Jump 254: Transformers

Jump #254: Transformers
>Three of Swords (Sorrow): Tactless or hurtful words.
These idiots have been at war for MILLIONS OF YEARS. If they whine at me because I hurt their feelings I'll fucking melt their faces.
>Setting: Bayformers
>Identity: Scientist
>Medium Chassis (Free, Scientist)
>Science (Free, Scientist)
SCIENCE! ...fucked if I know what unique sciences Cybertronians might have. Physics?
>Overclock (900, Scientist)
Okay, this is useful. Upgrade my brain to process data twice as well, and boost it four times beyond that, if briefly? Useful.
>Master Builder (700, Scientist)
This is the most useful thing here, though. Building cybertronian technology! ...much of which has functionality duplicated elsewhere, but still useful. Maybe I'll figure out how to combine a space bridge with portal technology and go to alternate universes (not that I can't already build a stargate, but hey).
>Datatrax (600)
Zettabyte storage? Useful. Next closest thing I have is 64 exabytes, and it would take 64 of them to equal this. (Of course, a zettabyte is one billion terabytes, but you knew this.)
>Cybertronian Forge (0)
Now this is more useful. I've been needing something like this, and having it as a warehouse annex to build Cybertronian technology (or ANY technology, really, with these materials) will be of use.

Welcome to the Bayverse! Time to derail the plot. WITH NO SURVIVORS

The first bit of this jump is a matter of laying some quick groundwork. Sajuuk has been in the process of rebuilding for quite some time, and shall remain so - I've got it parked in one of the Earth-Moon lagrange points, and most of the work is being done by automated systems. I've been in no huge rush for the most part, really. Yes, this means I've torn the partially-completed work down and started over several times while I revise it, but it will be worth it. Eventually.

So aside from the important part, it's time to basically screw with literally everyone in the jump. Literally everyone. And this means I'm going to settle into a human alt form, put on a business suit, and magic up a thing. Sam Witwicky, you entered a contest online a couple months ago, and now your family has won an all-expenses-paid round-the-world trip and cash prize! But only if you LEAVE THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW. Which means you are NOT buying a car this afternoon, you are literally packing and leaving right now unless your family wants to miss out on two million dollars in cash. Because fuck you, Shia, and fuck your plot, Michael Bay. Even now my companions are scouring the planet and removing any and all Cybertronian artifacts that they can locate. Not to mention I have automated operations parked out beyond Pluto building some automated ships to deal with certain tasks. Like hunting down certain alien species.

Right. I feel better now.

From there, it's time to go to a car dealership and buy a used car! But that's okay. I'm sure I can take it home and do some mechanic work on it, it's just got a few parts out of place. I'm pretty sure said car is going to be extremely surprised when I walk into the other room, come back with parts that I should by no rights have, install it when that shouldn't even be POSSIBLE while he's transformed, and as such give Bumblebee his voice back (and remove those thin attempts at comedy), but that's just the way that goes.

After that, I do believe we're scheduled for a car chase while Bumblebee recovers from 'surgery'. And I'm okay with most of the things about that, except that I have to wear Shia's face. Also, as I have no car, it's just going to be a matter of running until I come across a Decepticon in an out of the way place. I'm pretty much okay with the police car turned Cybertronian confronting me, though I am pretty certain he won't expect me to stand there and be calm. No, there will be no car chase today.

>"Are you username LadiesMan217?"
"I certainly look like him, don't I?"
>"Where is eBay item 21153? Where are the glasses?"
"Oh, you won't be needing those, Barricade."
>"Insect, I will not ask you again! Where- how do you know my name?!"
"Did you know that the humans here have no idea what the cube even is? And that they have it a stone's throw away from Megatron? It's hilarious, really. Sit. Good boy."
>"Agh- how- what?!"
"A simple application of telekinesis. Like you, I am more than meets the eye. Unlike you, I am not enough of an idiot to fight a war for nine million years while using up every resource that I can get my rusty little claws on. Tell me, is there a single reason I should not eradicate your entire species?"
>"Release me or I will destroy you!"
"Silencio. Mm, I thought it was clear that you weren't the one with any amount of power here, my friend. Now, let me make things clear. Your species is on my shit list. It's not a very long list, and you Cybertronians just behind the Quintessons - you DO know of those squids, yes? Just nod... yes, very good. In any event, I am going to annihilate them. I assure you I have the means, and it will not be the first time I've done such. I assure you I am exceptionally efficient at eradicating such empires. Ratcheting it up to genocide is child's play in their case. ... oh, you're no fun without being able to talk. Finite incantatem. There, now you can talk again. Have you any questions?"
>"Who are you? How do you know this?"
"As I was saying, you asshats have been at war for nine million years. Nine million. This is longer than most civilizations last. This is, in fact, longer than YOUR civilization lasted, because the war has ensured that there is no civilization to speak of. Just battle grounds."
>"Damn you, who are you?"
"Oh, just someone who's had quite enough - you don't mind if I get rid of this face, do you? I prefer this one rather than... eugh, Shia. There. Better, though still human. For now."
>"What..."
"Now, I'll let you up, just don't do anything foolish like lashing out, I assure you it will end badly. You're going to get in touch with Starscream - do me a favor and stop gaping like a fish, I know FAR more than you'll ever be comfortable guessing - and tell him of this meeting. And then all of us shall go wake Megatron up, palaver, and depending on what he has to say... well. Oh, and do keep in mind that I'll be bringing the other side as well. This planet is neutral ground. Disrespect that, and I'll kill every Cybertronian on the planet, I don't care whose side they're on."
>"...what in Primus' name -are- you?"
"A puppet, dancing on the strings of beings from beyond this universe, granted a measure of their power... power enough to either restore Cybertron or annihilate it and all its children. You will understand in time. Now go."

Bumblebee had been stalking me. He saw the whole exchange. I had to stop him from leaving and explain things to him, too. Yes, Megatron is on Earth; yes, the Allspark is also here, and part of my goal was to remove it from anyone's hands; yes, we're going to meet Optimus Prime very shortly and head out to parley at Hoover Dam.

Of course, he didn't expect me to speak in his language, let alone the fact that an organic human shouldn't have been ABLE to speak in that language, and yet. A handful of hours later, I met with them, explained the situation and the neutrality-or-else policy (they thought a human threatening them was quaint, until I forcibly brought Ironhide to heel the same way as Barricade; "I would really appreciate it if you Cybertronians would stop forcing my hand," I told them, "but when I look at your behavior and I look at the Decepticons' actions, I see little difference.") and instructed them to quietly leave town and head out to meet up with the others in the location I set out, after I made sure to get their word that they would not start conflict.

When we got there, Starscream and a few others were waiting, guns drawn. And so I shed my human form and went for the form I gained in this jump.

>"What, how did it-" "I -told- you, Starscream-"
"I trust this form is more... comfortable to you. Now, allow me to explain. All of us are going to see Megatron and palaver."
>"Palaver...?"
"Parley. Negotiate. Communicate as equals on neutral ground, which I shall remind you Earth is to be considered, and attacks on humans will be considered as an attack on me. The price for breaking that peace is extremely steep. But I expect your faction wants his freedom, yes? If you want him repatriated, you will agree as your enemies have. Agreed?"
>"... very well."

And with a little bit of magic being woven, and a little fire alarm being pulled and the residents being convinced that a dangerous toxin had been released into the air, everyone fled with a less-than-surprising amount of haste (that would later get them investigated and SO many people thrown in Leavenworth). Everyone entered. There was no Allspark there - my companions had been quite active out of the spotlight and my daughters dealt with storing that thing in a painting. There was Megatron, who was thawed rapidly by a warming charm and subsequently frozen in place by myself.

"Now. Let us palaver."
>"Who dares?" "Megatron, this is-"
"Who I am is irrelevant. You Cybertronians are the most idiotic species in this galaxy and it is taking every bit of my not-inconsiderable willpower to avoid erasing you outright. I'll release you under the same terms I gave Starscream and Prime - Earth is neutral, if you break that neutrality, the price you pay will be steep, give your word to stay peaceful and you will be free to do as you wish."
>"Prime..! Hm. Very well."
"Very good. Now then, you came here for the Allspark. Bad news: it's been removed from this planet. Good news: if you're looking for raw resources, I'm willing to freely give you something that will convert other energy supplies much more efficiently than anything you've got, to provide energon. The catch: you idiots are going to sit down, bury the fucking hatchet, and end this war because nine million years of war has effectively annihilated your species to the point that it's not about why you fight, but that you fight at all. Tell me I'm wrong."
>"Freedom is the right-" "These cowards couldn't-"
"SILENCE! What is freedom when the only options are to fight for one side or fight for the other? Why equate mercy with cowardice? I'd sooner elect Starscream a leader over either of you! Ruling by fear? Claiming divine right? Both are bullshit. The job of a leader is to provide for his people, not simply use them to fight an overblown LOVER'S QUARREL!"
>"You dare! DIE!" "No-!"
"... hm. Suddenly I seem to have a hole in my core and no head. Tell me, Megatron of Tarn, are you prepared to accept the consequences of your action? After all, you swore."
>"I... what- AGH-"
"Well. It appears Megatron is an idiot, and literally everyone saw that coming. Anyone else feel like poking the ?"
>"Megatron... is now a cube. With a melted face?" "...this means, I, Starscream, am leader of the Decepticons!"
"You kind of already were."
>"S-shut up! It's not the same!"
"Right. I'll fix Megatron later, he's not actually DEAD dead, but I swear on everything that we are going to sit down and hash out your differences, end this stupid war, and rebuild your society. Anyone disagree?"
>"No." "Nope." "No." "...please don't turn me into a cube?" "Shut up, Barricade."

And that's how I browbeat everyone into ending this stupid excuse for a war and utterly derailed a movie franchise. Yes, I fixed Megatron - a SimAnt perk let me resurrect him identically, but loyal to me, which I used to fix his idiocy.

Every single plot-related Cybertronian artifact was either thrown into the sun or into a painting, to be safely stored in the warehouse. Oh, and The Fallen? He got Sajuuk's main cannon (twice) before he could play any games, because I tend to think with portals and clairvoyance is useful to point me in the right direction. There wasn't much left of him after the first blast from the main cannon, but nothing after the second. Sure, the rest of the ship is a loose framework at the moment, but the most important part of the ship works. Even if I need to add more power.

Yes, Quintessons existed in this universe. And I do say 'existed' because going full-automation SupCom manufacturing in the Oort Cloud made that a thing of the past. Plot-powered antagonist alien species are stupid and every universe is better off without them.