Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time: The Movie

ASBusinessMagnet Jun 3rd, 2011 235 Never
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  1. Cinematronics Celebrations presents
  2. an Aperture Laboratories production
  3. a Pie Factory film
  4. "Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time" (3110 X 26)
  5. feat. Alésia Glidewell
  6. - Stephen Merchant
  7. - J.K. Simmons
  8. - Steven Brown
  9. - Jeremy Barbe
  10. - Contine Overseer
  11. - Michelle Forbes
  12. - Ellen McLain
  13. - Lucy Squires
  14. - Andrea Wicklund / Scott Klintworth
  15. Produced by Gabe Newell XLIX
  16. Screenplay by Erik Wolpaw and Jay Pinkerton
  17. Directed by Joshua Weier
  18. Music by Mike Morasky and Jonathan Coulton
  19. Art director Jeremy Bennett and Randy Lundeen
  20. Casting by Bill van Burren
  21. Based on the novel by Mindaugas Narušis "Aperture Science Business Magnet" (1996 IV 30 - 2028 I 7 -> 2999 I 1 - 3043 IX 27)
  22. In turn based on the game by Valve Software (1998 XI 17 - 2012 XII 21)
  24. *~*~*~
  26. Part One: The Courtesy Fall
  28. [The "2107" Business Magnet wakes up in his room]
  29. AS Announcer: Good morning. You have been in suspension for nine nine nine... nine nine ni- This courtesy call is to inform you that all test subjects should immediately vacate [FADES OUT]
  30. Wheatley: Hello? Anyone in there? Helloooo? Are you going to open the door? At any time?
  31. The 2107 Business Magnet: Kas - drįsta - trukdyt - man - po - šimto - METŲ!!! [Translation: Who - dares - disturb - me - after - a hundred - YEARS!!!]
  32. Wheatley: YES! I KNEW someone was alive in here!
  33. The 2107 Business Magnet: Tylėk! [Translation: Shut up!]
  34. Wheatley: [to self] Hm. Could be Spanish, could be Spanish. [loud again] Hola, amigo! Abre la puerta! Donde esta--
  35. The 2107 Business Magnet: NE. JEIGU KĄ, ČIA LIETUVIŠKAI. [Translation: NO. IF ANYTHING, IT'S LITHUANIAN.]
  36. Wheatley: Okay, you know what? That's close enough. Just hold tight.
  37. The 2107 Business Magnet: Gerai, nori savo kalbos, duosiu tavo kalbą. [Translation: Okay, you want your language, I'll give you your language.] [Turns pages of Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time] "I'd say no, but you're pretty cute, so yes." Neįsivaizduoju, ką tas "cute" reiškia, bet tu toks nesi. [Translation: I can't imagine what that "cute" means but you are not like that.]
  38. Wheatley: Okay, look, the point is, we're gonna break out of here! Very soon, I promise, I promise!
  39. [Telephone ringing]
  40. [Wheatley answers, camera switches to Chell in Portal 2-styled Portal 1 Relaxation Vault]
  41. Wheatley: Hold on, someone's calling me. Oh, hi, /Chell/, how are you? Are you breaking out- of course you are breaking out, but have you made any progress?
  42. Chell: I wish I weren't talking to you.
  43. Wheatley: Hello? Chell? /Megido/?
  44. [Telephone hangs up]
  45. Wheatley: Well, back to you, um... name name name... I don't know your name.
  46. The 2107 Business Magnet: GAL AŠ NEŽINAU TAVO KALBOS. [Translation: MAYBE I DON'T KNOW YOUR LANGUAGE.] [Turns pages again] "But Chell – even though she had to do it because of Wheatley – took the wrong way."
  47. Wheatley: Did I hear you say my name? Just say yes.
  48. The 2107 Business Magnet: Taip. Ir? [Translation: Yes. And?]
  50. (...)
  52. *~*~*~
  54. Part Two: The Contine Overseer
  56. [Camera switches to reveal 0ver5e3r in her room]
  57. 0ver5e3r: I've been thinking. When life gives you eggs? Don't make pie! Make life take the eggs back! Be sure to smash every single one right to his mouth and MAKE him put GLaDOS back right into her body! Almost like, I don't want your damn eggs! What in the name of Android Hell I am supposed to do with these? Make life rue the day it thought it could give Denis Grant eggs! Steal the combustible lemons from Aperture Science, mix them together with life's eggs and stuff them right onto his house so it burns down as fast as possible!
  58. The point is, if we can store a test chamber's replica on a Blu-ray Disc, why can't we store a test subject supposed to solve it on one? So I've got the Development Centre employees figuring that out. 3D Mapping, Virtual Reality, we were working on it a hundred years ago. Now I'm going to say this and I'm going to say it on a tape so that everyone in the outside hears it a thousand times a day:
  59. [Camera switches to Development Centre's outside]
  60. 0ver5e3r: If all of my test subjects die before I can pour them into a computer, I want Chell to go through them. Now she'll say she can't. She's pissed off like that. But you make her! Hell, put her into their computer, I don't care.
  61. [Shuts down]
  62. Chell: Of course I don't want to! I've already solved a hundred of these tests and people want to torture me some more? No. Way.
  63. [Pause]
  64. Chell: But I'm out of options here.
  65. [Walking through the notably empty and abandoned Development Center, Chell is suddenly greeted by Contine Overseer]
  67. (...)
  69. *~*~*~
  71. Part Three: The Rattmann Den Guy
  73. *~*~*~
  75. Part Four: The Eternal Awakening
  77. *~*~*~
  79. Part Five: The Electronic Blue Portals (and Portal 2: The Fake Community-Made)
  81. *~*~*~
  83. Part Six: The Best Stories' Birth
  85. *~*~*~
  87. Part Seven: The Weird Robot Shit
  89. *~*~*~
  91. Part Eight: The Millennium-Long Story
  93. *~*~*~
  95. Intermission I: I'll Own You, Valve
  97. [Camera switches to Valve Software skyscraper]
  99. (...)
  101. *~*~*~
  103. Part Nine: The Fan Fiction Application
  105. *~*~*~
  107. Part Ten: The GLaDOS's Prelude ["ASCAIS's" is handwritten on top of "GLaDOS's"]
  109. Chell and Doug: "Portal: Prelude, as its name states it, is an unofficial prequel to the game Portal."
  110. Michelle Sleeper: Its story revolves around the pre-GLaDOS epoch, even before she was plugged in. At this time, test subjects were monitored by real Aperture Science employees, whose work was tedious, lengthy and repetitive.
  111. Nickworks: This is why they decided to build a great artificial intelligence that could both replace them in these difficult tasks, but also take responsibility for many other tasks within the facility and compete with Black Mesa's superiority.
  112. NykO18: All employees of the Aperture Science complex are now eagerly awaiting GLaDOS. Maybe even a little too eagerly, as the upcoming events will tell...
  113. The 3003 Business Magnet: Ahem. Alternian Trolltal: Prelude oops wrong galaxy.
  115. *~*~*~
  117. Part Eleven: The Convention Goes Crazy
  119. *~*~*~
  121. Part Twelve: The GL@DDA Magnet II
  123. *~*~*~
  125. Part Thirteen: The Party Escort Submission Position
  127. *~*~*~
  129. Part Fourteen: The Staying Inside (And Never Returning)
  131. *~*~*~
  133. Part Fifteen: The Incipispheran Fellow
  135. *~*~*~
  137. Part Sixteen: The Judith Mossman
  139. *~*~*~
  141. Part Seventeen: The Combine Takeover
  143. *~*~*~
  145. Intermission II: Someone Is Getting Control of This
  147. GLaDOS: I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time.
  148. The 2128 Business Magnet: Yeah I brought something stronger than a portal gun this time, AND? [Shoots first the glass, shattering it, then GLaDOS, effectively shutting her off]
  150. (...)
  152. *~*~*~
  154. Part Eighteen: The Aperture Science Golden Age
  156. [This part is Chell and PotatOS going through the "old" Aperture Laboratories from 3000s-3040s, when the 3007 Business Magnet was "still alive"]
  158. (...)
  160. [This portrait is found throughout the story: ]
  162. PotatOS: Those people, in the portrait. They-
  163. The 3007 Business Magnet: Don't look familiar at all.
  164. GL@DDA Magnet: Who are you talking to?
  165. The 3007 Business Magnet: Remember? I'm a magician. Ever read Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time?
  166. GL@DDA Magnet: No?
  167. The 3007 Business Magnet: NO? SERIOUSLY? IN THE NAME OF ANDROID HELL?
  169. (...)
  171. The 3007 Business Magnet: Say goodbye, GL@DDA Magnet.
  172. GL@DDA Magnet: "Goodbye, Caroline."
  173. The 3007 Business Magnet: Wait I didn't tell you- Hey! Android! Get that picture down!
  175. (...)
  177. Numbuh400: Invader GLaDOS took over the world and killed the Aperture Science Business Magnet after Blue Portals.
  178. obviously something: The only other time she had felt so good was... well, never.
  179. The 3007 Business Magnet: This is THE worst coincidence OF ALL TIME.
  181. (...)
  183. *~*~*~
  185. Part Nineteen: The Wheatley's Evilness
  187. *~*~*~
  189. Part Twenty: The Incipispheran Fellow, Take Two
  191. *~*~*~
  193. Chell and PotatOS simultaneously: Oh. So this is the chapter where he tears my arms off.
  194. The 3007 Business Magnet: Hello! This is the chapter where I tear your arms off!
  196. Part Twenty-One: The Chapter Where... ["He Tears Her Arms Off" is handwritten after the "..."]
  198. (...)
  200. [The 3007 Business Magnet jumps over to catch Chell, but she portals out before he can get close to her. Just as he portals out, Wheatley activates his death trap]
  201. [The following dialogue happens while the Business Magnet is chasing after Chell in the course identical to one in Portal 2]
  202. Wheatley: Oh, that's good. For me. Well, back to killing the entire bloody human race.
  203. The 3007 Business Magnet: Not so soon, Wheatley. First, nine hundred years in a civilization fall down. Millennium four: Aperture Science and Black Mesa fighting. Then ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND years suffering in an ice age caused by the global warming. THEN the human race will possibly crumble.
  204. Wheatley: Well, it will crumble anyway. My question really is, can it crumble any faste- of course it can crumble faste-
  205. The 3007 Business Magnet: No!
  206. Wheatley: Oh yes, yes it can. You just haven't seen it do so.
  207. The 3007 Business Magnet: I have seen it NOT do so, goddammit!
  208. Wheatley: You just don't need to-
  209. The 3007 Business Magnet: You total moron!
  210. Wheatley: I am NOT! A MORON!
  211. The 3007 Business Magnet: If you can't figure out what will happen next you might as well be!
  212. Wheatley: No! Never!
  213. The 3007 Business Magnet: Okay, let's take it calmly. If you are not a moron, then you would have chased Chell instead!
  214. Wheatley: Oh. Yeah. Her. [Smashes a random spike plate] HAHA! IN YOUR FACE! I GOT YO- nope.
  216. (...)
  218. Wheatley: Finally a nemesis worthy of my vast intellect. Aperture Science vs. Black Mesa. Blue Portals Center versus Mashy-spike-plate!
  219. [The "mashy spike plate" destroys the wall and goes through the world portal to the BPDC]
  220. 0ver5e3r: Oh so now Aperture Science actually GAVE us stuff friendly. [Takes the plate with an advanced robotic arm and smashes Wheatley's monitor]
  222. *~*~*~
  224. Part Twenty-Two: The Second Awesome Credit Song
  226. [Empress Contine sings, with the Business Magnet acting as the pianist]
  228. Well here we are again
  229. It's always such a pleasure
  230. Remember my great immortality?
  231. Oh how we cried and cried
  232. Except I'm evil-laughing
  233. Under the circumstances you all will be dead
  235. You've got tremendous test courses
  236. That's what I'm counting on
  237. I used to want you gone
  238. but
  239. Now I only want you dead
  241. (...)
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