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- WTF i get caught jacking off all the time
- i'm not unlucky, its just standard probability. i beat off alot. seriously, i beat off like if i keep doing it,
- i'm gonna win something. its only natural people will stumble in eventually
- FOR EXAMPLE
- so i'm on this direct flight from claremont (my college town) back to kansas city (my home town) for winter
- break. since its a direct 3 hour flight, its too short for them to have "in flight entertainment," but its so
- long that i'm gonna be bored out of my god damn mind. so, of course, i'm like "i guess i'm beating off like 5
- times during this flight."
- its one of those small sized slingshot airplanes that goes really fast but is really unstable and has one tiny
- ass cramped aisle. so i'm sitting in my anorexic bucket seat w/ my shitty peanuts waiting for the plane to hit
- a high enough altitude when i finally hear: *ding* "this is your captain speaking, we have reached a cruising
- altitude of 30,000 feet, you are now free to move about the cabin." "bink success!" i think to myself, "the
- time is right." of course i don't rush to the bathroom, no need for that. why not give myself a little tease. i
- gently, slowly unbuckle my seatbelt. I stand up, and stretch a little bit. I take a nice slow, leisurely walk
- to the bathroom at the back of the plane. masturbation this good deserves foreplay of its own.
- i get to the bathroom, close the door, and sliiiiiide my pants on down and start working myself. oh holy LORD
- it's amazing. i mean, i don't know if you know this or not, but i am REALLY good at masturbating. I'm in a 2
- square foot, dimly lit bathroom, but i feel so good my back is arching and my foot is cramping and i'm nearly
- ready to start screaming my own name.
- then suddenly, TURBULENCE. AGH SHIT. I HATE turbulence. It's not that it makes me feel sick or nauseated.
- turbulence makes me feel like i'm about to die. So i'm trying to jack off, and suddenly the jerk in the plane
- floods my body w/ adrenaline and i grab the handle in the bathroom and i'm like "OH SHIT."
- do you know how hard it is to cum when you feel like you're about to die??? I mean seriously, imagine jacking
- off while there's a guy w/ a loaded gun to your head and he's screaming "C'MON CUM YOU PUSSY, DO IT CUM." You'd
- be shivering w/ eyes closed, tears streaming down your face as you sputter through little snot bubbles just
- BEGGING your dick to come. "please cum!!!" you'd weep "i wanna cum soooo bad!!!!!"
- so there i am trying to think of every dirty thing possible so i can finally orgasm, but all that's going
- through my mind is "god i need to reconcile with my dad and tell my brother i love him" etc etc and while i'm
- distracted in a mess of standard pre-death thoughts, i don't realize that i'm about to cum.
- HOLY FUCK i say as i fumble and try to grab some kleenex from the box on the counter. however, in my stuttered
- panic, i just knock the kleenex box over, hit the "stewardess help button," and i cum directly onto the floor.
- still in a state of panic i'm like FUCKFUCKFUCK I NEED TO TURN THIS BUTTON OFF so of course i (geniusly) press
- it like 5 more times trying to turn this off. Naturally, the button just goes *ding ding ding ding*, making my
- situation seem all the more urgent, and i can hear the stewardess rushing to the door since i appear to be in
- desperate need of help.
- "FOCUS SEAN FOCUS," i think, "I NEED TO HIDE MY DICK." so, (this is genius) i pick up the kleenex box from the
- floor, pull out 5 pieces of tissue, and i just lay them on top of my erection... so it looks kinda like a
- little dick tent. so, the stewardess, responding to my urgent spams of the "stewardess help button" proceeds to
- open the bathroom door just like i knew she was going to. She looks on the ground to see my epic protein stain,
- looks up at my glorious dicktent, and then you know what happens?? we make eye contact.
- so she's looking at me, and i'm looking at her and in general i dislike awkward silences. however, this was an
- all KINDS of awkward silence, so i figured it was necessary to say something. so, i did the best i could. i
- look her right in the eye and say "... it is what it is..."
- ???? why did i say that???? what a stupid thing to say... well... i guess it's hard in that situation to "play
- it off cool." i can't be like "hey i know smoking isn't allowed on the plane, so do you have a stick of gum??"
- so she shuts the door, and i clean myself up and spend another 3 minutes trying to clean up the mass of cum on
- the floor. even though i did a pretty good job, its damn hard to get that shine out of the laminate flooring.
- i'm finally done, so i open up the bathroom door to see a line of 10 or so people that's been building up since
- i went into the bathroom like 20 minutes ago (again, it took my a while since its difficult to cum when you
- think you're about to die). I get to look across the line of all of em, and say the only sensible thing i can
- think of:
- "for those of you going to use the bathroom, i'd make sure you're wearing shoes."
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