The Venetian Chronicles: Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus AMA

The Venetian Chronicles: Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus AMA
(The first camera clicks on showing a slender Japanese woman in glasses wearing a black and purple dress, behind her are several very full book shelves, a glass cabinet that contains a collection of plastic figures and a wall of family photos. Slightly to her right the faint glow of a small plastic Christmas tree. A few seconds later a second camera clicks and a man in his late 60’s who resembles George R.R. Martin with a thicker, white beard appears. He is wearing a plaid shirt with festive suspenders and a pair of khaki slacks. Next to him is a woman in her late 60's, her long gray hair tied behind her head in a bun, wearing a red t-shirt that reads “That ho ho ho over there” and black leggings. Both are sitting in an office with a wall of books behind them, a professional looking microphone is in front of them.
Yuuko:...That's a lot of books
Santa: (Chuckling) I figured you’d like it
Mrs. Claus: Hi Yuuko!
Yuuko: Hi Anwyn! How are you?
Mrs. Claus: I am fine sweetheart, I am thrilled to be able to get familiar with the streaming equipment.
Santa: (pointing to the camera with a big smile) Don't forget, to like and subscribe (laughing).
Yuuko: Are you ready to begin?
Santa: Same format as last time right?
Yuuko: That's right.
Mrs. Claus: (rubbing her hands) let's get started!
Yuuko: Our first question is from Merith, who would like to know How you and Santa first met
Mrs. Claus: We first met around the year 410 CE. We met in a tavern in the city that would become Oslo. I was there on Templar business, accompanying an expedition in search of the lost cities of the North. When I first met him he struck me as kind of callow but he was definitely handsome and I could already sense he had anima, so I figured we would let him tag along with us, and it ended up being one of the best decisions I ever made.
Santa: I wasn't callow, I was battle hardened, yet still optimistic
Mrs. Claus: (Smiling) Of course you were honey
Yuuko: She also has a couple of follow up questions “was there a first date? Was it an arranged marriage? Are there baby claus'? Pictures of the kids?”
Mrs. Claus: It definitely wasn't an arranged marriage. Nick didn't have a title or any land to his name when I first met him, so my father would have never approved the match, but he passed before I met Nick so here we are. I don't think there was ever any formal first date, he traveled with us while we were searching the north for lost cities. So we spent many nights talking around the fire, reading together and exploring frozen ruines, fighting the darkness, and that's how our relationship grew over time...As for the children, no…we don't have any, we always wanted them but they just never happened for us.
Santa: (patting her hand)
Yuuko: Snatchy would like to know if you bring presents to all the secret people in the world and the hidden creatures too?
Santa: Before I answer your question, please put Arkhams wallet back in the bowl by the door, along with the 250 dollars that was in it and his credit card. Now, I do indeed bring presents to all the secret people in the world, but I only go where I am wanted, I never go to a home I am not invited to. I also make sure to stop by the homes and hiding places of the hidden creatures, the gifts they like the best tend to be food so that is what I leave them. I know possums for example love a big barrel of apples.
Yuuko: Snatchy was also wondering what is your favorite other holiday movie?
Mrs. Claus:(deep in thought)...I think I like the original halloween
Santa: Groundhog day
Yuuko: Jules asks,  “what's Santa doing to make sure Mrs Klaus get the credit she deserves for the work she’s doing behind the scene while he is showboating around the world”
Santa: I have never made a secret of the fact that Anwyn is my greatest helper and without her my mission would be impossible, but sadly not everyone believes me when I say it. Luckily Anwyn is so incredible that all I have to do is take a step back and let the world see how amazing she is.
Mrs. Claus: (smiling) I know it may not seem like it from your perspective but I have been making an effort to come out of the shadows lately. If you have been reading the news closely you likely noticed that there has been a surge in requests for Mrs. Clauses at various events throughout the world. I occasionally will “sub” for one of my helpers, for example I was recently marshall of the Nashua, New Hampshier parade of lights, I have called the coin toss at several big sporting  events (primarily hockey), I have attended ballet recitals (Jason Hill of Detroit Michigan was a wonderful Nutcracker prince this year), been a guest judge at science fairs and been taking christmas lists from children across the world. Many of Santa's helpers have been especially wary of crowds this year due to the ongoing pandemic, which has left me and my helpers to pick up the slack (which we are happy to do). The thing I think I like the most is visiting with the children. I have been especially fond of visiting the children's hospitals for story time, and I have been doing that far more frequently as our workload expands and the elves continue to automate more of our managerial tasks. So to answer your question Jules, all I need is for Santa to take a step back and let me introduce myself, which he has happily done.
Yuuko: Our friend Tech Ghoul would like to ask “with busy lifestyle, work travel, and geographic isolation, how claus couple take time show mutual intentional appreciation & romantic affirmation?”
Mrs. Claus: We have a greenhouse up here that grows flowers year round, Nick is always bringing me bouquets. The elves keep some heritage strains of lilies that I am particularly fond of.
Santa: Anwyn has a sixth sense that tells her when I am in need of cookies. Whenever something goes wrong be it supply chain issues or broken equipment, there is always a fresh batch of cookies waiting to cheer me up, sometimes they even appear before something goes wrong.
Yuuko: Russel would like to know if you use matter-transport technology?
Santa: Yes all the time, we first started using it in the 1950's when chimneys started becoming less common. I have been making use of it ever since, if you ever heard about a sighting in which I am enveloped in light, now you know why.
Yuuko: Our next question is from Lula
Santa: (putting his face in his hands) Oh lord
Yuuko: She asks “Being functionally immortal makes your marriage even more binding than anticipated. Have you and Chris just opened the marriage up at this point so you have totty on the side or is it more formalized or is his todger made of magic or…?”
Mrs. Claus: It's true that being immortal means things can get stale, but for the most part Nick and I are pretty vanilla people in this regard and since immortality also causes time to become compressed, it hasn't been much of an issue for us. We tried to open up the marriage in the 1960's, but it didn't work out. One of the consequences of Nick's work is being familiar with people throughout their childhoods, so whenever he would try to chat someone up he would see them as a child again and it made him sick to his stomach. I found I had a similar problem, not as bad as Nick but still everyone seems like they are 12, and I just couldn't relate to anyone else enough to start up a relationship. As for your last question, One of Odin's many domains was love making, so do with that information what you will.
Yuuko: Next we have a question from Jac “Well I'd like to thank Mrs for the wonderful dog cookies in my stocking last year, but as for Mr I would like to inquire about the motorcycle sidecar issue. I've been writing him about it for several years now”
Mrs. Claus: You’re very welcome Jac
Santa: I have finished looking into the situation Jac and I am afraid I have some bad news, while I am very much in favor of pet enabled motorcycle side cars, the decision to add them is not mine to make…that decision now belongs to Tencent, but the Funcom CEO did ask for more capital this year, so I will see what I can do.
Yuuko: Jon also has a question, “My only question is if the actions of one's dog influences the position on the naughty/nice list for the owner in any way shape or form? And if so, what mitigations might one make?”
Santa: The behavior of one's dog does not influence their place on the list, since dogs (like cats) are guided purely by their nature their deeds can not be held against them or the person trying to control them.
Yuuko: We have another question from Lula “In light of the impact of Climate Change on their home: Why have they kept largely silent on the issue? This seems especially damming in light of the rabid consumerism that comes with the Yuletide season.”
Santa: Bollocks! I have been advocating against climate change since 1955 and have been actively lobbying the governments of the world to reduce Greenhouse emissions since the 70’s. In Fact in November I went down to Glasgow to join the protesters. I ended up throwing myself in front of the president's motorcade only to be hit with a baton. I keep issuing statements, I keep meeting with politicians, 3 different generations have been raised on environmental awareness, and somehow the 1% of the population that is determined to sink everything I have built is still in charge!
Mrs. Claus: Deep breath honey.
Yuuko: And we have one more question from Lula “Mr. Kringle: according to the WHO, obesity kills over 2 million people annually. But you’ve made being overweight a key part of your brand. Is that a healthy message for the children that consider you a role model?”
Santa: (opens mouth to answer)
Mrs. Claus: Lula Rosemary DeValora, children don't look up to Santa because he is fat, they look  up to him because he is kind, because he is selfless because he is a distillation of humanity's best qualities. He did not always look like this. When I first met him he was skinny as a rail, but then age came for him, like it came for me and as it comes for all of us, even the immortal. While it's true he has gained weight since the middle ages, he has lost an enormous amount since the 1800’s and he has made it a point to talk openly about his exercise routine since at least the 90’s. So if the children of the world are to take any message away from Santa's weight, it should be fitness and exercise are for everyone, and that it is a celebration of what your body can do, not a punishment for what you eat or failed to eat.
Yuuko: Are next few question are from The Royal Order of Felines Militant, Malcolm asks,
“What is being done in the Isle of those toys your elves have buggered up on? Have there been any improvements to their quality of life since our last visit?”
Santa: By necessity, there have been a number of improvements since your last ‘visit’ . We have a new head of quality assurance. As for the Island of misfit toys, we made a lot of progress in depopulating it, as none of the toys there were ever truly misfits, they just required children who are as unique as they are and luckily I know many unique children who are absolutely thrilled to have them.
Yuuko: Next we have a message from Bukey, “Yeah, tell Jessica I meowed hi, and that she’s dopest female ever in the whole wide world - and my mom loves your gingerbread cookie recipe!”
Mrs. Claus: Thank you Bunkey, though to be fair it's not my gingerbread recipe, it originally belonged to Sister Olga Nuremberger who unfortunately lived before the age of the printing press and thus I was only the one who had it written down not the one who came up with it. It is however the best gingerbread recipe I ever found.
Yuuko: Oksana wants to know “what’s the Holiday fashion trend in the North Pole this year? And who are you wearing right meow?”
Mrs. Claus: This year's trends are all about simplicity, Hoodies Under Blazers, Academia Styles, and Tractor Trek-Sole Boots have all been very big up here this year. Unfortunately I am not dressed very well right now, I am wearing a red t shirt from redbubble that says that ho-ho-ho over there and lululemon yoga pants
Yuuko: Next Anya has an offer for both of you “Should you be in need of relationship counseling? I’m available for bookings during the Orthodox Holiday season in St. Petersburg”
Mrs. Claus: That's very sweet of you but we haven't needed counseling since the 1400’s
Santa: Besides as I recall you have your paws full at the moment
Yuuko: And finally George asks “How’s Krampus doing?”
Santa: …he is in one piece…we are trying to minimize the profanity in this interview, so let's just say he says “hi”
Yuuko: Alex asks “if he can deliver Christmas cookies in bulk to my address.”
Santa: (typing a note into his phone)...Done, it’s going to be hard not to sample a few though.
Yuuko: Are next couple of questions are from Arkham, first he would like to know “if the elves still treat the North Pole on the off season like the grotto at the playboy mansion and does he still throw those “parties” like the old days” and then has a question for Mrs. Claus, “if she still has those peppermint striped heels and can spin on a candy cane with the full kick.”
Santa: Indeed they do, the prehibernation orgy is still very much a thing, after December 31 the entire workshop needs to be sterilized from top to bottom and we usually have to burn at least one workstation. As for the parties, yes the north pole ball is still held every February, though I think you're referring to the mummers' plays I use to lead in the British isles, which could get quite rowdy.I don't hold those as often as I use to but sometimes after Christmas, I will pop down and lead a few on saint stephen's day.
Mrs. Claus: No sweety I gave those to Bruce Springsteen as a gift, I can still do the full spin though.
Yuuko: Our next few questions are from Skye, she would like to know “Why do the holidays hate pets? Mistletoe: poisonous. Trees: angry. Tinsel: looks delicious (isn't). Peppermint: bowel explosions. Reindeer…” and then it just goes on like that for several more tweets.
Santa: The holidays do not hate pets, pets simply must follow their instincts and sometimes that means trying to eat something they shouldn't. However the dangers of mistletoe and Tinsel can be mitigated by making sure it is secured to the top of the door way and decreasing the amount used on the tree respectively, there are also several brands of tinsel that are plant based and can easily be digested by both cats and dogs.
Yuuko: She would also like to know “Y'all ethically sourcing gingerbread person cookies”
Mrs. Claus: We always do, all gingerbread men are created by union bakers from the guild of magical crafts people local 1212 using only fair trade ingredients and no sentient gingerbread people are ever created.
Yuuko: Next my friend Janis would like to make a request “Now that I think of it, I do. You and I have recently returned from a very long assignment in Chernobyl. We have seen it all. I’m sure Santa has heard of the brave, loving dogs who defend the exclusion zone from the inter-dimensional creatures in a constant fight for survival. Their struggle to feed themselves now that the harsh winters have come would be a lot tougher. Would their territory be a part of Santa’s travel plans for the Orthodox holiday season?”
Santa: I am very familiar with the dogs of The Watch, in fact were it not for Balalaika, I would have had to stop visiting eastern Europe altogether, but that's a story for another day. I always make a point to visit them every year, and this year will be no different(I also know that Vlad and his comrades are on assignment and wont forget them), hopefully now that the council has set up a base in Chernobyl their lives will now be easier.
(A puppy comes scampering into Yuuko’s office and jumps up into her lap)
Vlad: Hello Ded Moroz, this is Vlad, long time fan, first time questioner, I just want to make sure you know that I am not in Chernobyl this year with the captain, I am on assignment with Pop and Nana who live in Japan, but who are visiting with Yuuko and Connar in Ireland and that is where I'm spending Christmas this year.
Santa: (laughing) don't worry Vlad I know, and you can bet that I will be stopping by this year.
Vlad: Thank you Ded Moroz, thank you Babushka Moroz, love you (the puppy then hops off Yuuko's lap)
Yuuko: Next mark would like to know “Why Rudolph always gotta be such a fuc|<ing sussy baka?”
Santa: Primarily past trauma, though I am not quite sure what this question is getting at.
Yuuko: Our next question is from Rosemarie Hüttinger who would like to know what you want for Christmas
Santa: For the most part just a few nights of uninterrupted sleep (laughing), but if you really wanted to get me something nice, I would ask for three things first, that everyone who is able too, get vaccinated (including a booster shot if needed) and second that everyone start looking out for others, periodically checking in with friends and family, caring about one another safety and well being that sort of thing, and finally that we all act more kindly towards one another, that we forgive people as we wish to be forgiven, that we not mistake ignorance for malice and that we strive to see the good in each other.
Mrs. Claus: (holding his hand) Do you still want the bicycle repair kit?
Santa: (smiling) or a bicycle repair kit, (laughing).
Yuuko: Our next question is from Alexandra Kovalevsky who asks “have you ever delivered hard drugs??? If not, would you? For the right price”
Santa: Cannabis was a favorite treat that was frequently requested through the 1800’s and I used to deliver that often. Then it became illegal in the 20th century for most of the world and I stopped giving it. Now that's changing, so I am kind of playing it by ear depending on the region. My general rule of thumb is that I don't give substances that you can easily overdose on and this policy is non negotiable.
Yuuko: Drina would like to know, “What’s the lamest gift anybody has ever asked for & did you fulfill the request?”
Santa: “Lame” is a relative term, the best gifts are the ones that make people happy and I try to make sure all my gifts do that. That being said, people have requested Santa suits for “reasons”, and I won't lie those gifts are unnerving but they were only used by consenting adults, so I ended up delivering them.
Yuuko: Next we have a question from anonymous who asks “how's weather out there, any chance of seasonal year ahead or global warming all the way”
Santa: Disturbingly warm and the winds are unusually strong, I am afraid 2022 is going to be another record breaking year.
Yuuko: Our next questions come from Angelique Richter, “Does Santa ever drink coffee? If so, what kind? Has he ever overdosed on caffeine?”
Santa: (Laughing) I have never overdosed on caffeine, though there are a few christmas I think I have come close, the tickle me elmo incident of the 90’s was probably the closest I have come. Yes I do drink coffee, in particular I like espressos and we use Kicking Horse Coffee to make them. Though I also like to change things up a lot so we also have Volcanica Coffee Tanzania Peaberry and Peet’s Arabian Mocha Sanani. The workshop however is powered almost exclusively by Death Wish Coffee, the elves will accept nothing less, in fact they like it so much that there is a clause in their union contract that says the brake rooms must be stock with it.
Yuuko: She also asks, “Does he and Mrs. Claus have any other pets at home? Do they own any other property aside from the obvious?”
Santa: Aside from the reindeer, we currently don't have any “pets”. Over the centuries we have had dogs and cats who we have adopted from around the world, but as of 2021, we currently don't have any.
Mrs. Claus: We do however have a lot of wildlife up here that visit us and while they are certainly not pets, we do love them. For example we have this walrus we have named Wally who lounges near the coast of the village. We also have a family of seals that do the same, we sometimes see arctic foxes and wolves, puffins and auk, and even the occasional polar bear(sadly these are becoming less frequent). If you go out to sea, then you can see narwhals and belugas.
Santa: As to our property, we do have a couple of cabins around the world in undisclosed locations in northern Canada and Finland, but when we travel we prefer to stay at either hotels or air b and b.
 Mrs. Claus: The cabins are primarily jumping off points for getting back to civilization, we love to travel during the off season. This year we are going to be touring Europe during the off season. Our last dog was a stray from Greece who we named Hercules(2000-2018) so maybe we will find a new friend on our travels this year.
Yuuko: And that's about everyone, Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer our question Santa.
Mrs. Claus: Thank you Yuuko it's been a pleasure as always (Blowing a kiss to the camera), Happy Holidays everyone, I’ll see you all at this year's Wizards’ Imperial Ball.
Santa: It's always a pleasure to speak with some of my best helpers, Good hunting everyone and Happy Holidays!