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- "The other day I was home alone, right, in my apartment. And well yeah it was all fine and stuff, so I was sitting in my apartment and I thought, you know, I'm home alone, it's my apartment, I can do what I want. So I took off my clothes. Then I walked naked through my house, and it was all okay and stuff. And then I was feeling my body, you know my body, I can do what I want and it was all okay. And then in the corner of the room I saw.. small pants! Very small pants, and well they're not mine, I don't have small pants like that. It were the pants of my girlfriend. So uh yeah I was looking at these pants and you know what you do when you're naked and home alone. I was looking at these pants and suddenly I decided to get it! So I run to the little pants. Then I grab the pants, hold it in my one hand, and then I hold it in my other hand! And then I think, it's my apartment, I'm home alone, so I put on the pants. And it was very weird, and some hairs were like 'I'm not getting in there' and I was like 'yes you are!' so I pushed those in the pants too! And then I was standing there in the pants in my apartment. At home I have this big mirror right so I stood in front of the mirror and then I pulled the small pants very tight between my buttcrack. But hey take note, TIGHT. Because well otherwise it'd make no sense. And I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought 'Jesus Hans. What the fuck are you doing?' But then I looked again and thought 'Well, well Hans, actually you are a pretty hot tiger!' is what I thought, mmm. Well then I was done with the small pants, ripped them off threw them away. And then on the table I saw a Mars! A Mars! So I ran for it! And I look at this Mars, and I thought 'I'm naked so you too!' So I rip the paper off and I think 'Now it's between you and me, Mars, Mars.' So I grab the Mars with my sweaty hands, and it starts to melt a little, and I start squeezing it in my hand and I feel the caramel between my fingers. Then I went back to the mirror and THERRRRE WE GO. *rubs imaginary Mars between buttcrack* And I think NICE, now it's time to call my mom. So I call my mom, and I say 'Mom, you would never guess what I have between my buttcheeks!' So she starts guessing 'Uh I don't know, Bounty, Nuts, M&M's..' 'Why the fuck would I put M&M's in my ass mom what are you thinking?!' 'Well, what is it then?' I say 'A Mars!' She says 'Well boy, if that's what you enjoy, you should definitely
- do that!' And that's my mom, great woman! My dad is completely different, very sweet man, but very different. The other day I was visiting him in his apartment. And I thought, God, that's my dad, we know each other ya know. So I took off my clothes, strolled through his house on all fours shouting 'I'm a swine! I'm a swine!' And then my dad was like 'Yeah.. I don't really feel like it.' He's just a different type of person ya know, different type."
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