JARant PT1

Jupiter Ascending is NOT bad you fucking twat. It was a goddamn masterpiece of a trash fire composed of self indulgence and every stupid trope anyone could ever think of while being inclusive and creative and NEW. Bad movies don't have stellar casts that put their legitimate ALL into their parts and the production. Also? Sean Bean DIDN'T FUCKING DIE. That makes it a gold star movie right off the fucking bat because it broke the norm of this man's career. The effort that the Wachowskis put into every corner of this movie is phenomenal and underappreciated by the masses. Sean Bean's character, Stinger, is a bee splice, right? Like this motherfucker has bee DNA in his body and you know how much detail they put into that? THEY GAVE HIM HEXAGONAL IRISES. They gave this man irises that are the shape of honeycombs, because he has bee DNA. Also his daughter, Kiza? An absolute fucking savage peach. "Don't drag me into your male mating rituals" is easily one of the best lines in the entire film, and it's over her dad beating the shit out of a space werewolf. And WHILE we're on the subject of the space werewolf, let's talk about how fucking cool Caine Wise is for a minute. Super soldier, runt of his litter, has gravitational space boots that let him glide and float using space equations he tries to explain to an immigrant girl from Chicago that ends up being the OWNER of EARTH. Also? They gave legitimate reason for Channing Tatum (Caine) to run around shirtless. Not just gratuitous half nudity or fanservice, legitimate reason. That being that his shirt got fucked up while he was defending Jupiter (the Earth girl) from space goblins trying to kill her so she can't claim Earth's title from her previous incarnation's weird Oedipus ass son. Eddie Redmayne by the way? Absolutely fucking phenomenal in his role as said Oedipus ass son. Peak selfish villain character. PEAK. Okay, I think I'm done. Unless someone eggs me on more.