Batman: Arkham Origins is a prequel to Arkham Asylum and a sequel to The Land Before Time.

You play as a younger and less handsome Batman, when he was just starting his career of ILLEGAL vigilantism and his parents were slightly less dead. But still very dead by normal human standards. The game takes place on Christmas eve, a time for celebration and also a time when the diner turns on its heater in the alley and I can be warm at night. A man called Roman Sionis, Negrodomis aka: the Black Mask and totally the main villain for the entire game has hired several assassins to come make Batman like his parents for the low low price of 50 million Vietnamese Dongs. These villains include Bane, Deathstroke, Deadshot, and several villains you've never actually heard of.

The combat is much the same as it was the last two games, only with a few more features, such as electric gloves that also double as a nifty way to power your cellphone. Much like a microwave. It also adds a few new enemy types, such as discount Jet Li, and roid-monsters. But old enemies return as well like the random mook, and of course those creatures I am deathly of: girls.

Stealth is pretty much the same, only this time you also get an upgrade to your spider-man web in the form of a gun that allows you to strap people to gargoyles so you can wrap them up and suck out their juicy goo like the evil man-spider you are. You awful, awful monster.

The collectible riddler side-mission returns, only this time it reminds me of my high-school years: long and heartbreaking. The riddles and Batman trivia is gone in favor of collecting datapacks that I spent more time doing than I care to admit. There are also these invisible icons left behind by some chump called Anarky, and much like the gay agenda, they are everywhere.

The game itself is rather jarring compared to the first two Arkham games. While Rocksteady made a rather loving tribute to the Dark Knights in comic and cartoon, Arkham Origins feels much like the movies, taking many assets from the Dark Knight trilogy and clashing themes together much like the skin tone between me and my African twin. Though you can use one of the many skins for Batman after you complete the game, most of them tend to not fit with the theme the game is going for, so you're left out like a DnD nerd at a Fantasy Football meet up.

The game also gives you the option of playing as Deathstroke in the challenge maps, a character that is rather easy to beat even on the hard difficulty and only shows up maybe twice through the entire thing. And even then, he's just a re-skin of Robin from Arkham City. So you're basically just playing as Robin during his rebellious teenage years.

This all being said, would I actually recommend Batman's third crusade through the streets of Angsty Metropolis? I guess, if you liked the first two. The side missions are unfulfilling and the Riddler missions make me want to rethink my life choice as a professional street Luchadore. But the game still held my attention for longer than I care to admit, and I still like to look at Bruce's chisled jaw and amazing abs.
That still doesn't make me gay.

6/10. Did you know that the M on Mario's hat stands for Mario?