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Grimm's Equestria: Untold Stories

Aug 17th, 2014
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  1. Grimm's Equestria: Untold Stories
  2.  
  3.  
  4. So, I'm bored senseless, and have decided to riff a short shitfic, so that I at least have something to do.
  5. Today's target is the fic "Grimm's equestria: Untold stories" by Shamdreamer. It looks promising, with 0 thumbs up and 29 thumbs down. Pic related is the story's picture.
  6. The tags are Tragedy, Dark, Random, Slice of Life (becaue SoL and Tragedy go well together), and it's rated Everyone, so I'm sure even the most faint-hearted of us can get through this. It's luckily incomplete.
  7.  
  8. >Introduction:
  9. >As phillies, everyone has heard about grimm's story's.
  10. I had no idea German folklore was so popular in Philadelphia.
  11.  
  12. >Yet some have been untold.
  13. Likely since the two Germans never visited Equestria.
  14.  
  15. >Dark secrets within equestria, Short stories that brother's grimm and gramm kept for themselves.
  16. Along with the portal to Equestria, it seems.
  17.  
  18. >The stories are about to be unraveled
  19. >I hope you enjoy :)
  20. I'm sure I will.
  21.  
  22. >Chapter 1: The three regillian ponies
  23. I'm not sure if he means regal... or reptilian, but either way I'm sure we're in for something amazing.
  24.  
  25. >three ponies sitting up a tree, down fell one covered in debris.
  26. Oh, so this thing is written almost like poetry? Stressing the "almost"?
  27. So I understand that he's doing rhymes, but why did he feel the need to rhyme tree with debris? It sounds like the pony was covered in debris before even falling down.
  28.  
  29.  
  30.  
  31. >The second pony heard but not seen, for the pony to be murdered has been keen.
  32. The victim was so keen that no one could see him get killed. Or something.
  33.  
  34. >The last pony saw, yet jack said the ripper and down came his fall.
  35. I can't figure out where the rhyme is in this sentence. I guess the sudden appearance of the 19th century English serial killer destroyed all need for rhymes and reason.
  36.  
  37. >The three ponies led into darkness, by the ripper who has left laughing, Heartless.
  38. MY RHYMES ARE FLY AND MY BEATS ARE SICK
  39.  
  40. >One day ripper visited the tree, for what he found wat not to be pleased.
  41. [INSERT COMMENT ABOUT HOW FREE-FORM POETRY HAS RUINED POETRY AS AN FORM OF ART]
  42.  
  43. >Three undead eyes cleaved in his, help was the last word spoken to this.
  44. So deep. Satisfying poetic vengeance. Elegant style. I give it a 9/11.
  45.  
  46. Well, I guess I'll go do all 5 chapters. Luckily the rest seem to be in comprehensible prose, because I can't properly read/riff this poetry stuff.
  47.  
  48.  
  49.  
  50. >Chapter 2: Madelaine & the dream
  51. At least this is in prose.
  52.  
  53. >Lost in a world unknown to herself, young philly madelaine stood in perfect health.
  54. I think we're witnessing the birth of a new genre. PiE (the other PiE). Philadelphia in Equestria.
  55. I have misspelled Philadelphia every time now, and Google insists it's supposed to be "Paedophilia".
  56.  
  57. >No matter the miles she ran, she kept seeing this giant gem.
  58. Outrageous! I love how the author seemingly only rhymes when he feels like it. It's like he skips it whenever it gets too hard.
  59.  
  60. >Minutes turned into days and days turned into months so it seemed, in pain and anger she screamed. Someone.... Save me from this hell! And found a shiny shell.
  61. Oh no, I fear for the sanity of young Marmalade, trapped in this psychedelic nightmare. Ponies also believe in hell, and there has been no substitutes for hell offered in the show whatsoever.
  62. Though, that would force him to rhyme with Tartarus, which would probably bee to hard for him.
  63.  
  64. >It was a small dark creature whom craved to eat her soul!
  65. That's called a pygmy. I don't suppose you see many of them in Philly.
  66.  
  67. >She than turned around to find her face hanging above that of a ghoul's.
  68. Wouldn't it just be simpler to say that the pygmy was behind her? That she turned around and saw him? Poetic/good prose isn't that same as prose that's unnecessarily oddly written for the sake of being different written.
  69.  
  70.  
  71.  
  72. >She cried out of desparity, in this world seemed no sense of clarity.
  73. Does he mean disparity? Was she so upset by the large high disparity between her and the pygmy that it shattered her whole world-view?
  74.  
  75. >When she opened her eyes she saw her room and thought "this is my room!" yet a glinstering of evil in the darkness caught her eye, for this was the person who would murder her soon.
  76. And here you have it, the least original, most edgy ending possible. "It was a dream. But it wasn't. So spooky". Not only is this shitty, but judging by the way it's written, I think that the author of this genuinely believes he's writing good poetry/whateverthefuckthisis.
  77.  
  78.  
  79.  
  80. >Chapter 3: Eden is eternal
  81. Let's continue out Biblical tour. I'm sure we're about to read poetry surpassing the likes of Dante.
  82.  
  83. >In the beloved land of equestria, eden remained. The start of starts, adam and eve were in hearts.
  84. A HiE fic where the Garden of Eden and the origin of mankind is in Equestria. Now I've read it all.
  85.  
  86. >They plead for relief as their god said: It is yet no time for sorrow and grief.
  87. This makes me want to read Genesis again. KJV, of course.
  88.  
  89. >God gave them a tree, and adam asked for thee. He did not know, he did not see. What eve was begging for plea.
  90. Stop, no. My sides. I can't take any more. It's just so bad. I can just imagine the author writing these lines, stopping, and thinking to himself "Wow, I'm writing some really deep, amazing poetry here."
  91.  
  92. >Hungry became the two. Not knowing what to do!
  93. Hungry in God's garden, wat do?
  94. Seriously though, isn't there anything in the entire garden of Eden to eat? On the other hand, God hasn't told then not to eat from it.
  95.  
  96. >An apple was hanging from the tree, beautiful it was, if you'd ask me! Adam and eve took a bite, when a snake performed the rite.
  97. inb4 they get transformed into ponies
  98. Talk about horse apples.
  99.  
  100.  
  101.  
  102. >God was pleasured
  103. THIS PLEASES THE OMNIPOTENT CREATOR
  104.  
  105. >and adam deceased.
  106. This kills the human.
  107.  
  108. >She seeked death, but he said: " you'll live untill your very last breath! No sense of shame, god continued this game.
  109. But everyone lives until their last breath.
  110. I think the author is mixing up God and Jigsaw.
  111.  
  112. >Eva was a goner, she knew because her mouth, was what she was going to sew.
  113. Smoothest prose in the Garden of Eden.
  114.  
  115. >Pain and blood will sheath your hood, sticks and stoned will break your bones,
  116. I need some help understanding the first part of this sentence.
  117.  
  118. >Blood was flooding the land and screams were heard everywhere. There is no safe haven, because death is always aware.
  119. So... Adam and Eve ate the Apple of Eden, God enjoyed it a lot and killed Adam, cursed Eve with... life? And then Eve killed herself and everything turned into the elevator scene from The Shining. All for maximum edge.
  120.  
  121. It's somehow fimfiction related because he mentioned Equestria that one time.
  122.  
  123.  
  124.  
  125. >Chapter 4: A piece of humanity: part one
  126. This time it's real prose. I promise.
  127.  
  128. >Chapter One : Alone, in the darkness.
  129. Oh, so he has chapters inside his chapters now. Seems reasonable, it's not like Fimfiction has inbuilt support for chapters or anything.
  130.  
  131. >What do i do, she thought to herself.
  132. Delete all the poetry you've ever written, turn off your computer, and go outside.
  133.  
  134. >Trapped in a house filled with darkness, the rotting stench intrigued her nose and disgusted her.
  135. inb4 dead ponies and edge.
  136.  
  137. >she was all alone.
  138. No wonder, the other left when they smelled dead ponies.
  139.  
  140. >She tried to stand up but fell down as quickly as bird, whom's wings have been clipped.
  141. See, you're on to something here. If you actually try to write prose, you might get somewhere.
  142.  
  143. >She cried for help and from the darkness, she heard a faint laugh.
  144. If this is a Cupcakes crossover I might just end this here and now.
  145.  
  146. >Than it was that the voice reappeared from the darkness saying: Heave ho there philly, ain't no time to be strugglin'
  147. Oh God, Southern Dwarves.
  148.  
  149. >Chapter two: wake up, wake up.
  150. It's Dwarf gangbang time.
  151.  
  152. >She woke up, finding herself in the same room in the same position. But now, chains.
  153. Those crafty fuckers. What did you do to Snow White
  154.  
  155.  
  156.  
  157. >What is my name, she yet questioned herself.
  158. >'w.. what is my.... name?''
  159. Probably Electric Waveorina Scratch.
  160. As for your captors, I'd guess Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy or Dopey. Better watch out for Dopey, the Germans call him Rumpelbold, and if you don't beware, be might get especially bold around your rump.
  161.  
  162. >'darlin' dun' struggle too much you'll wound up like 'n old buck.
  163. I'm sure that in the original stories collected by the Grimm Brothers, all the dwarves talked like this.
  164.  
  165. >what is my name? She asked.
  166. >Alois bandega de chupacabra, 17 years old, lives in Antrigalya, in equestria.
  167. SIDE STATUS CRITICAL
  168. Those damn dwarves always go after that sweet Latino-Equestrian plot!
  169.  
  170. >Chapter four: info.
  171. The author skipped writing chapter three, so we can only assume that it contained a brutal equnie Latino-Dawrf gangbang scene.
  172.  
  173. >Jus' like me! every 3 hour we'll receive sum' food an' sum water, but the guardian is never to be seen!
  174. Is this dialogue? It's never marked, so there's no way to tell.
  175.  
  176. >Alois started screaming and she tried to escape from her shackles.
  177. Screaming is a true and tested way of getting heavy metal shackles off your hands.
  178.  
  179. >Chapter five : escapee ? Or to be a goner.
  180. Something something boner.
  181.  
  182. >And than, out of the blue she heard a sort of spraying noise.
  183. It's the Zyklon B, I'm telling you! Those dwarves are German after all.
  184.  
  185.  
  186.  
  187. >and her vision blurred out, fading to black.
  188. >when she woke up she wasn't alone.
  189. Well, weren't you talking to someone who wasnt' your captors in the last chapter? Who the fuck was that anyway?
  190.  
  191. >Someone was taking off her shackles.
  192. It's supposed to say shekels, I'm sure. /pol/ told me so.
  193.  
  194. >She stomped the animal in his face with her hoof and a loud, muffled sort of drum was heard.
  195. Wait. Young innocent girl. Germans. Gas chambers. Drums for heads. A weird sexual theme. It was Jeff Magnum all along.
  196.  
  197. >Than, a loud click was heard and a door appeared behind stone walls.
  198. Hidden doors. Typical dwarves.
  199.  
  200. >Chapter five : Freedom !
  201. Chapter 5 is so important it comes two times.
  202.  
  203. >She ran outside, to find herself in a desert.
  204. >Not knowing anything of her location, she just started walking and walking.
  205. I'm still unsure what this fic is even supposed to be about? She got abducted... then fled? That's it?
  206.  
  207. >A juice cactus. Alois drank the juice inside of the cactus.
  208. >Little did she know this was an cactus irregularis polaris.
  209. This author sure seems like he knows shit about cacti.
  210.  
  211. >She laughed, and laughed, and clouds turned into bears and birds.
  212. Tripping balls scene?
  213.  
  214. >and after all was done, she kept on walking.
  215. Actually not. A single sentence was all that was devoted to the result of half a chapter of cactus-talk.
  216.  
  217.  
  218.  
  219. >Which was a good idea, she was close to a city , pendrumegalaris!
  220. There's bad fantasy names, and then there's "pendrumegalaris".
  221.  
  222. >A desert city whom is known for bandits and thieves.
  223. I'm still unsure if this is anthro, human or pony. Or what this is even all about.
  224.  
  225. >Chapter six: Arrival
  226. OF THE FITTEST
  227.  
  228. >Alois arrived at pendrumegalaris, but it was different! She saw landlords and rich people sitting and laughing, With the bandits !
  229. I can't wait to find out why.
  230.  
  231. >It was darenta chuli perdumigo de amigo festival, lucky.
  232. Why is Equestria Mexican?
  233.  
  234. >Alois ate all she could see, and continued her search for her beloved land of antrigalya.
  235. Does this even have any reason to be on fimfiction?
  236.  
  237. >She continued her journey, finding herself a new tale, within a tale.
  238. 3deep5me.
  239.  
  240. What a load of premium shit. Only one chapter (real chapter) left now. In the entire fic, the word "Equestria" occurs three times, and pony/ponies 8 times.
  241.  
  242. >Which was a good idea, she was close to a city , pendrumegalaris!
  243. There's bad fantasy names, and then there's "pendrumegalaris".
  244.  
  245. >A desert city whom is known for bandits and thieves.
  246. I'm still unsure if this is anthro, human or pony. Or what this is even all about.
  247.  
  248. >Chapter six: Arrival
  249. OF THE FITTEST
  250.  
  251. >Alois arrived at pendrumegalaris, but it was different! She saw landlords and rich people sitting and laughing, With the bandits !
  252. I can't wait to find out why.
  253.  
  254.  
  255.  
  256. >Chapter 5: A piece of humanity: part two
  257. Let's just finish this.
  258.  
  259.  
  260. >Chapter one : Fuerza de Azul.
  261. So when we get to a new chapter... we get new sub-chapters? For some reason?
  262.  
  263. >She woke up from dreaming, put on her shoes.
  264. Ponies have shoes now.
  265.  
  266. >Antrigalya... Is not in Equestria
  267. I would never have imagined such a twist.
  268.  
  269. >And now she remembered! Antrigalya is in the demon demension.
  270. Are you sure it's not in the Elemental Realm of Edge?
  271.  
  272. >Alois was a pony defender and in the barracks of the royal guard.
  273. We can only assume that it's the job of a pony defender to defend ponies.
  274.  
  275. >Sent on a mission to eliminate the demons from Fuerza de Azul, the demon demension.
  276. But you live in that dimension. Are you a demon? Why are you in Equestria?
  277.  
  278. >Maybe someone was against the royal guard ? against all humanity ? nah...
  279. So you're human now? Is everyone human? Is your country human? Are demons humans? Are ponies humans? I don't.... fuck it. Let's not try to understand this mess.
  280.  
  281.  
  282.  
  283. >Her wings started working again, and she tried to fly from ledge to ledge, and in no time she got her old speed back.
  284. So you're a pony now? Or are you a human with wings? Why the fuck didn't you fly in the desert you lazy fuck?
  285.  
  286. >She flew as fast as she can, and arrived at the portal to Fuerza de Azul
  287. Which is just here in this random Mexican thief-town in Equestria.
  288.  
  289. >Where the gatekeeper was waiting on her.
  290. >''Let me give thy a rhyme oh mysterious one' the gatekeeper said.
  291. Oh yey. The only thing I was missing. More rhymes.
  292.  
  293. >''What is worth more money than all keepings in the world, and is only to be found in other ponies?''
  294. Is it souls that can be harvested for dark free-form poetry-rituals?
  295.  
  296. >Friendship and a good heart, gatekeeper.
  297. That's two things you stupid fucking cunt.
  298.  
  299. >And alois passed through.
  300. Of course Aioli here always wins and gets away with anything.
  301.  
  302. >Chapter two : Not good enough.
  303. You're completely right. This isn't good enough. It's hardly even pony-related. How did this pass moderation?
  304.  
  305. >Struggling against the intense heat of the flames, alois entered.
  306. Aren't you used to this? You live in this always-burning land.
  307.  
  308. >But what she found was not a demon, nor something evil.
  309. >All her companions had been sliced, murdered,decapitated and ripped apart.
  310. In that order? I'd say that qualifies as evil.
  311.  
  312.  
  313.  
  314. >Alois, whose heart was broken and enraged, turned black.
  315. >Dust swirling around her and an armor of evil, blackness wrapped on her body.
  316. What is it with shitty (self-insert) fanficton writers and rage-triggered murder-abilities? Are these individuals really so hateful towards the people around them IRL that this is something they fantasise about? About murder and anger solving all their issues? It's quite worrisome, actually.
  317.  
  318. >With red eyes and flaming hoofs Alois ran to the demon king
  319. This sounds more and more like something out of a shitty anime.
  320.  
  321. >Is this your doing, demon ?
  322. >''Oh please. Call me grelur, and yes. Those puny ponies had been left to their fate by their friend.''
  323. >Well then, it's time for you to suffer grelur.
  324. Oh. So the King was just nearby. Chillin'. Waiting for someone to... come kill him? At least he has manners.
  325.  
  326. >Chapter 3 : the final fight
  327. Finally.
  328.  
  329. >Alois flew at the speed of light, with flaming hoofs, which she slammed onto the demon everytime she passed.
  330. FLYING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT, QUICKEST MARY SUE AROUND, GOT OURSELF A SITUATION, STUCK IN A NEW LOCATION, WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION
  331.  
  332. >The demon laughed and said :'' Alois are you serious? Is this all?''
  333. Getting hit by objects at the speed of light is a regular thing in the life of a Demon King.
  334.  
  335.  
  336.  
  337. >Alois her skin bursted, a lava like substance was pouring out, creating a rocklike armor, with spikes and fire.
  338. But something like shackles can easily subdue her.
  339.  
  340. >And as she screamed, a blue light which grelur didn't know , poured out of her body and wrapped around her hoofs, Soulforge weapons.... alois whispered.
  341. I'm sure glad we've been provided with the sufficient worldbuilding to know what all of this shit it.
  342.  
  343. >Grelur laughed. What is this ? some kind of spell ?
  344. >Alois's face was still dead serious: Yes, it's called demon cleaver.
  345. ALL THESE NAMES AND SPELLS SURE MATTER TO THE READER
  346.  
  347. >''now die.'' The blue flames morphed to swords, thousand of them slashed through grelur and after the smoke was cleared
  348. Could have been worse. Could have been katanas.
  349.  
  350. >There was no grelur left. Just a bit pile of demon meat.
  351. It's great for beef-jerky.
  352.  
  353. >Chapter four : goodbye forever.
  354. Finally, time for the dramatic suicide.
  355.  
  356. >alois slowly approached all her dead friends.
  357. >''Why, Why would you do this to me ?'' alois cried.
  358. >''my time has come, I shall stay with my friends, up there.''
  359. >And alois jumped into the fire.
  360. After 5 chapters, I'm glad we've all realised that suicide is the only option.
  361.  
  362.  
  363.  
  364. >End.
  365. Woah, I'm sure sad that this amazing story about the Grimm Brothers and their stories from Equestria is over. It was extremely related to the show My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, and the poetry was simply divine. I'm especially glad that it had tons of stuff to do with German folklore.
  366.  
  367. >You see grimm and gramm were cave exploring, when they found the portal to fuerza de Azul.
  368. >And there they entered the portal and found Alois's journal.
  369. >They kept it secret, until now.
  370. I don't know what I expected.
  371. Who the fuck is Gramm?
  372.  
  373. I give up.
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