A grumpy, unenergized pony
  31. >"Hehe... good morning, princess Twilight," Flutter said, sheepishly rubbing the back of her head
  32. >You smiled as best as you could
  33. "Good morning to you too, Flutter. Now, what seems to be the proble--"
  34. >"IT'S THUNDE--"
  35. >Nope
  36. >It's too early for yelling
  37. >It's too early, you hadn't had breakfast yet and you weren't even done with your first cup of coffee
  38. >Twilight uses ROYAL EYEBROW RAISE
  39. >You bring your coffee mug to your lips as Flutter's mouth snaps shut
  40. >IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE
  41. >"...It's Thunderlane. There's something really wrong with Thunderlane."
  42. >Thunderlane?
  43. >Wasn't that her herd's stallion?
  44. >You take a few big gulps of your coffee, quickly draining it (because BUCK the poince and your tongue) and pushing it away from you so that Pinkie could come over and refill it for you
  45. >You could already tell that you were going to need a couple of cups if the day was going to go like you thought it was going to go
  46. "And what's wrong with Thunderlane, Flutter?" you asked, as royally and majestically as you could
  47. >Ponies liked it when you talked like that
  48. >It makes you sound like you know what you're talking about and that you're equip to handle their problems
  49. >Flutter opened her mouth a little wide
  50. >Nope
  51. "Inside voice please," you quickly suggest
  52. >Flutter then closed her mouth with a sheepish giggle
  53. >"Yeah... Sorry, it's just been a rough couple of days and I didn't know who else to go to..."
  54. "It's fine," you assure, waving her concerns away with a hoof. "Now go ahead and tell me what's wrong."
  55.  
  56. >...
  57. >She better not start complaining about the law that just passed that gave stallions the right to vote for their elected officials
  58. >There was NOTHING wrong with that bucking law
  59. >And most importantly you hadn't been the one to get the law passed; the House of Nobles and the House of Commons were the ones that did that
  60. >Yelling at you wasn't going to change that in any way
  61. >Flutter bit her lip, her wings fluttering nervously
  62. >...
  63. >It's going to be about that bill isn't it?
  64. >...
  65. >Well, it better BUCKING NOT BE...
  66. >"Well, you see, about a month ago me, the girls and Thunderlane were sitting at the park--"
  67. >You snorted quietly, both irritated and relieved that Flutter wasn't here about that bill
  68. >Was she asking you about relationship advice?
  69. >Really?
  70. >Okay filly
  71. >May it on me
  72. >"--And Cloudy says something about Thunder REALLY liking the cake that she made."
  73. >Puff
  74. >You might not have had all that many coltfriends o-or any coltfriends at all... you were w-working on it but even YOU knew not to say something like that
  75. >You give a colt an inch he'll take a mile; and if you say the wrong thing, or what HE thinks is the wrong thing, they'll be Tartarus to pay
  76. >That being said, you still didn't understand why she was coming to you for advice or help or... whatever she wanted
  77. >Being a princess might have entailed a lot of things but relationship counselor wasn't in your job description
  78. >...
  79. >At least you think it wasn't...
  80. >"Thunder, of course, starts to go off, saying that she's calling him fat and saying he's not pretty; I'm sure you know what I'm talking about," Flutter continues
  81. >You don't, not really, but even still you shake your head
  82. >"Anyway, he runs off to Celestia knows where and we all go find him and calm him down. Cloudy apologizes and gives him a necklace and some new comb that he's been looking at and we think that everything's fine."
  83. >Flutter sighs, a look of frustration coming to her face
  84.  
  85. >"But, a couple days later, Thunder comes homesaying that he got himself a gym membership."
  86. >Pinkie, humming a tune to herself, hops over with some coffee, quickly pouring you another cup before she made her way to the next table
  87. >Hmm, more coffee
  88. >Time to end this little conversation
  89. "To be honest, Flutter, I don't know how this concerns me," you said. "It sounds to me like--"
  90. >"It was Anon's. Thunder got a membership at Anon's gym," Flutter interrupted, her frustration as clear as day now
  91. >Anon's gym?
  92. >...
  93. >Oh right...
  94. >You remember Anon snatching up that building next to the Quills and Sofas shop a while ago
  95. >From what you heard he got one heck of a deal since the place was kind of dumpy and rundown
  96. >You didn't know that he was opening up a gym though; though, to be honest, you shouldn't be surprised
  97. >That stallion did LOVE lifting his weights...
  98. "...Okay, I don't see why that would--"
  99. >"Flutter!"
  100. >Flutter jumped, her eyes widening as Thunderlane walked over to the two of you
  101. >But this... what the buck?
  102. >Thunderlane, with all of the swagger of a mare with the biggest teats on the block, walked over and slapped his fillyfriend on the rump
  103. >"There you are, babe, I was looking all over for you. Trying to hide that sweet lil' flank from your boy."
  104. >Flutter let out a yelp as he then reared back and slapped her right on the rump
  105. >...
  106. >What the buck?...
  107. >Flutter's eyes were huge as a blush EXPLODED across her face
  108. >You, meanwhile, took a closer look at the stallion, a small frown on your face
  109. >Thunderlane was wearing a torn up looking sleeveless shirt, he had a headband on his head and he was wearing a pair of sun glasses
  110. >From ten feet away you could smell the sweat on him and he had this weird beard... thing growing under his chin
  111. >...
  112. >That... that didn't make sense
  113. >Half the town knew that Thunderlane was the type of stallion that didn't SWEAT
  114. >He HATED sweating
  115. >In fact he HATED doing anything physical
  116.  
  117. >But most importantly he HATED facial hair
  118. >Like REALLLLY hated it
  119. >But, as you looked him over as he stood there, GROPING Flutter's behind as half of Sugar Cube Corner watched, you could see that he had gained muscle and had grown a beard
  120. >And it wasn't that lithe, sleek muscle that pegasi had
  121. >It was hard, thick, corded muscle; muscle that one only got if they were an earth pony or if you worked out HARD
  122. >"H-Honey, please," Flutter shimmered, looking nervously from him to you. "W-We're in public. P-Ponies are--epp!"
  123. >Thunderlane grinned; a grin that you had NEVER seen a stallion wear in your entire life
  124. >It was confident, it was predatory, it was aggressive
  125. >And it wasn't aggressive in the way that stallion's could be sometimes aggressive
  126. >It was the kind of aggressive that a mare was when marking a stallion as her territory
  127. >"Alright, alright, if my lil' lady doesn't want me lovin' her here I'll wait until we get back home."
  128. >Giving Flutter's rump another hard, loud slap, Thunderlane turned around
  129. >"Alright, I'm gonna go and get some oats. I'll see you back at the house, babe. Remember to wear those panties I like!"
  130. >You could have heard a pin drop as Thunderlane strode out of the place like he owned it, eyeing any other stallions in the room as he threw open the door, strode through it and slammed it behind him
  131. >"WHOO! DADDY'S GETTIN' SOME PUSSY TONIGHT!"
  132. >...
  133. >"He's been like that ever since he started going to that gym," Flutter hissed, leaning forward so that she could whisper in your ear
  134. "...Has he know?" you breathed, still trying to come to terms with what just happened
  135. >Stallions...
  136. >Stallions didn't do stuff like that
  137. >They didn't slap mares on the rump, they didn't comment aloud that they were going to have sex, they didn't do ANYTHING like Thunderlane just did
  138. >THEY. JUST. DIDN'T. DO. THAT.
  139. >WHAT. THE. BUCK. JUST. HAPPENED?
  140. >Flutter frantically nodded
  141.  
  142. >"At first the girls and I thought it was great. Thunder got a little more aggressive in the bedroom, he wanted sex more often, he started helping around the house and he stopped complaining but he just kept GOING to that gym and he started doing stuff like THAT!"
  143. >Flutter looked around, leaning even closer toward you
  144. >For a second, you thought that she was going her cry, her lip quivering
  145. >"Last night he was the MARE..."
  146. >...
  147. >Oh...
  148. >Oh that's a problem...
  149. >You don't even know how it's a problem but you're pretty bucking sure that this is a problem
  150. >You can FEEL it in your bones
  151. >Your princess bones
  152. >You found yourself standing up as you reached over and grabbed your cup of coffee
  153. >You ignored the searing heat as you drained it in one go, tossing some bits onto the counter before making your way toward the door
  154. >Don't you worry, Flutter. I'm going to see what the heck is going on," you promised, not looking over your shoulder
  155. >Something was going on...
  156. >You needed to find out what...
  157. >It looked like you were going to need to go to Anon's gym...
  158.  
  159. >You could hear the sounds of metal hitting concrete and grunting as you stood outside of the "Iron Church"
  160. >That was kind of an odd name in your opinion
  161. >You understood the iron part but what the hay was an "church"?
  162. >Was it some kind of weight or exercise that you didn't know about?
  163. >Why did it sound like some kind of pastry to you?
  164. >...
  165. >Oh yeah
  166. >It probably had something to do with you not being able to get your chocolate chip pancakes with a side of hay bacon this morning because you had DEAL WITH THIS HORSE APPLES!
  167. >...
  168. >Well... the gym looked actually pretty nice
  169. >The outside was a little bare-bones--for a gym run by a stallion at least--, the sign was more of a banner than an actual permanent sign, but the building didn't look dumpy anymore
  170. >You had to admit that Anon actually did a pretty good job fixing the place up...
  171. >Your stomach rumbled, signifying that you should probably hurry up and investigate what was going on so you could get something to eat
  172. >And more coffee; you were going to need a LOT more coffee
  173. >With a spell, you opened up the door and stepped into the building...
  174. >...Only to reel back as the smell of sweat, something else and iron hit you like a runaway wagon
  175. >Sweet Celestia on a pogo stick!
  176. >Your nose scrunched up as you resisted the urge to break out into a coughing fit, giving your head a shake as you forced yourself to step into the building and close the door behind you
  177. >Upon entering the gym you saw that you were now in a mostly empty lobby
  178. >In the corner of the room were a bunch of shirts and headbands that were on display, there was a table and a couple of chairs in the middle of the room and at the back of it was a desk with a door right next to it
  179. >Behind that desk was a stallion that was looking down at a magazine as he noisily chewed on a piece of bubble gum
  180. >Alrighty then
  181. >You got the lay of the land
  182. >Now it was time to find Anon so that you could get some answers!
  183. >And after that you could get some breakfast!
  184.  
  185. >Or Lunch
  186. >Or better yet, Brunch!
  187. >Yeah!
  188. >You were going to eat the buck out of some brunch like that (slightly) chubby little purple pony that you were!
  189. >You cleared your throat, hoping to get the receptionist's attention
  190. >The stallion didn't even look up, blowing and popping a big bubble as he turned the page in his magazine
  191. >...
  192. >Okay...
  193. "Um, excuse me? Could you tell me where Anonymous is? I need to speak to him."
  194. >The stallion peeked over his magazine to stare at you for a moment
  195. >Silently judging; judging you harder than you have ever been judged
  196. >And that was saying something
  197. >His face scrunched up in irritation at having been interrupted from his reading (was that a ball cup magazine?...) but even still he pointed toward the door next to his desk
  198. >Your eyes darted toward the door
  199. "Oh, he's in there?" you asked, turning your attention back to the stallion, only to notice that he was once again staring down at his magazine and ignoring your very existance
  200. >You didn't know whether to sigh or snort, your face scrunching up
  201. >You were a PRINCESS dammit!
  202. >You might not have wanted ponies to worship the very ground that you stood on but it'd be nice to get a LITTLE bit of respect!
  203. >You needed to get yourself a dungeon!
  204. >Ponies would respect you if you had a bucking dungeon that you could TOSS them into!
  205. >...You think
  206. >Maybe
  207. >Probably
  208. >...YEAH!
  209. >Your wings ruffled against your sides as you made your way over to the door
  210. >The grunting and the sounds of metal hitting metal and metal hitting concrete got louder and louder the closer you got to it
  211. >Which really had you thinking
  212. >Why would Thunderlane want to go to a gym like this?
  213. >You hadn't even been in the gym proper yet and you could tell that this wasn't a place for a stallion
  214. >It was loud, it smelled, from what you could tell there was no place for stallions to gossip and there wasn't even air conditioning
  215. >This wasn't a commercial gym
  216. >This was a gym-gym where gymmy things happened to gymmy ponies
  217.  
  218. >Puzzled, you stepped through the door and into the gym
  219. >To your surprise, the inside was a heck of a lot bigger than it looked on the outside, and every single inch of the entire, massive room was filled with gym equipment
  220. >There were a bunch of dumbbells and barbells at the back of the gym
  221. >There must have been a dozen of those bench thingy's
  222. >There were even these big, metal... things with pegs and weights all over them
  223. >...
  224. >You didn't go to the gym all that much alright?
  225. >It's not like you knew what any of the equipment was called!
  226. >"Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeon! Get it up Caramel! GET IT UP!"
  227. >Your attention turned back to the bench thingy's, where a bunch of ponies were standing around
  228. >In fact, now that you got a good look at them, you noticed that every single one of them were stallions
  229. >There was Mr. Cake, who was sporting one heck of a beard and looked like he had gained fifty pounds of muscle
  230. >There was Cookie Crumble, who had the mother of all guts but now had legs and a neck that there thicker than your head
  231. >You could see dozens of stallions that you had seen around town here, stallions that had turned into... something else
  232. >...
  233. >A lump began to form in your throat as you looked around the entire room
  234. >There must have been two or three mares in here
  235. >The rest, maybe a hundred in all, were stallions
  236. >Aggressive, muscle-y stallions that were grunting and yelling and throwing the weights around
  237.  
  238. >And in the center of it all, sporting (or whatever they called it) Caramel, was Anonymous
  239. >Just like pretty much every other stallion in here, the human was wearing a sleeve-less shirt and a headband, though he had forgone wearing sun glasses
  240. >...
  241. >Yeah, about that...
  242. >Why the HECK were they all wearing sun glasses INDOORS?
  243. >There really weren't that many windows in the room, so--
  244. >"GET IT UP, CARAMEL!" Anon snarled. "GET THE FUCKING WEIGHT UP! YOU GOT THIS! YOU GOT THIS!"
  245. >Though you must have been thirty feet away you could see the strain on Caramel's now bearded face
  246. >His face was red, there was sweating dripping down it, you could see veins upon veins bulging in ways that they shouldn't be bulging
  247. >"Get it up, Caramel!"
  248. >"Move that weight faggot!"
  249. >"It's time to move some bucking daddy weight!"
  250. >"COME ON! YOU NEED MORE SCOOPS! DON'T YOU WANNA BE A MUTANT?!"
  251. >The bar shook in Caramel's hooves as he raised it inch by inch
  252. >"Don't you... bucking... help me... Anon," you could hear him gasp even as he lifted what looked like FAR too much weight than what was good for him. "I got... this..."
  253. >"It's all you, Caramel. It's all you," Anon, who looked just as sweaty and veiny as the rest of the stallions, assured. "Just get that shit up, just get that shit up. You got it. You got it."
  254. >A very unpony-like growl escaped Caramel's lips as, with one last burst of effort, he locked the weight out
  255. >The shout that erupted from the group watching made your ears ring as Anonymous helped Caramel re-rack the weight
  256. >The second that the bar was no longer in Caramel's hooves, the stallion launched himself off the bench
  257. >"WHOO! WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT?! WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT?! DID YOU BUCKING SEE THAT?!" he yelled, pounding a hoof against his chest as he walked around wild-eyed
  258. >Anon chuckled
  259. >"Everyone wait a little bit before touching that bar. That shit's still on fire."
  260.  
  261. >The other stallions, chuckling and jeering, began playfully shoving Caramel around
  262. >To your shock some of them even took off their shirts and began fanning him as if they were trying to put out flames
  263. >...
  264. >You know that you've been saying this a lot this morning but WHAT THE BUCK IS GOING ON?!
  265. >WHY WERE THEY ACTING LIKE THIS?!
  266. >STALLIONS DIDN'T ACT LIKE THIS!
  267. >THEY DIDN'T!
  268. >AND WHY DO YOU FEEL SO FUNNY?!
  269. >You must have made a noise of some kind because about a dozen set of eyes turned to you
  270. >OhmyCelestia
  271. >"Oh, hey, Twilight!" Anon chirped with a happy little wave. "How's it going?"
  272. >You opened your mouth to answer, a hoof raise, only to promptly close it
  273. >That...
  274. >That was a VERY good question...
  275. "...Um, Anon? Could you come over here for a second? I need to talk to you about something."
  276. >With a small smile on his face, Anon nodded
  277. >"Hey, hey, hey, enough pussy-footing around. You ladies get back to your weights."
  278. >Your feathers ruffled against your back once more as the group of stallions dispersed, nearly all of them making faces or playfully slinging insults Anon's way
  279. >The giant human himself strode toward you with a big ol' smile on his face
  280. >"Let's talk over in that power rack over there, Twi," he said, nudging your withers before brushing past you. "I wanna get in a set or two of squats before I'm not warmed up anymore."
  281. >...
  282. >Power rack?
  283. >That was what those metal cage things were called?
  284. >...Why?
  285. >They didn't look particularly rack-y to you...
  286. >Nor did they look all that powerful...
  287. >Giving your head a shake, you made your way over to one of the "power racks" where a bar was a whole lot of weight was resting on a pair of pegs
  288. >...Since those pegs were on a power rack did that mean that they were called power pegs?
  289. >...
  290. >No, no, focus Twilight
  291.  
  292. >FOCUS
  293. >"It's my deload week," Anon explained as he got underneath the bar. "So I decided to go pretty light today."
  294. >You eye the bar with a frown
  295. >You could see that there were three plates on each side of the bar
  296. >BIG plates
  297. "...Okay, listen, Anon, we need to talk. This morning I was talking to Flutter Butter--"
  298. >Anon snorted, unracking the bar and taking a step forward
  299. >You took a nervous step backward as the bar wobbled dangerously
  300. >Ifoneofthosedroppedonyourhoofsomeponywasdyingtonightfilly
  301. >"Fucking Flutter... Do you know she's been in here three times this week telling me to cancel Thunderlane's membership?" he growled, squatting down so that he was looking you in the eye, a rather impressive feat considering how big he was. "The guy paid for his membership like everyone else and he's not a cunt while he's in here. Why the hell would I do something like that for no good goddamn reason?"
  302. >...
  303. >Was he going to hold that position the whole time that he was talking to you or was he going to score the touchdown and hit the home run to beat the other guy?
  304. >...
  305. >You REALLY needed to watch more ball-hoof-sports...
  306. >With a grunt, Anon stood back up without difficulty, sucking in a mouthful of air before he squatted back down
  307. >"So what if he has a little facial hair now? So what if he's gotten a little bigger because of all of the SICK fucking gainz that he's been getting?"
  308. >Explosively exhaling, Anon stood back up
  309. >You couldn't help but shy away slightly as the plates on his back slapped together
  310. >"Flutter doesn't have any business coming in here and demanding that I don't let him come here anymore because she doesn't want him here."
  311. "I don't think that it's like that, Anon," you quickly say. "Flutter's just a little worried about her stallion."
  312. >Anon squatted back down, his nose scrunching up in thought
  313.  
  314. >Though he was as big as a house and a little... INTENSE at times, Anon was the rare stallion that almost always considered both sides of an argument before he went and said something
  315. >Though he was kind of a weirdo, you always respected that about him
  316. >A-Among other t-things. Those shoulders though. U-Unf~
  317. >"...You know, when Thunder first came in here he was a mess."
  318. >With a grunt, Anon picked himself up
  319. >"He was a cry baby, he complained about stupid shit that didn't matter and he was one of the biggest DYEL's that I've ever seen."
  320. >He squatted back down
  321. >"He was a babby bird lost in the wild, Twiggles. I took that lil' babby bird under my wing and I made him a fucking SICK cunt."
  322. >Anon started to raise and lower himself faster and faster, his tone becoming angrier and angrier
  323. >"I turned the baby bird into a swole sparrow that doesn't afraid of anything!"
  324. "...Anon, that doesn't make any--"
  325. >"And when I do that, when I show him that he had a fucking set of BALLS, Flutter and her herd try to come in here tellin' me to let him turn back into a bitch? Fuck that! Fuck it all day long!"
  326. "W-Well, Flutter was just a little concerned Thunderlane's trying to be something he's not. Maybe she things he's trying to punish them for something that--"
  327. >"THAT! That's the same bucking thing that Cup Cake said!"
  328. >Turning around, you saw Mr. Cake standing not that far away from you
  329. >There was a snarl on the stallion's face as he angrily curled a bar with some weights on it
  330. >"She thinks just because I want come time to myself to blow off a little steam that I'm just following some FAD."
  331. >Growling, he drops the bar
  332. >You jumped slightly at the loud bang it caused
  333. >"Maybe I just want to be a little healthier! Maybe I just want to look a little better whenever we go out together! Is there anything wrong with that?!"
  334. >As Mr. Cake began throwing more plates onto his bar you noticed a change in the air
  335.  
  336. >The stallions were muttering angrily at each other, tossing around their weights a little more aggressively than they had a second ago
  337. >Oh no...
  338. >You could feel the mother of all hissy fits coming on...
  339. >"Yeah!"
  340. >"Who do they thing they are?..."
  341. >"What's wrong with me wanting to lose a little weight? You'd THINK that they be happy that I wanted to look good for them..."
  342. >You took a step back, nervously coughing
  343. "Please, gentlecolts, I'm sure that they're--"
  344. >Mr. Cake's lips drew back into a snarl
  345. >"Well we're not going to stop going to this gym just because our mares told us so, princess. We're here because we want to be and we're going to STAY here until WE want to leave, not until our mares want us to!"
  346. >"YEAH!" about a dozen stallions yelled
  347. >Oh buck...
  348. >The hissy fit was coming...
  349. >To your surprise, even Anon looked slightly nervous about what you had brought about, his brow furrowed slightly as the rabble rabbled their little colt hearts out
  350. >...
  351. >This wasn't working...
  352. >You were just making these aggressive stallions even MORE aggressive...
  353. "Listen... Anon," you said, slowly backing away toward the door. "I'll talk to you about this later."
  354. >You bit back a yelp as a dumbbell sailed by your head
  355. >Don't run Sparkle
  356. >If you run that'll only excite them...
  357. >Anon nodded
  358. >"Alright, Twilight. I'll see you arou--Time Turner! If you keep slamming those fucking weights you're gonna break those fucking plates, and I swear to god if you do that I'm throwing you out a window!"
  359. >As the stallions' attention turned toward Anon, you bolted out of the gym
  360. >It was only when you were outside did you sigh in relief
  361. >...
  362. >Horse apples
  363. >You were going to have to think of a different approach...
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