[Miki] A Dream

A Dream


I squint my eyes and stretch my arms, coming out of a fresh bout of horrible sleep.

Reaching up, I wipe the remains of slumber away, looking out the window of the train as it continues to rattle along it's restricted path.

Shit, what time is it?

I twist my head in multiple directions before finally locating a clock, the red LED blinking out a solid 11:39 PM.

On a Sunday.

In the middle of winter.

I shrug any bit of self doubt from my head, though some thoughts continue to linger.

How will he react to me showing up at his house in the middle of the night?

Why am I heading to move in literally four days before the date we agreed on?

Why am I such a selfish bitch and only caring about what I want?

I shake my head from side to side, tapping my stump against my head in an attempt to knock these negative ideas from my overworked brain. I hurried and studied hard to finish my finals as quickly as possible today, certainly proving myself wrong about how motivated I can get myself to be.

He agreed that any day Wednesday or after would be fine for me to move in to his little apartment in town, not to far from the campus of his university.

Problem is, it's Sunday, and here I am taking a three hour ride south from the location of my old and temporary home.

I guess I've gotten a bit... greedy, maybe? I mean, I literally just threw out everything we had planned and talked about for months because of my own problems.

The nightmares and horrible phantom limb pains, the accident replaying in my head over and over again...

Whenever I'm alone, they're constant. They just relentlessly assault my mind with no sign of ever letting up. It's almost more frustrating at this point than it is scary, having the same scene rewinding on a nightly basis and getting to the point where I have almost have every little detail drilled into my mind.
I can picture it all of the time at this point.

It's like I have a picture of it from the outside looking in.

Regardless, what I'm trying to get at is this: he still doesn't have a clue that I've been having these issues.

I've called him, bawling and panicking at three in the morning a couple of times. In my own attempt to save some face, to make myself seem like I'm a stronger girl - rather woman - than I actually am...

Maybe, just maybe, I've actually hurt myself more than made some progress.

I don't know what I'm going to say to him when he answers his door. He still has two or three finals to get out of the way before we can both enjoy our time off before we graduate. I'm going to feel awfully bad waking him up at this time at night, but I'm in desperate need to be with him.

When I'm with him, the nightmares and pain all seem to fade away.

I spent a week off of school with him once, and while the first night was still terrible, he managed to comfort me and ease the pain in a time of suffering.

I remember that night like it had just happened yesterday, same old things going down: me waking up from the replay of the accident, my wrist feeling as if it's getting clawed and torn apart by some primal beast.

I managed to wake him up. I mean, he should have considering I was basically screaming and crying my eyes out. He flicked the light on and just wrapped his arms around me, shushing me and trying to ward off the agony that I face on a nightly basis while I'm alone...

It worked.

I don't know if it was fucking magic or what, but I can say that it absolutely worked.

On average, the fits last about ten to fifteen minutes, but with him there, holding onto me tight... I don't even think it lasted five minutes. Not to mention, until I returned back to campus a week later, the nightmares stayed away and actually gave way to some of the best sleep I've had in over four years.

I blush thinking back on his words.

I wanted to explain so badly, right then and there, but as I went to do just that, he silenced me with a simple index finger being touched to my lips.

'Not now, Miki. Wait until the morning, or another time when you're actually more comfortable.'

After my initial impulse, I managed to get myself to the point where I didn't want to talk about it with him. As much as I love him and trust him with my life, I couldn't tell him something so simple...

Over the intercom, the conductor speaks up as the train begins to come to a complete stop.

Well, I'm going to tell him tonight.

I have to tell him, otherwise he'll probably be mad at me for showing up before I was supposed too.

I stand up and grab bags; just one small, wheeled suitcase and a gym bag. Stretching my arms and legs, I step out of the car and onto the platform, immediately getting attacked by the freezing night air.

I rub my hands - er, hand and stump - against my shoulders to try and force some warmth into me, but to no avail. My mind and heart seem to be fighting over which should be more nervous, as I certainly can't tell which is racing faster.

I walk my way out of the platform area and through a pair of gates that leave me on a sidewalk in town, my footsteps tempo getting awfully close to a light jog as I hurry along my way.

Only about a two minute walk until I get to his place, and yet I still don't have a single clue as to how I'm going explain myself. A couple of comical lines filter through my mind, but at this point, nothing seems funny anymore.

Rather, for the time being, I'm completely serious.

I don't think I like being too serious. Definitely not something I plan on turning into a permanent trait of mine.

Seconds continue to tick by as I round the last corner on my short journey to his place. Finally within view, I've decided I'll just sort of wing it with whatever feels natural.

A set of stairs down and now I'm here, standing in front of Hisao's door.

I can feel my muscles shaking as my nerves begin to fail me, my hand creeping up towards the door as it closes into a fist. Before I can even try to talk myself out of what I'm doing, I'm banging my hand against the door as hard and loud as possible.

I reach into my pocket and pull my phone out for a split second, checking the time.

Almost midnight.

This boy is going to be absolutely thrilled to see me.

Before I can even laugh it off, I can hear locks being undone and the doorknob being twisted open.

In front of me stands a boy - I guess I should call him a man at this point - rubbing his eyes and struggling to keep himself standing on his own two feet.

"Excuse me, but it's freaking midnight. Can I please ask what you want?"

Yeah, he sounds a bit cranky.

Good thing he hasn't opened his eyes yet.

He finally drops his hands to his sides at the dead silence between the two of us and opens his eyes, his mouth dropping to the floor.

"M-Miki? What are you doing here, I thought we said the move in day was-"

"I know what we said. Can I please just come inside? Or would you rather leave your lovely mistress in distress standing in the freezing cold?" He sighs, almost sounding more relieved than upset, moving behind me and corralling me inside the small apartment.

Inside, I drop my bags in the doorway as he leads me over to the couch, flicking on a light and grabbing a thick blanket. He comes and sits beside me, draping it over the two of us as I let my head fall to the side and rest on his shoulder.

An awkward silence falls between us. I don't know if he's just too shocked that I'm here or what, but something certainly seems a bit off.

"So, uh... Surprise?" I try to sound cheerful, but from the onslaught of cold and emotions surrounding my body, it really doesn't sound as much happy as it does nervous.

He laughs it off and wraps his arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer.

With his non-occupied hand, he rubs his forehead, his messy hair spewing out in various directions.

"Indeed it is. I'm not sure whether or not I should be pissed that you've woke me up at midnight the night before I take my finals, or to be happy just because you're here. Though, you clearly can't keep track of time, or days, for that matter."

I let out a shaky giggle, nuzzling my head into his shoulder.

"I know what day and time it is. There's just... some things that that I guess I should explain that made me come here a bit early."

He groans jokingly, jabbing me lightly in the ribs with his finger.

"Can this wait for the morning? I'm taking my exams pretty early, and we could easily just spend some time talking afterwards."

For a moment, I tilt my head back and ponder that option a bit. But I come to a conclusion fairly quickly, shaking my head from side to side.

"I'll give you the short version tonight."

He laughs at me.

"Girl, we have far different opinions on the word 'short'." I pout and punch him in the shoulder, drawing a slight grimace from him.

He knows damn well I hit hard and don't like to mess around when I'm trying to be serious.

Though, that being said, isn't very often. But still.

"Just listen to me, okay?" He smiles at me, rubbing my shoulder and planting a playful kiss on my forehead.

"Very well. What's up?"

So informal and definitely not the most appropriate way to ask what's wrong...

But that's how the two of us are around each other. Just two loving, informal adults.

I breathe out a heavy amount of air, my heart beating about a million miles per hour.

"I've, well... you see, it's just... for fucks sake, I've been having really bad nightmares for a long time and they won't go away." He leans forward to look into my downcast eyes, an expression of genuine concern spread across his face. "I decided to come early because when I'm here, with you, they seem to go away..."

A light seems to flick on in his head.

"Miki, that week that you spent a bit ago... that first night. Was this what was going on?"

I nod my head, a couple of tears forming up in the corner of my eyes. I can feel my face burning red as his eyes inspect my reaction, a curious expression mounted on his face.

"But I thought it was just your phantom limb pains that you get every so often?" I let out a sarcastic snicker, wiping some moisture from my eyes.

"Try every single night that I'm alone."

He looks completely stunned. Unwrapping his arm from around my shoulders, he takes my hand in between the two of his.

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier?" I shrug, staring at him right in his concerned eyes.

"I honestly figured you'd prefer a little bit of space from me. I'm sure it was nice not having to worry about your girlfriend being around all the time." He shakes his head hard, looking slightly offended.

"Why the hell, Miki, would you even begin to think that? You're a strong woman, and I get that. But, sometimes, it's okay to drop the 'tough girl' act and be yourself." He sighs, drawing in another breath. "I know what you're like. You project yourself to others in a far different way than you should, because it's really not you at all."

"But-"

"Stop. No more buts. No more nightmares, and hopefully minimal pains and tears. You're here now, and even if it's a few days early, I'm beyond happy. We can save this discussion for another time, but just know, it's not important anymore."

"What do you mean?"

He stands up, pulling me up to my feet. I feel my heart finally slowing back down to an even, rhythmic pace, my nerves giving way to a calm I haven't felt in a very long time.

I tilt my head up to face him and wrap my arms around his waist, putting on a look of desperation. Getting the hint, he leans down and connects his lips to mine, our bodies melting into each other as emotion builds up in my throat.

I can feel my eyes beginning to water once again, but not because of hurt.

It's because of happiness.

He pulls away first, reaching up and wiping a stray tear off of my cheek. With our foreheads connected, he finally answers my question.

"Sometimes, though not all the time, it's best to leave the fine details out. General and basic details can go a long way."

I smirk at him, jabbing a finger into his chest and dragging it down his stomach.

"You sure you're not just trying to get me to come to bed with you?"

He grins, rubbing the back of his neck out of embarrassment.

"Maaaybe. Maaaybe not." I jab him in the stomach and cross my arms, nearly making him double over. I laugh and grab his hand, pulling him towards his room.

"You better make tonight quick. Tomorrow will be even better."

As we slam the door behind us, everything is locked out. Stress, nightmares, pain; on a night like tonight they can all achieve one common goal.

They can all go fuck themselves.




'A Dream' is a song produced by Rundfunk.