80s Rate

Username: yourhostandpatron

Album: Forever Your Girl: I, too, like many other people of my age, was absolutely shocked to learn that Paula Abdul had a singing career before she became an American Idol judge. Consequently, even if I’ve never watched American Idol, I’ve never listened to her music before because the idea seems just too weird. Coming back from it, though, Forever Your Girl was a delight; it’s not as musically complex or interesting as the other records in this rate, but if you’re willing to let a bit of wine and cheese into your life, nothing but good times await you when you listen to this. Paula, consider me converted.

The Way That You Love Me: 8 I can’t help but feel a little cynical when I listen to this. Of course Paula Abdul doesn’t care about the diamond rings her partner owns or the trips to Rome he takes her on. I don’t know how rich she was at this point, but as a choreographer I’m gonna assume she made coin. Paula can afford to love her significant other regardless of his massive wealth instead of alongside it; me? I’m clamoring to get a rich boyfriend. Still, I’m not one to disregard fun due to unintentional implications; as privileged as it is, this is a bop.

Knocked Out: 8.5

Opposites Attract (feat.The Wild Pair): 8 Oof, that line about cigarettes and smokes has aged particularly badly, hasn’t it? I suppose this is another case of ‘have a drink, have a drive, do whatever you like’, since...actually, this was released in 1989. I’m pretty sure we all knew smoking was bad for us by the time Taylor Swift was born. Can an American Idol judge really afford to be this bad of an example? For crying out loud! Literal fag bashing aside (I’m young, I’m edgy, let me live) this is another guilty pleasure that taps into yin and yang. It’s not as much of a gleeful pop song as Knocked Out, but I do enjoy it!

State of Attraction: 8

I Need You: 7.5

Forever Your Girl: 8.5 For some reason, next to the magnificent Straight Up, I firmly believe that Forever Your Girl’s title track is its best song as a whole; the central reason behind that is that said song is one that relies on gentle, romantic, glittery kitsch, and what is the point of listening to anything Paula Abdul ever released if not for the same set of emotions? This isn’t an amazing song, but there’s something soft and passive about it that I like; in the words of the esteemed lyricist Cory Feldman, this one brings the stars up to the moon.

Straight Up: 9.5 I mean, no, I don’t think this deserves to win over the other standout songs in this rate, but I think I finally realize just how good this truly is. As snobbish as that site is, this is Paula’s only song that’s above three stars on Rate Your Music, and it’s easy to recognize why that’s the case; that classic 80s sax (or is it a trombone?) lights up the bounciness of Straight Up and turns into a musical piece of black and white tap dancing down the street, and it’s an absolute blast to listen to despite its subject matter. If you listen to even one Paula Abdul song, this should be the one!

Next to You: 7.5

Cold Hearted: 8 Woah, is there a narrative going on here with Paula’s songs? You could say that Straight Up, Cold Hearted, and One or the Other all form a trilogy together, although thinking about that I’m not necessarily sure that all three of those are chronological. Anyway, as the middle child of said trilogy, Cold Hearted is surprisingly sleek and icy, suiting itself to its title by a tee. It’s the cutest yet the coldest (heh) that Paula ever sounds on this record; the hook is a little weird, but at the end of the day, this is pretty damn shiny.

One or the Other: 8

Album: Madonna: It’s usually embarrassing to peak with your first album ever released, although Madonna has so many gems within her discography that somebody naming this debut as her most applaudable is much less of an accidental insult. I dunno if this the best Madge has ever had to offer, but for a beginner, self-titled is unquestionably a very promising and cohesive record; not a song here isn’t backed up by a solid beat and a dose of classic and righteous pop enjoyment, which makes for an album that might as well be my go-to listen for what I regard as my favourite sounds of the 80s. A post-disco masterpiece.

Lucky Star: 9 As far as I understand, this was Madonna’s breakthrough single. Well, in that case, it certainly was her lucky star. As fascinating exploration into the disco sounds that inspired Madonna’s debut despite technically no longer being in vogue (yes, I just forced myself to make that pun) Lucky Star shines brightly enough to get you hooked on both Madge’s debut and her career as a whole; the drama and flare of it all is enough to illuminate listeners years away from its original dominance, and it’s a surprisingly overlooked classic.

Borderline: 10 Though Madonna’s debut is an impressive start to her career in general, Borderline might as very well be a cleverly disguised epic that hints at the true extent of her artistry for the very first time. Appearing to be much shorter than it actually is, Borderline has it all: an enticing conflict to set Madge’s voice up, wonderful synthetic sounds that create an impeccable production background, and a timeless chorus that would resonate with people to this day if this retained the amount of popularity it got and deserved. Madonna didn’t really top this one until Like A Prayer; even then, she still has few songs that do.

Burning Up: 8.5 Burning Up was actually a Madonna track I never really connected to until I did this rate, despite me having had listened to the record it came from billions of times. I don’t know why I didn’t love it before up until a few days ago, but now I find it to be a fascinating deep cut; that synth imitating a guitar that goes on and on through the song is a subtle rock hint that I definitely enjoy, and at the end I’d make the rather terrible pun of calling Burning Up a track with absolutely flaming energy. In other words, it’s lit! *gets shot*

I Know It: 8 Uh, can I confess something? This used to be my favourite deep cut from Madonna’s debut, which is funny, seeing as most of her fanbase kind of despises it. I do understand now why most people treat it as a filler track at best, but, to be honest, as annoying and repetitive as that hook is...it’s also amazing. It’s brash and bossy, and it’s exactly what I’ve came to expect from a Madonna song. This is excitingly fun.

Holiday: 9 Another hit Madonna single from this album that represents the good old days of the mindless, carefree, and hedonistic 80s that we all don’t know but somehow miss; proving that all songs called Holiday are destined to be absolutely brilliant (yes, that’s a shoutout, Billy Joe!), Madonna creates a disco-infused version of what would later come to rather sinisterly be know as trop pop with Holiday, making the idea of such a track a bit more palatable to all you gays out there who dreaded the advent of 2016. It’s perhaps one of Madge’s least serious songs, but the fun here is infectious; you can’t help but join in.

Think of Me: 8.5

Physical Attraction: 8

Everybody: 7 This is a very strange pick for Madonna’s very first, super official single. I remember that it had something to do with Madonna being perceived as black and shit, although that could’ve been accidental? In that case, that’s a little, er, messy, although on that’s no fault of Madge’s. Musically? Everybody is nowhere near as bad or boring as some of Madonna’s later day songs, but is a very unremarkable statement to make. There’s a reason why Lucky Star and Holiday won over it in the long run: as songs, they have more to show, and more to say. I’m not as ambivalent towards Everybody as I was before I warmed up to it during this rate, but it’s still just *okay*, unfortunately.

Album: She's So Unusual: I used to refer to She’s So Unusual as the worst album in this rate despite its significance (Jesus, I’m saying that like this has been going on for years) and even if I’m still not a fan of where it eventually ends up, I can’t...I can’t help but feel like I no longer hold that opinion. When I started assigning scores to this record and realizing just how much I liked individual songs, it became full of sparkling paradoxes. Cyndi’s voice is, for example, just so bad on a technical scale, but on the other hand, it’s perfect for the pop-polished rocker chick aesthetic she tries to go for here, and her songwriting...it’s unique, bold, and enjoyable on its own. Yes, at times, her shrieking can get unedible, but Cyndi genuinely plays for keeps on She’s So Unusual; the music critics love this one because it has some of the best written songs of this decade, period. Her career may not have lasted for a very long time, but take note of that as you will.

Money Changes Everything: 8.5 I’m not sure how wildly incorrect this opinion piece, but I think She’s So Unusual flirts with pop punk occasionally; Cyndi’s shrill voice is a dead ringer for the genre, and Money Changes Everything, which happens to be the album opener, of all things, is more distinctly rebellious and hardworn in its sound than anything else on this album. It’s the best example of Cyndi trying to go in such a direction, because later on the Kiss Yous and Yeah Yeahs of this record are going to hurt. Oh, well - enjoy while you can!

Girls Just Want to Have Fun: 9 Next to Johnny Cash’s rendition of Hurt, I honestly think that you could make a great argument for this being the best example of the power of reclamation and reinterpretation in popular music. Rob Hazard’s obscure, unreleased and ultimately forgettable version of this song was pretty damn complicit in the objectification of women, even if it did have some cool synths, but Cyndi rightfully takes what’s hers and turns it into a smashing debut with female independence as a central theme. Only mere words need to be changed in order for Girls Just Want To Have Fun to take on a new meaning; the transformation is so fantastic, it’s almost literary.

When You Were Mine: 7.5 I’ve never liked this song too much, whether it was Prince’s original or Cyndi’s most well known cover. I’m scared of that opinion being blasphemy, because I get the impression that this is an acclaimed classic from that funkadelic bass line vibrating throughout its synths made out of pop perfection, but at the same time, I also believe that both of its most famous performers speed through the song too fast for it to be a true masterpiece. That being said, this gay reinterpretation...we stan Cyndi’s cleverness!

Time After Time: 11 Okay, I can get why you all disliked this album, I used to hate it too, but I’m expecting you all to do this and Girls Just Want To Have Fun justice, and if you do not, I will continue doing rates until December just to spite you all. This is the ballad that people who hate ballads love. It’s so lush and ethereal, in starking contrast to the rock chick personality that Cyndi wears for the rest of the album, that in a way, it’s sentiment does feel as eternal as the lyric suggests. Yes, I’ve never bothered to look up the guy who’s singing along with her, but he’s irrelevant; Cyndi makes Time After Time a total delight.

She Bop: 8.5 Ah, the Animaniacs of pop music. The mother goddess of all anthems dedicated to the art of beating it. A song intentionally created to make kids think that Cyndi is singing about dancing and having a good time at some sort of fashion party that involves bellboys or whatever they are, only for them to grow up and realize that she’s actually talking about taking a nut. Yes, it is a little awkward to consider what this song is actually about when you stop and pause to consider it over its metallic thumps, but it’s still a heck lot better than any other similar song I’ve ever heard (looking at you, Hailee Steinfield). And, uh, apparently Cyndi was actually naked when she recorded this, so, er, there you go.

All Through the Night: 8.5

Witness: 6

I'll Kiss You: 6.5 This is apparently the point where most people start hating this album, maybe even more than they already do. I mean, I can’t say that I disagree, or that this is good, but there are some elements of charm here, which are mostly gotten from Cyndi rocking up the punk vibes yet again. ‘Love potion #8’, ‘Twiddledee and Twiddledum’, and her screams of ‘I’ll kiss you, I’ll kiss you, I’ll kiss you’ are all coded to make us try to like the song, but those attempts...fail, because I’ll Kiss You ultimately doesn’t come together well. Sad.

Yeah Yeah: 6

Album: Whitney Houston: To be honest, I don’t expect this to do too well in our rate, because it’s a sea of ballads and Popheads usually hates too much of those (which, to be fair, isn’t always an incorrect opinion). Even I will still admit that Whitney’s debut struggle with this, but I hope we don’t dismiss *every* song here that’s not How Will I Know; the difference between Whitney and white dredges of sentimentality is that even if her music isn’t always as soul as some would like it to be, Whitney’s performances do come from that direction. Yes, you could say her image was always slightly gentrified, but just look at the passion in Saving All My Love For You or Greatest Love of All; given her power, can you really hate Whitney? There’s still filler in this record, which is just a bit tragic, but I find it to be a solid listen.

You Give Good Love: 8.5 Maybe the softest Whitney’s ever sounded, even if she still technically belts her way through the chorus. As an introduction to the rest of the world, it’s a very fitting one; you can imagine her singing this on a terrace on a lonely night, thanks to how shimmering it all sounds. If this was another singer, maybe those sentences I just wrote would have been a way for me to call this song fake, but come on, Whitney is good.

Thinking About You: 7.5 The one thing Thinking About You has going for it is that there’s a somewhat interesting pallet of colors Whitney uses here that paints a good mural of youthful longing and lust, although technically she does it way better when she starts singing Someone For Me. I am also not sure if that’s an uncredited Jermaine Jackson singing along with her, but if it is, this is the least irritating he’s ever sounded. Aside from that, though, this isn’t really a remarkable follow-up to You Give Good Love as an opener; a shame, really.

Someone for Me: 9 This got a music video for some reason, even if it technically was never a single. I can’t imagine why it wasn’t. I’m seventeen now, and with all due respect to Sharon Van Etten, this is perhaps the most fantastic song about being that age that I’ve ever listened to. Does it suit my experiences? No, because I’m a lonely bitch, but the kind of romantic feelings here that cross a border in between being innocent and being sensually mature...they’re very acute, and the song being a bop makes it all the more worthwhile.

Saving All My Love for You: 10 This used to be my favourite song of all time, and, to be honest, it might still be. Like, holy shit, have you ever seen somebody as young as Whitney was back when she sang this give a performance as intense as this one? I’m not talking about Voice Kids shit, fellas. I’m talking about this woman right here who’s belting her heart right out in what’s probably the most soul-adjacent thing she ever recorded. The themes built in Someone For Me just reach their climax here as Whitney sings over an incredibly romantic backing track, and it’s just too much for me not to give this a ten. Y’all better not do this dirty; it’s an incredibly underrated debut single.

Nobody Loves You Like I Do (with Jermaine Jackson): 5 I will not waste any opportunity to roast Jermaine Jackson as I review this album. Tell me, does anybody here want to be loved by somebody who resembles Jermaine Jackson? Does anybody want to associate the name Jermaine with the Jackson family member instead of Jake’s brother from Adventure Time? Considering some of the stuff his family members get up to...sheesh! This is the first undeniable filler ballad on this album, and it’s tiring. Never ever fail to press forward.

How Will I Know: 10 Those drum machines might be just a touch too dated; but in my hearts of hearts I hope this wins; this is the quintessential early Whitney Houston song that’s not named ‘I Wanna Dance With Somebody’, and, indeed, even though How Will I Know can seem like a mere precursor to the formerly mentioned song thanks to its joyous, euphoric beat and its unapologetic 80s, it plays off the freshness of Whitney’s first era to be undeniably amazing; this might be a prequel, but it’s undeniably a fantastic one.

All at Once: 6.5 I can’t make up my mind if this reaches the criteria for being considered filler or not; I tend to lean towards saying no, simply because it means that a good half of Whitney’s debut would count as filler, but, to be fair, there are other reasons to claim that it isn’t. Whitney’s lower register here is gorgeous, and it gives All At Once a sense of gravitas that it wouldn’t otherwise have; unfortunately, however, the rest of the ballad isn’t as stunning.

Take Good Care of My Heart (with Jermaine Jackson): 6 Jermaine is on another song, his last one, and thankfully enough, he’s actually bearable on it. Well, okay, I would have preferred literally any other male vocalist as opposed to his presence, but even if Take Good Care of my Heart is still Jackson infested filler, it’s at least mildly enjoyable; it has the best hook out of all the unnecessary ballads on this debut, so it can stay or go.

Greatest Love of All: 10 Can I share something that makes me mad?! I grew up in a borderline fundamentalist church, and when Whitney Houston died, people brought up how the Greatest Love of All was a ‘bad’ song because the greatest love at all wasn’t supposed to be learning how to love yourself, and, holy shit, that was super ridiculous and disrespectful. I still can’t believe people said shit like that. God forbid that a black woman in the 80s sing about loving herself, and I’m saying this as a guy who’s not really fond of Western individualism. This is a powerful song when you apply historical context, although it’s only more heartbreaking within the background of Whitney’s life; her statement is clear and powerful here, and it’s amazing that she managed to sound so formidable this young. Truly, the children were our future in the 80s. They might not be now, considering the Tide Pods.

Hold Me (with Teddy Pendergrass): 5 I was originally going to be a bit mean towards this song, but I did a Google search to look up who Teddy Pendergrass was, and, wow, him still making it through the music business despite ending up paralyzed halfway through his career was some really comforting stuff. This duet is admittedly a bit too bland for my tastes, but two wonderful people are singing this; I’ll let it slide for now.

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