F4A Save Me, my Valiant SO!

[F4A] Save Me, my Valiant SO!!

Suggested Tags: [gfe][cute][nerdy sweet girl][deadly spider][silly][timely rescue][cuddling in bed][giggles][playful][wholesome][vanilla][no sex][surprise ending]

Premise:  Listener comes home to find their girlfriend ‘trapped’ on the sofa. They are standing on said sofa with slipper in hand. Apparently there was a huge spider, and she refuses to get down without rescue. All the cuteness ensues.  {Listener is gender neutral, but I give permission for you to suit your whims if you wish to make it less ambiguous and more gender directed.}


							[Suggested SFX] (Vocal Cues) *Emphasis*



[Sounds of door opening, then closing. Maybe keys set down.]

(These first lines are called from another room.)

Honey? Is that you?

Yeah, I’m here. I’m in the living room.

(Hesitant) Well, no I-- I’m kinda trapped at the moment.

I need your help.

Uh, well-- (Rushed, getting frazzled) can you just come in here, already please?!

[Pause for a few moments, maybe light padding of feet on carpet. Now they are in the same room.]

(Not amused) Don’t you say a word… (Slightly annoyed, slightly amused) Hey! And don’t laugh!

I know that I look ridiculous, b-- (Cut off by their comment.)

(Defensive, but feeling silly) Hey! There really was a spider that time! And this time too! I’m serious! Yes-- It was HUGE!

(Cringing, disgusted tone when recalling.)

Well I was just sitting here watching TV, minding my own business--waiting for you to get home and this 8 legged chihuahua scurries from under the chair and comes right for me on this couch!  My glasses? Well I think I left them in the kitchen, but glasses or not, we can not be dealing with anything smaller than a tarantula!

(Sarcastic) Oh, ha - ha! Laugh all you want but I’m pretty sure it was a planned attack, he was coming for me! Wha-why didn’t I just run? I tried but when I looked down I couldn’t see the damn thing anymore, and I … I got scared that the minute I step off the couch he’d run out too and possibly get my feet! I’ve been waiting for my valiant significant other to make it home to save me.

(Exasperated but not too annoyed) Oh shut up! There’s plenty you’re scared of, so don’t tease.

(Calmer) Thank you.

And thank goodness you came home for lunch! (Giggles, then pleading) Now please, kill the beast.

(Pause.)  Okay, but be careful… he’s huge. Mmhmm. Just under the couch…  Here, you can use this.

I know it’s just a slipper, but it’s all I have. Yeah okay, you use your shoe. (Small chuckle.)

(Consider improv commentary or noises as they watch their lover hunt the spider under the couch.)

(Small noise of surprise.) Ooh! Did you get him? (Grossed out noise!)

Th-that’s the spider? (Confused) No… that’s not the one, honey. You need to check again.

What do I mean it’s not the one? It-It’s not! I’m serious.

(Not angry, but mildly defensive) The one I saw was like *at least* nine times bigger! I swear!!

Well (Sassy) *obviously* this spider is the decoy. Yes, a decoy!! This is just a soldier to the general…

(Faltering) ...whom I am sure is *still* under this couch! (Touch whiny?) Stop laughing!

Yes! I told you, the thing was huge, that was not the one, it was basically a tarantula… I will not get off this couch!

(Pause, listening, then defiant) No!

(Coddling, but firm) Don’t get me wrong, I am very appreciative that you killed *a* spider, however you did not manage to kill *the* spider, which means if it’s not down there the- (Cut off with a noise of surprise.)

Oof!

What are you doing? (Almost laughing) Put me down!

This doesn’t solve anything! Throwing me over your shoulder doesn’t kill that… that thing!

(Calming) Oh? You’re rescuing me?  (Giggle, then sultry)  You’re going to save me? Mmm, my hero. Rescue me harder, baby.

(Laugh.)

[Optional sounds of footsteps on carpet.]

This is more like it. Now, where are you taking me, my dutiful saviour?

The bedroom, huh? Are you sure that’s wise? (Amused laughter) OH? Is that so?

It’s the safest room in all the castle, hmm?

(Playful) I guess I’ll have to trust you, I mean, what sort of grateful damsel would I be if I made a habit of doubting my sexy knight in shining armor?

(Giggle.)

[Sounds of being put down, rustling/sliding along bed covers for a moment as she speaks.]

Mmm… I don’t know about the safest, but definitely one of the most comfortable spots. It’s certainly better than being trapped with a monster underneath me.

Mmhmm. Just missing something, (Small squeak) Oh! There you are. (Giggle.)

There we go, *perfect*.

(Softly) Well actually just one more thing… c’mere.

[Soft kiss(es).]

Mmm, feels nice, right? It seems the least I can do for the one who saved me.

(Giggle.)

I agree.

(Flirty) Tell me, dear knight -- whatever can I give you for rescuing me so?

(Giggle) Another kiss, hmm?  I can do that.

[A few kisses.]

Yes, that was a few more than required, but if I recall correctly, this is not the first time you’ve come to my aid.
So we will just say that I’m working off that damsel-in-distress tab. (Giggle.)

[Another kiss.]

Truly though, is this all that you want? Do my lips satisfy you for all that I owe you?

(Small giggle.)

Oh? You just enjoy the company I offer you, hmm?

Well, how about some cuddles? I would feel even safer in your arms, or your fearsome body coiled around mine.

Mmhmm. Yeah, like that, being held by you is my favorite…

(Small giggle.)

Yessss…. And your hand playing with my hand. (Sigh.)

You know just what I like.

(Pause a few moments with just content breathing, maybe a kiss or two.)

Hmm? Oh… I’m just thinking about all the times you’ve rescued me.

(Laugh.)

I mean, was every time as daring and intense as saving me from a monstrous, deadly spider? Noo…

Well, I mean, *almost* saved me… I’ve not seen a carcass of that huge thing yet so I’m convinced it’s still out there. This is more of an escape.

But doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate your heroism.

Oh yeah, I appreciate it big time, love.

(Giggle.)

Yes, absolutely.

(Soft kiss.)  Hmm?  No, no package came today. Were you expecting one? … Oh. Well, nope, didn’t see anything. (Pause.) Why are you giggling? What did you order?!  (Suspicious) Nothing, huh? … We’ll see about that…

(Few moments of pause, breathing.)

(Playful) Do you remember your very first rescue of this poor distressed damsel?

Yep… You’re right. I remember it clear as day. You saved me from that vicious viper!  I don’t care what you say, no garden snake has the fangs and serpentine length of that creature. Thank goodness you were able to capture it and banish it from our home. (Playful) I’m a little disappointed in my sweet champion for not banishing or vanquishing the monster that assaulted me today, buuut…

(A little sad) No, hey, I’m only teasing. You don’t have to. It was terrifying!

(Defensive) What type was it? How would I know? A poisonous type that could take down a small dog for all I could tell. And it looked brown...ish. I don’t need to see anything else to know it’s disgusting. And creepy. And ugly.

I told you, I was minding my own business when it scurried across the floor!

Just… come here, okay? We can cuddle and forget about that vile creature.

(Defeated) I… No… I guess you’re right.

I would *never* be able to go back into that room knowing it might still be there.

You’re really going to kill it?

I’m telling you… it was big. Be careful! If you’re going below the couch again, it might sneak up on you. And eat your face… Or worse! Become your face! I’m sorry, but that would be a deal-breaker. I can’t be together with someone who has a spider for a face.

(Laughs, then apologetic) I know! I’m just trying to make light of the situation, okay? I know you find this amusing but I’m honestly, truly scared of spiders… you know that. And I have a lot of confidence in you but I did not like the size of that thing, I don’t want it to bite you.

Let me at least give you a kiss goodbye!

[Kiss.]

Okay then. Godspeed, brave warrior! Slay the beast residing underneath our couch, so I can finish my show.

A reward? Yes, of course. Your reward will be a very happy lady to hold and snuggle with!

(Small concern) Seriously though, darling -- don’t risk getting a spider bite. We can call pest control if needs be.

But you wanna play hero, so off you go! Don’t come back until you can bring me its head!

No. Please. Don’t actually do that. I will never forgive you if you come back with that thing in your hands. Just flush it down the toilet or something.

(Playfully demanding) No more delays! The battle lies that-a-way! Godspeed, my love!

(These lines are from another room)

Yes, under the couch, not the armchair.

It’s probably hiding!

If… if you die… Yell really loudly.

What? No way! I won’t come to save you! I will run away and call the police!

Why police? Because they have guns!

I agree. It’s a stupid idea, so kill it now and we won’t have to go down that road!

(Scared/worried) What happened? Why did you scream? Honey? Are you okay?

Phew… Good. I told you it would scare you too! It was freakish huge! Did you kill it?

The spider is no more, you say? (Relieved) Good. Now get back in this bed with me so we can finish some lunchtime snuggles.

Why… why are you laughing? Come there? Why?  Nuh-Uh - I’m not coming in there, you’re up to something...

[Pause for a few moments, maybe light padding of feet on carpet her way.]

[No longer calling out.]

(A little scared) Wha-what’s that? What are you hiding behind you?

[Rustle of bedding/springs.] No! Don’t show me! I don’t want to see.

YES! I’m hiding under the covers! What’s wrong with you!?

Take it out of here! This isn’t funny, babe!

No, I won’t get out from the covers until after you flush that thing down the toilet.

Honey, please. Don’t make me. I really don’t want to see.

What do you mean I want to? It’s not what I think it is…? Are… are you trying to trick me?

Do NOT put it on me. I swear if you do… Do not do it! Don’t get on this bed, oh my god!

(Terrified scream) It’s moving! You didn’t even kill it! I feel it walking on my body! I can hear it’s breathing!

(Realization) Spiders… don’t breathe like that. It kind of sounds like… Hang on...

[Sound of covers getting dragged off.]

[Puppy noises for a few seconds and then throughout.]

(Confused/happy) Oh my god! A puppy! It’s a chihuahua… Oh my gosh! What is she doing here?

(Bubbly talk to the puppy) She’s so cute! Hey there little girl!

What? I would never say this cutie is a monster!

Wait… Shit. Is this the spider I saw? It is, isn’t it?

No! Don’t even say it! I don’t want to hear. I know, my glasses…

But… what is she doing here? How did she get in?

The package? That’s what was so funny then? You left the present box in the kitchen for me and wanted it to surprise me when I found it… That seems like a terrible idea. Well, at least you put some food and water in there with her.

God, I feel so silly, I can’t believe it! I’ve been so all over today I must’ve missed it, plus with the headache I haven’t been wearing my glasses.

(Almost emotional) Oh my goodness baby!  I love her, she’s the cutest little thing ever! (Laughs) No, she doesn’t look anything like a spider, you jerk. Such a sweet gift!  So you think she ran at me and then was scared to come out? Oh! She was asleep?! Poor baby doll! She was afraid to come out and fell asleep waiting! Aww! I’m sorry, you little angel.

What about you?!  (Giggles) OH my, yes. You will still get your reward.

(Kisses, playful.)

Thank you so much, honey… I love her already…

Now come cuddle with your two girls and let’s think of a name for our little monster.

(Giggle.)