Thread 14: Stories 46-60

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Chrysalis"
~~~

>Huh.

"Ta-daaaa!"

>Okay, so... changing colors? I just assumed you could do that. What with the disguise capabilities.

"...Well, yeah, I guess that technique is a bit, well, obsolete in hindsight."

>Is there any technique you won't show me?

"...Wellll, yeah, one. This is all myth at the moment, so don't pin me down, but SUPPOSEDLY, there was once a Queen who could destroy the world."

>...How?

"I'm not a hundred percent on the science, but supposedly she could use a technique to super-heat the air to launch a ball of plasma so powerful it could level continents. It was discovered while she was drowning, if the legends told are true. Under the water, she just kind of snapped and discovered she could shoot energy balls by, er, snapping, I guess."

>Huh... what was the down side?

"...The fucking world would blow up. The plasma ball was hotter than the SUN, and imagine setting off something like that in our atmosphere. Good bye, air!"

>Well, it's clearly fake, since we're all here.

"Yeah, probably. I mean, an animal that can shoot plasma balls hotter than the sun? That's ridiculous."

>Makes no sense.

"Just silly."

>And unrealistic.

"...By the way, the color change thing works on my insides too. You ever wanted to get jiggy with a blue alien?"

>No, but I'm pretty sure somewhere in the universe, Poindexter just popped a boner.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>32
"Pommel"
'42'

We join the two changelings outside the Simulator, 32's right foreleg is in a cast and 42 is looking quite amused.

'So what did we learn?'

>The light weight build of the gryphon form combined with the kick of that particular shotgun leads to ABSOLUTE PAIN AND AGONY!

'Seriously, I could have told you that, hell, I bet anyone could have told you that.'

>True, but it pays to be thorough in these matters, and what's a few broken bones when you're looking to advance your species, chrome dome?

'One of these days I'm headbutting you so hard you're going to shatter like a vase.'

>Can it be after I'm done doing these tests? I'm almost done going through the armory in gryphon form. Then it's just about four more sentient species, and a few monsters after that...cakewalk.

'Fine, rain check, but the headbutt is coming, and you won't get a warning either.'

>Oh joy.

"Uh...hello?"

Pommel pokes his head into the room, looking nervous.

"I was told to come down here by-"

>Ah, Pommel! Come in come in, my friend.

'What's he doing down here?'

32 grins as Pommel enters the room, shrinking under 42's gaze.

>It's something of an agreement between 77 and I, dear Pommel here is to be put under my direct tutelage in the ways of fighting, tactics, and espionage.

'What, why?'

>Pommel here is a good friend and a member of the guard, it's in my best interest to increase his skill and therefore his chances of survival. Besides, you and 77 are tutoring the little dragon, the only difference here is in species.

42 shakes her head.

'Whatever you say, 32. Neither of you come crying to me when this whole thing goes down in flames.'

>Ah but it's so easy to find you, Sister! What with the clankety clankety clank every time you move your head.

'Two! You're up to two headbutts, I'm keeping a count now.'

42 leaves, 32 grins at Pommel.

>It's great to reconnect with family, isn't it?

"I guess SOMEONE would call that reconnecting. Now what was that about training me?"

>Yes, yes, follow me. Due to my current state of affairs we're relegated to theory, but if my days underground taught me anything, it's that I'm a fast healer.

32 leads the way to the drilling ground, an increasingly eager Pommel close behind.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"Celestia"
~~~~

>This is the dumbest game I've ever played.

"H-HOW!? HOW DO YOU KEEP DOING IT!?"

>I pick a spot, you and me roll the little dice, and what happens, happens.

"How am I already boxed in!?"

>I dunno. I just keep going in random patterns because this is SO BORING.

"Okay, I can still pull back with- DON'T YOU DARE!"

>What? I like that ones color.

"It's my last stronghold!"

>Sucks to be you, I guess.

"NOOOOO! I'm being pounded into the dirt with this!"

>HAH! Innuendo. SEXY innuendo.

"..."

>...I guess there's not really another kind, is there? It is a bit redundant. But hey, look on the positive side, today you can finally go home and say "someone totally nailed me from the rear."

"SCREW YOU!"

>The instant I get a solar-proof power up and the fucking SKY stops trying to hurt me, I will get right on that.

"Okay, new rule! Risk is officially banned from Equestria!"

>We're in the Empire.

"...Shit! I need to go tell Shiny to-"

>Can't. Two loves this game.

"CURSES!"

>By the way, I won while you were whining.

"DAAAAAMN!"

>And we're out of alcohol.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMNNNNN!"

>Stop cursing so much, for fucks sake.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Dadling
"Bat-mom"
~~~

"GET AWAY FROM THAT LIGHT!"

>But it's soooo preeeee-*BZZZT!* OW! EVERY TIME!

"It's for the MOSQUITO'S, not you!"

>I know, I'm not stupid! I just... wow, that really is beautifu-*BZZT*! OW!

"Stop it!"

>Alright! Jeez...

"..."

>....*BZZZT!*

"I'm taking it back."

>NOOOOOO!*BZZT!*
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>AJ
"Rarity"
'Dash'
[Cadance]
~~~
"So, Applejack, I've been thinking-"

>Now there's a real rarity!

"Oh, haha. Did you take all night to figure that one out?"

>Ah got it 'round two, so you were sayin'?

"Well, I realize you're one of my best friends, and you've taken good care of Spike when I could not..."

>Rarity... Ya'll ain'-

"I think we should go into a threeway relationship!"

>... Whut?

"Think about it: he's hurting and under stress, so are you, I think you have an ass that won't quit, and I don't mind sharing if it also means sharing you."

Applejack turns into an increasingly red and stuttering mess

"Now, as for how it would work out in bed-"

'Can you please not talk about that here?! Some of us are trying to eat!'

"Twilight, Pinkie, and Fluttershy don't mind."

'Fluttershy ran off to 'her bunk' and wants no calls.'

"You know, I notice that our poor little Rainbow Dash seems so forsaken by love- I-DEA! You know what I'm thinking?"

'Oh, no... Please, NO-'

Rarity lifts up Dash and begins dancing away with her

"Matchmaker! Matchmaker! Make her a match!"

'HEEEEEEEELP!'

Suddenly, Cadance sweeps in and

Joins Rarity

[Find her a find!]

"[Catch her a catch!
Night after night poor Dashie's alone
So let's find her a maaaaaatch
of her own!]"

'SOMEONE, PLEASE KILL MEEEE!!!!'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Cadence
{Various}
"???"
~~~~
No.

No, not this!

Those were the only words in the mind of the Alicorn of Love as she sat in the center of blindingly white room. The very same room she had been brought into when she ascended to her new form.

But there was no loving smile of her dear Aunt to greet her this time, nor the feeling of a warm glow reaching out to her to fill her with an amazing, ethereal feeling of joy. It was cold, alien... meaning...

As if a geyser of energy had gone off, several columns of light shot up all around her, forming a half circle before her.

{Cadenza Mi Amore.}

Such a powerful voice came from the pillar in the center. So warm, and yet so sad.

{Do you know why we have brought you here?}

Her throat swelled in fear.

{So you do!}

{You must know how disappointed we are in you.}

They might as well have shot her in the heart. It would have been less painful.

{We held our tongue as you neglected him.}

{Ignored them.}

{Ignored your duties.}

{But no more.}

>N-No! Wait! I bring love to all of my subjects! I do! And I visit them, and talk to them during the worst days, and... and I try! I try really hard!

{We were proud as we watched you give light to your subjects when Sombra returned, but...}

{But there were no kind words spoke from you as they wallowed in fear and sadness.}

{You relied on others to step forward and bring them happiness.}

{But we forgave you, sure you would grow from it. But this...}

{This is inexcusable!}

{Instead of fostering love, these last few months have had you doing everything you could to kill it!}

>I-I-I HAVE NOT! I have done no such thing!

{Then explain your actions! Explain your neglect, and your unwillingness to help the Changelings!}

>I... I didn't... I forgave them, didn't I? Isn't that...

{NO! It is not enough! They were starving, breaking, and you would not help them.}

>...They kidnapped me, hurt me, tried to...

{Even now, you seek to drive a wedge between him and them!}

{INEXCUSABLE!}

Ghostly forms surrounded her, ones she recognized all too well.

>I- I don't want him to not care about them! I don't try to stop it when they spend time together-

{You chastise him, make him afraid to become too attached to them!}

{He could foster so much more love with them.}

{Motivate them to reach stunning heights.}

{Heal wounds that run so deep.}

{Sooth an ache that has gone on for so long.}

{He could do so many things, but you stand in his way. Worse, you fight him, make him afraid that you will think him unfaithful.}

{So selfish.}

>...H-he... No, screw you! I don't have to share him! He doesn't even want me to! You stupid glowing pillar thingamgics don't even know! He's MY husband, and if I want him to only be mine then you better just deal with it! You got a problem with that, tell it to my bony backside!

They were quiet after that, for far, far too long.

{...We have made a mistake.}

And just like that, Cadence now knew the magic words to make a ponies heart feel like it was made of solid lead.

>N-no, wait, I-I was just a little... don't...

{It is far too late.}

>NO! No, I'm not... Can't I be selfish in this one thing!? Can't I just have this ONE THING that's mine alone!? Why is everyone demanding I give him up!? I LOVE HIM!

{We understand the power of the heart, and what it can do. But this is not how the very magical embodiment of love should act.}

{But you are in luck. Your actions are justified... for a normal pony.}

>N-NO!

Too late.The same white magic that made her feel so alive consumed her once again, but it did not give. It took. It took everything from her.

The horn on her head disappeared, and she fell once again, broken. A piece missing. A piece she would never get back.

{He will succeed, where you have failed. We know this.}

She heard the hoofsteps behind her, but she did not look. She did not need to listen for the beat of a pair of wings to know what was behind her. She did not need to ask in order to know what he was going to say. It would be the same thing he said every night.

"I'll use them well, I promise."

And there he was, standing in the most brilliant of white lights, proudly displaying his new wings.

"And I'll never stop loving you."

And just like every night, she woke up.

And just like every night, she reached up and felt the horn on her head, her brain too groggy to remember that she had done this so many times before.

And just like every night, the smile on her face slowly melted into a sad, regretful frown.

He was soundly asleep next to her, face pointed towards the wall, making her unable to see his face.

Just like every night before, she wiped the regretful tears from her eyes, and ran a forlorn hoof along his back, which remained free of any wings.

She curled up against him, burying her face into his blue mane, oblivious to the tears she was leaving in his hair. Her horn suddenly felt heavy, far too heavy to hold upright.

>You deserve this...

The whisper escaped her just before sleep reclaimed her, thankfully sparing her another dream for the night.

Sadly, just like every night, it prevented her from hearing his reply.

"You're wrong."

NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Stop

Heavy footfalls echoed through Canterlot's Castle halls. The din of each claw striking and crushing the marble loud enough to be heard even over the panicked shouts and screams.

Please stop

A certain changeling skidded to a halt in front of him, standing as a barrier as strong as a thousand royal guards. She was shouting some plea that fell deaf on his ears.

Stop me please

Pain exploded through out his jaw as the warrior cracked it with a powerful and lighting fast kick, a shooting pain in his back told him of another changeling, working a shard of bone beneath his scales and trying to punch through to his spines, and a third was racing towards him with razor blades and grim determination.

No

The actual battle was a blur, he was in pain, but would soon recover. Heavy claws pinned his battered foes.

Please no

His jaw opened.

No no no no no no no no no no

Their blood would give him new vitality.

STOP

Sword-like fangs easily tore through hardened chitin, pulling three heads from three bodies, stilling them forever. Spike would then gorge himself on the rest of 42, 77, and PJ's remains.

"NOOO!"

Spike sits up in his bed, shaking and feeling unusually cold.

A chance glance at a calendar made him wince.

His birthday was next week.

"Well that explains the nightmares."
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>42
"55"
[Various]
~~~~

The town of Apploosa always felt off to the warrior Changeling. She hated the dry, dusty air. So unlike the cool, crisp air around the Empire. It made her nose itch, and she just did not like it. Still, coming here personally was necessary. She may have to pull rank, and 77 might react oddly. He didn't know this poor sods history, not like she did.

The salt-lick saloon was as rambunctious as she expected it to be. Lots of cheering, jeering and even a brawl or two. But she was not here for fights, she was here for a little something else.

The something sitting at the bar, gnawing on a solid block of salt like it was a chew toy.

>You're making an idiot of yourself.

The 'patron' went rigid, eyes darting around.

"Well, evenin' thar' ma'am! What can ah' do ye' for around these parts? Ya' need some duhrections? Because I have no idea where anything is, I just wander around a lot."

>At least keep the accent the whole way through, for fucks sake.

"...Dunna what'cha talkin' bout there, mate!"

>Pick an accent. One. You get ONE accent.

"...'ello govna!"

>Not that one.

"Errr, wha' do ya' mean? 55? Like, the number? That's silly! Who would name themselves a number! That's just regoddangdiculous."

>...Your mustache is falling off.

"I, uh... brushed it weird?"

>Look, as loath as I am to actually be saying this, Shining Armor is putting together a team, and you are high on the considerations list. I know, I was shocked too, but he's weird like that.

"W-well, I, uh, I'm flattered! But why me?"

>Your skills as the Phantom Rider-

[Demon Rider!]

>...

[...Well, that's what he's called!]

[Wait, you sure? I thought he was called the Fire Rider, because of all the fire.]

[That makes more sense than Star Rider.]

[But he looks like a star!]

"...I-, I mean, he does not! Not that I would know, never seen him face to face, it's allllll a weird legend that totally isn't true. Right?"

[Right.]

>...Are any of you actually fooled? Be straight with me.

Everyone suddenly found something else more interesting to look at.

[Fooled about what?]

[She's speaking gibberish at this point.]

[So weird.]

She just sighed.

"Well, miss'a, I'll keep this here eye out fer' that, what'cha call him, 59? But uh, iffin' I should see him, and he should happen to mention... stayin' round these here parts, what do ya' want ta' say to that?"

It was at this point that 42 noticed the not too subtle leaning of every patron in the room slightly in her direction.

>Tell him, if you see him, he can stay as long as he wants. It's his life. Just mail someone so we know you're still alive?

"Can do!... If i see him, I mean."

She would have rolled her eyes in pity if someone hadn't burst into the room just then.

[B-bandits! There's a whole bunch'a them up the railway line! They're gonna tear that poor train apart!]

On edge, 42 tensed up, and prepared to join in the group that was sure to jump to their hooves.

Not a one moved.

"...LOOK OVER THERE! A THING!"

As one, they all looked in the direction he had pointed, and kept looking even as he started pouring gasoline all over himself. Whether he noticed her staring openly at him, she would never say. All she would be able to say was that her eyeballs were going to feel dry for a week thanks to that fireball that went off in front of her.

He went through the ceiling, and all was quiet.

[...Boy, Silver-Star, what a lovely night it is!]

[Ah'll say, so glad Ah' decided ta' put that skylight in there.]

[Eeeeeahuh.]

And then they just continued on. Not a one of them worried.

Despite herself, 42 had a smile as she turned around, and started to head home.

After she helped kick some bandit ass, obviously. Because why the fuck not?
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Chrysalis
"Mane-iac"
'SA'
~~~

>MWAHAHAHAHAHAAH!

"No no, you need to do if from the chest, not the stomach. Like so.... AAAAHHAHAHAHAH!"

>That's more of a cackle, though. I'm going for a more sinister mwaha.

"But it didn't sound sinister, it sounded like you wanted them to HEAR you, not fear you."

>Oh....Mwaha...mwhahaha... AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Much better! The slow buildup was a nice touch."

>Thank you!

"So, how goes your quest to WIN THE FOOOOOLISH LOVE OF LUMINOUS SHIELD, SO THAT YOU MAY TAKE OVER THE WOOOOOOOORLDAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

>Meh.

"Sorry to hear that."

>Eh, it's not bad. Get to live in a kickass castle and pester him all the time.

"Then I am happy for you! AHAHAHAHHAHA!"

>...Want to go grab a fuckton of pies and see how well he can dodge?

"DO I!?... I do not know, I do not recognize the form of measurement. Is it alot?'

>It is.

"THEN WE SHALL THROW ALLLLLL OF THE PIES! AAAAHAHAHHAHAH!"

>MWAAAAHAHAHAHHA!

>"AHAHAHAHAHAHHA!"

'I have regrets.'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Spike
“Pinkie Pie”
‘Spike thoughts’
________

The vast stadium of Canterlot was empty except for the two figures gathered at its center. Spike stood in a sea of confusion as he watched the poppy, bubble-gum pink mare known as Pinkie Pie stretch herself in ways that would make Blossomforth look stilted.

>Truth time? Truth time. I’m a little surprised that you asked me to come to the stadium, Pinkie.

“Well a-duuuuh! Course you are! I specialize in surprises, silly!”

That was so true Spike almost facepalmed.

>Okaaaay, but… why?

Pinkie had contorted her seemingly elastic body into a triangle.

“Nnnngh… take a guess!”

>Well, the only reason people come to this stadium is to fight but-

“Exactly!”

>…Exactly what?

“You and me, we’re gonna whip it up like cupcake batter!”

>You gotta be joking.

“Nopers! I may be giggling right now but that’s only because I’m remembering this funny joke I was telling Cranky about a tire and a socket wrench and they… they, uh, shucks, I forget what the punchline was! Darn! Look, just trust me, it was the most hilarious thing ever! But really, I couldn’t be more serious.”

Even if Pinkie proclaimed to be ‘serious’ that didn’t stop Spike from lifting a hand to his mouth to stifle his chuckles. This mare… Celestia above she could be funny as all hell at times.

>Okay… okay, so let me get this straight. You want to fight me.

“You got it, Spikey!”

>Pft, alright. Can I ask why?

“Wellllll, if you really wanna know the whole truth and nothin’ but the truth so help you Celestia, I’ve just been watching you and the other members of the Gun Club fight and spar and knock each other silly! It’s been fun selling bootleg movies of those fights on the side, too, made a lotta bits!”

>...You were recording our… no, never mind, we’ll circle back around to that. Go on.

“After watching you lose to 42 in the grand whammy finale and discussing it with the ponies who bought the special edition cut-”

>…

“-it suddenly hit me that you don’t have a fighting style!”

>Because I’m a dragon?

Pinkie’s tail twitcha-twitched and she beamed a sugary smile.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t adopt a new one all your own, ya silly billy!”

Her comical offer was appreciated, it really was, but Spike already knew there wasn’t a single thing that the cotton candy mare could possibly teach him, especially in the way of fighting. Add to it, he already had 42 as his mentor.

>Listen, Penka Poe-

She cut him off with a grievous sigh.

“First the anons, now you….”

>Say what?

“Nothing!”

>Huh. Well, anyway, I appreciate the offer, Pinkie, but 42 is already teaching me. I mean, you must know that, what with illegally selling copies of our fights and all….

With a trilling giggle, Pinkie produced from who-knows-where a slip, an official contract actually, complete with all six signatures of the Gun Club members. There wasn’t much Spike could do but tilt his head at the sight of his own chickenscratch handwriting.

>How did-

“My special sleepy-time muffins can work wonders, heehee! But anyway, it’s all legal schmegal and of course I know 42 is tanning your scales… but heeeey, tell ya what, Spikey! We go one measly round, and if you beat me? You know those super rare diamond cakes you love so much? I’ll bake you one everyday for a year! But if I win, I get to give you some extra special lessons!”

Prior restraints be damned. Now she speaking his language and his stomach gave an agreeing growl.

>You’re on, Pinkie. Although I think we should use Twi’s simulation room, it takes care of injuries and such. It’s not like I’m gonna be trying to hurt you but accidents happen and it’s better to be safe than sorry.

There was apparently something in Spike’s suggestion that Pinkie found uproariously funny because she rose up on her tippy-hooves, head thrown back in a cacophony of laughter.

“HAHAHAHAHA, Sp-Spike! Spikey, c’mon now, pffffft… you… you can’t be serious! No, we’ll do it riiiight here with nothing but the hard ground to catch us if we fall!”

Sighing, Spike shifted into a stance of no name, lifting both hands and spreading his legs a bit.

>Have it your way, Pinkus.

“Yaay! This is gonna be so much fun!”

‘If I can just take her out quickly this’ll be over before she hurts herself. Plus, free cakes for a year!’

>On three. One…

“Twoooooo…”

>“Three!”

When Pinkie dove at him, the muscles in Spike’s legs tensed, prepared to sidestep and get her in one of his more tamer submission hol-

“OOF!”

Spike could only stare when Pinkie tripped over her own hooves and thudded to the ground on her chin.

>…

“Oooow, ow ow ow ouch! Well, that coulda gone better, hahaha! Guess it’s been longer than I thought….”

>Longer than you thought since what?

“Since this, silly! Alright, let’s try again! Go!”

The pattern she used to zigzag towards him was somewhat surprising and Spike had to commend her, even if it was highly predictable. He took a half step back, then extended a fist as gently as he could towards her shoulder.

‘Nice and easy, Spike, you don’t wanna hurt-’

Pain stunted his thoughts when Pinkie swerved around his fist and elbowed him in the gut, then followed it by lifting her forehoof into his face.

>GAH!

Spike stumbled back clutching his nose but he didn’t feel any liquid, no blood, just a painful throbbing. In front of him, Pinkie was giggling as she watched him stagger about.

“Talk about rusty… that was supposed to break your nose!”

‘Feels like she did!’

>Pinkie, what… what was that just then?

“That was my fighting style, Spikey! I call it Jeet Kune Doe. Pretty neat, huh?”

Still tenderly feeling his nose, Spike nodded.

>Pretty painful is what it is, dang…

“Ha! If you think that’s something, you should see Cheesy when he gets going! But now…”

The stagnant atmosphere of the coliseum shifted in tune with Pinkie’s motions, growing sharper and stiflingly hostile, and Spike watched in disbelief as she slowly rotated her arms in a wide circle, the sheer skill exhibited leaving behind afterimages.

“…Let’s get serious, yeah?”

‘Oh sh-’

Something hard and flat crashed into the side of Spike’s face. As he fell in what felt like slow motion, his brain struggled to parse what had happened. He clearly saw Pinkie throw a punch, but midway through the strike her entire arm blurred and then there was pain.

‘How the hell…?’

The second he touched ground he was rolling backwards and onto his feet, hands lifted cautiously as he studied Pinkie’s form. Her smile was gone and she stood on her rear legs, one hoof just below her chin and the other just barely extended. It warped his mind when he couldn’t find a single chink in her defense.

‘Well… if there’s no hole then I’ll just have to make one!’

Using a combination of his tail and feet, Spike pushed off in a blast of debris, going for a gut shot that Pinkie easily countered by lifting her knee into his wrist; he instantly felt three blows against his chest and a leg sweep that landed him square on his back, coughing. Instincts made him roll just as her hoof came down, intending to crush his throat.

She waited until he was on his feet before stepping forward herself, unleashing a barrage of blows that shifted into one another seamlessly. Spike did a good job at blocking a majority of them but couldn’t figure out a solid pattern; she went from elbow, punch, punch to knee, punch, elbow, punch all in quick succession.

‘Dang it! What is this, I can’t even find an opening! It’s like she’s using every limb at the same time!’

A swift thud to his stomach caused Spike to belch a plume of green flames that did nothing but conceal the pink hoof that punched right through the fire. He instantly bent over backwards and kicked out a leg that she dodged by leaping, landing perfectly on his outstretched limb.

>How the fu-

“Gotta flow like water to do what I do. Don’t think, just feel.”

And she lifted a leg, holding it aloft for the smallest of seconds before slamming it into his chest, effectively downing the dragon, nearly embedding him in the earth. She stared down at Spike in his crater.

“Give up yet?”

She got her answer when Spike suddenly flipped himself upright. He didn’t make any fists, no, his fingers were splayed and claws exposed. His mouth was open in a rolling snarl, fangs glistening with a fair amount of blood.

“Oh goodie, getting serious, are we? Now *this* is what I wanted to see. C’mon! Lemme show you why I think Jeet Kune Doe would be perfect for you while I kick your scaly butt all up and down this stadium with it.”

~~~~

When Spike had entered the stadium with Pinkie to unknowingly do battle, Celestia had only just raised the sun. By the time they left, Luna’s moon was high and unburdened with clouds.

Spike’s right eye was swollen shut, a few of his scales were chipped, and twin trails of blood escaped his nose as he limped down the hall supported by Pinkie Pie who, likewise, looked to have been dragged through the mud: her mane was all out of whack, a few of the balloons on her cutie mark were deflated, and she bore an impressive amount of blood-oozing claw marks all along her sides with a particularly deep one etched into the side of her neck.

But she was smiling. And so was Spike.

“See? Didn’t that feel worlds better when we hit each other and it was real? And you wanted to use a simulation, pft!”

>You’re right… you are right….

“And that’s not all! Youuuu lost! Know what means?”

Talking was very much a painful chore for Spike who felt as though his throat were collapsing.

>That… that you get to teach me… Jeet Kune Doe…?

“Exactly! If you think 42’s been beatin’ your brain to slosh, just wait until I get my hooves on ya! Trust me, you’re gonna carry that pain, hahaha!”

>…I’m not even mad.

NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>SA
"Celestia"
'Chrysalis'
-Cadence-
~~~~

>Uh, sweetie? You... sure you want to be a part of this?

-What? I can be nutty just as good as you guys can!-

'HAH!'

"I don't think you understand what we get up to."

-Well, fine! Show me! I can do... like... cool stuff! See! I can put on a hat on backwards too!-

"Why would we wear hats?"

>I wear one when I'm out on the field, maybe she means that? Cadence, we're not doing sports stuff.

'What, this doesn't count as a sport?'

>No, Chrysalis, 'launching ourselves out of a trebuchet' is not a sport. I'm pretty sure wanting to do it at all qualifies as a medical condition.

'Hey now, we've got reasons!'

"That's right, we're gathering important info on the soil around Canterlot. Every crater we leave is one more day of work that my subjects are spared."

'It's a public service.'

>How silly of me. So, who's going first?

-ME!-

>...Uh, honey, we normally let Chrysalis go first, because, um...

'Because CLEARLY I'm the most important one, and thus I get first dibs.'

>That. Sure. Let's go with that.

-NO! I am going first!-

>Honey, really, we haven't tested it yet-

-If you love me, then I get to go first.-

>...

'DAAAAAAAMN!'

"Ouch."

>...O-okay, if, uh, if you say so. Just let me bubble you up real quick-

-No! You wouldn't bubble her, you're not going to bubble me!-

>What? I totally bubble them-

-DON'T CARE! LAUNCH ME!-

'DONE!'

>CHRYSALIS WAIT-.... aahhhhh...

"There she goes...'

'...And goes.... and goes... and goes... Wow, I'm glad she went first, this thing is WAY too high strung.'

"...Still going..."

'...Any chance she's a master teleporter?'

"Nope."

>...Okay, just so we're all clear, we absolutely cannot call her on this when she gets back... or when we scrape her out of the side of that mountain, which is looking way more likely.

'HAH!'

>Please?

'...FIIIINE!'

"I think she's suffered enough."

>Celly? She hasn't even landed yet. She had not yet begun to suffer...

"..."

'....BAM! HAH!'
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Another day, another hell of grueling training, between Pinkie's techniques, 42's techniques, 77's survival practice, group training, and at long last, a long endurance match.

It began with just 42 and 77 in line, then Diamond Tiara wanted it, having brought her non-lethal munitions, 32 wanted to test himself, Shining Armor got in at some point and wanted in, then Twilight, Potatojack, and now Pinkie had decided she wanted to give Spike one last push.

In his current state, Spike was getting, almost literally danced around and locked within a dazed state from a flurry of strikes he felt unable to defend against, and any counter he might try, Pinkie easily evaded.

Despite the mounting frustration and rage, the strange part was how distant Spike was beginning to feel from it all, how numb and uninvested he personally began to feel in this fight.

"Come on, Spike!" he urged himself. "What kind of thinking is that? You always gotta try your best." He then attempted to will himself into a tenth wind but found his body unheeding of his commands. "Heh, maybe I'm just becoming a masochist. Those hits are actually starting to feel kind of good." Despite his light joke, he tried again.

And again.

"Come on... Come on. Walk, damn me!"

Then, the heat and exhaustion he felt was washed away with the ice water that poured over his mind as he felt something familiar but alien beginning to move his arms.

"Alright, come on, Pinkie, I think the little guy's had enough!" 42 called as she casually leapt down into the pit and caught the tumbling dragon.

"Okie! sorry, I guess I got carried away... Sorry about that, Spikey! The last fight was kind of nice so I was hoping for something else like that. Can you forgive me?" Pinkie asked with increasing nervousness at Spike's silence.

"Kid's gone and exhausted himself... He really needs to learn to throw in the towel some times..." 42 scolded to no one.

"And we're such WONDERFUL people to teach him 'throwing in the towel'!" 77 snarked from the stands causing a bit of laughter.

"Whoa- hey!" 42 interjected when Spike suddenly stood up on his own, his eyes narrowed on pinkie, breathing even and a small jet of flames leaving his nostrils in a snort.

Pinkie suddenly bounced with excitement. "You can still fight! this is amazing! you got your nth wind! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" Pinkie cheered, followed with a quick bow and fell back into her stance

From the stands, however, Twilight's face took on a deathly palor while staring at a a projection of Spike's vitals from her horn. "N-No... Spike can't have recovered unless... PINKIE PIE, 42! GET OUT OF THERE!"

She shouted the very instant Spike took a direct hit from one of Pinkie's strikes without even flinching and opened his jaw to bite and tear into Pinkie's legs

"HE'S OUTTA CONTROL!"

It was only Pinkie's fast reflexes combined with 42 head butting Spike that saved Pinkie's legs. What shocked 42 the most was when she felt Spike's claws dig deep into her chitin and hurl her into a recovering Pinkie.

In a flash, Shining Armor had put himself between Spike and the mares and created a barrier.

Then watched in horror as Spike's claws punched through his shield and slowly tore it open.

In another flash, Twilight had teleported the trio out before Spike could lay into them, and in a panicked act of desperation, Twilight hit an emergency release valve pouring gallons of liquid amber which rapidly cooled and solidified around Spike until he was trapped in place.

"... Next time..." Shining Armor breathlessly began. "Pinkie fights spike first."

NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>32
"Pommel"
'77'

Within the training room of the Gun Club, 32 and 77 observe Pommel as the young guard trots in place, rythmically bobbing left and right to dodge phantom blows from phantom foes.

>Now remember, Pommel, in combat it is important to keep the battle on your terms. Never allow the enemy to turn a locale or circumstance against you. Situational awareness is the key to victory, especially in cluttered up spaces like this.

32 gestures his cast-clad leg at the large amount of discarded objects and pieces of scrap metal lying on the ground. 77 grimaces and rolls his eyes.

'You're the one who decided to barge in just after I finished sparring with Tiara.'

>Not complaining, the debris and detritus really helps my lecture. Pommel, for the next five minutes I want you to scan the area, identify any possible weapons, pick them up, and try to use them. Begin!

Pommel's head jerked from this side to that, the guard trying to find something to improvise as a weapon.

'There's a broken bottle RIGHT next to you!'

>Hey, no helping him, he's got to learn this on his own or he'll never get good at it.

'Why you chose this kid as your lackey I'll never know, he's so raw a recruit he might as well have salmonella.'

>Ah, but dear brother, whereas you and 42 favor a more scaly student, I prefer the underdogs. The ones who aren't the smartest, or the strongest, or the most skilled, or coordinated, or charming, or-!

"I'm standing right here y'know!"

'And you still haven't picked up that bottle!'

Pommel grumbles and returns to his drill.

>As I was saying, I intend to mold dear Pommel into a real Equestrian hero, a scrappy fighter with a never say die attitude! You and 42 on the other hand are just garnishing something that time is going render obsolete.

77's eyes narrow.

'Explain.'

>Your protege is a dragon, a baby dragon. Babies grow up, one day all your survival skills, metal head's brutality, PJ's acrobatics, Tiara's weapons, and my unabashed dirty fighting are going to mean nothing! Wanna know why?

77 grits his teeth.

'Why?'

32 smirks and stomps his healing leg on the ground five times.

>Squish! Squish! Squish! Squish! And a-squish! Face facts, mon freur, you're just throwing oil on nature's greatest death machine. Swarm save our souls once the little fellow hits puberty.

'Hm...'

Any further points 32 has are cut off when his cast is yanked off by Pommel's magic and swung about in the air. 32 stumbles about in surprise for a moment, then laughs as he regains his footing.

>Gah! Oh! Oh very good Pommel! I did not see that one coming!

32 gingerly walks up to praise his student, leaving 77 to sit and think on his brother's words.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Red
"Blue"
'Green'
[Indigo]
{Yellow}
~42~
~~~~

>Now, I know this looks bad...

"Really bad..."

'As bad as a collapsed stadium can look, I guess...'

[But we want you to know...]

{It totally wasn't our fault.}

The soldier Changeling just looked around at the carnage, the devastation, and the untold amounts bits of property damage this had caused, and she signed.

>...Just saying, why is "Inflammable" synonymous with "Flammable"?

"It's like, we have a word for flammable. Flammable. Why would we need TWO words that mean the exact same thing, and make the second word sound like the opposite of the first?"

'That's just poorly thought out.'

[I mean, it even SOUNDS like Unflammable.]

{The weirdest part is, unflammable isn't even a word. We replaced it with the word for Flammable.}

>Fucking. Stupid.

~....~

>....ONETWOTHREENOTIT
"NOTIT"
'NOTIT"
[NOTIT]
{NOT-DAMN IT!}

>CHRYSALIS DAMN IT, YELLOW!

"Always FUCKING Yellow!"

'You're the worst!'

[So embarrassed.]

~...~

>...RUN!

But they didn't get far.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

>Coco Pommel
[Lucky Strike]
"Flim"
'Flam'
=====================

[Private, REPORT!]

>Eeep! Umm, I'm so sorry mister, but I-

[Mister!? That's Staff Sergeant to you, rookie!]

>Y-yes, Staff Sergeant, b-but I shouldn't be here...

[Ain't that the truth. If'n the world was right-side up, I'd be back home in Squeaky

Creek, Mustangia, running my Ma's haberdashery shop.]

"I'd be enjoying a soothing pineapple-based beverage on the sun-bathed shores of

Gallopagos!"

'And I'd be right beside you, brother, having my mustache curled by a brace of flighty

local fillies!'

[And I suppose you, Private Pommel, would still be prancing up and down Canterlot

Station in that cute lil' collar and fascinator?]

>W-well, you see Mr. Strike-

[Staff SERGEANT!]

>Eeep! Mr. Staff Sergeant sir, I was actually late for a meeting with miss Rarity,

and...

[HAAHAHA! Wowee, now I've heard it all an' a half. You, meetin' with a Princess? I

know you've been chumming it up with Comrade Premier o' the Cominsect International

here an' his ministers o' Skimming and Scamming-]

'Ahem! Economy and Infrastructure, please.'

"It takes a certain class of charlatan to earn a retirement to Gallopagos, after all."

'And don't forget the girls!'

"Exotic twins, one pair, each - check!"

[Shush! The most you'll see o' the royals for a good long while is a speck far, far

above the parade grounds. An' if I catch you out of uniform an' away from your post

again, the most you'll see o' the parade grounds is through that there cell window!

From the inside!]

"Quite a view it is, though."

'I like to think of the grandstands as our personal cruise ship.'

"And the roar of the crowd as the crashing of waves on our private beach."

>B-but sir, I'm not-

[And don't you even try blaming the poison joke. We've all been there, every poor sap

who's had Everfree patrol. y'just get the Formula 63 bath salts from the spa and

you'll be back in your fetlocks by morning. No need to bother the Princesses with that

kind o' rookie buffalo dung. Y'got that, Private?]

>Yes- I mean, no sir, I'm-

Lucky Strike leans in and looms over her.

[I SAID, Y'GOT THAT, PRIVATE?]

>EEEEP! I-I mean, yes sir!

[Good.]

Before stepping back, he lowers his voice, dons a wide grin and adds a conspiratorial

wink.

[Now, when you go off shift on Friday, I think your, ah, "friend" Coco should look up

my "friend" Lady Lucky. She's got this super cute lil' bonnet and matching bag that y-

... Coco would just *adore*.]

>I-Is that so?

One step back and he's all cool command and military precision again.

[Y'bet your fuzzy flank it is! Now back to your post, Private Prison-guard. If I catch

you away from here before Friday night it'll be Lieutenant Latrines, got it?]

>Um, y-yes sir!

Coco snaps awkwardly to approximate attention as Lucky marches out of the dungeon. A

second later, Coco's oversized armor falls off in bits and pieces, and she starts

scrambling to reassemble it while cussing under her breath.

Well, she thinks she's cussing. Had she been there, even AJ2 would think it's cute.

Once the sergeant is out of earshot, Flim and Flam each produce a pineapple-based

drink from their respective bedding. There are little tiny umbrellas, striped black

and white, stamped "Canterlot Department of Corrections".

'Do you think we should have told him, brother?'

"And lose our source of festive beverages? Have you been licking the slime molds

again, brother?"

'I suppose you're right, brother. No sense outing her before she figures out that pina

coladas are not standard prison fare.'

"A pony cannot live on gruel alone!"

They clunk their pineapple halves between the bars and have a hearty sip as Coco's

project falls apart with a clatter.

>Muffin-fudging mother of Celery-stalks! Hug you, Rarity! HUUUUGGGG YOOUUUUUU!!!
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The midday sun beat down on the sleepy little frontier town of Appleloosa, groups of ponies and a few buffalo went about their business in the main thoroughfare, the owner of the general store haggled over a bag of sugar with a customer, and on the train station two stallions disembarked.

One, a unicorn, checked the pocketwatch he retrieved from his coat with disinterest. He was tall and thin, with a white body and a curled mess of an orange mane. He looked at his companion, a grizzled earth pony with a black stetson, a poncho, and a five o'clock shadow, with a smirk.

"Right on schedule, as expected. See, this is why I love Equestria, the trains all run right on time," The unicorn placed his pocketwatch back within his coat, "Even in a little backwater like this."

The earth pony shook his head, turning towards the town with a scowl on his face, "Trouble."

"Company," The unicorn countered as he saw the approaching grey-coated earth pony, smiling wide.

"Howdy, welcome to Appleloosa," The earth pony greeted them, tipping his own hat and adjusting his badge of office, "Ahm sheriff Silver Star."

"Sheriff, how nice to meet you," The unicorn replied amiably, "I'm Mr. Piper, this is my friend and business partner Slim, say hello Slim."

"Shut up, Piper," The earth pony grunted.

"Sheriff, is it common for you to greet new arrivals?" Piper continued, ignoring his rude companion.

"Not really, just a slow day is all, and we ain't nearly got the visitors we used ta after that loony Blueblood's little coup went down in flames," Silver Star nodded, "What's yer business in Appleloosa, pardners?"

"Well it's interesting you should mention the Prince's Coup, you see that wasn't the only thing that went down in flames it would seem," Piper fished a piece of paper out of his coat, "The Prince's airship went down out in the wilderness, taking with it a vast variety technology, treasures-"

"An' weapons," Silver Star narrowed his eyes, "Gol-darn desperados have been salvagin' guns from that wreck fer a dog's age. Only thing keepin' 'em from overrunnin' us 'n the buffalo is the fact they're all dumber'n a sack of hammers."

"Yes, well, you see the Equestrian government has heard of your plight, dear Sheriff," Piper unfurled the paper, handing it off to Silver Star, "This here is a call for the destruction of the Prince's shipwreck and the dispersion of the bandits hiding out within."

"There's more zeroes in this here than in Celestia's age!" Silver Star's eyes bugged out, "Since when did the government start putting out bounties fer blowin' up shipwrecks?"

"Since the number of Princesses around here tripled and what many folk thought to be a pompous aristocrat nearly murdered us all with an army of robots," Piper's smile never left his face, "Please, sheriff, we are very skilled at what we do, and what we do is for the benefit of Equestria."

"And what exactly is it y'all do?" Silver Star arched an eyebrow.

"I facilitate the destruction of unseemly constructs and Slim here-"

"I make bad ponies disappear," Slim yawned with disinterest.

"Ah can appreciate what ya'll're doin' but...there's a lotta bandits out there, and yer just two ponies, don't ya think ya oughta round up a posse?"

Piper chuckled, "Your concern for us is touching, sheriff, but trust me..."

THUNK

Silver Star's moustache slowly drooped down as a few strands of hair flitted down to the ground, his eyes slowly moved to see the bowie knife that had embedded itself in the wall next to him.

"...we can handle ourselves," Piper patted his friend on the side as the poncho fell from Slim's frame, revealing a set of five knives holstered on the opposite side. One of course was missing.

"Ah...ah can see that pardner..." Silver Star blinked.

"Excellent!" Piper's horn glowed and Slim's knife found its way back into its holster, and his poncho back onto his person, "Now if you'll excuse us, we've some basic provisions to acquire and some coordinates to double check."

"Go...on ahead..." Silver Star didn't budge from where he stood.

"Come along, Slim, let's leave the dear sheriff with his many apostophes," Piper said as he trotted into the town.

"...trim's free of charge," Slim grumbled as he sullenly walked past Silver Star.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the sheriff turned his head to follow the two ponies.

"...this town ain't what it used to be."

NON CANON
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________