Anon of Olympia! (Done)

It's your day off work, so you're doing what you always do.
Wander ponyville and watch the ponies get their shenan on! Again!
You have alot of days off work. But you're paid well enough you can afford it.
Few dare to gather rare herbs from the depths of the Everfree.
But you does! Dares! Do!
The creatures that live there are no match for you.
It's not that you're super strong, or magic or invincible.
Well you're moderately resistant to magic but other than that you're the equal of a fit healthy earth pony.
You do have one advantage though. You're human.
And that means you're capable of viciousness, violence and cunning that equestrian lifeforms can't match.
Manticores and timberwolves expect things to run FROM them, not run AT them with a spear.
Though to be honest you could defeat most things in the Everfree without channeling your inner caveman
Bapping them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper would do.
But enough reminiscing. Time to catch up on the town gossip. You wonder where Rarity is.
Wait is that rainbow outside the school? And who the hell is the Browny McFrownerson with her?

"Hey Dash!"
"Oh hey Anon, can't stop to talk, gotta alot of stuff to do."
She looks back at frowny brown.
"Professional stuff."
"Oookay but before you go, what are you doing at the school."
"Just talking to the fillies and foals about carrying our AWESOME flag at the Equestria Games!"
Browny Frown coughs loudly
"Sorry Anon, gotta go!"
Equestria games eh?

-----One interminable lecture from Twilight later-----

So you've worked out that the Equestria games is basically pony olympics
And that browny frown is the head of some organising committee
"Well thanks for answering all my questions with that very, very, very detailed lecture Twilight"
"You're welcome Anon, I'm always glad to teach you more about Equestria!"
Twilight again proves that ponies will never understand sarcasm.
"Twilight, could I enter the games as an athlete?"
Could be fun. Also you've got to teach these ponies to make way for the Homo Superior.
Twilight however looks very nervous, she's looking everywhere but at you.
"I- I don't think that's a good idea Anon. The games are, well designed for quadrupeds, not bipeds. And you can't fly or use magic either."
Bullshit. Racist Equestrians won't keep you out of their games because you're a biped. Triped for the ladies.
You'll take this shit to the Princesses! Real princesses who live in castles and shit!
You get up and march towards the door.
"Anon, where are you going?"
"You'll see Twilight. You'll all see."
That sounded way more sinister than it was supposed to.


0900.....
Anon to Base. The Purple Book has left the Shelf. The Purple Book has left the shelf.
Base to Anon. Operation: DragonFire is a go.
Sneaking into the library through an open window, you now stand in the middle of the room.
Now to secure the package for the next stage of your master plan.
"SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"
"I'm right here Anon."
The package is standing right next to you.
"How long have you been there?"
"Since you started climbing through the kitchen window." He says with a grin.
Damn smug dragonling grumble grumble.
"Spike, take a letter. This one's going right to the princesses. EXPRESS DELIVERY!"
"Okaaay."
"Dear Princess Sunbutt and Princess Moonbutt....."

"Sister, thou called us. We hear there be a letter to us?"
"Indeed. It's from Anon. He wishes to compete in the Games this year."
"We see no problem with this. Why wouldst Anon write to us on this matter?"
"Apparently Twilight tried to discourage him and now he wants to enter as a one pony.. ahem one man team."
"Why would thine student discourage somepony for wishing to prove their might in honorable competition?"
"I'm inclined to agree with Twilight, Luna. The events at the Games aren't designed for someone like Anon. He will only end up embarrassing himself."
"We think thou underestimate Anon. In fact, we name him our Champion for the Games. Would thou care to pit thine own against mine?"
"I don't have one Luna. But I will make a wager if you like."
"Very well Sister. If our Champion wins at least 7 medals of any kind thou must give up thine cakes for a month!"
"And if he fails you have to wear socks to the next Royal Court after the Games."
"TIS AGREED!"
"Inside voice sister."


-----One Day Later-----

You're officially a competing athlete. By royal Proclamation too.
Now you've got to prepare. You'll show those confounded ponies what's what.
And the princesses sent you a list of events too. Ok, what can you actually compete in?
Aerial Relay. Nope, only one man
Aerial Sprint. With a little human ingenuity perhaps.
Ice Archery. Ha ponies don't know you're descended from the green archer, Robin Hood. Inside your mind.
Apple-Bucking? Not even gonna touch that one
Wrestling. I'm the tower of power, to sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey, OOOOOH YEAH!
Swimming. In the bag, not even sure ponies can swim.
Tae-hoof-do. Yeah sure, I watched karate kid. I'll wax their shit.
Figure Skating. Gay
Figure Flying. Gayer?
Javelin. How would a pony even throw a spear?
Sprint. As long as there's no zebra's I can take it.
Marathon. Fucking zebra's better not be like kenyans.
Qualifiers in a month. Oh man, you can't waste time.
"TO THE TRAIN STATION!"
"Anon who are you talking to?"
"Oh. Spike. You're still here?"

-----The next day in Saddle Arabia-----

"Come! Come my Friend! I have special price just for you!"
The pony in the sand covered robe waves you inside.
"So you got the stuff I asked for Horssan?"
"Yes, yes. Come my friend. Is just there."
Indeed it is. Four big ass pots of black, gloopy bullshit.
And more importantly the key to one of your future victories
"Crazy Horssan's prices are crazy. But I am wondering. Why would my friend be crazy enough to pay so much for useless black slime?"
"Far from useless Horssan. Far from useless. Hehahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-----One month later-----

Rainbow Falls is way too much like Candyland. Even for this dimension. All that's missing is the Chocolate Brick Road.
"YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"HEY BULK"
Can't see /fit/pony incarnate but you did expect someone like him to be here.
You managed to skip most of the other Qualifiers, Royal Dispensation fuckers. But no dice on the flying for obvious reasons.
Time to register, kick ass and take names. You're going to show these ponies the Glory of Olympus
"Name and team please."
"Anonymous. The Glorious Free Republic of 4chanistan."
"The qualifier for aerial sprint is in 6 hours. Cutting it kind of short there ain't ya."
The pony with the clipboard finally looks up at you.
"HEY! You don't have wings!"
Awww, the pony thinks you aren't prepared.
"Humans don't fly like ponies do."
The little pony looks at you skeptically but waves you in.
"Anon? What are you doing here?"
"Twilight. I'm here to compete."
"COMPETE?!"
You chuckle and walk away leaving the purple pone spluttering with confusion.

-----6 hours later at the starting line-----

"YAY NONNY!"
My god. Pinkie dressed as a cheerleader. You're honestly not sure whether to get a boner or have a heart attack.
"Hey Pinkie, you guys come to cheer me on?"
"Yepper-roonie"
"Ah'm more interested in seein ya fly sugarcube."
"Yeah Anon. How could you not tell me you can fly? I could have taught you some totally awesome moves."
"Erm... Anon.. What's that big thing on your back? If you don't mind me asking...."
"ON YOUR MARKS!"
You pull your best heroic pose and hit the big red button on your chest.
Two huge steel grey wings shoot out of your jetpack. Ponies leap back in surprise.
"To infinity."
"READY!"
"AND BEYOND!"
"GO!"
*BOOOMFWOOOOOOSSSHHHH*
Who knew your limited knowledge of engineering and the cartoon physics of this world could let you build a working jetpack.


-----X months later at the Equestria Games------

It is a time of joy and sorrow, joy because you're about to dominate these scrubs.
Sorrow because it hasn't gone completely to plan.
For one, your country's flag of two crossed dragon dildos over a mound of dragon dildos motif was veto'd by the organizers
You've had to use the back up, two russians fighting over a pineapple.
But worst of all, they confiscated your 'Dick Dastardly Olympic Games Cheating Kit'
To be fair you probably should have waited until you passed security before twirling your mustache.
But god damn it if that shit is not addictive.

-----Later in the Commentary booth-----

"Hello everypony and welcome to the first day of the Equestria Games, I'm Mic Stand"
"And I'm Pone Madden, and let me tell you Mic, it looks like it a great event."
"You're absolutely right Madden, and the first event of the day is the Sprint."
"Now the favorite for this event is Fleet Hoof from Manehatten."
"Now there's a pony who when he runs, he moves faster."
"....ok. He may be the favorite but there is a wildcard athlete. Anonymous the human!"

-----Down on the starting line-----

Think like a kenyan Anon, come on. Think like a kenyan.
Channel your inner african.
"Contestants on your marks."
Picture yourself wearing a loincloth and hunting antelope
Picture yourself running from a lion.
"Set."
Picture yourself running from a lion who is also a police officer.
NAAAAAAAAAAAA SEVENYA! BABAGITZI BABA!
"GO!"


-----Back in the Commentary Booth-----

"First place for the human. What a turn of events."
"Absolutely Mic, this will definitely shake up the other competitors."
"And if the other competitors get rattled, it might make it easier for Anonymous."
"Here's a human who can use his arms and legs at the same time."
"Madden, he's the only creature here with arms....."


-----In the Royal Booth-----

Wrestling is your favourite part of the games.
You'd never admit it though, what your little ponies would think if their princess was 'enjoying' this particular event.
Especially when it's two sweaty stallions, rubbing and grinding against each other.
Oh, you hope the next event is two stallions.
"Greetings Sister."
Luna enters the booth grinning broadly.
"Luna, you look happy."
Probably for the same reason you are.
"Anon has won two medals sister, javelin and sprint. We hope thou are looking forward to a cake free month."
"Only two Luna, he has to win seven."
You're getting smug too soon Luna.
"Soon to be three sister. The next match is the final and tis Anon competing."
Well see about that, his opponent is the largest minotaur you've seen in centuries.
"Speaking of which, where is Anon. His opponent is waiting."
Everyone's waiting, the match should have started five minutes ago.
The sky suddenly clouds over, casting the arena into darkness.
What's going on, this isn't the weather planned for today...
*KRAKOOM* A bolt of lightning cleaves the sky and booming voice yells out across the Arena.
"IF YOU SMEEEELLLLLL WHAT THE ANON IS COOKING!"
The sky instantly clears and you spot an oiled up Anon striding down to the ring wearing only shoes and a tight fitting black loincloth.
Oh my......

-----Next day at the swimming pool-----

You are Anon, and you're confused and disappointed.
You prepared for this event hard, just like the others.
A week was spent with Rarity trying to invent something close to lycra so you could have your speedos and swimcap thing.
Hell you even shaved all your back and leg hair off to become more hydrodynamic, if that's the word for it.
Apparently that was time poorly spent.
You'd been drawn in the third group, which was lucky. You'd have plenty of time to psyche yourself up.
And analyse the competition, look for weaknesses, study equestrian swimming styles.
Well the psyching up didn't happen and the study could barely be called a study, more of a passing observation.
As it turns out there's only two swimming styles.
The pony paddle, which is essentially doggy paddle with hooves. And the duckstroke, where they attempt to mimic a duck.
It's cute. Ridiculously so, even by pony standards.
It doesn't help the pool is only about four or five foot deep.
You could just stand up and walk it.
And so you're left with a dilemma. You want to win but even a half decent swimmer could dominate here.
Where exactly is the line between winning and showing off like a dickhead?
You already feel like a bit of dick for shaving your body.

Things have been going well, very well. You've already got five medals.
Sprint, javelin, wrestling, swimming and marathon.
Only one of them is gold but that's pretty good for the most unathletic man in the world.
Though as the only man, you're also the most athletic man in the world.
A conundrum for the philosophers.
It's not all gone your way though. You washed out of the figure skating.
You blame that one on not being gay enough to figure skate.
And not having the right physique for spandex.
And then there was the figure flying.
As much as building a jetpack inflated your ego, one look at what the other competitors were doing sent you back to the locker rooms with the proverbial tail between your legs.
You're crazy but not that crazy.
Which just leaves three events, Tae-Hoof-Do, Ice Archery and the Aerial Sprint.

You are Striking Hoof. Master of Tae-Hoof-Do and owner of the Canterlot Dojo.
You've been drawn in the final bout against the human.
Unfortunately you've been unable to witness any of his matches, his technique is a mystery.
But he must have some to have progressed this far.
You did see his wrestling though, he has reach, strength and is rather unorthodox.
To be on the safe side you engage in an acrobatic display of kicks, spins and flips.
In a novice such a display would be a sign of arrogance, not at all in keeping with the Way of the Water Hoof.
But you are a master, fully in control of your emotions and well aware that the battle begins in the mind before the body.
The human responds by singing. Loudly.
"YOU'RE THE BEST AROUND!"
He then extends his arms above his head like two rearing snakes.
"NOTHINGS GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN"
He finishes his stance by standing on one leg like some kind of wading bird.
"YOU'RE THE BEST AROUND!"
It looks like a stiff breeze would make him lose his balance.
"NOTHINGS GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN"
You share a look with the referee who only shrugs in response.
The referee sweeps a hoof down "Fight."
Best end this quickly....

You are Princess Twilight and you felt that one from here.
You should have put an end to this long ago.
Every match has begun and ended the same way.
Anon would yell out his ridiculous war chant and adopt some kind of Monkey Pone-Fu stance.
The challenger would approach and Anon's leg would snap out like a viper.
And each challenger would be flipped onto their back with a broken jaw.
Twelve broken jaws! TWELVE!
This isn't honorable Pone-Fu, the art of self defense!
It's a bucking brutal assault!


"Anon are you in here?"
You need to talk to Anon about what happened earlier, hopefully you'll catch him before the archery event.
"Yeah I'm here Twilight."
Anon walks out of a changing cubicle.
"Anon what the buck are you wearing? Nevermind I need to talk to you abo-"
"How are my seams Twilight?"
"Wha-"
"Perfect. Every time. I tell ya, you've got to be a man to wear tights."
Music starts up from nowhere. Music? Anon doesn't have the power of song...
In unison all the cubicle doors open and a dozen Anons step out all dressed the same.
"We're Men. We're men in tights. We roam around Equestria looking for fights!"
Wha- Who? How? Singing? Anons!
"We're Men. Manly Men! We're men in tights. Yessss"



Thou are Princess Luna, Glory of the Night and Mistress of Dreams.
And thou can barely stop thyself from squealing in delight.
Thy Champion, Anon, is but one medal away from victory.
Your victory more precisely, your mind already conjures images of rubbing your nose in cake because thy sister may not.
A cheer from crowd heralds Anon's arrival on the field.
The sight is strange, Anon's wings are huge, the size of his torso even while at rest.
How has he concealed them until now?
Anon takes his position at the start and his wings unfurl, iron grey and bald of feathers.
And such an impressive wingspan, thine own wings begin to rise.
"FOR THE EMPEROR!"
You have no time to comprehend what emperor he speaks of, for at that moment he launches skyward with the sound of thunder on a plume of fire.
Thunder. Fire. Wings. Of course it makes perfect sense. Anon must be part phoenix!
But this is not time for such thoughts, a month of cake hangs in the balance.
Returning your mind to Anon's performance it's clear he will not seize the gold medal.
He has the edge on speed, indeed he is swifter than even the Wonderbolts.
But his finesse is poor, he flies wide to take even the simplest turns.
Thou art on the edge of thy seat as he approach the final stretch.
*CLAAAANNGGGGGGGGG*
ANON! NO! He's hit the last flight ring!
Come on my champion, keep going. Cross that line.

----Meanwhile in Anon's head----

JESUS FUCK CHRIST!
That was a bad one. Stupid.
A brief glance to the left reveals the wing is bent out of shape.
Throwing caution to the wind, ha pun, you put the pedal to metal.
Hoping to cross the line before you totally lose control.
You can already feel the pack trying to spiral.
Wrestling with the controls, you just about manage to cross the line before losing it.
The only thing you can do now is close your eyes, cover your head with your arms and hope you don't die.
....
....
You feel a heavy impact that knocks the wind out of you.
And the sound of metal shearing apart.
Also the sensation of spinning end over end.
The unpleasant and bizarre thought enters your mind that this experience is remarkably similar to falling down a flight of stairs.
Eventually you come to a halt and open your eyes, the world won't stay still, everything keeps spinning.
You can just about make out a Moonbutt looking down at you.
"ANON! THINE WING! MY CHAMPION! SPEAK TO US!"
Stomach to brain, we need to vomit.
"I'm ok Lun-BLLRRGHHELLLL"



----2 weeks later in Canterlot----

It was nice of the princesses to invite you to lunch.
Cake and coffee.
Strange Celestia isn't eating any.
You'd heard she loved cake.