overcoming opposition & feeling worthless

Saturday Night, I raced Yoshi’s Island WR speed runner 2Stop for a charity marathon for /srg/. I lost by over 15 minutes, and had my portion of the run mercy killed.

I knew I wasn’t in any condition to keep up with 2stop, nor felt comfortable racing in the first place, but I also feared being called out for declining the challenge and having subtweets about me insulting me for it.

The reality is, I feel incredibly insecure about speed running Yoshi’s Island. I’ve always felt guilty about how I’m the most known runner for it, yet aren’t the best, not even top 5 for the category I play. Kind of like a “Survivor’s Guilt”. I keep thinking “If I just trap myself in a bubble, away from all the criticism, and become great, I’ll finally be happy with myself”.

Needless to say, feeling like this isn’t the recommended mindset for a marathon where all the meme copypasta and exploits of my openness come full play.

When already nervous & anxious, 3 minutes behind when at 5-4 skip, and failing it for 8 minutes, and donations read telling me I’m pathetic, never was a speed runner, & to quit and die … it hurts.

I already don’t feel I’ve yet justified being in this scene in my own thoughts, and my logic fails to compute the insults as obvious bait because it -is- how I feel.

2Stop winning, and even letting the credits play-out, out of mercy, wasn’t, at all, a factor. I knew I was gonna lose/be behind. The first half of the race was pleasant to participate in.

My initial thoughts were to quit, as I’ve almost committed to in the past. Speed running isn’t as happy/supportive/inviting as it used to be before streaming picked up in 2011.

Then it was to make an alt, abandon webcam, and isolate myself to where only the gameplay was the obligation in streaming.

After talking to some of my friends, and getting consoled, I feel I’m ready to come back. Hopefully stronger from really having to address all of this head-on.

For the first time, maybe being open about this will help me, or even help you. In the past when feeling like this, I would go afk for like 5-6 days and come back incredibly insecure about everything, and stream out of guilt, rather than pleasure.

I’ll see you all tonight!
-trihex, Dec 22 2014

P.S.

I did get some incredibly nice PM’s from some supportive friends that I wish I had responded to, but when in that isolation of depression, nothing seems helpful. It’s crazy how the power of perspective can do that.

Sorry if this seems rant-ish or moopy. I wrote it in a hurry.