Dulls puns 2019-03-02

The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.#If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?#What sounds last call? A barbell.#I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.#If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?#The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.#37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court. They will be sentenced next Friday.#What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.#The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.#What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.#Now that they allow us to wear jeans at the office everyday, I am no longer a slacker.#Puppies learn how to behave by following a strict dogma.#I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite… He said NaBrO#I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs. It was Wong on so many levels.#Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.#A skunk breeder is a person of phew words.#A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.#Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.#When the dog swallowed a bell, his bark began pealing.#Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.#Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.#A hydrologist has a high-pressure job.#R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.#What do you call a young musician? A minor.#I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!#Some mathematicians are on the negative side while others are quite positive.#I used to Rhydon the bus but then I got my license#I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!#Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.#The Irish should be rich because their capital is always Dublin.#The stripper was getting tired of the same old thong and dance.#The dead batteries were given out free of charge.#The pilot was a loner but even for him flying a drone was just too remote.#I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.#A sports coat worn on a hike is a trailblazer.#Old math teachers never die, they just become irrational.#While walking through the jungle with a black marker, I spotted a leopard.#I still had some Snubbull after shaving#What is a Yevonite's most hated pick-up line? Al-Bhed you.#Why are the Al-Bhed misunderstood? People think they are wanting to make war when they would rather be machina pun instead.#To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!#Hanging out with skyscraper builders is so boring! It's story after story.#Why couldn't Yuna summon her aeons? She lacked Fayth.#Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.#My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.#The man's pants zipper broke, but he fixed it on the fly.#Why are pigs so bad at soccer?  They are always hogging the ball!#Have you heard about the film "Constipation", you probably haven't because it's not out yet.#I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.#The inept mathematician couldn't count on his friends.#Dunsparce's evolution should be named Dunplenty#The marine biology student took a math course called algae-bra.#What room has no floors, no ceiling and no walls? A mushroom!#Is he wearing Abra?#When you dig up ghosts from the past, burying them again is a phenomenal undertaking.#Audino any more good puns#A mountain climbing math teacher found an adder at the sum-mit.#Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.#Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.#He was a great mathematician, although he did leave naught behind for his family.#There is no Shaymin trying to find a new pun.#If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?#Why did Tidus start hitting himself when he woke up in the morning? He had a case of Bad Breath.#I strongly dislike the subject of math, however I am partial to fractions.#The math teacher was hungry, but all she had to eat was a piece of pi.#To write with a broken pencil is pointless.#The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.#I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.#what do you call an anniversary that happens in may? An Anni-may#I made a clock mad. It was ticked.#Could you call me on my Phione?#I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.#The linen shop gave their employees free bedding. Even their accountant had his own handmade spread sheet.#Your mama’s so FAT she can’t save files bigger than 4GB.#The plot twist in the movie Oriental Fish-press was a red herring all along.#How do trees access the internet? They log on.#I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.#They’re building a restaurant on Mars now. They say the food will be great, but they’re worried about a lack of atmosphere.#If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?#I touched an electric eel the other day. It was shocking.#How does Ixion's anthem begin? "Djose can you see..."#How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.#To write with a broken pencil is pointless.#Why is Kimahri usually silent? He tends to find that nothing needs to Besaid.#Have you seen the story of Braska's journey through the spheres Jecht left behind? It "shapes" up real nicely.#I can't find my rutabaga. I hope it will turnip.#What did Tidus's dad say to his mom when he was born? "Sorry, honey! Gotta Jecht!"#Things get tense when the future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar.#What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.#I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days.#A good meteor shower can really rock your world.#You will address me as "Sir", because Omanyte of the round table#Q: What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? A: Guardians of the Galaxy.#The hunter stir-fried his game because he liked to wok on the wild side.#I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.#What is an Al-Bhed's favorite baked good? Un-Yevon-ed bread.#Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.#I Luvdisc thing we've got going on#I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.#The display of still-life art was not at all moving!#This morning some clown opened the door for me. I thought to myself that's a nice Jester.#The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything"#These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.#What's a time traveler's favourite game? A Link to the Past#Snakes Swallot their prety whole#How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.#Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.#I lost my rare deck of Tarot cards. I was sad. They cost me a fortune.#When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.#I hate peer pressure and you should too.#Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!#What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.#Where do fish go on vacation? Finland.#How does Lee finish putting on his suit? With his Tie-jutsu...#So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!#The math teacher was a good dancer - he had algorithm.#I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.#If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.#What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together? CSI#Why did the Maesters need glasses? So they could Seymour.#This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!#Models of dragons are not to scale.#I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.#I couldn't see a good cow pun if it was steering me in the face.#Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.#I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.#Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.#The earth's rotation really makes my day.#My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.#The shovel was a ground breaking invention.#The boys Arbok in town#My Sister was crying so I asked her if she was having a cry-sis.#Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.#Why do grizzlies never look sad? Because whenever there's a problem, they just grin and bear it.#Wife: "You're addicted to skin lotion!" Husband: "Go ahead. Rub it in my face."#A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".#Circus dogs fly through the air with the greatest of fleas.#If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.#Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.#I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full", I thought, "I can't turn that down".#I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..#The purpose of the guards at the Blitzball stadium in Luca is to drive a Bigg Wedge between the players and the fans.#I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.#What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine!#Old artists never retire they withdraw!#It's raining cats and dogs. Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.#What is the difference between a living and a dead Spiran? Why ask me, the difference is Farplane to see.#My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him "oh yeah we'll see about that!"#I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.#I would tell you a joke about squirrels, but you would go nuts.#Things made in Australia are high koala-ty.#On a scale of 1 to 10, I rate Noah's Arcanine#The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.#I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.#I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.#Don't Weedle in more Pokémon puns into this conversation#I used to work at a fire hydrant factory couldn't park nowhere near the place.#How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.#Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? It was two tired.#The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated.#Don't let life get you a little Gloom#Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.#The magazine's rationale for running the story was paper thin.#Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.#Several states were delighted by the solar eclipse.#Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.#Can February March? No, but April May.#I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.#I can cut wood by looking at it. Trust me I saw it with my own eyes.#The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor#Why is it okay for Yuna to put her elbows on the table and chew with her mouth open during dinner? Because law only requires her to have Summoners.#If a short psychic broke out of jail, then you'd have a small medium at large.#I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.#I make bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon#Anyone who wanted to sell fish had to get permission from grandpa. He was known as the cod father.#People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.#When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.#What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.#Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek? Because he was always spotted.#A cowbell is what you call a lovely Southern cow.#If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"#Did you hear about the man who got killed by a bear? It was a grizzly death.#Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.#Some mathematicians are reluctant to cosine a loan.#Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: "Beef Jerky!"#The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.#Where do the people of Spira learn to summon Aeons? The Yunaversity#I recently got a new Korean mechanic but it's hard to understand him - he speaks with a Hyundai Accent!#The first drinking establishment in Alaska was a polar bar.#I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.#What's a sailor's favorite meal? Fish and ships.#Baby, I wish I were DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.#Ekans see where you're going with this#Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.#The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.#I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.#Thanks to my doctor, my Hypno longer hurts#Any type of criticism would aggregate the builder including constructive criticism.#How do you organize a fantastic space party? You planet.#I just found an origami porn channel, but it is paper view only.#Why did Tidus and crew ruin Yuna's wedding? They wanted to get a better Valefor her.#Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.#My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.#Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.#Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!#Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?#The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.#The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.#A teacher asks a student, "Are you ignorant or just apathetic?" The kid answers, "I don't know and I don't care."#What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.#Why do the people enjoy the Maesters? They find them in-SPIRA-tional.#What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!#If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.#Old math profs never die, they just can't differentiate.#It is customary to say "lettuce begin" before a food fight.#Pig puns are so boaring.#This business Metang was very productive#Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.#I read this book about Mount Everest. It was quite the cliff hanger.#People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.#A mathematician who was also a horticulturist was interested in prime roots square roots and trees in general.#My favourite travel destination is Paras#When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.#What do you give a tired programmer? Java.#Telling a demolitionist how to do his job is destructive criticism.#Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks.#Don't spell part backwards. It's a trap.#The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.#Even the smallest egg farms are multi-layer organisations.#Why is the navy full of anime fans? Because they love subs.#Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.#Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.#The arrogant math teacher finally ate a slice of humble pi.#Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.#Ghost-writers lift the spirit of the readers.#I lost a Sawk in the washing machine#I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.#To the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing.#Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds!#The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.#What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.#I have problems with math but with chemistry, I have solutions.#A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."#I know a mathematician who could not afford to eat. He could binomial.#The librarian didn't know what to do with the book about Tesla's love of electricity, so he filed it under 'Current Affairs.'#Kakuna Rattata, what a wonderful phrase. It means no worries Forretress of your days#Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.#What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.#The inept telegrapher was a weapon of Morse destruction.#I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.#On land crabs tend to use the sidewalk.#Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.#Pigs flying is an example of swine flew.#I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died, but I was delighted.#I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.#Oops, I jumped into the pool with my watch on. I don't know if it is waterproof or not. I guess only time will tell.#What do you mean June is over? Julying.#Why are the Ronso fans of the United States? Because they are Yenke Doodle Dandys!#Installing a new bathroom fan is exhausting.#At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line!#What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.#Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.#The man put his name on the neck of his shirt so he would have collar ID.#A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.#I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.#I tried to catch some fog, I mist.#Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.#Whiteboards ... are remarkable.#The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.#Why are chocobos used for investigations? They're good at making in-KWEH-ries.#What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.#People who lack the patience for calligraphy will never have properly formed characters.#I'm not gonna Raichu a love song#Learning to sleep upside down is often hard for baby bats, but they soon get the hang of it.#Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!#A butcher was trying so hard to be funny, but he just wasn't making the cut.#I wrote a book about birds. It flew off the shelf.#I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.#If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.#Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.#Old math profs never die -- they just use strange expressions.#If you said you were from South America, I would not Bolivia.#What did the girl say when she was accused of singing in class? "It's not me! It's hymn!"#Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.#I hated being a math teacher. It was a miscalculated move.#Thank you, my arms, for always being there by my side.#Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.#I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.#Sausage puns are the wurst.#These puns have left me Wheezing with laughter#Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? A: Pull down its genes!#I Marill bad judge of puns#I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it.#My math teacher called me average. How mean!#When I took first place in the sewing competition, I thought that I had better quilt while I was ahead.#What do organic mathematicians throw into their fireplaces? Natural Logs.#Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.#Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.#Why was Kimahri kicked out of the Ronso band? Because he was horn-less.#I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.