Thread 85: Stories 16-30

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>Pinkie
"Dash"
'Rarity'
~~~

>...Is her eye about to pop out?

"It looks like that, doesn't it?"

>Buzzing like she drank all of the caffeine. Not even coffee, just caffeine.

"Shaking like there's a spider in front of her that only she can see, and it knows she's the only one who can see it."

>Jittery like she's swallowed a bomb and doesn't want us to know.

"Twitching like she can feel the alien thing insider her about to eat it's way out.

>Buzzing like she left her 'back massager' in and forgot to turn it off.

"..."

>Too far?

"Rarity? Please tell us what's going on before Pinkie gets even Pinkier."

'NEEEEVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRR!'

SLAMSLAMSLAMSLAMSLAMSLAM...

>...

"...Okay, so, Rarity just beat herself into unconsciousness in front of us."

>Do you know what this means!?

"That we should probably call for medical attention?"

>What? No!

"...That should not be a-"

>IT MEANS I CAN TAKE THE LEAD AGAIN IN THE WAR! IT'S OOOOONNNNNNNNNN!

ZOOM!

"..."

'...glrlg..'

"...I wish I had normal friends sometimes...'

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 >Twilight
"Celestia"
~~~~

>You ever worry this whole thing is just going to burn to the ground the moment you look in the other direction?

"I did that once, I'm still paying for it via complaints from an annoying orange apple farmer. My advice, if it comes down to it, just take the fire."

>I would, but if Equestria burns down I have to move back in with my parents. Yes, they will survive, do not question it.

"You could move in with Shiny."

>Pretty sure he's out of spare rooms by this point.

"Meh, most of them sleep in his bed."

>...Hrm. That wouldn't be so bad.

"Moving in or the bed thing?"

>What would be the difference?

"...nevermind. Just to clarify, what was it exactly that made you wonder this weird train of thought?"

>I just noticed that there's a whole bunch of really powerful superbeings running around unchecked, and that most of them have defeated both you and me at some point. I just feel like the moment I stop paying attention, bam, something's going to happen.

"Welcome to the life of a princess."

>Does it get any better?

"No."

>...Couldn't even pretend to make me feel better?

"Tried that once... didn't work out so well."

>...If it does burn down-

"Then yes, I have a way out."

>...

"If it comes, just blow this flute, you'll know."

>...

"...You'll know."

>...I miss it when all my answers came from a magic necklace.

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>12
"SL"
'Haymaker'
~~~~~

>Stoooop it.

"I'm not doing anything."

>Stooooop it.

"I'm being very stopped. There is no need for more stopping."

>...Stop.

"YOU NEVER LET ME HAVE ANY FUN!"

'What were you doing?'

"Not cloning you and seeing if I can transplant your memories into it to make an experiment on existentialism!"

'...'

>...Yeah.

'Why are you still here.'

>She has great hooves.

'...'

>...I'm sad now.

"WELCOME TO THE CLUB!"

'I miss Blueblood...'

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>Sunset
"Twilight'
~~~~

>At what point did this become less about examining me and more about stabbing me with random things?

"I'd say about four hours in."

>...

"Four hours in yesterday."

>Why.

"Look, I'm trying to figure out how to make your blood actually blood again. It's regenerating, but it's also mostly ash. If your organs are not actually working when this turns back on, you're just going to die immediately."

>Yeah, let's avoid that.

"So I'm just down to trying to restart whatever I can, and then hope I can do this for literally everything."

>...Do you think we should-

"No."

>You read it too! I know you read it too!

"It's just a story!"

>It could work! You don't know! YOU DON'T KNOW!

"...Fiiiine, we'll try it."

~~~~~~

"SPIKE! THROW THE SWITCH!... IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIIIIVVVVEEEEEEE!"

>No I'm not.

"I know, but if we're going to do this, let's go full on you know? Let's not half ass it."

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NC
~~~

>Who the fuck is that!?

"Your bride."

>...

"...What part of 'if we're going to do it let's not half-ass it' did you not understand?"

>She cannot be okay with this.

'Ah'm not, and Ah'm gonna buck Twilight right in the babymaker fer' what she did ta' mah' hair.'

"Oh posh, you will not."

'...'

"...SPIKE HELP!"

[You're on your own, doctor.]

"This is because I made you Igor, isn't it?"

[YA THINK!?]

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>Sunset
"Twilight"
'Celestia'
~~~~~

'-seen the look on her face, dear Twilight. It was truly remarkable how you-'

"And still the princess chatted pleasantly, and smiled. Was it possible she heard not?"

'Tw-Twilight?'

"Almighty Faust! --no, no! She heard! --she suspected! --she knew! --she was making a mockery of my horror!-this I thought, and this I think."

'Twilight, calm down. Explain. What are you so upset about?'

"But anything was better than this agony Anything was more tolerable than this derision! I could bear her hypocritical smiles no longer! I felt that I must scream or die! and now --again! --hark! louder! louder! louder! louder!"

'Twilight, you are staring to scare me! What's happening to you?!'

"Villainess,dissemble no more! I admit the deed! --tear up the planks!"

CRACK

SPLINTER

"Here, here! --It is the beating of her hideous heart!"

>Ba-dump, ba-dump!

'...'

"..."

>...

'Twilight. Did you hide Sunset under my bedrooms floor boards just to make an obscure book reference with her?'

"..."

'...'

>I thought it was pretty funny.

"..."

'...'

>"Worth it!"

*DOUBLETELEPORT*

'...well, at least they are bonding over something.'

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 >Twilight
"Sunset"
'???'
~~~~

>Bad news.

"Wouldn't go for it?"

>Wouldn't go for it.

"You offered her the money, right?"

>Still wouldn't.

"What about the other stuff, offered it?"

>Offered everything.

"Still no?"

>Nope.

"...We knew this was a risk, she's not a team player."

>It was worse than that...

~~~~~

'You want me to WHAT!?'

>Paint yourself white.

'...And then-'

>Then we recite this and give up the spear

'What!?'

>For someone who reads books, you're rather uncultured.

'I'm not doing all this to fulfill some reference to an overrated hamhanded cautionary tale!'

>...

'I SAID IT!'

~~~~

>So yeah.

"OVERRATED!?"

>She totally said that.

"...Is she right?"

>...

"...'

>...My world is a lie.

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 >Sunset
"Twilight"
'Luna'
~~~~

'Twilight Sparkle! One whom we have never met nor had any real conversation with with and had no desire to before now!'

>Needlessly hurtful.

'We wish to speak to thee! We have heard thou art enjoying of the classics!'

"Oh... yeah! We are. Have you heard of The Pendulum?"

'Nay!'

>What about Twenty Thousand Fathoms?

'Never heard of it!'

"...The Lost Land?"

'What is this bafoonery? We said the classics!'

>Well, what IS the classics?

'We are privvy to the Mare and Two Sons!'

"...That really, really, really old fairytale? With the singing mice?"

'Singing mice!? Where art there singing mice!? That would be like adding making The Lumped Pony of the Bell with a happy ending!'

>But that does have a happy ending, the pretty stallion gets the mare.

"And not the ugly guy, because of course."

'WHAT!?'

>...

"...It's hitting me."

>Hit me a second ago.

'What!?'

>Luna... have a seat.

~~~~~

'BURN IT ALL TO THE GRRROOOOOUUUUNNNNDDD!'

>NO LUNA NO!

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>MM
"??"
'??'
~~~~

>...Paappers... pppaaaapppers.... why is it called pay per? We don't pay per paper. We pay for them in bulk, that's how they're made. It should be... papulk... papulk... no, that sounds like I'm puking, I see why they wouldn't-

SLAM!

>...

"LESSER POLITICIAN! A GREAT EVIL HAS BEEN THRUST UPON THIS WORLD AND WE SHALL RECTIFY IT!"

>Oh no! That's terrible! What is-

'Do not get excited, it is stupid.'

SMACK!

"TIS NOT STUPID!"

>...Why is Niney, Zeccy and Trixie all tied up like that?

"BECAUSE WE NEED- wait, why did you..."

>...

"COME!"

>EEP!

CRASH!

>MY WALL!

'Do not bother. Thine cries are pointless.'

>BUT I-

'Marey? Did you notice that only I am not gagged?'

>...That one did confuse me, yes.

'I am the only one who knew when to stop talking.'

>...

'...'

>...

'...Shut up.'

"WE SHALL BRING CULTURE BACK TO THESE FOOLS IF IT KILLS ALL OF YOU!"

>...not you?

"HA HA! Thou speaks funny jokes, politicians. Me, dying, before all of you... hilarious."

>...No way out of this?

'...'

>...Not the first time I just had to wait for it to be over...

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NC
>Arana
"Blueblood"
'Haymaker'
~~~~~~

>Oh hey! Momma's old costume!

"Costume?"

'...wait a minute...'

>Oh, yeah. She used to love going into pony towns and going into their contests.

"...I am hesitant to ask, but must know. Contests?"

'...Waaaaaaait a minute....'

>Think they called 'em... wrestlin'?

"Your mother used to wrestle? That doesn't sound very-"

'WAIT A MINUTE!'

>..

"...'

'...EL ARACHINO!?'

>That was it! You know her?

'Uh... s-somewhat familiar, yeah.'

>Neat!

'...'

>...What?

"You have her poster on your wall, don't you?"

'Yep.'

"And you used to-"

'Every. Single. NIGHT.'

"Euuuugghhhh."

'You think this is bad for you!?'

"Well, clearly not as bad as.... yeah."

>I dun gettit-

'"NOTHING!''

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Non-Canon
>Pinkie
"Fluttershy"
~~~~~
>Welcome to Not Late Night /pa/ with your host Pinkie Pie! It's during this time that content does matter, but people love me! Now for our main guest...FLUTTERSHY!!!

"H-hello."

>What would you say if I got you a *CENSORED*.

"A what!?!"

>You know, a *CENSORED*. I know how stressed you get, so maybe a *CENSORED* would help you get some relief.

Fluttershy blushes.
"Um...that's kind of you Pinkie, but-"

>You'd use it right? It'd be a little rude if I got it for you and you didn't use it.

"Uh...yes I guess that's true, but..."
Ducks her head low.
"how I'd use a *CENSORED* is kind of pri-"

>Whoops, we're out of time folks and it's settled. You're getting a *CENSORED*, Flutters!
Fluttershy wakes up.

"...oh I hope she doesn't air that."

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>Applejack
"Chrysalis"
'??'
~~~

The Queen of all Changelings was normally a fierce, terrifying thing to behold on her worst days, a sight of dark beauty and hints of cruelty.

Currently she was a giant blob of moving shopping bags.

"Hivedeemned mosherfuhhers maki me charry mah own bagsh. Ahm sha QUEEH! Ah dun carry mah own bagsh!"

Nobody had the heart to point out she had telekinesis.

>Why ain't ya' just carryin' 'em with magic?

Except for the pony who's whole thing was 'common sense', of course.

"...Becaush shu up."

She emerged from the bags like a butterfly emerging from a bad pun, all of them hovering around her in the air and following to her tune.

>Really.

"I'll have you know I'm trying not to get overly attached to my magic."

>....really.

"It's true. This recent events have opened my eyes to the fact that- can you at least pretend you're going to believe me?"

In response, the apple princess just rolled her eyes.

>...Hey, Chrysalis?

"That is, in fact, who I am. Glad you can manage to tell at least some of us apart, you racist."

Strangely, instead of rising to the bait, she just took a long, slow breath.

>...Look, we agreed we ain't on negative terms no more, right? We're gonna at least try to act like we ain't at each other no more?

In an instant, she had done what very few ever could. Put the Queen off guard, and on edge.

"That was the idea, yes."

>So... can Ah' ask ya' a favor?

She bopped herself in the ears, but strangely no little tiny Discords fell from them.

"What?"

>Ah'm... Ah'm askin' ya' a favor.

"...You... APPLEJACK... are asking me... ME... a favor. I didn't body swap with Twi-bright, right? There was that weird light and tingling sensation in her lab."

>That's probably just the cancer.

"Oh. Phew... well, my world is no less unsettled, but in the spirit of all of this I'll at least hear you out... what did you want?"

>...It's a big one.

"That's what *I* said."

>...

"About Shiny."

>..

"...He has a big di-"

>GOT IT!

"HAH!... Well, tis the season and all. Go on, divulge your oh so big request to me."

>...Can ya'...

She hissed through her teeth, orange hooves ruffling her own hait.

>Look, can ya' just... it ain't gotta be all the time, just occasionally, just... okay, look, Ah' know ya'll have a history, and this ain't the best way, but iffin' Ah' don't do it now Ah'm probably never gonna, cause lord knows we ain't gonna be on neutral terms forever. So... look, just-

"Oh dear sweet FUCK will you TALK ALREADY!?"

>...Ah' want ya' ta'...

"..."

>...Ah' want ya' ta'...

"..."

>...Let Arana come see yer' hive sometimes.

"..."
>...
"..."
>...
"...Well, that didn't last long."

>Chrysalis, Ah'm serious.

"That only makes me think you're crazier than initially thought, and initial thoughts were 'supercrazy'."

>Look... just... fer' Hearth's Warmin'? Be good fer' the holidays?

"I don't celebrate that, we changelings weren't invited.. which when you think about it was a pity, because Windigos are obviously weak to love-magic, and we spit the stuff.."

>Chrysalis.

"Alright, in a show that proves I'm at least a little naive, what, oh what, brought this on?"

>...She was happy ta'day.

"Well la-de-fuckin'-da. What a change."

>No, ya' don't get it. She talked ta' Chitania and...

She sighed again, less ruffling her hair and more trying to rip it from it's roots.

>Ah' ain't never seen her that happy before. She got ta' learn 'bout her past, 'bout her kind and who she is. She finally looked... happy. She don't look happy most days. Guard's scared witless of her, most of us are normally doin' stuff and can't play with her, and... ta' be honest, none of us know what her Ma' was like.

"That's a good thing. That's a very good thing."

>Point is... she needs someone else ta' talk to, someone who gets her like she is right now. We don't know dick 'bout changelings or what ya' were. So we can't help her... but iffin' she could just talk and play with 'em fer' a little bit-
"I wasn't under the impression I was making playdates for adults now."

She rolled her eyes dramatically, all pleading long since gone.

>Well, 'scuse her fer' gettin' locked up when she was a little kid. Not her fault she didn't grow up mentally when her only companions were a bunch'a monsters.

"...Oh... oh, right, she would've been pretty young, wouldn't she? And it's not like she had a spare changeling down there to talk to..."

It was a little unsettling, watching her go from 'completely dismissive' to 'slightly thoughtful', but Applejack would take what she could get.

>That's right. And worse, she's feelin' really useless most days cause she can't figure out how ta' do her momma's techniques. She needs... look, Ah've tried ta' be there for her as much as Ah' can, and me and the others have done our best, but she needs someone who can relate ta' her a little better. Ain't never gonna take our place, but someone who could talk ta' her 'bout her powers and her past without freakin' out would be... good. Iffin' she could just...

Her hoof stamped, almost pitifully.

>...Ah' just want her ta' be happier than she's been okay? This ain't gotta change nothin' between me, or you, just... come on.

"...You realize what you're asking, right? That I let in a creature of nightmares to my Hive, that I accept one of the most frightening creatures to have ever met me face to face in alone with the few I have left. She has powers, and she will use them."

>Those dang pheromones were an accident!

"Still, her mother was a monster true and true, a beast, something who dissolved others for fun."

>She throws up if she sees a nick, let alone blood!

"...She was a scary spider thing."

>She-okay, she's still a spider thing.

Even though she had continued as expected, she had not become dismissive again, as expected.

No, strangely, she seemed more 'off' in a way Applejack couldn't understand.

"...You're sure she's harmless?"

>One. Hundred. Percent. She ain't no more harmful than a dang butterfly with a broken wing. Ah've lived with her for months on end now, and she ain't never been anything but a little kid who lost her whole childhood and now everyone's afraid of her. Chrysalis... please? Ah'm actually sayin' please, and Ah'll say it again. Please? Just... let her see she ain't so alone? We can show her we ain't afraid of her, but until more than ten ponies total don't freak out when she's in the room, she ain't never gonna do nothin' but hide in the air vents and only pop out ta' talk sometimes. She needs a real life... Please?... Please?

A hoof raised up to her chin, scratching the base of it. A single crook of a hole in her hoof scritched, and scraped, all while her eyes danced left and right in thought.

Finally, she put the hoof down.

And she smiled in the most uneasy way Applejack had ever seen.

"Hrm... perhaps I am showing a bit of weakness by being so weary around her, yes? Maybe it would be for the best if I did let her in, and showed the world I had nothing to fear... you know what? Very well. I will grant you this favor, and do as you ask. She can-"

'EEEEEEEEEEEE!'

Like a rocket, a black shape shot down from the ceiling, and clamped around her head.

And then came the screaming.

"AHHHHHHGETITOFFGETITIOFFFFFAHHHHH!"

And the flailing.

"AHHHIFEELITONMYSKULLAHHHHH!"

And the headbutting.

"HELPOHFUCKHELPGETITOFFGETAWAYFROMMYBRAINFUCKYOUBURNBURNBURNWHYISN'TTHISWORKINGAHHHHHH!"

And the lasers.

"DIEDIEDIEWHYWON'TYOUDIEEEEEEEEAHHHHHH!"

The ineffectual, wildly missing lasers.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

And Arana never stopped smiling.

'ThankyouthankyouthankyouthisissoniceIwon'thurtanybodyIpromiseI'llbereallyniceandgentleICANSEEJUGGLEJACKAGAINandI'llmakelotsofbootsiesforyouIpromisenobombscrossmyhoovesnobombs!'

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

>...Arana?

'Yeah?'

>Might wanna let her go.

'...Can I hug her a little longer?'

>...

'Awww.'

Reluctantly, she hopped down.

Less so, Chrysalis hopped up on a nearby vase stand, knocking over what was probably a priceless heirloom in the process without a care.

'...So! Thanks!'

"..."

'I uh... I dunno if you heard me, but I'll... I'll be really nice! And I won't do nothing scary! Cross my hooves! All of them!'

"..."

'...Can I go over there now? P-pleeease? I'm just... really excited!'

"..."

She let out a long, slow, sloooowww breath, and summoned up a piece of paper with magic.

After some hasty scribbling, she handed the note over, shoving it to the spiderling with magic, not daring to touch her.

"Take that to Forty Two. FORTY. TWO. Do NOT go in the hive without her, they will set fire to you. I ordered them to do that. She will make sure they don't do that."

'T-THANKS! THANK YOU SO MUCH!'

She moved slightly forwards for another hug.

But the wild, shrinking eyes of the Queen made her reconsider.

She also reached out a leg for a hoof shake, and tried not to feel disappointed when it wasn't returned.

'...Thanks! And thank you, Princess!'

This hug, however, was returned.

>Weren't nothin'. Go find that soldierbug and start havin' some fun.

'I will! Thank you! THANK YOU THANK YOU!'

With a speed unrivaled, she skittered away, giggling all the while.

>...Ya' okay?

"Fuck you."

>Ah' told 'er not ta' touch you, she just gets excited.

"Fuck. Yooooou."

>...Ya' gonna come down?

"...fuckyou."

>Alright... whelp, guess Ah' owe ya' a favor now.

"That you do... that you do... and believe you me, someday, some time... I will call on this favor, and when I do..."

>...When ya' do, what?

"Hm? Oh, uh... I guess you'll do it?"

>That it?

"Yeah... why?"

>...Yer' weird.

With that, the princess at long, long last took her leave.

"...Sorry, Caddy..."

With her magic, she lifted a bottle of some kind of cleaner from the forgotten bags.

"I need this more than you do."

Two baths and Ten bottles later, she was still chanting to herself.

"STILL NOT CLEAN! STILL NOT CLEAN!"

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>DT
"SS"
'PJ'
~~~

>So... how's your...PFFT... 'training' going?

"You can at least pretend you think it's serious."

>No no, super serious. Mega awesome bug monster dodging. That'll help when a barrage of missiles come down on you.

"That's not funny."

>I disagree!

"...Sigh."

>She is eventually going to remember she can fly, right? That those silly hook things are just plain pointless? She can FLY.

"I know she can fly."

>SHE CAN FLY!

"She knows she can fly."

>So then why is she even wasting her time?

'Because flying takes up magic. When you lived in the wild as long as I have, eehh, coming across love is pretty hard. So I got used to swinging from branches and vines so I didn't have to exhaust myself flying, and I saved on love magic with the lack of disguises, because if someone said they thought they saw a black bug monster swinging from the trees, I doubt anyone would believe them. It's a survival thing, you wouldn't understand, not ever having lived a life where your ever need wasn't catered to by 'daddy'.'

>....

'...'

>...You had better be Silver Spoon doing a pitch perfect impression, or I will be very, very mad.

FWOOSH!

'Aww, forgot I could do more than 'swing around', little princess?'

>...Arming Spud Seeker.

~ARMED!~

'Oh wow, you made a rocket just for me?'

>Engage end of earth protocol.

~ENGAGED!~

'You... you do realize your friend is right over there, right? She's right there. I didn't kidnap her or something, I just had some fun while she was getting a scone.'

>Finisher... activate.

~ACTIVATED!~

'...I think you're taking this too far.'

>Never.... ever... ever... EVER....EEEVVVEEERRRR PRETEND TO BE MY FRREEIIIIINNNDDDDDD!

'OH FUCK!'

"Hey, DT? Did you want strawberry swirl or strawberry blast?... No, I don't know the diff-WHAT THE FUCK!?"

~FIRING!~

"DT NO!"

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 >Actarius
"JJ"
~~~

"So, how's the job going?"

>Meh, it pays well enough, but he's annoying. Very demanding in what he wants. And the clients are just a pain.

"That bad?"

>Ugh. I swear they're worse than the boss, at least he just wants me to keep sending stuff his way, those guys just want me to take it and take it and take it.

"Know what that's like."

>Yeah, I guess... you know, you could always apply for this.

"Nahhhh, money isn't worth it to me. If they tried to ask me to send stuff their way, I'd just mess it up."

>You don't mind it when I send stuff to you.

"But that's you, totally different. You're different."

>...Aw.

"Besides, you just know they're going to want to play with the holes."

>Oh, yeah. But can you blame them? Your holes are fun.

"It's annoying though! "Oh wow, can you feel this? What about this? What can you fit in there?" Ugggh..."

>It doesn't bother you when I do it, right?

"Hm? Nahhh, you're fine."

>Oh. Phew.

"..."

>...

"...Does your boss always spazz out like that when we talk?"

>All the time, it's so weird.

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NC
'32'
~~~

'Want... to ask... for Threesome... BUT NOT SURE IF FUCKING....'

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