Serial Cuddler

>Be Anon
>Walk into ponyville, lookin' for an oddjob to get them bits
>AS you walk the walk, you notice the absence of talk.
>The streets are eerily deserted.
>Windows slam shut as you pass
>Doors crash closed, with cluttered noises of barricading behind them.
>Meh, must be another vicious briar patch plague.
>Last time it was a tragedy.
>Tens of ponies, all hobbled around with thick thorns stuck in their coats.
>It was...
>Pathetic.
>I mean really, you've got unicorns, they didn't need to use the 'pouty face' on you to make you pick them clean.
>Not that you were complaining or anything...
>Moving on.
>You reach the town square, and it's empty.
>There's the sound of whistling wind, clattering shutters, and nothing else.
>There is also the distinct lack of any pointy briars.
>You look around, slightly bewildered and a little perturbed.
>Maybe this is a less 'owie thron stuck in hoofsie' and more 'tentacles burst out of a filly ... again' situation.
>You quickly scan the square, suddenly feeling exposed.
>Every innocent shadow, now ominous.
>The buildings, once just pony abodes, now hollow, now hiding hidden horrors.
>The sun, now slightly unkind, hard and hot.
>The wind, now coldly caressing your coat.
>You consider fucking right out of there.
>Then you hear whispers on the wind.
>The sound of hooves on stonework.
>The rumble of a stampede of hooves.
>You quickly turn as a flurry of mvement incarnate rushes at you, a blurry mass that flows and trots and leaps and bounds, catching you in the chest.
>You're overcome with shock and horror, the movement rushing around you and over you, pinning you down and suffocating you.
>You try and get your hands up to protect your face, but it reachs down and leers at you with its own fearsome visage.
>You try and roll away, but it's weight pins you down.
>You recoil, taking a deep breath, you go to scream for help, to beg for mercy-
>"'Sup Pinkie," you say, nonchalantly.
>"Hey Nonny!" he chirps.
>She suddenly goes serious.
>"Except NOPE, no 'Hey Nonnikins' to you! I take it back, a THOUSAND FOLD!" she gestures dramatically, before getting in your face again, "You know why?"
"Wh-"
>"HUSH you! You..." she drawls, before viciously pointing her hoof at you, "are under ARREST!"
>You look at Pinkie
>Pinkie POINTS at you.
>You narrow your eyes.
>She continues to POINT!
>You frown, raising an eyebrow.
>Her POINTING diminishes slightly.
>You sit up, and she falls back on her butt.
>She's looking more unsure now, but continues to point.
>You brush yourself off, and look at her.
>She looks around lamely, before shrugging.
>You shake your head.
"Why am I-"
>In a flash your back on the ground, with Pinkie pinning you down.
>The fu-
>"Because I have it on GOOD AUTHORITY - namely Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, Princess Cadence, Shining Armour, Discord, Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Ditzy, Fluttershy, Discord-when-he's-pretending-to-be-Fluttershy, Fluttershy-as-a-guy, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, the Chimera, all the Canterlot ponies, all the ponies in Ponyville, ALL the ponies and Spike, that YOU are a CUDDLER!"
>...
>What.
"What."
>She does a back flip off you, before presenting a scroll.
>It says 'Cuddler Update', with a picture of you and  alist of all your 'crimes'.
"...'combat...petting..?'" you say, disbelieving.
>"Yep!" says Pinkie, "And now, to prevent your wickedly cuddling ways, you have to come with me to the Pokey!"
"Wait..."
>You point at the scroll.
"You're saying these things are criminal, yeah?"
>"Well DUUUH!" says Pinkie.
"Like bear hugs and boop and back massages as-"
>"Of COURSE!" she announces.
"Like what you do every single day?"
>"Yepparoooooo...." she trails off.
"And every single other pony does every day?"
>She looks at you, her eyes bugging out.
>"Sweet Celestia!" she declares, "You know, you know what this MEANs Nonny!?"
"...that you're a fool?"
>"NO!" she cries, "It means we ALL have to go to the Pokey!"
>You roll your eyes as Pinkie handcuffs herself, and trots off.
>You turn to an abandoned stall, to discover that it isn't abandanded anymore and Applejack's at it.
"...sup?" you say.
>"Hey, don worry nothin' sugarcube," says Orange Honesty, "She jus' wanted an excuse ta throw a party at the jail. Ah mean, its not like we thought you were a Serial Cuddla' or somethin'."
"Yeah, but that's just silly AJ," you say, smirking.
>She smiles sheepishly, before you begin shooting the breeze, as more and more ponies come back out of hiding, and a confetti shower erupts from downtown.
(spoiled)
>But inside, you breathe a sigh of relief.
>They almost found out your horrible secret.
>You ARE a Serial Cuddler.
>And you smile, as you think there may be another 'briar patch plague' tonight.