Thread 3: Stories 105-112

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 >Applejack
"Candence"
'Applejack 18'
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>Cadence, there ya' are!

"Ack! What did I do now!?

>What? Nothin', I was jus' got that form ya' asked fer'. And honestly, Ah' have ta' tell ya', Ah'm impressed.

"W-what?"

>When ya' asked fer' an exchange with the Apploosans for lower rates fer' yer diamond tipped pickaxes, Ah' was sure you were gonna extort them or ask fer' somethin' stupid like pretty bows or fur pelts or somethin'!

"Those Dustwolf coats are nice..."

>But this collaboration ta' develop a breed of Apple that thrives better in the cold is a great idea! And those tools are really gonna help with Apploosa's development, cuttin' their workin' time in half! Ah'm proud o' you, Cadence, ya'll really pulled this one off.

"...."

>...What?

'There that thing is!'

*The paper is snatched away from Applejack. By another Cadence.*

'Ugh, thanks for bringing that over, trying to find one of these stupid forms in that room is like trying to find the one grain of sand that cures cancer on a beach. I swear, this place is falling... apart....'

>...

'...Sh-'

"Oh no! I've been discovered!"

>..Wha-

"Oh dear! If only I, Applejack fudldyblue had not gotten caught in this hallway! What an unfortunate twist of fate!"

'...Really?'

"No no, please, show me a little mercy and allow me to see myself out. I should have known my plan to sneak into the castle and steal Shining Armor from his one true love who he will NEVER EVER cheat on and if he even thinks about I will- I mean, SHE will cut his balls off!"

>Really?

"I shall depart, mostly in the general direction of the Ponyville Spa, and it's fifty percent off exfoliating service that it just so happens to be having today, which I know about because I'm Applejack Expialodicious and live in Ponyville-"

'Canterlot'

"-right, Canterlot. Oh cruel fate! Oh the shame of it all!"

*She walks off.*

>...Really?

'...I'm gonna fuck her husband some day, and it'll all be worth it.'

>...

'Sign this and get out.'
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>Chrysalis
"Applejack 18"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Ahhh, sneaky Applejack, you've returned. And by the smile on your face, I take it the infiltration was successful?

"Was it ever!"

>Please, give me the... intimate details.

"Well, I now have a detailed list of their EXACT military expenditures and guard placement and rotation, the fighting capabilities of said guards along with a list of allergies and other exploitable weaknesses, the rotation of their servant staff, list of cooks, possible blackmail material, several different possible double agents AND the exact location and time table both Cadence and Shining Armor stick to! I even have a list of allies and possible ways to sabotage political relations in a way that would take GENERATIONS to mend! It's taken me a LOT of months and a bunch of times being chucked out the window, and one or two arrests, and enough games of Candyland, Sorry and Apples and Apples to drive me slightly mad, but I FINALLY DID IT!"

>....

"...Y-you don't care about all of that, do you? You just want to know if I finally managed to suck some love, among other things, out of Shining Armor, right?"

>Well?

"No. I have not done that."

>Well then, guess who's going back to the Crystal Empire?

"I-I... I just... I did so much... S-s-so many books and papers, all while that stupid pink horse just got her hair done or something else asinine. I did... so much work."

>Well, that's your fault for focusing on the unimportant stuff, isn't it?

"...I need a little cry, can I go have a little cry in the corner?"

>Oh, alright, but you'll have to share. That little Applejack just heard the princess one lost an inch or two off her backside, and has been in there ever since.

"I'll share... I'll share."


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Applejack 18 breaks into the Crystal castle again, thought the stunningly sneaky tactic of 'walk up to the door and ask to be let in'. She's slow now, not really in a rush for another failure.

There he was, on his desk again. Asleep again. This whole thing was yet another waste off...

"C-cookies?"

A little note sits on the corner of the plate, propped up just so she could see.

'Dear Applejack 18, thanks for all the help. If you want to know how much I appreciate it, take a bite. Lots of love in there.'

"...H-hate nice pony."

She still munches on a few.

"Hate him."

She figures she might as well get something done for this trip. Who knows? Maybe Chrysalis will finally find a use for all her detailed stuff.

Yeah, she's the best infiltrator. That's what she tells herself. And the best never quits.

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>applejack
"Spike"
'Cadence'
*Shining Armor*
~~~~~
>Well howdy, Cadence, yer lookin' mighty fine today? How much did it cost the Crystal Empire?

'Uhh... Lots?'

"Applejack, give me the gun."

*Whoa, kiddo! You're kind of young to contemplate suicide, aren't you?*

Spike roughly snatches the gun from Applejack

BANG!

"It's not suicide."

*Sweet Celestia, Cadence!"

"Hey, look at the bright side, you can now get some from her AND she'll be more useful for the next few weeks!"

Applejack slowly takes back the gun.

>Spike... Yer goin' into therapy.

"Ask any psychologist, Applejack, they'll say I just made one of the sanest decisions since making you a Princess."

DECLARED NON CANON BY AUTHOR
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>Applejack
“Celestia”
________

“Oh Starswirl, here she comes. Where did I put those bullets, where did I put those bu--”

>Celestia, Ah just have a simple question.

“It’s never simple with you…

>No really. Ah just- look, y’all can shot me if’n ya want but guess who’d have to do all the paperwork while Ah’m recoverin’?

“…”

>Yeah, that’s what Ah thought. Now, as Ah was sayin’, there’s a dark somethin’ brewin’ in the Everfree Forrest.

“How dark are we talking exactly?”

>Dark enough that it’s eaten a few of Fluttershy’s bunnies and Discord had to tranq’ her to get the girl to settle down. So, fairly dark.

“...And your question with all of this is? You want to know how to deal with it? Well, I can certainly help you with th--”

>No, see, we already know how deal with these types of things. Y’all send us on world-savin’ missions all the time. What Ah want to ask is that y’all stay away from the Everfree Forest, and set up some guards ‘round yer’ chambers.

“What…? Why?”

>‘Cause we can’t afford y’all bein’ smacked in yer’ glass jaw or else bein’ kidnapped. Like every. Other. Buckin’. Time.

“...hooold on, what’re you saying?”

>Ah’m sayin’, for the ruler of Equestria, y’all got the fightin’ prowess of a filly. With down syndrome. The last thing we need is y’all bein’ used as a bargainin’ chip fer’ the wrong side. So please. While me and the others go handle this, please… sit here, eat yer’ cake, and watch over AJ56, will ya?

“Hey! I can help! I can--”

>Do nothing and try not choke on cake. That’s a good princess. See ya later!

*Applejack promptly runs out the room yelling for the elements to assemble*

“…”

*spinnnnn-*

*click!*

“Yeah, I figured. Fuck my life.”

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>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Princess?

"Oh look, my favorite pony... and I don't have my favorite gun..."

>Hardy-har-har, was jus' tellin' ya' Ah'm leaving fer' the Empire real quick an-

"NO!"

*Crash*

>....Princess, Ah' had no idea ya' felt this way! But Ah'm gonna be straight with ya', tacklin' me ta' the floor is not all that endearin'-

"Shut it! And shut your helper hole!"

>Mah' WHAT!?

"Listen you, the quarterly efficiency reports I had conducted on the Crystal Empire in secret came back yesterday, and do you know what I found out?"

>Cadence is prolly' settin' medical research back ten years or so?

"Only five, actually, but that's beside the point! The point is, they've made enormous horrifying strides in the last few months!

>...An' this is a problem?

"FUCKING YES IT'S A PROBLEM! If they keep this up, they'll be more productive and have a more stable economy than us!"

>What?

"And you see, I've figured out the problem! While we've got three different Princess sized drains on our system, and a bunch of bug monster sized leeches in our ballroom, they've only got ONE Pink Princess sized sinkhole, and she bizarrely enough has these weird moments when all of a sudden, she becomes super-competent and resourceful! We have a thousand year lead on them, and they're making us look terrible!"

>That's actually not Cad-

"So my point, Dear Applejack, is that the one edge, the ONE edge we have over their ballooning independence, is YOU! You're our ace in the hole, and without you to kick his ass into gear, Shining Armor would still be spending his entire military budget on fucking board game figurines! I need you to stay far, faaaar away from the Crystal Empire, just long enough for them to slip back into being so grossly incompetent they can't process how crops function. ARE WE CLEAR?"

>...Crystal. Can Ah' get up now?

"Yes, of course. Go get yourself an extra serving of cake or something. You've earned it."

>...Ya'll scare-

"I know."

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>Luna
“Applejack56”
_______

>How long must we suffer thine’s company…?

“Until that flank no longer has the circumference of the actual moon! That’s a word I learned in school, circumference! Did I use it right?”

>...yes. Unfortunately. At any rate, must thou continue to while away the hours merely sitting there with thine eyes buried in our posterior?

“I’d like to have my face buried in it but you look busy gorging on that cake. So I can wait.”

>We are not GORGING on cake! We are merely sampling it… making sure it fits the royal palette just right.

“Whatever, moons.

>Doesn’t thou have school?

“It’s the weekend! I guess those are my ‘stare at plot’ days now!”

>We can hardly contain our excitement….

“Neither can I! Butthug!”

>What? W-wait, wait, don’t- EEEK!

“You make the funniest noises when I nuzzle against you, moons.”

>C-can’t thou at least wait until we’re done with our cake?!

“So you don’t mind, moons?”

>Our name is ‘Luna’, brat. And we suppose if thou are here burdening us, then there’s less trouble around the castle…

“Sweet! Because, you know, yours really is the best butt out there!”

>...really? Thou thinks this?

“I know it!

>Well… we suppose a little visit past our doors would be acceptable. Once every moon or so….

“You mean it? Wow, you really are the best! Buttkiss!”

>Ooooo- QUIT THAT, YOU RUFFIAN!

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> ~ Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. ~

"Applejack whoever! I have another, full proof infiltration plan! What? Yes, of course it's as brilliant my other plans, why do you ask?"

> ~Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. ~

"I know you SAY you're not going to steal anything, but ponies are kind of unsure about that. Just stay in the cart with nothing in it, alright? No, we're not bringing dessert back there, that would be stupid."

> ~ Wouldn't you like to get away? ~

"That Changeling is getting off at the Empire, right? Damn, guess I'm vacationing in Manehatten this year.

> ~ Sometimes you want to go, Where everybody knows your name! ~

"Hey, Applejack 18! Where you been? Wanna play Candyland? PLEASE!?"

> ~And they're always glad you came! ~

"Back for some more 'Infiltrating', Applejack number something? Great! I wanted to go shopping for a bit! Pretend to be me real quick!"

> ~ You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same~

"Pretend ta' be Cadence long enough ta' get these filled out, Ah' swear that pink airhead is gonna burn this place ta' the ground one of these days. At least this gives us time ta' run."

> ~You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same, ~

"Hey, 18! Thanks for helping me out here. I get way more sleep when someone else does at least some of the work. I really appreciate it."

> ~You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.~

"Hmph, friggen nice pony."

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