If you are reading this, it means that I have killed myself.
Just for the hell of it, I’m going to try to explain why it has come to this in the best way that I can. I don’t have to, but you know, I feel like I should. If there was a perfect time to explain how I truly saw everything, this is the time.
I feel like I owe it to some people, even though it really doesn’t matter.
For one thing, I was born in a society governed by rules, customs, and standards. Those who do not fit these standards are never really able to function in the society. They have a choice; to either make their own life or fail at their life.
A lot of you know that I’m kind of weird. Even so, I’m pretty sure that none of you know how off in the head I am. You see, up until high school my life has been devoid of any real rich experiences. As a child, I never had the opportunity to experience toys, friends, playing, or communication. My parents just never thought it was important for me to have anybody in my life other than themselves. Because of this, I was not introduced to other people for much of my childhood.
I know, bear with me here. I have to explain myself first before I can finish. In middle school, I didn’t have the knowledge of basic social behavior. So, all the people who were good to be friends with, well, didn’t want to be my friend. You see, I wasn’t exactly a good kid in middle school. The people who I was frequently around did drugs and treated me like nothing. I’ve had some pretty horrible experiences in middle school, but they aren’t worth explaining, since they are pretty common amongst many  people.
All that’s said and done, I could have forgotten about all of it in high school. I moved to a new town, essentially leaving my past behind. People didn’t have to know about me or what I’ve done. I could have started fresh.
But I couldn’t, or didn’t, or wouldn’t.
In my world, which had all up until high school been governed by pain, just could not change. I’ve never found a way to live that felt normal to me. Every attempt of living with the people made me feel fake. Soon, I began to see that everybody was fake. I found out that I was unable to grow up, since I was still stuck in the past due to all the experiences that I never had the chance to gain. I wasn’t able to look at any future, and I’m still not able to. Any future that I can imagine is just a reflection of the past, and I can’t imagine anything different.
Because of this, I’ve felt disconnected with everything in life. I couldn’t make anything interesting happen, so others saw me as worthless. I feel like, no matter who I see or talk to, everyone is just the same. Maybe because I’ve only tried talking to “normal” about my problems, which by normal I mean people who I’ve observed to be living life with at least some success over me. Even though they are normal doesn’t mean everybody isn’t as sick as I am. They’ve just learned to cope with it I guess.
Those people are all the same. And it makes sense too, at least in my version of sociology. No matter what face they put on, none of them know what they want in life. None of them want to open their minds. None of them truly care about those that they don’t want to care about. And all they do is help one another keep a closed mind on the way our world truly works.