i cant wait til the summer
everythings been so shit recently
only thing that's been going "good" is that school is easy but on the flip side i never get challenged ig
on the other side for summer, i also was in the shits during the summer however also had a great time
but next year im gonna be working and cant chill with friends
everyone keeps saying it'll get better but it isn't getting better its just getting worse
and i already know what you're gonna tell me about me telling you this
and sorry if you didn't wanna hear it or me kinda overloaded you with shit but i've been fucking bottling up everything for the last few weeks and its just so shit not telling anyone
i don't tell anyone shit because they're either too busy to listen, or i dont want to tell people because i really don't want people to worry about me or feel bad or sad
i just wanna make sure people are happy
i always check in with my friends and ask if they had a good day and make sure they're doing well
and honestly i just think i do that because im feeling so shit that i just want people to not be like me
i dont want my friends to be a fucking super depressed lonely dude who sits at home all day and plays the same game he's played for 6 years, the one who doesn't do anything at school or plays any sports
but thats not hard as my best friends are literally the polar opposites of me and all my other friends are kinda the opposite of me
especially my best friends are the opposite of me, they're all smart, social, good looking, strong, actually does shit with their lives
and i dont really tell anyone because i dont want to offend anyone but im kinda jealous of my best friends
like for example noah's been going out and doing a ton of shit, yesterday he hung out with his girlfriend all day and then today he went to homecoming today and is now at a party
the last time i hung out with friends was with you guys, and before that with you guys again
i've never had the fucking generic experience of just chilling hanging out with friends
and i tried to put in effort to make friends but it's super hard to make friends at school
everyone already has friend groups and does different stuff, and i dont want to sound racist but theres most of the kids in my school are hispanic or black, and the school culture is ghetto and i'm a nerdy white kid who reads and plays video games, i dont exactly fit in
and the school culture is ironic because it's a tech school
but yeah i've tried to put in effort and make friends at school but it's hard and pointless and literally i've joked about it for a few years but i deadass kinda want to go to your guys' school simply because i actually would have friends there
i know you guys, i know nick, i know noah, i know a few other peeps
i would be able to easily and actively do shit with my friends and actually see them
but i know that will never happen
and i've kinda just been riding out school so far having a really bad time
like the classes are really easy for the most part
i have no friends
and most of the kids are really annoying and talk a ton and are overall just cunts
the teachers are great at least
but still
it would be so much better if i had a few actual friends like i have with you guys
and honestly i kinda hate my life right now for those reasons
i know there isn't anything completely wrong with staying home playing video games a ton but i see everyone else being productive or social and just kinda get jealous
i've been trying to use snap less because i always see people hanging out with their friends because not including nick i hang out with my friends maybe three or four times a year max, so i get super jealous just seeing people hanging out with their friends
and like i said i dont wanna say i hate my life but its just that i feel so fucking boring and useless and lonely literally like every day
and i feel like every day is a bad day even if nothing bad happened because its just hard for me to genuinely feel happy
like when something good happens im kinda happy and excited for a bit but it wears off super quickly and i dont feel like im genuinely happy
and the overall thing is i feel like all this shit is my fault
i should try to make a difference and fix this shit but i just can't
for a lot of shit i can't even find basic motivation to do anymore
in all honesty my eating problems aren't completely from my meds, just eventually i lose the motivation to eat food during a meal even if im still hungry
and i guess the good part is that i wont ever do shit to myself for feeling depressed or blaming myself
i wont cut and i wont drink or i wont do any other bad shit
but the alternative is sitting there with all this shit constantly going around my head
i'm too much of a pussy to do any bad shit to myself
also since my main thing is making sure other people are happy if i did anything to myself it would just make people sad and i dont want to do that
and i know that's kinda stupid i guess this mindset because in all honesty i dont really care about myself, i just try to make others happy
i dont want to sound like some egotistical selfless prick but it's kinda true
i ask people how their day was and check in and make sure they're doing good all the time because no one ever did it to me and it would've made me so much happier, so i just wanna make sure my friends are happy
the way i treat people is the way i've wanted to be treated
because i try and make them happy
and i'm sorry if i kinda made you feel bad or sad or whatever from telling you all this, but i really needed to tell someone because i've been keeping all this shit in my head for the past few weeks (and for a few months) and i just really needed to tell someone and i just couldnt fucking hold it in anymore and just needed someone to know or for me to get it off my chest to someone
but yeah i just don't know what to do
you already know my reasons for not telling anyone or going to a therapist
dont trust any adults, trust my friends more
all this shit especially as it gets worse and worse would just be hard on my mom
especially since the shit with my sister has been getting worse and worse
and i dont want to just stack this on top of that
i'm kinda hoping just to ride it out til college and hope things will change there but that's a retarded mindset because i'm just gonna be having bad days and be super depressed for by that point like 7 years and i just want everything to fucking change
i just want a point in my life where im consistently happy
where im hanging out with friends at least once a month or every other month
a point where im not at home playing video games all day every day
but i dont know what to do to get to that point
and also i dont really have the motivation to do it
and in that sense i just mean i cant bring myself to do it
i dont know why
might just be mega anxiety
but yeah im going to head to bed now i've been typing this shit for 40 mins and once again im really sorry if i did something bad by telling you this or whatever but i really needed to tell someone, i cant have this shit in my head for weeks or months or i feel like im just gonna isolate myself even more
tl;dr everything is getting worse and worse and i just don't know what to do anymore