Pastebin Monday, but really Thursday 11/23/2016

A lot has happened to me in the last few weeks.  I disappeared sometime last week when I checked myself into a hospital because of a serious mental health crisis I was going through.  I don't know if I was serious about going through with self-harm or not, but I wanted to save me from myself.  They took away my phone when I checked into the nearest hospital, then I was transferred to a mental health facility in another hospital for the next few days.  Again I was unable to use my phone.  The phones that were at this facility barely worked, so I had no way of contacting anyone.  Thankfully I was released after two nights.

I've been spending the last few days post hospital release doing a lot of self searching.  I first self examined my own sexuality to see where I really saw myself.  I finally accepted that I am bisexual homoromantic.  I can only see myself romantically involved with other men, but I am no longer denying my sexual attraction to women.  Those of you who may know me really well should not be surprised at this really.  And well for everyone else, I guess you know.

This would be it, but I also then brought my own gender identity into question.  I was talking about figuring out my own sexuality on Halfcoordinated's Discord server when Protomagicalgirl said "It's never too late to become a straight girl ;)"  And I was like "This is true~."  It had me thinking about myself even more.  I know I've been less keen on seeing myself as cis male lately.  I've also been thinking about how I talk about and see myself too, it's always feminine.  While I don't let myself be confined by labels, I haven't quite settled on an identity I am most comfortable with yet.  Meaning I haven't quite decided if I'm genderfluid, agender femme, or anything else here.  I have people like Riss I can talk to for support along the way though.  I do know I want to change some things about my appearance from here on.

So for now, please use they/them pronouns.

Maybe this explains why I've been so unhappy with myself up until recently.  The answers I never knew existed to the questions I was asking myself for the longest time became so clear.  I felt a large degree of gender dysphoria while in the mental health facility, in a place where I was isolated from everything I held close to me.  Not being able to shave, not being able to practice self care like I wanted, being in a dirty place, and being around people I was not safe around made it so apparent.  It pushed all the thoughts I may have touched upon in passing to the forefront.  Maybe this was why I was so unsatisfied with life, why I couldn't see myself the way I wanted to, and my lack of self worth.  I never thought about all of this before I checked myself into the hospital, but it explains so much of everything before then.

I'm already feeling a larger sense of happiness with myself.  I no longer feel like self harming myself or have the amount of self loathing I have in the past.  I'm different now, but I'm still the same Devon you know at the same time.  Good thing I have a name I feel like I can keep, huh.

I was meaning to talk about this last week before stuff happened, but Smash the Record was amazing.  So glad I made it out there.  Shoutouts to Psychoripper for organizing the speedrunning side of things and for making it such a success.  I'm so glad to have run Hyper Princess Pitch there.  Glad to see chat enjoy the run along with everyone else.  The weekend was a blast, I was definitely comfortable there, and was not overwhelmed at all.  Also Wawa is based.

Huge thanks to Guesst, Kirbymastah, Shasta, and Xanthian for letting me stay in the hotel room.  You're all cool people and I was more than happy to get you back and forth in my car.  I did just fine with sleeping in a sleeping bag on the floor for the most part.  Also hi Smoof it was nice hanging out with you!

Also shoutouts to everyone who let me hang out on the couch to watch their runs up close.  People like Zfg, Psychoripper, Spike, Dr4gonBlitz, cfb, Bertin, Millnium, and Iateyourpie.  Yeah I was up on the couch a lot.  Just something about seeing runs up there that's special to me.  Also Ryan Lockwood, I enjoyed your Goldeneye run even if Jungle trolled you horribly once again.

Trying to think of anyone else I said hi to, there's a whole bunch of you!

Apparently I'm good as Shulk in Smash 4.  I playing against Xanthian for however long I did motivated me to look into participating at a local Smash scene in my area.  Also feeling a lot more motivated to mess around in Smash 4 as a whole.

Flash forward to a few days ago, I got out of the hospital in time to practice up for Shots Fired.  I had a very good showing of Hyper Princess Pitch on the War Queen All Stages category.  Just like my Shots Fired run on Combat Lady All Stages, I managed commentary on my own just fine.  Then I had the longest run in Shots Fired to date, Valkyria Chronicles II.  I'm really happy at the turnout for that run, seeing a lot of familiar faces in chat, and huge thanks to Ghoul for being around for commentary.  Very few major mistakes, only had to be talked out of doing risky strats after getting two game overs on one mission.  But I pulled off a ton of swag, and heck, even a frame perfect trick that's totally useless.  This was for sure the best showing of VC2 in a marathon, ending with a time of 3:44:41.

I'm still really working hard on finding a job that will let me get out of here, so expect me to ramble about it a lot, but I'm finding time to play games still among other things.  I treated myself to nice stuff after a rough last week, so I got a Sylveon plushie, a copy of Pokemon Sun, and Norn9 for the Vita.  I'm also probably going to get started on my next speedrun project soon, but I'm just about ready to decide which game.

Mystic Messenger pulled me back in.  I have trouble deciding which guy I want to go after.  asdhfljkhdaslfjhdkfhasdjkf making me choose between Zen, Jumin, and 707 is soooo tough T_T lololol  But I'm really gay for Jaehee so I'm going for her route next.

YOOSUNG IS STILL SUCH A CUTIE AND I WANT TO HUG HIM OKAY asdhfljakshdf

Hi I'm Devon, nice to meet you all.