I live on a medium-sized house with my big family (13 members). They're loud. They keep fighting and yelling at each other. It's something that I hate because it reminds me too much of my childhood when my mom and dad would fight. Many years have passed and my mom and dad already separated. My mom moved on with my stepdad who is with us right now and my dad died a few years ago and yet I feel like he's still here, terrorizing me - a loud knock at the door, people shouting,loud phones that are constantly ringing is still making me nervous. To relax, I've learned to turn to video games. It keeps my mind, ears and eyes busy. I don't have to think about them, I don't have to see them and I don't have to hear them. But video games can only do so much. When that happens, I turn to my friends, but I can only talk to them online. I have Psoriasis so it's hard for me to go out. Even then, some of them are on different parts of the world so timezone is also another problem that I have to deal with.

I have a boyfriend, who's in a different continent and 7 hours behind me who is still fixing his sleeping sched so he has to sleep for 12+ hours. I have a best friend who is always one of my go-to when I need to talk about anything at all but I find it hard to talk to him lately.

Today is Sunday and it's the busiest day of the week in our house. Everyone's at home but they were all shouting and fighting with each other. Kids are running around, making a mess. My dog doesn't want to spend time with me. I had an argument with my best friend and my boyfriend has been sleeping for most of the time that I was awake and when he woke up, he wasn't feeling well physically (on top of dealing with something mentally and emotionally) so I don't wanna bring him further down.

There are many other things happening besides what I've mentioned here and this is just the general stuff. I try my best to be there for everyone when they need me but I find it hard to ask for help when I need it myself. I always feel like I'm a burden and it's just in me to always worry and take care of everyone's feelings first before mine so I just go into my little corner alone. I've been sitting in my chair, crying for 4 hours now, doing nothing. My head already hurts and I can feel my heart breaking every second.

I just wanna let this out. I never do this online but this is just really too hard for me to carry. I don't care where this post goes, but the fact that it's here and I managed to type it out helps a little bit. I'm sorry for my grammar and my composition I'm just really bleugh.