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- 1
- 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,187
- And the subject is Work.
- 2
- 00:00:06,145 --> 00:00:11,561
- The pollen count, that's a difficult job.
- 3
- 00:00:18,153 --> 00:00:21,797
- Easiest job in the world, of course:
- Australian psychiatrist.
- 4
- 00:00:21,797 --> 00:00:25,101
- [Australian accent] "Good day. Good day.
- How you doing. No worries. Next."
- 5
- 00:00:27,434 --> 00:00:32,580
- I lost my job with LastMinute.com for
- being persistently late.
- 6
- 00:00:33,325 --> 00:00:36,032
- I lost my job as a cricket commentator
- for saying the words,
- 7
- 00:00:36,032 --> 00:00:39,792
- "I don't want to bore you with the
- details."
- 8
- 00:00:42,553 --> 00:00:48,709
- If they make it illegal to wear the veil at
- work, beekeepers are gonna be furious.
- 9
- 00:00:50,621 --> 00:00:57,952
- My wife--it's difficult to say what she
- does--she sells seashells on the seashore.
- 10
- 00:01:03,660 --> 00:01:06,270
- Some people say the firefighters deserve
- more money,
- 11
- 00:01:06,270 --> 00:01:11,803
- but, apparently a poll was taken and they
- all fell through a hole in the floor.
- 12
- 00:01:16,046 --> 00:01:19,889
- Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather
- would think of what I do.
- 13
- 00:01:19,889 --> 00:01:25,126
- He spent his whole life in the kebab
- business, was buried with all his equipment.
- 14
- 00:01:25,126 --> 00:01:28,725
- He's probably turning in his grave.
- 15
- 00:01:32,747 --> 00:01:35,144
- The topic is Health.
- 16
- 00:01:37,869 --> 00:01:40,733
- My sister's got hay fever.
- 17
- 00:01:41,429 --> 00:01:45,749
- Now, she's got diabetes, so I tried to
- cheer her up, you know,
- 18
- 00:01:45,749 --> 00:01:48,759
- flowers ... chocolates ...
- 19
- 00:01:53,743 --> 00:01:59,601
- About a month before he died, my grandfather--
- we covered his back with lard.
- 20
- 00:01:59,691 --> 00:02:04,391
- After that, he went downhill very quickly.
- 21
- 00:02:09,312 --> 00:02:12,648
- Recently had bird flu,
- but it's all relative, isn't it?
- 22
- 00:02:12,648 --> 00:02:18,232
- If I have rabies and you offered me bird
- flu, I'd bite your hand off.
- 23
- 00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:26,996
- Last summer, I set up a clinic
- for colonic irrigation.
- 24
- 00:02:26,996 --> 00:02:30,841
- But, the hosepipe ban hit us hard.
- 25
- 00:02:37,165 --> 00:02:39,521
- Dara: And the topic is Travel.
- 26
- 00:02:44,851 --> 00:02:47,861
- I've just come back from Australia.
- 27
- 00:02:47,861 --> 00:02:55,177
- While I was there, I learned some Aboriginal
- words like 'boo', which means to return,
- 28
- 00:02:55,177 --> 00:02:58,555
- 'cause when you throw an ordinary merang...
- 29
- 00:03:05,496 --> 00:03:09,240
- I didn't think much of the film on the
- plane coming back from Australia.
- 30
- 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:16,562
- Turned out to be a 24-hour animation of
- a plane traveling from Sydney to London.
- 31
- 00:03:18,983 --> 00:03:23,601
- Whatever you do, don't go and see
- Time to Destination.
- 32
- 00:03:26,576 --> 00:03:30,567
- Italians, slanty little eyes.
- 33
- 00:03:34,399 --> 00:03:37,317
- Sorry, italics.
- 34
- 00:03:43,855 --> 00:03:47,828
- Just come back from Dartmoor where I spent
- three days shooting at life size models
- 35
- 00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:50,561
- of Sarah Ferguson and Princess Diana.
- 36
- 00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:53,781
- Got nothing against them myself, it's just
- that they made it part of the
- 37
- 00:03:53,781 --> 00:03:57,115
- Duke of Edinburgh's award scheme.
- 38
- 00:04:00,926 --> 00:04:04,321
- I've just come back from Russia.
- 39
- 00:04:04,321 --> 00:04:07,705
- Always wanted to go out with a Russian
- girl 'cause in my experience,
- 40
- 00:04:07,705 --> 00:04:13,277
- inside every Russian woman, there's
- another Russian woman.
- 41
- 00:04:14,911 --> 00:04:17,435
- The subject is Family.
- 42
- 00:04:19,109 --> 00:04:26,427
- One of my earliest memories is seeing my
- mother's face through the oven window.
- 43
- 00:04:30,881 --> 00:04:36,841
- As we played hide-and-seek, she said,
- "You're getting warmer."
- 44
- 00:04:39,021 --> 00:04:42,341
- My Auntie Jean got a sister called Jean.
- 45
- 00:04:42,341 --> 00:04:44,959
- Her daughter Jean just had a baby,
- called it
- 46
- 00:04:45,299 --> 00:04:47,247
- Jean.
- 47
- 00:04:47,352 --> 00:04:49,351
- They went to a nightclub to celebrate.
- 48
- 00:04:49,351 --> 00:04:52,425
- They got to the door and the bouncer
- said, "Sorry ...
- 49
- 00:04:57,894 --> 00:05:01,088
- "You're all wearing trainers."
- 50
- 00:05:05,369 --> 00:05:13,495
- My grandfather, Jean, was always complaining
- about how much things cost.
- 51
- 00:05:13,495 --> 00:05:18,915
- "One pound fifty for a cup of tea? Two
- pounds twenty-five for three custard creams?"
- 52
- 00:05:18,915 --> 00:05:24,381
- "Look grandad you just popped 'round,
- I didn't invite you."
- 53
- 00:05:28,984 --> 00:05:32,002
- My other grandfather was always going on
- about how in the old days
- 54
- 00:05:32,002 --> 00:05:34,012
- people could leave their back doors open.
- 55
- 00:05:34,012 --> 00:05:38,121
- Which is probably why
- his submarine sank.
- 56
- 00:05:41,479 --> 00:05:44,382
- My other grandfather--
- 57
- 00:05:46,039 --> 00:05:49,845
- when he died, we didn't even get the
- chance to say goodbye,
- 58
- 00:05:49,845 --> 00:05:55,881
- which is all the more poignant,
- because he drowned in a bowl of Cheerios.
- 59
- 00:06:00,984 --> 00:06:04,153
- Dara: Relationships, Milton.
- 60
- 00:06:06,361 --> 00:06:09,581
- Sometimes, I think I should settle down and
- have a mature relationship.
- 61
- 00:06:09,581 --> 00:06:15,412
- Then I think to myself it's the middle
- of the conker season!
- 62
- 00:06:18,066 --> 00:06:20,185
- Never give up your seat for a lady.
- 63
- 00:06:20,185 --> 00:06:23,504
- That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
- 64
- 00:06:28,725 --> 00:06:29,954
- I owe my mum.
- 65
- 00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:34,349
- She told me there was a bear
- living under the stairs.
- 66
- 00:06:39,757 --> 00:06:45,801
- My parents came up last weekend,
- because I keep them in the cellar.
- 67
- 00:06:46,654 --> 00:06:51,601
- That's not true.
- I don't know who they are.
- 68
- 00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:57,503
- Got home from work the other day,
- 69
- 00:06:57,503 --> 00:07:01,160
- my wife was wearing this slinky number
- 70
- 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:05,228
- which only really worked when she
- went down stairs.
- 71
- 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:16,993
- Recently we bought a box set of Doctor Who
- and watched it back to back.
- 72
- 00:07:16,993 --> 00:07:21,381
- Unfortunately I wasn't the one
- facing the screen.
- 73
- 00:07:22,558 --> 00:07:25,036
- Dara: Subject is School.
- 74
- 00:07:31,649 --> 00:07:35,196
- When I was 5 years old, my teacher asked me
- 75
- 00:07:35,196 --> 00:07:38,794
- if I wanted to take the school guinea pig home.
- 76
- 00:07:39,474 --> 00:07:44,660
- 7 months later I arrived in the
- African republic of Guinea.
- 77
- 00:07:50,529 --> 00:07:56,361
- My parents didn't know where I was.
- The British consulate wouldn't help.
- 78
- 00:07:56,361 --> 00:07:59,878
- My space hopper had a puncture.
- 79
- 00:08:03,391 --> 00:08:06,500
- When I was at school I spent half my time
- afraid of things like
- 80
- 00:08:06,500 --> 00:08:11,865
- Fractions. Well, I say "half my time" ...
- 81
- 00:08:19,225 --> 00:08:21,943
- It's not easy for teachers though,
- I mean where do you stand?
- 82
- 00:08:21,943 --> 00:08:24,119
- You stand at the front of the class,
- you can write on the board,
- 83
- 00:08:24,119 --> 00:08:25,548
- but you can't see the children.
- 84
- 00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,460
- Or do you stand at the back,
- where you can see the children
- 85
- 00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:29,090
- but you can't write on the board?
- 86
- 00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:31,698
- I mean, no one's been able
- to solve that dilemma.
- 87
- 00:08:31,848 --> 00:08:34,224
- Not by a long chalk.
- 88
- 00:08:40,368 --> 00:08:42,361
- When I was young I baked an apple tart.
- 89
- 00:08:42,361 --> 00:08:44,493
- I took it to Leeds, Liverpool and Reading.
- 90
- 00:08:44,493 --> 00:08:51,905
- All because my maths teacher said, "Make sure
- you take pi to 3 dismal places."
- 91
- 00:08:57,601 --> 00:09:01,753
- Dara: Festivals, who wants to come in on that?
- Kevin.
- 92
- 00:09:02,398 --> 00:09:07,950
- Nice picture there, that's me on your left.
- So, I was at a Christian rock festival.
- 93
- 00:09:07,950 --> 00:09:10,620
- I never really meant to be there,
- I was just passing through
- 94
- 00:09:10,620 --> 00:09:13,621
- this Christian rock festival,
- and there was a stall set up.
- 95
- 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:20,292
- It said "a free toastie for all of God's children."
- I thought "Sure, I'm on."
- 96
- 00:09:21,991 --> 00:09:24,658
- I said "How's it goin' mate, can I have a toastie?"
- 97
- 00:09:24,658 --> 00:09:28,005
- And the guy said, "Are you a Christian?"
- I thought, well, if I'm not a Christian,
- 98
- 00:09:28,005 --> 00:09:32,564
- am I not getting a toastie?
- That's not very Christian.
- 99
- 00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:42,624
- And with this the guy crumbled. Stood back,
- took a look at the chalk board and said,
- 100
- 00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:45,826
- "OK, you can have cheese,
- or cheese and ham."
- 101
- 00:09:45,826 --> 00:09:49,743
- I thought "Ah, just cheese mate,
- cos I'm a Jew."
- 102
- 00:09:55,101 --> 00:09:57,875
- Topic is Jobs.
- 103
- 00:10:03,308 --> 00:10:05,825
- I used to work at a Christian rock festival
- 104
- 00:10:05,825 --> 00:10:08,656
- selling toasties.
- 105
- 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:21,224
- My best day was when I sold this Jewish bloke
- some yellow ham.
- 106
- 00:10:24,610 --> 00:10:28,382
- My Dad was a dustman. I didn't like him
- coming to collect us from school.
- 107
- 00:10:30,982 --> 00:10:36,961
- Not that I was ashamed he was a dustman.
- You never knew which day he was going to come.
- 108
- 00:10:42,841 --> 00:10:46,848
- The rest of my family were police marksmen.
- 109
- 00:10:46,848 --> 00:10:50,431
- Apart from my grandfather.
- He was a bank robber.
- 110
- 00:10:50,431 --> 00:10:52,239
- He died quite recently,
- 111
- 00:10:52,239 --> 00:10:55,282
- surrounded by his family.
- 112
- 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:09,657
- My uncle, he's a police frogman.
- No sorry, he's a French policeman.
- 113
- 00:11:10,817 --> 00:11:12,891
- I used to work in a supermarket.
- 114
- 00:11:12,891 --> 00:11:16,273
- It was my job to hand out
- samples of things for people to taste.
- 115
- 00:11:16,273 --> 00:11:22,094
- However, I was asked to leave after the
- "little cups of bleach" incident.
- 116
- 00:11:26,306 --> 00:11:28,401
- After that I worked in a pathology lab.
- 117
- 00:11:28,401 --> 00:11:30,806
- I was asked to leave after
- one of my reports said,
- 118
- 00:11:30,806 --> 00:11:34,821
- "Cause of death: Autopsy."
- 119
- 00:11:38,769 --> 00:11:41,004
- And the subject is Travel.
- 120
- 00:11:45,328 --> 00:11:48,412
- When I was young my Mum used to put
- food on a spoon and say,
- 121
- 00:11:48,412 --> 00:11:50,976
- "There's a train coming,
- there's a train coming."
- 122
- 00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:52,697
- We'd always eat it it,
- 'cause we knew if we didn't
- 123
- 00:11:52,697 --> 00:11:56,687
- she wouldn't untie us
- from the railway lines.
- 124
- 00:12:01,732 --> 00:12:04,141
- I tried to get here by train today.
- 125
- 00:12:04,141 --> 00:12:07,368
- They said, "Today there is
- a bus replacement service."
- 126
- 00:12:07,368 --> 00:12:11,858
- I gave them a tin of pineapple chunks.
- They said, "What's that?"
- 127
- 00:12:11,858 --> 00:12:16,886
- I said,
- "That's my money replacement service."
- 128
- 00:12:19,248 --> 00:12:24,675
- I didn't have any money because a friend
- nicked my fiver.
- 129
- 00:12:27,489 --> 00:12:30,698
- Thanks, that doesn't normally work.
- 130
- 00:12:36,344 --> 00:12:43,339
- Anyway, I managed to borrow a car,
- and parked it up in "Bus Lane."
- 131
- 00:12:47,361 --> 00:12:53,226
- Last year I went on a ballooning holiday.
- Put on 4 stone.
- 132
- 00:12:56,191 --> 00:12:59,978
- The other day I bought one of those
- offroad vehicles. 3000 quid.
- 133
- 00:12:59,978 --> 00:13:03,187
- Got it home, found out it was a canoe.
- 134
- 00:13:07,450 --> 00:13:09,991
- Dara: Entertainment.
- 135
- 00:13:15,644 --> 00:13:18,739
- I was watching Blue Peter the other day.
- 136
- 00:13:18,739 --> 00:13:22,947
- He was a neighbour with really bad circulation.
- 137
- 00:13:24,977 --> 00:13:30,815
- I said to him
- "Peter, why don't you get a pacemaker?"
- 138
- 00:13:30,815 --> 00:13:35,154
- He said "I can't even run,
- let alone keep up with someone."
- 139
- 00:13:36,117 --> 00:13:40,041
- I was watching TV the other day.
- I flipped over and all I could see
- 140
- 00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:42,300
- were the brown cushions on my sofa really close up.
- 141
- 00:13:45,799 --> 00:13:47,792
- You have to be careful watching television.
- 142
- 00:13:47,792 --> 00:13:49,588
- You think to yourself,
- "That bloke is better looking than me,
- 143
- 00:13:49,588 --> 00:13:54,690
- "he's got a better car than me,
- and he's got a cat called Jess."
- 144
- 00:13:57,739 --> 00:14:01,197
- My favorite film is the French film "And."
- 145
- 00:14:01,197 --> 00:14:05,832
- I think it was released over here as "ET."
- 146
- 00:14:11,754 --> 00:14:14,527
- You have to admire people who go into
- the performing arts;
- 147
- 00:14:14,527 --> 00:14:18,065
- they have to do exercises every single day
- for their future career.
- 148
- 00:14:18,065 --> 00:14:25,497
- "Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ...
- ih ih ih ih ih ih ih "Big Issue"
- 149
- 00:14:25,497 --> 00:14:27,861
- That's all from me, thank you.
- 150
- 00:14:28,696 --> 00:14:32,300
- The subject is Food. Who wants to
- start with that? Milton.
- 151
- 00:14:36,801 --> 00:14:42,061
- I went for an Italian recently.
- Well, he was annoying me.
- 152
- 00:14:43,695 --> 00:14:51,756
- Incredible to think, isn't it, that every
- single Scotsman started off as a Scotch egg.
- 153
- 00:14:56,820 --> 00:14:59,578
- Cold and gingery.
- 154
- 00:15:01,608 --> 00:15:03,990
- I was grilling some tomatoes,
- the other day,
- 155
- 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:07,778
- saying, "WHO ARE YOU?
- WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?"
- 156
- 00:15:08,965 --> 00:15:12,607
- I almost got into the SAS.
- I failed on one question:
- 157
- 00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:15,675
- they said, "Imagine the scenario:
- terrorists have taken hostages,
- 158
- 00:15:15,675 --> 00:15:19,246
- "they are holding them in an embassy,
- what are your preferred tactics?"
- 159
- 00:15:19,246 --> 00:15:23,341
- I said "I like the orange ones."
- 160
- 00:15:26,561 --> 00:15:30,632
- I was in the park the other day,
- watching an old man feed the birds,
- 161
- 00:15:30,632 --> 00:15:36,240
- and after a while I thought to myself,
- "I wonder how long he's been dead?"
- 162
- 00:15:38,918 --> 00:15:40,979
- When the boys in the playground found out
- 163
- 00:15:40,979 --> 00:15:46,148
- that I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts,
- they used to shove me up against the wall
- 164
- 00:15:46,148 --> 00:15:52,627
- and make me play Russian roulette
- with a bag of Revels.
- 165
- 00:15:54,665 --> 00:15:56,469
- That's all, good night!
- 166
- 00:15:57,511 --> 00:16:00,150
- Dara: The topic is Careers.
- 167
- 00:16:07,987 --> 00:16:12,717
- In college, I studied agriculture and
- communication, specialising in sheep.
- 168
- 00:16:14,505 --> 00:16:19,037
- In the end I came out with a BAA.
- 169
- 00:16:25,439 --> 00:16:27,824
- After that, I set up the British sheep census,
- 170
- 00:16:27,824 --> 00:16:30,284
- but I fell asleep halfway through that.
- 171
- 00:16:34,775 --> 00:16:38,190
- At the end of the day, my Dad always
- goes around pulling
- 172
- 00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:40,433
- out all the plugs and turning out all
- the lights.
- 173
- 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,643
- Very safety conscious.
- 174
- 00:16:42,643 --> 00:16:46,378
- Why he got the sack from air traffic control...
- 175
- 00:16:49,861 --> 00:16:53,121
- My nephew, when he grows up, he
- wants to be an accountant.
- 176
- 00:16:53,121 --> 00:16:58,071
- So, for his birthday I bought him
- a great, big bag of receipts.
- 177
- 00:16:58,992 --> 00:17:05,691
- Said, "Listen, don't worry if you don't
- like them, I've kept all the presents."
- 178
- 00:17:09,370 --> 00:17:16,272
- You know when you're a pirate,
- and you work mainly canals?
- 179
- 00:17:18,044 --> 00:17:22,555
- Annoying, isn't it, when you try and get
- one of your enemies to walk the plank
- 180
- 00:17:22,555 --> 00:17:26,581
- and they just run off down the towpath.
- 181
- 00:17:30,376 --> 00:17:32,857
- Mind you, the state of the towpath near us,
- 182
- 00:17:32,857 --> 00:17:35,479
- I wouldn't touch it with a...
- 183
- 00:17:39,974 --> 00:17:44,001
- Dara: It's Travel. Away you go.
- 184
- 00:17:46,894 --> 00:17:52,405
- Keep Britain tidy.
- Chop off Norfolk and Cornwall.
- 185
- 00:17:54,969 --> 00:17:58,306
- People from New Zealand don't like
- being called Australian, do they?
- 186
- 00:17:58,306 --> 00:17:59,560
- Ohhh no.
- 187
- 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,608
- People from Britain don't realise
- there's an entirely separate culture.
- 188
- 00:18:02,608 --> 00:18:04,469
- There's a great big sea between
- the two places.
- 189
- 00:18:04,469 --> 00:18:05,841
- What people from New Zealand
- don't realise
- 190
- 00:18:05,841 --> 00:18:08,887
- is that we in Britain don't care.
- 191
- 00:18:11,625 --> 00:18:13,981
- I've just come back from Holland.
- 192
- 00:18:13,981 --> 00:18:15,747
- When I was there I was in
- a fish restaurant,
- 193
- 00:18:15,747 --> 00:18:18,728
- and the bloke on the table next to me
- began to cough, so I ignored him.
- 194
- 00:18:18,728 --> 00:18:21,070
- Then he began to cough a bit more,
- so I still ignored him.
- 195
- 00:18:21,070 --> 00:18:22,970
- Then he began to choke really,
- really badly,
- 196
- 00:18:22,970 --> 00:18:25,897
- so in the end I stood up and I
- smacked him on the back really hard.
- 197
- 00:18:25,897 --> 00:18:31,361
- Anyway, it turns out he was just
- speaking Dutch.
- 198
- 00:18:34,062 --> 00:18:37,573
- That works with Welsh as well.
- 199
- 00:18:39,987 --> 00:18:43,360
- You have to admire the Dutch, because what
- they've done, right, is legalise drugs,
- 200
- 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:45,490
- and now there are far fewer people in prison.
- 201
- 00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:48,740
- I suppose the next step is to legalise murder.
- 202
- 00:18:48,740 --> 00:18:50,694
- There'd be far, far fewer people.
- 203
- 00:18:50,694 --> 00:18:52,741
- In general.
- 204
- 00:18:55,670 --> 00:18:58,955
- Sometimes, though, it's difficult to know
- if you remember something
- 205
- 00:18:58,955 --> 00:19:01,236
- or you remember the photograph of something.
- 206
- 00:19:01,236 --> 00:19:04,911
- I think my earliest memory is of being in
- America, standing over an air vent,
- 207
- 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:07,910
- and my skirt billowing up...
- 208
- 00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,302
- That's all from me, thank you, good night.
- 209
- 00:19:12,835 --> 00:19:16,680
- Dara: The subject is Health.
- Who wants to come in on that? Carl.
- 210
- 00:19:17,084 --> 00:19:19,719
- I suffer from recurring stomach problems,
- 211
- 00:19:19,719 --> 00:19:22,589
- which sometimes lead me into
- quite embarrassing situations.
- 212
- 00:19:22,589 --> 00:19:25,728
- One happened when, about two years,
- I went to see Alicia Keys live in concert
- 213
- 00:19:25,728 --> 00:19:29,742
- at the O2 arena.
- That's not the embarrassing bit.
- 214
- 00:19:30,364 --> 00:19:32,601
- En route to meet friends to go to the show
- 215
- 00:19:32,601 --> 00:19:34,445
- I stopped off at my doctor's
- to get a little checkup,
- 216
- 00:19:34,445 --> 00:19:36,774
- and he said it was all fine,
- but he wanted a stool sample,
- 217
- 00:19:36,774 --> 00:19:39,474
- so he gave me a little pot and said,
- "Do your sample, drop it in the morning."
- 218
- 00:19:39,474 --> 00:19:43,227
- So I put it in my bag and then went to
- meet friends for a drink before the show.
- 219
- 00:19:43,227 --> 00:19:44,793
- About half an hour passed,
- I felt movement.
- 220
- 00:19:44,793 --> 00:19:46,827
- I thought, "I'd better do it now,
- I've got to drop it in the morning."
- 221
- 00:19:46,827 --> 00:19:50,755
- So I went to a pub toilet and I did my
- sample in a pot and put it back in my bag.
- 222
- 00:19:50,755 --> 00:19:53,824
- Went out, didn't tell my friends what
- I'd done. We just carried on drinking.
- 223
- 00:19:53,824 --> 00:19:56,831
- About half an hour later it's show time.
- Went to the O2 arena,
- 224
- 00:19:56,831 --> 00:20:00,696
- where I'd never been before,
- to see Alicia Keys.
- 225
- 00:20:00,696 --> 00:20:03,812
- And I reckon it was about 30 metres
- from the front of the queue
- 226
- 00:20:03,812 --> 00:20:08,435
- where I found out about their
- compulsory bag search system.
- 227
- 00:20:09,428 --> 00:20:11,058
- Have you ever tried to explain to
- a security guard
- 228
- 00:20:11,058 --> 00:20:14,931
- why you're trying to smuggle a stool sample
- into an Alicia Keys concert?
- 229
- 00:20:14,931 --> 00:20:19,612
- It's pretty tough. When he pulled it out,
- I've never heard more shock in a man's voice.
- 230
- 00:20:19,612 --> 00:20:22,038
- He just sort of went, "What is this?!"
- 231
- 00:20:22,038 --> 00:20:24,121
- And I freaked out and said the first thing
- that came into my head,
- 232
- 00:20:24,121 --> 00:20:27,008
- so I went, "It's a pot of shit."
- 233
- 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:33,234
- Which he then repeated, louder.
- He just sort of went, "A po' o' shi'!"
- 234
- 00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:36,359
- and it went back down the queue
- like Chinese whispers.
- 235
- 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,841
- About 20 people back I think I heard
- somebody go,
- 236
- 00:20:38,841 --> 00:20:42,628
- "I think there's a guy with a bowl of
- chips at the front or something."
- 237
- 00:20:42,780 --> 00:20:45,381
- So I'm just there, totally embarrassed,
- didn't know what to do, I'm almost crying.
- 238
- 00:20:45,381 --> 00:20:48,784
- I explained my story. The guy gets
- his supervisor, who comes over
- 239
- 00:20:48,784 --> 00:20:51,740
- and this is a great response. I was honestly
- like, "I've got a bug, sorry."
- 240
- 00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:56,580
- and he listens to all that and goes, "All
- right, I believe you. You can keep it."
- 241
- 00:21:05,706 --> 00:21:09,468
- OK, that leaves us with Milton.
- Let's see what you've been left with.
- 242
- 00:21:09,468 --> 00:21:10,976
- Spin the wheel.
- 243
- 00:21:11,661 --> 00:21:14,881
- The subject is Relatives.
- 244
- 00:21:20,285 --> 00:21:24,081
- The scariest thing that ever happened
- to me in my entire life
- 245
- 00:21:24,081 --> 00:21:25,896
- was when I was very little.
- 246
- 00:21:25,896 --> 00:21:29,773
- My Dad said, "I'm just gonna pop upstairs."
- And he went upstairs ...
- 247
- 00:21:29,833 --> 00:21:31,971
- and he popped!
- 248
- 00:21:37,296 --> 00:21:42,548
- I didn't speak to my Dad. Well, he was
- a bus driver. You're not allowed to.
- 249
- 00:21:44,312 --> 00:21:48,440
- My brother, he's allergic to cheese.
- Not the taste, just if anyone says the word
- 250
- 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,481
- he goes, bloop!
- 251
- 00:21:51,601 --> 00:21:56,551
- Doesn't happen very often,
- but we've got some weird family photos.
- 252
- 00:21:58,959 --> 00:22:02,036
- My grandfather, he was a G.I.,
- and he was in the RAF.
- 253
- 00:22:02,036 --> 00:22:03,892
- OK, he was a giraffe.
- 254
- 00:22:05,917 --> 00:22:07,713
- During the war,
- when board games were illegal,
- 255
- 00:22:07,713 --> 00:22:12,334
- he was put in prison for being
- a Yahtzee sympathiser.
- 256
- 00:22:14,581 --> 00:22:19,121
- My uncle, he was a security guard
- at the O2 arena.
- 257
- 00:22:25,260 --> 00:22:29,938
- Dara: Thank you very much.
- Points in that round go to Milton Jones!
- 258
- 00:22:31,384 --> 00:22:34,766
- The topic is Nationality.
- 259
- 00:22:38,281 --> 00:22:42,169
- If you're addicted to meths,
- you're either an alcoholic
- 260
- 00:22:42,169 --> 00:22:47,529
- or a South African with
- a real love of numbers.
- 261
- 00:22:50,747 --> 00:22:53,984
- I've got a friend who got caught
- shoplifting in Saudi Arabia.
- 262
- 00:22:53,984 --> 00:22:58,595
- Fortunately he'd stolen a prosthetic hand.
- 263
- 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:03,821
- Unfortunately it was a second offense.
- 264
- 00:23:04,391 --> 00:23:07,721
- So I'm in France, and I saw this little
- old lady knitting in the town square.
- 265
- 00:23:07,721 --> 00:23:11,836
- I said, "Voulez vous crochet avec moi?"
- 266
- 00:23:14,210 --> 00:23:16,196
- I used to teach English in Germany.
- 267
- 00:23:16,196 --> 00:23:17,864
- First day I taught them everything
- beginning with A,
- 268
- 00:23:17,864 --> 00:23:19,220
- second day, everything beginning with B.
- 269
- 00:23:19,220 --> 00:23:22,301
- D-day was a bit tricky.
- 270
- 00:23:27,321 --> 00:23:31,122
- So I'm in a disco in Tehran --
- 271
- 00:23:33,013 --> 00:23:36,043
- all these women dancing 'round
- a handbag, singing,
- 272
- 00:23:36,043 --> 00:23:39,438
- "Iranian men, hallelujah!"
- 273
- 00:23:45,750 --> 00:23:49,014
- Recently I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet.
- 274
- 00:23:49,014 --> 00:23:52,671
- He sent me a large goat with a long neck.
- 275
- 00:23:52,671 --> 00:23:56,775
- Turns out I'd phoned Dial-a-llama.
- 276
- 00:23:58,994 --> 00:24:01,923
- The next subject is Communication.
- Who wants to come in on that?
- 277
- 00:24:01,923 --> 00:24:03,418
- Chris.
- 278
- 00:24:04,269 --> 00:24:08,083
- Hello. Communication these days, it's ...
- 279
- 00:24:08,083 --> 00:24:11,439
- the more technologically advanced
- a form of communication,
- 280
- 00:24:11,439 --> 00:24:14,999
- the more pointless and useless
- the subject matter is.
- 281
- 00:24:14,999 --> 00:24:18,929
- For example, things like Twitter.
- It's not real communication.
- 282
- 00:24:18,929 --> 00:24:22,538
- You would never tweet someone to
- inform them of a death in the family.
- 283
- 00:24:22,538 --> 00:24:25,565
- It'd be slightly, y'know what I mean,
- a bit harsh.
- 284
- 00:24:25,565 --> 00:24:28,788
- Dad's dead. #fail
- 285
- 00:24:31,696 --> 00:24:34,454
- At the same time, you wouldn't show up
- at someone's house unannounced,
- 286
- 00:24:34,454 --> 00:24:38,381
- in person, to tell them you'd just
- had a nice sandwich.
- 287
- 00:24:38,817 --> 00:24:40,694
- All right, mate? It's 11 at night.
- What's up?
- 288
- 00:24:40,694 --> 00:24:43,321
- Just had a blinded toastie.
- 289
- 00:24:43,321 --> 00:24:45,869
- See ya at work.
- - What!?
- 290
- 00:24:46,499 --> 00:24:48,149
- I mean, the most pointless form of
- communication these days
- 291
- 00:24:48,149 --> 00:24:50,839
- has to be YouTube comments.
- Wow.
- 292
- 00:24:50,839 --> 00:24:53,231
- Just take a couple of hours out
- of your life, sit down,
- 293
- 00:24:53,231 --> 00:24:55,085
- and have a look through some
- YouTube comments.
- 294
- 00:24:55,085 --> 00:24:58,724
- It's like scrolling through
- the mind of a psychopath.
- 295
- 00:24:58,724 --> 00:25:01,724
- It's incredible, and I've got a game you
- can have, to send them loopy, right?
- 296
- 00:25:01,724 --> 00:25:04,519
- Go onto YouTube. Find a video.
- Has to be unremarkable.
- 297
- 00:25:04,519 --> 00:25:06,961
- Can't be anything amazing,
- it can't be a near-death experience.
- 298
- 00:25:06,961 --> 00:25:11,441
- It has to be banal, boring and mundane,
- like a video of a cat yawning.
- 299
- 00:25:11,441 --> 00:25:14,840
- You're laughing - there's loads of them on there.
- People are insane, right?
- 300
- 00:25:14,841 --> 00:25:19,412
- Video of a cat yawning, go on, underneath,
- sign in, YouTube comment, one word:
- 301
- 00:25:19,532 --> 00:25:21,653
- Fake.
- 302
- 00:25:21,820 --> 00:25:24,840
- People. Lose. Their. Minds.
- 303
- 00:25:24,841 --> 00:25:26,587
- How can it be fake?!?!
- 304
- 00:25:26,587 --> 00:25:29,494
- Cats yawn! Cats yawn!
- 305
- 00:25:29,494 --> 00:25:32,941
- She was tired!!
- 306
- 00:25:35,581 --> 00:25:37,773
- Thank you very much.
- 307
- 00:25:37,773 --> 00:25:41,222
- The subject is Family.
- 308
- 00:25:47,070 --> 00:25:50,523
- All my family are black and white.
- 309
- 00:25:52,281 --> 00:25:53,986
- I phoned my Dad the other day.
- 310
- 00:25:53,986 --> 00:25:56,561
- He said, "You left the room
- before I finished speaking.
- 311
- 00:25:56,561 --> 00:25:59,540
- "I wanted you to go to Holland and
- Barrett and get me some tablets.
- 312
- 00:25:59,540 --> 00:26:00,447
- "Where are you now?"
- 313
- 00:26:00,447 --> 00:26:02,720
- I said, "Holland."
- 314
- 00:26:07,533 --> 00:26:10,259
- I always left the room before my Dad
- finished speaking. I remember once he said,
- 315
- 00:26:10,259 --> 00:26:13,761
- "Why don't you go outside and jump
- up and down on the trampoline?"
- 316
- 00:26:13,761 --> 00:26:17,167
- Except I didn't hear the "-oline."
- 317
- 00:26:20,867 --> 00:26:27,525
- My grandfather, he eventually achieved his
- life-long ambition to be a lion whisperer.
- 318
- 00:26:27,525 --> 00:26:30,357
- Just before he died.
- 319
- 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:32,940
- #fail
- 320
- 00:26:39,670 --> 00:26:44,194
- My mother, she's got to the stage now where
- all she does is go on about who's just died.
- 321
- 00:26:44,194 --> 00:26:47,286
- "Do you remember Muriel?
- 322
- 00:26:47,286 --> 00:26:51,233
- "She's just died.
- 323
- 00:26:56,188 --> 00:26:59,773
- "Do you remember Arthur?
- 324
- 00:26:59,773 --> 00:27:02,891
- "He's just died."
- 325
- 00:27:04,041 --> 00:27:05,267
- I said, "Mum --
- 326
- 00:27:05,267 --> 00:27:09,865
- "Get off the roof and give me the gun."
- 327
- 00:27:11,847 --> 00:27:14,971
- Dara: The topic is School.
- 328
- 00:27:17,797 --> 00:27:23,065
- That last bloke was a bit weird, wasn't he?
- 329
- 00:27:25,634 --> 00:27:29,045
- Anyway, I went back to my old school the
- other day. First time in 30 years.
- 330
- 00:27:29,045 --> 00:27:30,908
- I took a note.
- 331
- 00:27:34,431 --> 00:27:38,341
- Teacher said, "So, Jones,
- what have you done with your life?"
- 332
- 00:27:38,341 --> 00:27:43,916
- I said, "Oh, I'm just Britain's top
- Ofsted inspector."
- 333
- 00:27:43,916 --> 00:27:47,924
- They were a lot nicer to me after that.
- 334
- 00:27:47,924 --> 00:27:50,446
- I was there for the funeral of
- my old science teacher.
- 335
- 00:27:50,446 --> 00:27:53,439
- They asked me to say a few words, so I did.
- 336
- 00:27:53,499 --> 00:27:55,651
- Method:
- 337
- 00:27:58,641 --> 00:28:02,712
- You put the coffin in the crematorium.
- 338
- 00:28:06,081 --> 00:28:08,549
- Observations:
- 339
- 00:28:09,719 --> 00:28:14,713
- It burned with an orangey bright flame.
- 340
- 00:28:20,321 --> 00:28:22,560
- Conclusion:
- 341
- 00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:25,881
- No more homework.
- 342
- 00:28:30,074 --> 00:28:33,099
- Dara: Transport is the topic.
- 343
- 00:28:38,117 --> 00:28:41,260
- So I've got my own private jet.
- 344
- 00:28:41,260 --> 00:28:45,582
- The rest of the jaccuzi belongs to my Mum.
- 345
- 00:28:52,042 --> 00:28:56,381
- If you've got a sat nav, don't put the name
- of the company you're visiting into it.
- 346
- 00:28:56,381 --> 00:28:58,881
- I tried to take some mayonnaise back the other day.
- 347
- 00:28:58,881 --> 00:29:02,293
- I ended up in Hellman province.
- 348
- 00:29:07,222 --> 00:29:09,699
- I mean, I've got a car,
- but there's nothing I like better
- 349
- 00:29:09,699 --> 00:29:12,861
- than making a bonfire
- on the passenger seat,
- 350
- 00:29:12,861 --> 00:29:15,954
- driving up and down,
- opening and shutting the electric sunroof,
- 351
- 00:29:15,954 --> 00:29:19,351
- and pretending to be a steam train.
- 352
- 00:29:21,041 --> 00:29:23,626
- My uncle, he was a taxi driver,
- 353
- 00:29:23,626 --> 00:29:29,255
- but then one day he left home
- without any indication.
- 354
- 00:29:33,274 --> 00:29:36,647
- So recently I was fell-walking
- in the Lake District.
- 355
- 00:29:36,647 --> 00:29:38,007
- Well, that's not quite true.
- 356
- 00:29:38,007 --> 00:29:42,571
- Recently I fell,
- walking in the Lake District.
- 357
- 00:29:42,868 --> 00:29:48,413
- I was gonna tell someone
- but the pillar box was full of Sugar Puffs.
- 358
- 00:29:51,191 --> 00:29:53,554
- Topic is History.
- 359
- 00:29:57,950 --> 00:30:00,491
- 348 B.C.
- 360
- 00:30:01,354 --> 00:30:07,486
- The breakfast cereal Frosties is invented
- by Alexander the Grrreat!
- 361
- 00:30:10,911 --> 00:30:16,665
- 303 A.D. St. George slays the dragon
- with his new invention, the sword.
- 362
- 00:30:16,665 --> 00:30:22,453
- The other dragons offer him all the money
- for 20% of the company.
- 363
- 00:30:25,060 --> 00:30:30,238
- 1896. H.G. Wells publishes the book
- The Time Machine.
- 364
- 00:30:30,238 --> 00:30:35,534
- 1897. H.G. Wells writes the book
- The Time Machine.
- 365
- 00:30:40,535 --> 00:30:47,361
- 2400 B.C. The Chinese merchant Xiang Xao,
- the man who discovered gunpowder,
- 366
- 00:30:47,361 --> 00:30:49,962
- is buried on the outskirts of Peking,
- 367
- 00:30:49,962 --> 00:30:54,061
- Western Shanghai,
- and parts of Nepal.
- 368
- 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:04,581
- 1571. You have no new messages.
- 369
- 00:31:09,151 --> 00:31:13,200
- And finally, 3642 A.D.
- 370
- 00:31:14,039 --> 00:31:16,806
- H.G. Wells is born.
- 371
- 00:31:20,821 --> 00:31:24,184
- Dara: And the subject is USA.
- 372
- 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:28,673
- So I've just come back from America.
- 373
- 00:31:28,673 --> 00:31:30,810
- Apparently.
- 374
- 00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:35,653
- While I was there I saw one of those
- very very very very large Americans.
- 375
- 00:31:35,653 --> 00:31:39,334
- He said he fitted kitchens.
- I said, "I bet you don't."
- 376
- 00:31:42,365 --> 00:31:44,933
- Went up to this girl,
- I said, "What's your name?"
- 377
- 00:31:44,933 --> 00:31:46,411
- She said, "Chantelle."
- 378
- 00:31:46,411 --> 00:31:49,714
- I said, "Well, if you're not
- gonna tell me your name ..."
- 379
- 00:31:51,577 --> 00:31:54,964
- I said, "What do you do for a living?"
- 380
- 00:31:54,964 --> 00:31:57,301
- She said, "Don't go there,
- don't go there, don't go there."
- 381
- 00:31:57,301 --> 00:32:00,283
- I said, "I hope you're not a travel agent."
- 382
- 00:32:01,788 --> 00:32:07,560
- When I was in America I bought tickets
- for the Bears vs the Cowboys.
- 383
- 00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,213
- Bit of a disappointment.
- 384
- 00:32:15,210 --> 00:32:17,996
- I wanted to see bears vs cowboys.
- 385
- 00:32:17,996 --> 00:32:21,950
- Then I bought tickets for the
- Giants vs the Jets.
- 386
- 00:32:21,950 --> 00:32:24,839
- Another missed opportunity.
- 387
- 00:32:24,839 --> 00:32:27,161
- [sound effects]
- 388
- 00:32:27,443 --> 00:32:30,111
- Then I bought tickets for
- the Packers vs the Dolphins.
- 389
- 00:32:30,111 --> 00:32:34,269
- Get in the box! Get in the box!
- [dolphin noises]
- 390
- 00:32:35,196 --> 00:32:37,472
- Thank you very much.
- 391
- 00:32:38,797 --> 00:32:41,481
- Dara: And the topic is School.
- 392
- 00:32:45,735 --> 00:32:48,141
- Recently I went to one of those
- awful school reunions,
- 393
- 00:32:48,141 --> 00:32:50,601
- where everyone's boasting about
- what they're up to now.
- 394
- 00:32:50,601 --> 00:32:52,748
- I said I work for the United Nations.
- 395
- 00:32:52,748 --> 00:32:57,702
- 'Cause I have been UNemployed for a while.
- 396
- 00:33:00,744 --> 00:33:03,738
- While I was there, a bloke came up to me
- with a scar on his face.
- 397
- 00:33:03,738 --> 00:33:05,261
- He said, "You don't remember me, do you?"
- 398
- 00:33:05,261 --> 00:33:08,656
- I said, "Are you Action Man?"
- 399
- 00:33:08,745 --> 00:33:11,038
- He said, "No, but I bet if you could go
- back in time,
- 400
- 00:33:11,038 --> 00:33:13,383
- "you'd pay more attention
- in my history lessons."
- 401
- 00:33:13,383 --> 00:33:20,446
- I said, "If I could go back in time,
- I wouldn't need your history lessons."
- 402
- 00:33:20,446 --> 00:33:27,916
- Then he stormed off to teach Year 9,
- which I presume is a tiny part of history.
- 403
- 00:33:30,135 --> 00:33:32,841
- My parents were so rich,
- to get me through my history exams,
- 404
- 00:33:32,841 --> 00:33:35,902
- I had my own private Tudor.
- 405
- 00:33:40,111 --> 00:33:43,133
- I loved reading at school. There's nothing
- like getting to the end of a good book
- 406
- 00:33:43,133 --> 00:33:47,260
- and thinking to yourself,
- "Ahh, there's Wally!"
- 407
- 00:33:48,279 --> 00:33:52,329
- Those forms to fill in to get to university
- are difficult, though, aren't they?
- 408
- 00:33:52,329 --> 00:33:57,341
- I ended up spending three years at
- the University of East Angola.
- 409
- 00:33:58,344 --> 00:34:01,122
- My grandfather...
- 410
- 00:34:02,450 --> 00:34:04,805
- He broke into a school the other day.
- 411
- 00:34:04,805 --> 00:34:09,295
- Said, "If it wasn't for me,
- you'd all be speaking German."
- 412
- 00:34:09,627 --> 00:34:13,297
- "That's right," said the German teacher.
- 413
- 00:34:19,262 --> 00:34:23,246
- [Grandfather's voice] It is not fair.
- I never got to do the job I wanted to do.
- 414
- 00:34:23,246 --> 00:34:28,048
- I wanted to be a farmer.
- 415
- 00:34:28,048 --> 00:34:32,436
- If only there was some way I could do it
- these days.
- 416
- 00:34:34,046 --> 00:34:39,372
- If only there were some computer game
- or something.
- 417
- 00:34:39,807 --> 00:34:41,902
- That's all, thank you!
- 418
- 00:34:41,902 --> 00:34:43,242
- Dara: Now the topic is Travel.
- 419
- 00:34:43,242 --> 00:34:45,519
- Away you go.
- 420
- 00:34:47,389 --> 00:34:52,124
- Strange things do happen.
- Once, once, I saw a little green man
- 421
- 00:34:52,124 --> 00:34:56,004
- and I walked towards him, and he just
- disappeared, and then I got run over.
- 422
- 00:35:01,886 --> 00:35:04,613
- Kuala Lumpur, that was
- a bit of a disappointment.
- 423
- 00:35:04,613 --> 00:35:08,909
- I always thought it was a bear
- crossed with an Oompa Loompa.
- 424
- 00:35:08,909 --> 00:35:12,615
- You know, clingy but quite hard-working.
- 425
- 00:35:13,945 --> 00:35:18,341
- I was in France recently. I saw this
- little old lady knitting in the town square.
- 426
- 00:35:18,341 --> 00:35:21,996
- I said, "Voulez vous crochet avec moi?"
- 427
- 00:35:24,265 --> 00:35:27,460
- She took it all the wrong way.
- 428
- 00:35:28,216 --> 00:35:32,209
- What with the financial situation,
- I'm not sure Ireland is gonna stay afloat.
- 429
- 00:35:32,209 --> 00:35:34,446
- Cork, maybe.
- 430
- 00:35:36,437 --> 00:35:40,889
- 11 days, it takes, to walk to Torquay
- holding the hand of a 7-year-old.
- 431
- 00:35:40,889 --> 00:35:43,528
- Well, that's what I thought.
- 432
- 00:35:43,528 --> 00:35:48,964
- It was his birthday treat. It turns out,
- he actually wanted a walkie-talkie.
- 433
- 00:35:50,721 --> 00:35:53,757
- I'm very English, really.
- I even ordered a book on the internet:
- 434
- 00:35:53,757 --> 00:35:57,762
- How to Have Absolutely Nothing
- to do With Your Neighbours.
- 435
- 00:35:57,762 --> 00:36:02,078
- Unfortunately I was out
- when it was delivered.
- 436
- 00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:11,216
- The topic is Romance.
- 437
- 00:36:18,422 --> 00:36:20,341
- I met my wife on the net.
- 438
- 00:36:20,341 --> 00:36:23,842
- We were both rubbish trapeze artists.
- 439
- 00:36:27,009 --> 00:36:30,188
- Terrible, isn't it, when someone
- doesn't want to live with you any more.
- 440
- 00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:33,219
- Part of you's thinking, "I don't think
- you're gonna survive in the real world."
- 441
- 00:36:33,219 --> 00:36:38,042
- Another part of you's thinking, "Well at
- least I'll be rid of your drunken arguing."
- 442
- 00:36:38,042 --> 00:36:43,962
- Ladies and gentlemen, we need to let
- the Scottish people go.
- 443
- 00:36:46,191 --> 00:36:48,927
- Any Scottish people here?
- [a few cheers from the audience]
- 444
- 00:36:48,927 --> 00:36:51,561
- You can go.
- 445
- 00:36:57,654 --> 00:36:59,674
- A girl came up to me the other day.
- 446
- 00:36:59,674 --> 00:37:02,332
- ♪ Footloose, footloose ♪
- 447
- 00:37:02,332 --> 00:37:04,890
- Then her foot fell off.
- 448
- 00:37:09,031 --> 00:37:11,979
- I tried to impress a girl once
- by putting my foot down on the pedal.
- 449
- 00:37:11,979 --> 00:37:16,447
- Turns out, she'd seen a bin
- open like that before.
- 450
- 00:37:21,784 --> 00:37:24,182
- A girl came up to me once, she said,
- 451
- 00:37:24,182 --> 00:37:27,983
- "You know, I can tell someone's personality
- by what kind of car they drive."
- 452
- 00:37:27,983 --> 00:37:31,689
- I said, "I haven't got one!"
- 453
- 00:37:35,258 --> 00:37:38,496
- So lads, so lads, do you ever get
- given a job to do,
- 454
- 00:37:38,496 --> 00:37:41,934
- and you deliberately do it
- really really badly,
- 455
- 00:37:41,934 --> 00:37:44,561
- so you never get given that job again?
- 456
- 00:37:44,561 --> 00:37:49,502
- I mean, I hardly know CPR anyway...
- 457
- 00:37:51,719 --> 00:37:54,473
- My wife's giving me the silent treatment
- at the moment.
- 458
- 00:37:54,473 --> 00:37:56,361
- Lying there, day after day.
- 459
- 00:37:56,361 --> 00:38:00,063
- Beginning to smell a bit now.
- 460
- 00:38:01,201 --> 00:38:06,008
- Because, again, speaking as a vegan...
- 461
- 00:38:06,008 --> 00:38:09,256
- - Oh, god...
- - Are you a vegan?
- 462
- 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,520
- Get on board, all right?
- 463
- 00:38:11,530 --> 00:38:14,387
- You guys disgust me.
- 464
- 00:38:14,387 --> 00:38:17,303
- You cheese-and meat-eating pricks.
- 465
- 00:38:17,303 --> 00:38:22,475
- Anyway, please, every part of the show,
- preface every topic we do with,
- 466
- 00:38:22,475 --> 00:38:25,041
- "As a vegan..."
- 467
- 00:38:25,420 --> 00:38:28,900
- Well, as a vegan...
- 468
- 00:38:31,266 --> 00:38:36,511
- I wanted to supplement my son's education
- so I'm helping him to learn to read.
- 469
- 00:38:36,511 --> 00:38:38,145
- It's one of the things that I'm doing.
- 470
- 00:38:38,145 --> 00:38:42,544
- Helping your child to read is one of the
- most magical and rewarding things
- 471
- 00:38:42,544 --> 00:38:43,982
- that you can do as a parent.
- 472
- 00:38:44,012 --> 00:38:46,236
- On day one.
- 473
- 00:38:47,853 --> 00:38:50,572
- After that, it's one of the most
- frustrating, annoying,
- 474
- 00:38:50,572 --> 00:38:54,280
- "I'd rather punch myself in the face
- repeatedly than ever do this again"
- 475
- 00:38:54,280 --> 00:38:56,802
- activity that you can ever do,
- and let me tell you why.
- 476
- 00:38:56,802 --> 00:39:00,964
- They do not care about making sense!
- 477
- 00:39:01,793 --> 00:39:05,417
- They'll just read all the easy words,
- and when they get to one they don't know,
- 478
- 00:39:05,417 --> 00:39:08,807
- instead of trying, they'll just look at
- the picture,
- 479
- 00:39:08,807 --> 00:39:11,211
- and just throw something random
- into the sentence
- 480
- 00:39:11,211 --> 00:39:15,776
- without any regard for what effect
- that has on what they're saying.
- 481
- 00:39:15,776 --> 00:39:18,751
- I'm supposed to not get angry.
- 482
- 00:39:18,751 --> 00:39:21,405
- I'm supposed to not get angry
- when my son goes,
- 483
- 00:39:21,405 --> 00:39:26,745
- "Jack. Went. Strawberry?"
- 484
- 00:39:27,432 --> 00:39:30,734
- How could that be what it said?
- How could it be, "Jack went strawberry"?
- 485
- 00:39:30,734 --> 00:39:32,423
- What are you talking about?
- 486
- 00:39:32,423 --> 00:39:34,427
- What would that even look like?
- 487
- 00:39:34,427 --> 00:39:36,745
- How could that be what it said?
- Tell me.
- 488
- 00:39:36,745 --> 00:39:40,946
- I'll tell you what, you think that's what
- it said, you go strawberry now. Go on.
- 489
- 00:39:40,946 --> 00:39:42,814
- Go strawberry.
- That's what you think it said.
- 490
- 00:39:42,934 --> 00:39:46,095
- Stop crying and go strawberry.
- 491
- 00:39:46,095 --> 00:39:47,893
- Go strawberry!
- 492
- 00:39:47,893 --> 00:39:51,258
- Why aren't you doing it?
- Go kiwi, then, I don't give a shit.
- 493
- 00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:52,680
- You're not doing it, are you?
- I'll tell you why not.
- 494
- 00:39:52,680 --> 00:39:55,601
- 'Cause it doesn't make any bloody sense.
- 495
- 00:39:56,145 --> 00:39:58,915
- My wife thinks I'm overreacting.
- 496
- 00:39:59,565 --> 00:40:01,954
- Thank you very much, Romesh.
- 497
- 00:40:03,121 --> 00:40:06,058
- OK, that leaves us with Milton.
- 498
- 00:40:06,058 --> 00:40:09,221
- So let's see what you've been left with,
- Milton. Let's spin the wheel.
- 499
- 00:40:09,919 --> 00:40:13,225
- And the topic is Family.
- 500
- 00:40:24,298 --> 00:40:26,802
- My uncle, he was a cruel man.
- 501
- 00:40:26,802 --> 00:40:29,808
- He knew we lived in a bungalow,
- yet every year for Christmas,
- 502
- 00:40:29,808 --> 00:40:32,951
- we always got a Slinky.
- 503
- 00:40:35,669 --> 00:40:39,272
- It's a miracle my sister's getting married.
- I went to the printer's to get the invites,
- 504
- 00:40:39,272 --> 00:40:41,881
- and he said, "What typeface?"
- and I went ...
- 505
- 00:40:45,841 --> 00:40:48,512
- She seems to like him.
- 506
- 00:40:49,827 --> 00:40:53,475
- My grandfather, during the war,
- he broke the Enigma code...
- 507
- 00:40:53,475 --> 00:40:55,034
- machine.
- 508
- 00:40:57,935 --> 00:40:59,801
- Then he went AWOL.
- 509
- 00:40:59,801 --> 00:41:04,140
- Well, that's not quite true.
- Then he became an owl.
- 510
- 00:41:05,186 --> 00:41:09,319
- My grandmother, she's been talking
- about downsizing, and now
- 511
- 00:41:09,319 --> 00:41:12,335
- she's in a little urn.
- 512
- 00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:21,302
- My other grandmother,
- she was a children's writer.
- 513
- 00:41:21,302 --> 00:41:24,402
- You may have seen her book,
- Jack Goes Strawberry.
- 514
- 00:41:31,601 --> 00:41:36,821
- I haven't always been popular with
- my family, as a vegan.
- 515
- 00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:43,916
- That doesn't normally work.
- 516
- 00:41:46,323 --> 00:41:48,101
- Recently my family all clubbed together
- 517
- 00:41:48,101 --> 00:41:52,421
- and got me a voucher
- for a clinic in Switzerland.
- 518
- 00:41:54,131 --> 00:41:56,121
- The topic is Home.
- 519
- 00:42:00,244 --> 00:42:02,864
- My mum's a bit like the Beijing government.
- 520
- 00:42:03,324 --> 00:42:07,769
- When you go round,
- you only see the nice china.
- 521
- 00:42:16,630 --> 00:42:24,687
- I was smacked as a child, but you should
- see the state of the home I put my parents in.
- 522
- 00:42:24,687 --> 00:42:28,078
- I grew up in a home that was always
- full of exciting and exotic items,
- 523
- 00:42:28,078 --> 00:42:29,858
- from all over the world.
- 524
- 00:42:29,858 --> 00:42:33,698
- 'Cause my parents were both
- baggage handlers.
- 525
- 00:42:35,290 --> 00:42:37,439
- These days I live in a windmill.
- 526
- 00:42:37,439 --> 00:42:42,708
- It's not a big windmill. To be honest,
- golf balls keep coming through the front door.
- 527
- 00:42:46,231 --> 00:42:48,294
- The other day I lost my doormat.
- 528
- 00:42:48,294 --> 00:42:53,704
- Fortunately, I keep a spare under a giant
- bunch of keys in the front garden.
- 529
- 00:42:56,534 --> 00:42:59,455
- As a child, I had a medical condition
- that meant I had to eat
- 530
- 00:42:59,455 --> 00:43:02,964
- soil three times a day in order to survive.
- 531
- 00:43:02,964 --> 00:43:07,033
- Lucky my older brother told me about it,
- really.
- 532
- 00:43:10,486 --> 00:43:12,527
- He later died of massive head injuries.
- 533
- 00:43:12,527 --> 00:43:17,587
- He was hit over the head with a toblerone.
- 534
- 00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:20,208
- Thank you very much, Milton Jones!
- 535
- 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:24,136
- Dara: And the topic is Entertainment.
- 536
- 00:43:26,232 --> 00:43:28,905
- I'm reading a book at the moment.
- It's called The Anticlimax.
- 537
- 00:43:28,905 --> 00:43:30,930
- The first part is good.
- 538
- 00:43:35,533 --> 00:43:39,341
- I see Rihanna had to cancel a concert
- because she got salmonella.
- 539
- 00:43:39,341 --> 00:43:41,817
- Ella. Ella.
- 540
- 00:43:43,793 --> 00:43:47,686
- I also see that down by the Thames
- they're making another wheel,
- 541
- 00:43:47,686 --> 00:43:49,672
- this time dedicated to Mary Poppins,
- 542
- 00:43:49,672 --> 00:43:54,452
- called the London Um-diddle-iddle-
- iddle-um-diddle-eye.
- 543
- 00:43:58,721 --> 00:44:02,356
- My grandmother, she got her scarf caught
- in one of those ferris wheels,
- 544
- 00:44:02,356 --> 00:44:07,252
- but she did regain consciousness.
- After all, what goes around...
- 545
- 00:44:11,527 --> 00:44:15,641
- I was in a Nativity play once.
- I was the man who scares the children
- 546
- 00:44:15,641 --> 00:44:21,241
- 'cause he comes into the hall on the
- wrong day to play badminton.
- 547
- 00:44:23,977 --> 00:44:27,746
- Lionel Richie says hello, by the way.
- 548
- 00:44:31,614 --> 00:44:34,442
- The other day I saw sheep pole-dancing.
- 549
- 00:44:34,442 --> 00:44:36,983
- In a kebab shop.
- 550
- 00:44:39,597 --> 00:44:42,720
- The subject is Work.
- 551
- 00:44:46,607 --> 00:44:50,260
- I didn't think I'd get a loan from the bank
- for my knitting business,
- 552
- 00:44:50,260 --> 00:44:55,077
- but when I turned up actually wearing
- one of the balaclavas...
- 553
- 00:44:59,393 --> 00:45:03,610
- I used to be a weatherman. In fact,
- does anyone want to buy a broken barometer?
- 554
- 00:45:03,610 --> 00:45:05,728
- No pressure.
- 555
- 00:45:08,079 --> 00:45:10,696
- If there'd been a mix-up, my uncle could
- have ended up as the next
- 556
- 00:45:10,696 --> 00:45:13,572
- president of the United States.
- He's an undertaker in the army,
- 557
- 00:45:13,572 --> 00:45:17,006
- or barrack embalmer.
- 558
- 00:45:23,381 --> 00:45:25,870
- Soldiers, of course, very emotionally repressed.
- 559
- 00:45:25,870 --> 00:45:28,601
- Sometimes you see one of them go into the
- middle of a parade ground and shout,
- 560
- 00:45:28,601 --> 00:45:30,597
- "Attention!"
- 561
- 00:45:32,457 --> 00:45:35,821
- What he needs is a hug.
- 562
- 00:45:35,821 --> 00:45:38,566
- Well, that's what I thought.
- 563
- 00:45:39,552 --> 00:45:43,303
- My Dad, he was a soldier, so of course as
- a family we were always moving around a lot
- 564
- 00:45:43,303 --> 00:45:47,410
- 'cause he used to use us
- for target practice.
- 565
- 00:45:48,212 --> 00:45:51,142
- Six hours I had to wait in the other day
- for the electrician,
- 566
- 00:45:51,142 --> 00:45:56,593
- 'til he opened the cupboard under the stairs
- and I was able to leap out at him.
- 567
- 00:45:59,415 --> 00:46:02,712
- I remember, when I was a policeman,
- I was asked to seal off an area,
- 568
- 00:46:02,712 --> 00:46:05,881
- and I went, [barks like a seal].
- 569
- 00:46:07,321 --> 00:46:09,338
- That's all for me, thank you.
- 570
- 00:46:10,311 --> 00:46:14,076
- And the topic is Medicine.
- 571
- 00:46:15,935 --> 00:46:20,040
- I have to go to the chemist soon
- to collect my prescription.
- 572
- 00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:22,841
- Not from PC World, like last time.
- 573
- 00:46:22,841 --> 00:46:26,760
- Those tablets were very difficult to swallow.
- 574
- 00:46:30,397 --> 00:46:33,741
- Recently I went to the chiropractor's, or
- as they call them in the capital of Egypt,
- 575
- 00:46:33,741 --> 00:46:36,195
- the practor's.
- 576
- 00:46:40,121 --> 00:46:43,809
- I put my back out trying to shoot horses,
- but it turns out the World Health Organization
- 577
- 00:46:43,809 --> 00:46:47,647
- aren't trying to eradicate polo.
- 578
- 00:46:49,683 --> 00:46:52,481
- My Dad was a doctor, my Mum was a nurse.
- They had six children.
- 579
- 00:46:52,481 --> 00:46:55,935
- We all left home early.
- Well, they needed the beds.
- 580
- 00:46:57,137 --> 00:47:02,081
- I remember the birthday I asked for
- that game, Operation.
- 581
- 00:47:02,381 --> 00:47:05,806
- Three years I waited.
- 582
- 00:47:10,593 --> 00:47:12,468
- I was talking to a nurse the other day.
- 583
- 00:47:12,468 --> 00:47:18,241
- She said the main problem facing the NHS
- is Holby City.
- 584
- 00:47:18,241 --> 00:47:22,989
- Actually, she might have said "obesity."
- 585
- 00:47:24,329 --> 00:47:27,392
- Sometimes when I'm sitting next to Rob
- I feel like a bus driver,
- 586
- 00:47:27,392 --> 00:47:31,719
- with a guy just standing up front
- talking to him.
- 587
- 00:47:31,719 --> 00:47:34,212
- Dara: Transport.
- 588
- 00:47:35,985 --> 00:47:41,217
- So I was on the bus the other day. Driver
- stopped, got off, wouldn't come back.
- 589
- 00:47:41,217 --> 00:47:44,977
- Apparently some bloke with
- big teeth kept talking to him.
- 590
- 00:47:53,316 --> 00:47:57,029
- Before that, though, I overheard
- a mermaid on the bus.
- 591
- 00:47:57,029 --> 00:48:03,757
- She said, "I like sitting on the beach,
- but my other half likes swimming."
- 592
- 00:48:06,518 --> 00:48:12,051
- Anyway, reading between the lines
- is dangerous if you're waiting for a train.
- 593
- 00:48:14,221 --> 00:48:18,581
- Anyway, I did a show in Liverpool recently
- and afterwards a bloke came up to me
- 594
- 00:48:18,581 --> 00:48:22,365
- and said, "Hey, listen. I wanna talk."
- 595
- 00:48:22,365 --> 00:48:25,831
- I said, "Well, just keep practicing."
- 596
- 00:48:31,235 --> 00:48:36,881
- Next month I'm in Northern Ireland,
- County Down, 4-3-2-
- 597
- 00:48:39,177 --> 00:48:42,371
- I don't need a relationship. I'm a rock.
- I'm an island.
- 598
- 00:48:42,371 --> 00:48:46,161
- Sometimes I go down to airport arrivals
- and I stand with a piece of cardboard
- 599
- 00:48:46,161 --> 00:48:48,630
- saying, "No one."
- 600
- 00:48:52,553 --> 00:48:57,294
- Well, I did that 'til I had to give a lift
- to a Mr. Noone.
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