We found a month old kitten back in August. He seemed fine at first, but it turns out he is, in the vet's words, "Built all wrong." His back legs and hips are fucked, and his growth is stunted at about the size of a 6 month old kitten. He's terribly inbred, and kind of a lunatic. He doesn't keep concepts like "don't do this or you get in trouble" in his head (we tried training him, we've never had a problem doing this for any cat in the past), and he thinks the proper response to anything he doesn't like is to rear up on his hind legs and attack, thankfully without claws or teeth. But that does include simply walking past and not feeding him. He's just a small ball of uncomprehending, cross-eyed rage and poor wiring. He also runs into walls and furniture constantly, and he loses his little crippled shit over balled up paper, which often *causes* him to run into walls and furniture. He sleeps in the paper recycling bin with all our junk mail. He doesn't paw at doors, he licks them.

We adopted another cat, about 6 months older than him, in January. The other cat is like the dictionary example of perfect feline poise and prowess. When he is standing absolutely still. Otherwise he's every single episode of Jackass and Fast & Furious movie crammed into 14 pounds of pure muscle. We have wood floors throughout most of the house, linoleum and tile elsewhere, with a few carpets. He hurls himself around at warp 9.9 everywhere. His feet aren't even under him most of the time, he just slides around. He's a thief, and he takes whatever he's stolen down to the basement. We haven't found his stash yet. He prefers to be held upside down, with his head and paws dangling. If you try to pick him up normally he'll twist in your arms until he's in that position.

It wouldn't be so bad if they got along. The smaller cat wants to play, but he weighs a whole 6 pounds, so the bigger one just knocks him around. They can't even play with toys together because the smaller one is also nearsighted. If we have the laser pointer out the bigger one becomes the fucking Predator, and the smaller one loses it 10 seconds later, and stands around confused.

We love them both, very dearly, but they are the absolute worst and most entertaining cats. Currently they have to be kept separate while we do physical therapy on the smaller one in preparation for surgery to repair his patellas. The bigger one gets very jealous when this happens, and tries to shove himself through the gap under the door to reach him. Since he can't do that, he takes every common toy between them and hides them in the basement.