I'm not on the ball, nor am I even in the same room as one

I skip to my lou down the hallway to start teaching today. For some reason I feel great! Like, receiving a blowjob from God after snorting a giant pile of cocaine great! There's nothing these dumb little kids can do to ruin my stride!

I stop near a window and wave towards the sun. It waves back at me before chasing after a fat plumber with an overly angry face.

After happily greeting everyone I passed, I kick open my class' door and strike a pose after ripping my shirt off like a stripper uniform.

"Everyone, I hope you're bodies are ready-" I try to greet my class in the same way I do every Monday, but stop partway through upon noticing an unfamiliar person in my chair. It's a woman with very pale skin, glasses, short whitish-grey hair, and she smells of dust and mold.
I walk up to my desk in an intimidating manner and deepen my voice, "Who are you, and what are you doing at my desk?"

"I'm Jo, a Lich, and the new Chemistry teacher." The girl says matter-of-factly while adjusting her glasses with her middle finger.

"But I'M the Chemistry teacher!" I flail and gesture my arms faster than a race car driver on speed.

"Not anymore, you have been fired."

Time comes to a still as her words register in my mind. Fired? I've been FIRED?! Oh god, how could this get any worse?

Lou suddenly appears next to me as time resumes, "I've got cancer."

My daughter Clara slithers from behind me while rubbing her belly, "Good news, Dad! I'm pregnant with a black gangbanger's kids!"

Sarah walks into the room with two police officers, "That's him! That's the man who molested me a-and...sold me heroine!"

?!

A manticore and Cheshire cat spontaneously combust, resulting in the entire room catching on fire. Everyone else runs, but I stand there and laugh as loud as I can while watching the room burn down with my blank eyes. Before long the flames engulf me as well, but I continue to laugh.

!!

"AH!" I rise up from my bed in a cold sweat. Was it just a dream? It must have been, since I'm in bed.

"Are you alright? Did something happen?" Clara slither into my room while brandishing a metal bat.

I gesture my daughter to put down the bat, "I'm fine, just a bad dream."

"If you're having trouble with bad dreams then I could sleep with you tonight."

I nod my head left to right, "No thanks. Not only am I too old for that, you're too clingy."

....

Wait, now that I look closely at her face, I notice something around her mouth.

I cross my arms and glare at the Ryu with the intensity of a laser beam, "Clara, have you been maple syrup AGAIN?"

"N-no!" She quickly turns around and licks away any evidence with her tongue.