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supportgroup, anthi's apology, 3/31/2014

Zuki
Mar 31st, 2014
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  1. (3:35:17 PM) The topic for #supportgroup is:
  2. (3:35:17 PM) Topic for #supportgroup set by ChanServ at 1:23:04 AM on 3/22/2014
  3. (3:35:21 PM) anth: Okay, I made an ass out of myself yesterday and I have only myself to blame for it. I don't really like talking about myself much and I often default to "blab about other shit that doesn't matter"
  4. (3:35:47 PM) victorianaRegnant left the room (quit: Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client).
  5. (3:36:21 PM) victorianaRegnant [[email protected]] entered the room.
  6. (3:36:24 PM) anth: I apologize for that. I've not felt like myself much this past month and due to pretty much constant pain, I have been barely sleeping. I have a hard time getting to sleep and wake up several times when I do.
  7. (3:36:58 PM) anth: It's been wearing me out to the point where I've felt really horrible mood swings and recently, a fair amount of paranoia.
  8. (3:37:20 PM) anth: I'm expecting the worse of people who've been nothing but kind to me and it's not fair to anyone.
  9. (3:37:38 PM) anth: I do have an appointment on Thursday to help deal with that.
  10. (3:38:03 PM) Zuki: Chronic pain is pretty shitty. I hope you can get help.
  11. (3:38:39 PM) anth: But I am not sure if the pain part of it can be easily addressed as I have stated before the local doctors have told me the only treatment is pain pills or a surgery they will only do in an emergency.
  12. (3:39:04 PM) itsAlana [[email protected]] entered the room.
  13. (3:39:08 PM) anth: I'm having a harder and harder time getting around and it's been stressful and frightening.
  14. (3:39:21 PM) Zuki: May I ask what the cause is?
  15. (3:39:24 PM) anth: http://mibpaste.com/GBPP8c
  16. (3:39:46 PM) anth: I had C-sections and there is problems with the scars from them.
  17. (3:40:18 PM) anth: I can't bend over or lift more than about 20 pounds without terrible pain that can become agony.
  18. (3:40:28 PM) itsAlana: D:
  19. (3:40:48 PM) itsAlana: why is the surgery emergency-only?
  20. (3:40:51 PM) itsAlana: is it risky?
  21. (3:40:57 PM) anth: I don't know.
  22. (3:41:08 PM) anth: They say it could lead to it getting worse, though.
  23. (3:41:19 PM) itsAlana: oh.
  24. (3:41:24 PM) anth: Sometimes scarring can get irritated
  25. (3:42:29 PM) anth: I have not been feeling well or doing okay, but things are in the works to at least get me disability and stuff, because I really can't work like this.
  26. (3:42:52 PM) anth: They're also doing more tests to see if that's really all that can be done, but it's uncertain what can be.
  27. (3:43:27 PM) anth: I haven't been taking much in terms of pain pills because I'm afraid of getting addicted, I already have an addictive personality
  28. (3:43:41 PM) anth: I don't want to be like my parents.
  29. (3:44:07 PM) Zuki: Seriously, if it's between 'cannot function because pain' and 'managed chemical dependence,' I'd take the latter.
  30. (3:44:20 PM) misLul|away [[email protected]] entered the room.
  31. (3:45:20 PM) anth: http://mibpaste.com/2sR52U
  32. (3:45:46 PM) victorianaRegnant left the room (quit: Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client).
  33. (3:45:48 PM) anth: But it's been wearing me down, making me snippy and basically disrupting my life more and more.
  34. (3:45:52 PM) Zuki: If they'd have to cut you open again to do something about the scar tissue, I can understand the reluctance to do so--after all, that in and of itself could create more.
  35. (3:46:11 PM) victorianaRegnant [[email protected]] entered the room.
  36. (3:47:14 PM) anth: But it's been wearing me down, making me snippy and basically disrupting my life more and more.
  37. (3:47:31 PM) anth: I've been assuming the worse and been imagining really ridiculous things
  38. (3:47:47 PM) anth: At least I do have an appointment Thursday.
  39. (3:48:27 PM) Zuki: If there is treatment you can seek to deal with chronic pain, and find ways to reduce the impact of the internal scar tissue: yes. Hell yes, do something about it. I'm glad to hear you're seeking disability, as well.
  40. (3:48:46 PM) anth: Mostly, it'll be the scar and my eyes, as my right eye is blind.
  41. (3:48:46 PM) Krat: All I can really say here is 'what Zuki said', honestly.
  42. (3:50:08 PM) anth: If I've been impatient, weird or snappy at people I really don't mean to be. I've just been under growing amounts of stress and anxiety. I had a fucking anxiety attack about two weeks ago, which I have not had in /years/.
  43. (3:50:21 PM) anth: I will say I'm sorry.
  44. (3:50:35 PM) itsAlana: ^^^ that stuff. and you know we get how awful pain and anxiety and shit can be.
  45. (3:50:41 PM) ***itsAlana offers a zillion hugs?
  46. (3:50:44 PM) ***misLul|away offers hugs
  47. (3:50:48 PM) anth: It isn't an excuse, but I do want people to know I really do care about you all and I don't mean to be mean.
  48. (3:50:58 PM) ***anth hugs
  49. (3:50:59 PM) ***itsAlana also offers a nice hot pad if that'll help at all
  50. (3:51:17 PM) misLul|away: Not an excuse, but a reason helps with understanding the 'why' of it
  51. (3:51:22 PM) misLul|away: Thank you for trusting us with this
  52. (3:51:47 PM) victorianaRegnant left the room (quit: Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client).
  53. (3:51:53 PM) anth: It's really hard for me to talk about what I'm doing in my life, because I don't want to come across as seeking pity or people feeling sorry for me.
  54. (3:53:49 PM) anth: The best I can say for upsides is that I do have people I trust and can talk to and that walking is okay so far. Just the sitting down/getting up part that hurts.
  55. (3:54:03 PM) anth: Which is kinda weird and hard to explain to people
  56. (3:54:31 PM) Zuki: A lot of people have a hard time understanding chronic pain, and it's not a single thing, but a manifestation of many possible things, so..yeah.
  57. (3:55:30 PM) Zuki: I think there's a very important difference between 'seeking pity'/'attention-whoring' and sharing abut your life. It probably comes from the difference in what the audience is (deliberately? Unconsciously?) expected to do.
  58. (3:56:58 PM) anth: I know that a lot of my situation is from my own poor choices as well. I've made excuses and hurt friends with it and I just want to not do that.
  59. (3:57:14 PM) anth: I don't want to do that ever again
  60. (3:58:12 PM) anth: But. Thank you for listening and understanding.
  61. (3:58:17 PM) Dove [[email protected]] entered the room.
  62. (3:58:24 PM) anth: Does anyone have questions?
  63. (3:58:42 PM) anth: Because I feel like I should answer any questions anyone might have for me publically.
  64. (3:58:54 PM) misLul|away: Is there anything we can do for you?
  65. (4:02:42 PM) The_Black_Watch [[email protected]] entered the room.
  66. (4:04:01 PM) anth: I don't know right now.
  67. (4:04:39 PM) anth: http://mibpaste.com/7iYahK
  68. (4:04:41 PM) anth: For TBW
  69. (4:04:47 PM) The_Black_Watch: (thank you)
  70. (4:05:05 PM) anth: I think partially the paranoia comes from me being codependant
  71. (4:06:31 PM) anth: I've known this about myself for a while, but I have really bad issues about it. Combine it with being fucking awkward and bouncing between quiet and 'babble ALL of the things' and it's a sure track for stressing the hell out.
  72. (4:07:07 PM) anth: I'm sure some of this has come through in my RP
  73. (4:10:16 PM) Zuki: I'm a little bit familiar with the term co-dependant, but I see it get used in many ways. What does it mean, for you?
  74. (4:11:47 PM) Krat left the room (quit: Quit: ).
  75. (4:12:05 PM) anth: I tend to think of myself in terms of other's approval and seek it, fixating on a person or idea. When I like or feel close to a person, it's really intense and it can become all-consuming like a obsession.
  76. (4:12:56 PM) anth: It feels really weird to be by myself and scary to be without someone.
  77. (4:13:29 PM) Zuki: Have you seen the little Dresden Codak sketch coming about people with holes in their chest?
  78. (4:13:42 PM) anth: I think so.
  79. (4:15:21 PM) anth: I think too that's why I was in a relationship with my ex for so long, even though he wasn't good for me and was emotionally manipulative.
  80. (4:15:28 PM) anth: As well as a loser.
  81. (4:15:33 PM) Zuki: http://www.dresdencodak.com/images/stall10.jpg -- Panel three, third person.
  82. (4:15:48 PM) Zuki: That is what I thought of, re: 'Codependency.'
  83. (4:16:33 PM) anth: Yeah, I can understand that.
  84. (4:17:47 PM) Zuki: (It's inconvenient to be stuck inside someone's torso!)
  85. (4:19:43 PM) anth: There have been a few times when I realize that's what I'm doing and then do it anyway
  86. (4:22:33 PM) anth: Any questions from other folks?
  87. (4:23:04 PM) anth: Or comments?
  88. (4:23:43 PM) Dove is now known as victorianaRegnant
  89. (4:24:01 PM) misLul|away is now known as mislaidLullaby
  90. (4:24:06 PM) OJ: So what are you going to do next?
  91. (4:26:13 PM) anth: As I said, I have an appointment Thursday and I'll probably get something from that. I also have tests that will check more on my scars.
  92. (4:26:34 PM) anth: And see what can be done from there.
  93. (4:27:33 PM) anth: I'm not making promises from there, but I will try to do and follow up on what the doctors tell me.
  94. (4:31:03 PM) Zuki: It's very important to do that, whenever you can. It's hard to get better if you don't get help, just get told what it is.
  95. (4:31:27 PM) ***anth nods
  96. (4:31:46 PM) anth: If I get prescriptions I will be taking them, though I hope it doesn't leave me zombied out
  97. (4:33:11 PM) mislaidLullaby: If it does? Talk to them so they can adjust it
  98. (4:34:31 PM) anth: I had gotten a prescription some months ago, but I stopped taking it as it did weird things to my awareness and it's too dangerous around here to allow that.
  99. (4:36:08 PM) anth is now known as justicarLacrima
  100. (4:39:15 PM) justicarLacrima: Anything else?
  101. (4:40:50 PM) Zuki: Ask if there's something milder, or if you could have a smaller dosage, I'd suggest. Having to trade off safety versus pain sounds uncomfortable.
  102. (4:41:57 PM) victorianaRegnant: I'd recommend keeping a journal of what the medication does and how you're feeling, too.
  103. (4:42:07 PM) victorianaRegnant: That way, even if you can't /exactly/ recall, of the top of your head, what happened?
  104. (4:42:10 PM) ***justicarLacrima nods
  105. (4:42:13 PM) victorianaRegnant: You've got it there in writing.
  106. (4:42:25 PM) victorianaRegnant: "This is how it made me feel, this is when it happened"
  107. (4:42:31 PM) victorianaRegnant: "this is a thing I am concerned about"
  108. (4:44:07 PM) justicarLacrima: Thank you.
  109. (4:50:37 PM) justicarLacrima: Anything else before I close this window?
  110. (4:54:59 PM) justicarLacrima: Thank you for listening.
  111. (4:55:00 PM) justicarLacrima left the room.
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