I don't know how long it has been. Ages, just an instant...it really doesn't matter anymore.

They say all your life passes before your eyes when you die. I wish it were true. If I could only stop this suffering and be done with this cursed existence I now have to bear, every day a carbon copy of the previous one.

Days. A funny way to describe this blurred veil of gray that now swallows all that I was.

Sometimes they let me look at her. they let me wander the streets I once walked, distracted and buried in problems that now pale in the face of true despair.

How naive, humans. How clueless, how lost.

How I wish I could get back.

I look in through the window. There she is. So beautiful. So perfect. If I still have a face, I guess I'm smiling.

Grabbing a cup of tea, she sits on our couch and smiles as she looks at nowhere. Then I realize she's just crying in silence.

I slowly move through the window and stand right in front of her. She's even more beautiful than I remember. Am I starting to forget? Maybe I'm fading. I don't know what happens to us after we're gone.

Not that I care anymore.

"I love you. I'm here," I whisper. I raise my hand, or the faint shape that is now my hand, and slightly put it against her face. "I miss you so much..."

Nothing.

This pain hurts more than a thousand deaths. The longing to feel her skin. The knowing that it will never happen.

She raises her head all of a sudden. She's looking right at me.

"It's me, honey. It's really me." My eyes widen as I reach her hand.

"No!" She yells. "Stop!"

Then she gets up and walks right past me, to the other side of the room. She grabs an empty glass right before the cat knocks it over our bookshelf.

Of course it was the cat.

I slowly walk out the door and instinctively my hand goes to the doorknob. I chuckle.

If I still have a face, I sure as hell am crying.

I won't ever come back. I don't want to suffer like this. The agony is unbearable. Maybe I should just let go, let the Oblivion take me.

"Let go," I would always tell her, when things didn't go her way.

But I don't want to let her go. I don't want to forget her face, her smile, how much I loved her.

"Next time will be better," I kid myself as I fade into the blackness one more time.

If only I could remember her name.