alea

I want to take a second to talk about something that has probably impacted my life the greatest out of anything. It was my friendship with Alea. It was probably the most emotional abusive relationship I had ever been in, and for a lot of reasons made life a hell of a lot harder for me since then.

When I was friends with her it was always a push and pull of her being cold & annoyed at me, putting me down, and then she would show speckles of kindness when she saw I was moving too far away from her. She pushed me to do drugs and then used me as a scapegoat when she was caught doing them herself. She would steal things while I was around her in stores and would put us both in danger. She would tell her parents horrible lies about me that were really stories of herself.

She secluded me from all of the friends I had in my life to the point where it was just us two. When I tried to tell someone else about what she had been doing, she went on their computer and scrolled through our entire conversations without consent. After that she spread rumor after rumor about me to a friend group who because of this stopped hanging out with me and pushed me out. After Kevin died she would make up lies about the situations and her feelings to fuck me up even more.

And the worst part of all of this? I miss her, I miss her madly. She was my best friend and we were inseperable for years, how could I not miss her? After all of the horrible abusive shit she put me through. She was one of the few people who ever got me as a person and when the good times were good they were great! But when she would give me the silent treatment for weeks and treat me like I didn't exist or as if she didn't even know me, that was when I was the most suicidal I had ever been.

It was a scary time because you learn to love someone even if they hurt you and treat you like shit and you think that that is just the norm. Now because of the gaslighting she put me through and lies she filled my head with I have horrible social anxiety, when people see me after not seeing me in a few years they can't even hold a conversation with me because I can't make eye contact and I just shut down. After Alea cut me off completley because she realized she couldn't manipulate me anymore, I didn't leave the house for months. Even now, I have trouble doing everyday things that I used to do. Yet, I can't bring myself to hate her. I see her in my everyday actions and sometimes in the tone in my voice and mannerisms and it disgusts me.

I don't know what I'm going to do.