Thread 100: Stories 46-60

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>Past Spitfire
"Spitfire"
~~~

>...What the fuck are you wearing?

"Oh wow, it's weird seeing me in my Wonderbolt duds again."

>Wait, weird!? As in, you haven't been!?

"Not for a while."

>OH FUCK! I finally got kicked out!? Are you fucking serious!? All that suffering and putting up with the humiliation and my tenor and records being dragged through the mud in a never ending wank session for the oh so amazing Rainbow Dash, and it doesn't even pay off!? IT NEVER GETS ANY BETTER!? NEVER!?

"...Hey, past me?"

>WHAT!?

"It gets better."

>....

"..."

>...You better not be fucking lying so I don't just fall off a cloud and forget to fly.

"It gets better."

>I'm serious, if this is just a way to keep me from deepthroating a battle saddle and pulling the trigger, tell me now, this isn't worth it.

"...it gets better."

>...

"..."

>...Alright then.

"It isn't easy."

>If it was easy was never the part I was worried about. Just... if it got better.

"...It gets better."

>...You miss it?

"Yep. But I don't think about it too much. New duds... heh, they fit me just fine."

>Well, good... but we don't have to join a harem-

"NO!"

>Oh thank fuck. I would've done it anyway.

"I would've shot you myself."

>...Wanna race?

"FUCK. YES.'

ZOOM!

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 >Past 32
"Present 32"

>Hmph, this again? Very well, do we-"

>Yes we get out, no she's not dead, yes we made amends, no this bomb collar isn't real, yes I am helping the hive, no I haven't found and murdered High Roller yet.

"...huh...well what about the Gun Clu-"

>Made amends with Spike, uncertain with PJ, should probably mend fences with 42-although that hat is still absolutely ghastly-, 77's getting married, and I'm going to probably fight 88 and the small pink filly to the death for the right to be Best Bug at his wedding."

>Wh-what!? 88's alive!?

"So is Pommel, and he's fucking a pirate mare."

>...wh...I...CHRYSALIS, KNOCK IT OFF! WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME SO!? THIS FUTURE COULDN'T POSSIBLY EXI-

"Also 29 still hasn't fucked the zebra or the pony."

>...eh, I figured.

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 >AJ
“PastAJ”
____

>Wow.

“Ah’ know, right? Past meets future an’… jus’ wow. Who’da thunk it, right?”

>No, no not that. That’s… honestly? Meetin’ mah’ past self is pretty much the tamest thing tuh’ happen thus far. This? This shift in time? Normal as apples.

“Oh….”

>Yeah. What Ah’m actually wow’d ‘bout is how much mah’ rear’s done grown since then.

“Holy apple fritters, no kiddin’! Looks like ya’ got a whole acre of land back there, girl!”

>Hyperbole.

“Could prob’ly blot out the sun iff’n we tossed ya’ in the sky.”

>Exaggeration.

“Don’t even think Rars could make somethin’ tuh’ cover all that apple.”

>…Possible truth. Consarnit….

“Not bad, though. Big, juicy, what’s not tuh’ like? Shoot, if that’s what mah’ rear evolves intuh’ in the future, Ah’ ain’t exactly upset.”

>Hawh. Jus’ wait ‘til it starts gettin’ caught in chairs.

“That’s what loverboy’s fer’, sugarcube. Them magical claws? Would feel mighta fine 'cross the fur.”

>…Huh.

“Yeah, gotta use yer’ mind when yer’ rump fails ya’.”

>Preach it, me.

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>AJ
"Chrysalis"
'???"
~~~

>Ah' feel like this just plain ain't meant ta' be.

"FUCK YOU THIS CAN WORK!"

>Chrysalis, we're on try three. Every single time ya' futzed with that thing, it's ended badly. One time, ya' dang got yer' heart eaten-

"BUT SURVIVED! I was still alive with a kickass robo heart!"

>Yeah, but then she took over the world and enslaved pony kind.

"Sniff... she made momma proud, right up until she set me on fire. Then I was less proud."

>But then the second go round, ya' accidentally caused eternal night.

"How the fuck was I supposed to know that talking Celly out of sending Twilight to Ponyville would do that!? I didn't get your whole damn life story!... Also, fuck that bitch for backstabbing me. Literally, not as in 'betrayed', she stabbed me, in the back... with magic. Though I would've survived it just fucking fine if she hadn't stabbed Shiny first!"

>...

"So, that one was bad. Glad we did a do over and erased that timeline."

>And finally, ya'll took over the world.

"..."

>Just... killed Celly and Nightmare Moon, enslaved everyone and declared yer'self eternal ruler and then proceeded ta' do that fer' as long as we saw, which was a long time. That happened.

"...Well I mean that was a risk in all of these, thinking about it. Turning Shiny to the dark side was pretty sexy though."

>Chrysalis.

"ONE MORE! I can get it right with ONE MORE!"

>MAH TURN!

"Fiiiiiinnneeee... HIT IT!"

>Annnd, TIMEFUTZ!

"BAZOW!"

SHOOM!

>... uh....

"...Huh...."

'Applejack, eternal love of my eye.. we meet again... So nice to see you after... it's been too long. The cold grip of my gun is all I've felt in my claws for so many years, I've forgotten all sense of time. The only way I can tell between day or night is just how... cold it feels.'

"...Snk..."

>WHY THE FUCK ARE YA'LL LAUGHIN'!?

'The bugbitch thrives off my pain, drinks in my sorry like a fine wine, lavishes in-'

"PFFFTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH! AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!"

>THIS IS SERIOUS!

"N-NO IT'S NOT HE LOOKS SO SILLYYYYYYHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!"

>...Ya'll do look really silly.

'Silly... you mean tortured and alone?'

>No, Ah' mean silly. Ya'll look just so goddang silly.

'I... have fire inside, but I can feel no warmth-'

BUCK!

'OOF!'

SHOOM!

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

>Alright, nuff'a that. Let's just concentrate, declare internally Ah'm gonna make him less... ugh, annnnndd...

"Ohhhh... what the fuck are you-"

SHOOM!
...
THOOM...THOOM...THOOM...

'Ladies.'

"..."

'Hey, bugbitch. Applejack, my princess, beautiful as always.'

>Now we're talkin'! Holy smokes he's as tall as you! And DANG look'et them muscles!

"Seeing as he's like.. eighty percent that, hard to miss if the guns strapped to every inch of him weren't blocking it. Okay, wow. He looks like something out of a bad army propaganda piece... for the other side. This is actually so huge it's unsettlingly creepy."

'Oh, you mean Generosity? Yeahhh, she's a fifteen thousand round per second monster, chain fed to make feeding any pathetic little scrubs in my way a thing of the past. The only thing louder than the roar of this beauty is the sound of bone snapping when I pull out my unmatched fighting moves... or how loud my ladies scream at night when daddy comes home.'

"...PFFFTTHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHH!"

>Dang it.

'Heh, guess you just can't handle the sight of a real hardcore badass-'

>No, ah'm pretty sure that ain't why she's laughin'. Ah'd be laughin' too iffin' Ah' wasn't so sad inside. Ah' want ya' ta' know, this just killed like... so many fantasies Ah' had. So many.

"AAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

'But... I can fight in a hundred different fighting styles! I have more artillery than most armies! I can punch out Chitania if I really want to-'

"AHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHLOVEI'MGONNAPISSMYSELFAHHAAHHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!'

>Please stop, this cannot get any sadder, and Ah' literally just kicked an emo version of you back ta' oblivion. Ah'm gonna do the same ta' you, and Ah'm not gonna feel bad about this either.

'But... but-'

BUCK!

'NOOOOOOooo-'

SHOOM!

"AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!"

>Okay, mental note made ta' tell Spike not ta' be so... involved with his weapons and workouts, and TRYIN' THIS ONE MORE TIME!

SHOOM!

'Applejaaaaack! My lovely beauty of the apples! Oh, this must be the past, for though your beauty is ageless, I know every single inch of my lovely princess!'

"..."

>...PPFFTTAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

'W-what's wrong?'

"Why the apron. No, my brain is fried, just... why the pink apron!?"

'Applejack loves my apron you jerk!'

"I can't even laugh at this."

>AHAHAHAHAHAHHhhhhh... ohhh... Sugar cube? Yer' too sweet ta' kick, please go back in the timey thingy.

'Anything for you, Applejack!'

SHOOM!

>...Ah' liked that last one better, sad as it is ta' say.

"Weirdly? So did I."

>Ah' take it back.

"Plplplpl... gonna try again?"

>On second thought nope, got enough thankee... Ya' know, there's probably a moral lesson here that tryin' ta' change the males in our life ta' fit us is gonna backfire or somethin', or... whatever. Anythin' ya'll noticed about Shiny?

"Only that if I had gotten to him first he would've been a badass king... who then tried to kill me out of jealousy and then comically died. You think he's got inadequacy problems?"

>Ya' know, Ah've occasionally gotten that impression.

"So the moral is... something something... don't fuck with time?"

>It's as good as we're gettin', Ah think.

"Huh... you know, that was all Spike from fifty years in the future. Can I..."

>Knock yer'self out. Ah' wanna see if he ages gracefully.

"BAZOM!"

....

"...Huh, didn't work."

>Weird, worked for everyone else.

"..."
>...
"..."
>...
"...w-wait..."
>....Erm...
"...Ahhhh... shit."
>Need a minute?

"Gonna need a minute, yeah."

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 >SA
"Past Cadence"
'???'
~~~

"...Are you suuuuure?"

>Yes. I am totally sure about this. Every single time we have sex, I am guaranteed to live another ten years. For sure.

"Well... that does sound like something I would want."

>Of course you do! You want me to keep living longer, right? So just every time you do, I-

'SHINY!'

>NOT NOW!

'Shiny stop it!'

>SHE'S IN THAT TIME WHEN SHE'LL BUY IT!

"Buy it?... Oh, you jerk! HRMPH!"

>NOOOOOOOO... DAMN IT CADENCE WHY!

'Sorry, Shiny, but I had to keep a stable time loop.'

>...Wait, is THAT why you never-

'Maybe.'

>...

'...'

>...So couldn't we-

'No.'

>DAMN ITTTT!

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 >Screwloose
“PastScrewloose”
_____

>Almost forgot how dashing I looked in the ol’ hug-me-jacket.

“Still just as dashing as you remember, I trust?”

>Insanity and fashion mix oh so well.

“Good. So how’s the future looking? I’m noticing a distinct lack of hugging going on with you. Why aren’t you hugging?”

>Hugging went out the window when old acquaintances came a’ callin’.

“Well tan my sexy hide and call me Stumpy! Since when did Nurse Bleeding Heart start allowing conjugals?”

>Around the time she got zombified, got un-zombified, started trusting our number one pervert and decided her headaches would cease without us under her roof.

“Smart. And how is our little hoof-lover doing nowadays? Still…?”

>With us? Oh yeah, totally. Except now… we’re with him.

“…”

>…

“…Faust-damn it, man.”

>I know.

“No. You don’t. You don’t know shit. You know how I know you don’t know shit? Because you broke the number one rule that applies to all scientists worth their salt: you never get attached to the specimen.”

>…

“What? Why’re you grinning, what?”

>Since when in the blue fuck have we ever followed the rules? Come on now, that’s OUR number one rule. No rules.

“Point. You do yourself proud.”

>Thank me.

“And if I know myself, I can only surmise this whole ‘we’re with him’ scenario comes saddled with some risk?”

>Only death.

“Peh, that all?”

>And the obscure possibility of sincere love.

“Faust no, give me death.”

>Meh, whichever comes first.

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 >JJ
"PJJ"
~~~~

>....

"...s-still no?"

>*Sniffl*

"Fffffffff-"

>"FUCKING HOLES!"

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 >Past Cheese
"Present Cheese"

>This is just getting silly now, where are ya, me?

Choo choo!

"FORTHELOVEOFGODKILLALLTHEOC'SBEFOREIT'STOOLATE!"

Whoosh!

>...huh, that was weird.

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'42'
~~~

TUNK!

'OW!... Did you just hit me in the head with a pipe?!'

>Future me said to!

'...Who the fuck are you!?'

>Cheese Sandwich!

'Wait, aren't you that announcer guy from the gameshow?... Huh. Why the fuck did future you want me dead?'

>He just said to kill you.

'But... but we've never interacted. Not once, literally.'

>Yeah, but you existing means I get put on a bus... er, train.

'...how.'

>I... I'm not a hundred percent on that? I guess the reasoning is if you're not there, I'll be there?

'I just... we've never met! We've never even SPOKEN! How does my existence prevent you from doing something!? Are you even friends with Shining!?'

>Well no... not really, no.

'Have you even been to the Empire!? I live over there now!'

>Nope.

'THEN HOW!?'

>...

'...'

>...Future me was really vague, but he seemed sure that this was somehow related...

'Give me the pipe.'

>Okay...

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[Chitania]
~~~

BLAM!
TINK!

[...You have exactly two seconds.]

>This was super important!

[It was super important you shoot me.]

>Yes!

[...Okay. Sure. Why not. Not even mad, just the fact you said it is honestly impressive enough. This is fine.]

>...Seriously?

[Seriously. I do not care that you shot me once. The only problem will happen if-]

Click

[...]

>...erm... is that a 'if I shoot you again' if? Be specific, this is very important.

[...]

>...I'm just gonna lower the hammer really quick.

[...]

>...It's just, future me said this was super important, or else I get put on a train. I don't get to talk to anyone.

[So why shoot one of the few you actually did talk to?]

>...huh?

[I was that mare in Partyland that broke your shit.]

>...HUH.... so-

[So why me?]

>...You know I don't have an answer to that, I just really want to show up some more.

[So go do whatever it is the others did.]

>What's that?

[I'm... not sure. I just kind of always was. I think some others did something special, though.]

>Then I shall investigate it! Thank you, random OC!

[You're welcome.]

>...You're pretty nice-

PUNT!

[BURN IN HELL YOU INSULTING FUCKER I'VE NEVER BEEN SO DAMN ANGRY IN MY LIFE BURRRNNNNN]

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~Lavan~

Shoooooom!

GULP!

~Refreshing!~

>Aw come on! Not even a scratch!?

~Hm? No no, I'm not THAT firey being, he's far less pleasant.~

>Wh-nevermind! Die, please!

~Do you have a quarrel with me, small parody pony? I apologize.~

>No, but future me says I have to kill all the OC's or else I'm going to be on a train forever.

~Ohhhh. Do I count? I was a character in Generation 1.~

>...for the sake of my health? Yeah, you get a pass.

~Amnesty, this pleases me...oh...oh dear...~

>What?

~That snack you gave me has upset my formless innards, I'm going to-Urrrrrp!~

Shoooooom!

KABOOM!

>Aaaaaahhhh!

~...slapstick, this pleases me.~

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 >Past High Roller
"Scruffy/Present High Roller"

>Okay, so the good news is: The zombies don't get me, the bad news is apparently I become a vagrant. Not fun.

"Mhm."

>There a reason I'm acting all Slingblade in the future?

"Cover."

>As opposed to every other time I do something. Where are we!?

"Canterlot."

>You gotta be shitting me, she sends me back there!? That's the dumbest thing to come out of Pennydrop's mouth since-

"We're free."

>...beg pardon?

"Faked death, she don't know, everyone think's we're a janitor."

>...okay, one problem resolved, what about the fact you smell like moldy cheese and have that fake as hell looking moustache?

"Fixin' itself."

>How?

The present pegasus grins, stepping out of the way to reveal the small cart piled high with bags of bits behind him.

>...

"...somepony's gotta clean up the mess."

>Future's lookin' miiiiighty bright.

"Also Screws' probably gonna fuck that bug."

>Ha! Knew it.


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 >55
"Past55'
~~~

>...Hrmmm...

"...Hrmmmm...."

>...OH MY LOVE!

"I'VE BEEN CLONED!"

>Quick, what do you remember!?

"I just went out and got candy!"

>OH NO! That was forever ago for me! The Queen didn't even come down and hang out with us yet! WE DIDN'T EVEN KISS INGRID YET!

"GASP! Something must've gone wrong in my cloning process! I'm only half a clone!"

>NOOOO! I don't want you to be half a clone, I want you to be whole!

"Sniff... it's okay... it's okay, I'll just be the best clone ever!'

>That's the spirit!... GASP!

"OH NO YOU GASPED!"

>No no! This is good! What if... what if YOU pretended to be Firejack and I pretend to be us!

"THAT'S FREAKING- wait, Firejack?"

>Ingrid likes Firejack.

"FIREJACK IT IS!"

>YAY! Now nobody will believe I'm me and you're you!

"BRILLIANT!... But who gets the magic shack?"

>We share!

"OBVIOUSLY!"

>YAY MY OWN CLONE!

"NOW NEITHER OF US WILL BE THE ONLY US! WE HAVE OTHER US TO DO STUFF LIKE SHOPPING!'

>Or shooting pool!

"And twice as many drinks!"

>This is the best... thing... EVER!

>"YAY!"

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~Past Cheese~
~~~~

~...Nope, not touching either of them. I have a SOUL, thank you.~

>"YAYYYY!"

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 >Present Cheese
"???"
'Pinkie'

>I realize now what I must do to get off this horrible contraption. The only thing that makes sense, really, the thing that worked for so many before me and so many in the future!

"What the hell!?"

Choo choo!

>HOLD STILL, ARMOR!

'Cheesy, no! That's not how you run a train on someone!'

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