Pain and the losses that are yet to come. (LC11)

[14:30] <staApp|online> [>Cyma: Be in the armchair, still dabbing at your ears. The bleeding will stop on its own after a while, you know.]
[14:30] <staApp|online> [Frog and Ring, do you know.]
[14:30] <@esotericRemnant> [You knock softly on the door. "You here?"]
[14:31] <staApp|online> ["Yeah. 'm herrre." You're rolling your 'r's again - you haven't done /that/ in a while. James' comments cut to the quick, though.]
[14:33] <@esotericRemnant> [You open the door, your expression grim. You take in the blood and take out your med-pack. "I'd advise you against listening to corruption influenced talk, but I'm pretty sure you already know that." You take out what you need to check her ear, but its hard to tell anything. Its both alien and very bloody.]
[14:36] <staApp|online> [It is! You grump back at him. "Wasn't listening on purrrpose. Just happened - not like I /asked/ James to come on orrr anything stupid like that."]
[14:37] <staApp|online> [The blood makes it hard to tell, but she certainly still seems able to hear well enough. So it's likely that there's no permanent damage.]
[14:38] <@esotericRemnant> ["Yes, I know." You grimace, nothing you can really see right now. It doesn't seem that bad, hearings not affected. You apply a bandage to slow down the bleeding, the body is very good at repairing itself. Satisfied at the work you move in front of her. "Alright, hug." You open your arms.]
[14:41] <staApp|online> [You wrap your arm around him and, intentionally or not, end up half-pulling him into your lap.]
[14:41] <staApp|online> ["Worrrst parrrt is that he's /rrright/."]
[14:42] <@esotericRemnant> ["About what?" You don't protest or resist at the pulling in. Patient's needs come first.]
[14:44] <staApp|online> ["If I'd been a betterrr daughterrr, maybe he wouldn't have gotten his tentacles on herrr /again/!" You don't, quite, wail this.]
[14:48] <@esotericRemnant> [You stop yourself from sighing. "You can't live your life on what could have happened. You need to learn from your past, but you can't let it rule you." You pat her back gently. "Focus on what you can do and what you will do in the future. You're not the reason she went off."]
[14:56] <staApp|online> ["Doesn't mean I /helped/ any..." You manage not to sniffle, trying to listen to what he's telling you. You can't undo what's been done, after all - Time taught you that well enough.]
[14:58] <@esotericRemnant> ["I can hardly imagine you deliberately antagonizing her or being a bad daughter or friend. Sometimes people don't want to listen despite everyone trying to reach out." You give her a solid squeeze.]
[15:01] <staApp|online> ["/Am/, though...if I'd been a good daughter, I'd have been /talking/ to her more often, or at least /trying/ to..." You've been withdrawing a lot, in fact. His squeeze gets a startled almost-purr out of you. If it weren't for the difference in size and scent, you could almost let yourself believe it was Toni hugging you.]
[15:03] <@esotericRemnant> ["From what I've heard, she wasn't talking to anyone. You can't blame yourself for that. Besides, you were on a Ring voyage, time is strange out there, you can hardly blame yourself for that either."]
[15:04] <staApp|online> ["Could've at least sent her a message every day, though - not like they wouldn't have gotten delivered /eventually/." But you didn't do that for /anyone/, did you? Not even Brahim and Toni.]
[15:08] <@esotericRemnant> ["Timewolf. You can't beat yourself up over this. What is done is /done/." You move back, place your hands on her shoulders and look her in the eyes. "You have to keep moving forward, knowing that you can't do this again."]
[15:11] <staApp|online> [You look back at him, miserable. "But I should've done /better/!" You're startled as he pulls back, but you don't try and keep him from doing so.]
[15:13] <@esotericRemnant> ["Yes, you should have. Now what are you going to /do/ about it? How does beating yourself here and now help /anyone/?" You're words are forceful, but kind.]
[15:19] <staApp|online> [They still get a blank stare, though. You aren't sure how to /fix/ this - how do you get an Other's tentacles off your mother? Or get hold of your moirail so that you can spend as much time with her as possible, when she hasn't even logged on since she left her last session?[
[15:21] <@esotericRemnant> ["Come on, lets get some food and drink into you. If theres nothing you can do for them right now then you have to look after yourself." You get up and hold a hand out to her.]
[15:24] <staApp|online> [You take his hand and get to your feet, "..'kay." You let him lead the way - your kitchen is easy enough to find. Kitchens, rather - the layout of your Replayee's apartment means that there's one to every floor.]
[15:26] <@esotericRemnant> [You find it and sit her down gently. Uncaptchaing a loaf of bred and a bacon wrap. Cutting up a slice and sticking it between two slices of bread.  "Anything specific you want to drink?" You ask her as you place the sandwich down in front of her.]
[15:29] <staApp|online> ["Orange juice?" You're pretty sure that's good for blood loss. Frog knows that Sarai and the other Life player gave you it often enough. You start to eat your sandwich, moving mostly on automatic.]
[15:31] <@esotericRemnant> [You alchemize some from the alimentator you carry around and place a glace down in front of her, making a sandwich for yourself. You sit down and think she needs to get her mind off of it. "I said I'd give you a raincheck on that story. Did you want to hear it now? Or did you want me to tell a different one."]
[15:34] <staApp|online> [You sip at your juice, considering. "If you wanna tell it, I'd like to hear it, yeah." It'll be a distraction from what just happened, at least.]
[15:53] <@esotericRemnant> [Your voice is quiet, its been years but you can hardly forget it. "It was my second session. Guard of Might. Six player session."]
[15:54] <@esotericRemnant> [You sigh. "It was...confusing for me. Fresh out of my native, no friends, no one I knew. And the first thing that happens is one of my coplayers goes dark. Not even a week in. So I go looking for him."]
[15:55] <staApp|online> [You listen quietly, nibbling slowly at your sandwich and making sure to drink your juice.]
[15:56] <@esotericRemnant> ["Logan, he was a Mage of Light. I found his computer open to the guide. Its how I found about the memo and everything else. I asked for help, but everyone said it'd be fine, he was just being a cagey Mage." You rub your temples.]
[15:57] <staApp|online> [You snort. "/I/ was Mage, and I never went dark. Riddles and non-answers, sure. But never completely unreachable."]
[15:58] <@esotericRemnant> ["Yeah well, it didn't sit right. Just off my Fate roll, eighteen months of it, had to do something. Spent a week looking for him, eventually found him at the bottom of one of the pits that led to the Underworld. There were wounds, but I couldn't tell if they were from underlings or not."]
[15:59] <staApp|online> [You wince quietly, but don't say anything for now.]
[16:00] <@esotericRemnant> ["I dragged him back to his Spire. Cremated him, and tried to keep going as best I could. For a week or so it was alright. Spent a lot of time with Alicia, the Space player for the session." You give a small smile. "I think she liked me, she gave me a frog after only talking once or twice."]
[16:03] <@esotericRemnant> [Your face grows hard again. "She was the next to go. She managed to buy herself enough time to get a single message off to me. 'He's going to kill me.'" I tried to make it to her, but I couldn't find her until an hour had passed. It was too late."]
[16:06] <@esotericRemnant> [You give a sigh and rub the bridge of your nose. "Now that made things complicated. There was two other 'hes' in the session. So I did what I thought best. I managed to talk to the Time player, Barbara, before anything happened, and we met up."]
[16:08] <staApp|online> [A nod. You sip at your juice quietly - nibbling or not, the sandwich didn't take you that long to finish.]
[16:08] <@esotericRemnant> ["I didn't know who the person doing it was, or why. But it didn't take long, he came looking for us. Dougal, Knight of Doom against a Guard of Might and a Muse of Time. We managed to win, but he had poisoned his blade or done something to it cause I was wasting away."]
[16:09] <@esotericRemnant> ["I...faced a dillema. I was new to replaying, thought everyone was in it together. I convinced myself and Barbara that we should kiss revive him. Theres no way he'd be doing it willingly right?" You give a humourless laugh.]
[16:10] <staApp|online> ["...ah." You reach over to pat his shoulder gently.]
[16:11] <@esotericRemnant> [You don't acknowledge it. "Even as Guard of Might protecting someone, I didn't last long when he came back. The poison made me slow and weak. And I found myself bleeding out on Prospit. I managed to get to the crypt in time, but..."]
[16:12] <@esotericRemnant> ["Everyone else was dead by the time I found them. Just me and him, and well...Beserk Triggers are a thing."]
[16:14] <@esotericRemnant> ["So there I was, not a month into the session, and everyone else was dead. And on top of that I lost connection to the memo, I was piggybacking on the dead Light player's connection, and with the ascension, I lost his dongle. Only finding out how to make one for myself at the very end."]
[16:17] <@esotericRemnant> [You finally look up at her. "Do you want to know how many times I've gone over those few weeks thinking of how many things I could have done differently so someone, anyone survived? I had months to go over it and over it."]
[16:18] <@esotericRemnant> ["But I knew, no matter how much I thought over it, what was done was done. You can't change the past as much as you wish you could."]
[16:25] <staApp|online> ["Not your fault it happened, though. Not your fault he went PK." You pat his shoulder again, looking somewhere between solemn and miserable.]
[16:26] <@esotericRemnant> [You place your hand on hers. "Just as it isn't your fault she went Speaker."]
[16:27] <staApp|online> [You sigh, looking more miserable.]
[16:29] <@esotericRemnant> ["Come on." You pull her up and in a hug.]
[16:38] <staApp|online> [You squeak in surprise, but don't resist - in fact, you hug him back after a few moments, captchaing  your glass of juice so it doesn't spill.]
[16:41] <@esotericRemnant> [You hug her tight. "Its alright to feel sad, to feel worried. But you can't let it control you."]
[16:42] <staApp|online> [You hug him back, and you can't quite keep yourself from whining softly. "...but she's hurting, an' I'm gonna /lose/ Toni, the Game will take her away from me an'..." Another whine and you have to bite your lip to keep from crying.]
[16:47] <@esotericRemnant> [You know everyone dies in the end, but you also know saying that won't help. "Take the time you have. I know its not much, but you have to try and make it worth it. Hold on to the memories you have and the moments you make before its done." You pat her back. "And she'll still be in the bubbles, even if shes not online any more, she'll still be there, and she'll be the same person."]
[16:48] <staApp|online> ["I /know/ she'll be in the bubbles - where..." You manage to bite back what you want to say - 'where do you think I found out' - and say, instead, "...that's where I found out. From her. She said it hasn't happened yet."]
[16:51] <@esotericRemnant> ["I..." You hesitate, you haven't told anyone outside your native about this. It might help, but it might not.]
[16:55] <@esotericRemnant> [You sigh and close your eyes, resting your head against her, you have to try. To do otherwise doesn't sit well. "I sort of know what its like. My uncle, before the game. He..."]
[16:57] <@esotericRemnant> [You swallow back some tears. "He had cancer, it was terminal. We both knew it was coming and there was nothing we could do about it."]
[17:00] <@esotericRemnant> ["He probably could've survived longer in the hospital, but he didn't want to do that. Surviving isn't enough sometimes, you need to live your life, not let what is coming rule you."]
[17:00] <staApp|online> [Your hug tightens, "..'m sorry." It helps, a bit. Knowing that you aren't /alone/, in this feeling.]
[17:02] <@esotericRemnant> ["He was happier that way. I'm not saying to go on like nothing will happen, but worrying about it endlessly will just make the time you do have feel a little less fulfilling." You sniff, you miss him.]
[17:03] <staApp|online> [You sniffle as well. "...but I /always/ worry." You don't know how not to, really.]
[17:03] <@esotericRemnant> ["So do I, but theres a difference between worrying and worrying endlessly. You have to try and find that balance."]
[17:06] <@esotericRemnant> ["If you /weren't/ worried for her, I'd be worried for you."]
[17:07] <staApp|online> ["And...part of what she said...it sounded like we end up rolling together again at some point, and..." Another whine. "It's bad enough if she dies in another session, where I can't protect her like I should. What if she dies where I /can/ protect her and /fail/?"]
[17:10] <@esotericRemnant> ["...I don't know...I wish I did. I wish I could help ease the burden, but I can't give you that assurance." Your heart hurts. You didn't even get to say goodbye to the person you'd give anything to protect.]
[17:13] <staApp|online> [You give in to the fight and weep on his shoulder, barely managing not to keen. You aren't grieving, not yet - not truly. Your bright, beautiful moirail is still alive for now, after all.]
[17:15] <@esotericRemnant> [You pat her back gently. Silently crying yourself. You miss Phoenix, and despite searching as soon as you entered the bubbles you haven't found her. You wish you knew why.]
[17:20] <@esotericRemnant> ["I'm sorry." Your voice is muffled and sad.]
[17:23] <staApp|online> [You hug him, managing a croon of sorts in response - you don't think you could manage to actually say anything, past the tears, right now.]
[17:26] <@esotericRemnant> [You want to say everything you're sorry for. For the sadness she has now, the loss that is to come, and the fact that, once again, you're acting like a morail. But you can't, she needs the comfort right now, and you'll have to do.]
[17:28] <@esotericRemnant> [You'll stand there until she feels better. You can't do anything less.]
[17:32] <staApp|online> [It takes a while for your tears to dry up. But eventually, there are no more to shed. You sniffle and pull back enough to look at him, pulling out a clean handkerchief to wipe at your face.]
[17:32] <staApp|online> [You aren't sure what to say now.]
[17:33] <@esotericRemnant> [You aren't either. You wipe your eyes and look at her before looking down, ashamed at what you have once again done.]
[17:34] <staApp|online> [You pat his shoulder gently. "'S alright. 'S...not really much different from hugging someone if they've gotten hit with corruption, right?"]
[17:35] <@esotericRemnant> ["Except I keep doing it. I'm sorry." You can't meet her eyes.]
[17:36] <staApp|online> [A sigh and you go with what seems like the best solution.]
[17:37] <staApp|online> [You pull him into another hug.]
[17:37] <@esotericRemnant> [You don't hug back. You have to maintain the distance.]
[17:38] <staApp|online> [You're not about to let him go!]
[17:40] <@esotericRemnant> [You don't know what to do. "This..." You sigh. "I have no bloody idea what I'm suppose to do with you anymore."]
[17:41] <staApp|online> ["I dunno what to do either." You nose at his shoulder, still hugging him.]
[17:43] <@esotericRemnant> [You, very tentatively, return the hug. She was the one who had a problem with it in the first place, if shes hugging you right now, its okay. Right?]
[17:43] <@esotericRemnant> [You're not sure if you're convinced.]
[17:44] <staApp|online> [The hug is still a thing that is happening. And you're not entirely sure if it should be, but it /seems/ like the right thing to do.]
[17:45] <@esotericRemnant> [Bloody hell. Things were complicated enough without throwing quadrants into the mix. You sigh and just go along with it, hugging her back properly.]
[17:46] <staApp|online> [You are starting to understand why Ross laughed maniacally at you when you asked if things got less complicated when you become a grownup.]
[17:47] <@esotericRemnant> ["So."]
[17:49] <@esotericRemnant> ["I still have no bloody idea."]
[17:50] <staApp|online> ["Fuck if I know, either."]
[17:51] <staApp|online> ["I could be someone else, if that'd help?"]
[17:53] <@esotericRemnant> [You sigh. "Thats only part of the problem, Timewolf. Being someone else means that the issues you have don't get looked at. Go as far as you want and let me know if I go too far myself. I don't know what to do otherwise."]
[17:54] <staApp|online> [A quiet nod. "What's the other part?"]
[17:55] <@esotericRemnant> ["Its still you. You may look different and think different. But you'd still remember."]
[18:06] <@esotericRemnant> [You sigh and try to break the hug. You're tired of everything being so confusing.]
[18:10] <staApp|online> [It takes you a moment to realize he's trying to pull away, but you let go.]
[18:14] <@esotericRemnant> [You look her in the eye this time. "Whatever you want to do Timewolf, let me know. I have no experience in this." Its not about you.]
[18:17] <staApp|online> [Except it /is/. You nod, though. "I...don't know right now. When I figure it out, I'll let you know."]
[18:17] <@esotericRemnant> ["Alright. Thanks." Your face is composed again.]
[18:18] <staApp|online> [You rub at the back of your neck, looking down at your lap.]
[18:21] <@esotericRemnant> ["So what do we do until then?" You move back to the kitchen and captcha the bread and bacon wrap.]
[18:23] <staApp|online> ["...I don't know. Figure out what works and what doesn't, I guess? I keep on with training..." Which reminds you, you're supposed to ask if you can spar your coplayers. You still haven't done that yet, though.]
[18:23] <@esotericRemnant> "Suppose so...and training?"]
[18:24] <staApp|online> ["Yeah. Legislacerator training - I have a mentormenter and everything. He's got a bunch of exercises I need to do every day, and some tasks he set me on top of that."]
[18:26] <@esotericRemnant> ["Ah. Do y-" You stop yourself. Getting too familiar.]
[18:28] <staApp|online> [You chirp at him inquisitively. "Do I what?"]
[18:28] <@esotericRemnant> ["Need any help?"]
[18:29] <staApp|online> ["Yes. I still need a good ranged 'kind, and I'm supposed to ask each of my coplayers for sparring practice and to teach me how they fight."]
[18:30] <@esotericRemnant> ["Ah. I can do that." You look at her bandaged ears. "Not today though. You need to get some rest. Here." You hand off the cards with the bread and bacon wrap in them. "Go and sleep. I'll spar with you another day."]
[18:32] <staApp|online> [You nod quietly and add the cards to your sylladex. "I'll go sleep, yeah." You'll hold him to the promise about sparring with you. But for now, you've got a cup of catnip tea to drink before crawling into your pile to sleep - more habit than necessity, now that your dreamself is awake, but it's an important habit to keep up.]
[18:32] <@esotericRemnant> [You leave her be. Your head spinning with confusion. Its never easy.]
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