Drunkenly typed up Anon in Equestria Thing

>Chillin' on your couch, watching the tv.
>Pop! Suddenly you're in Equestria. How? Fucking magic, I ain't got to explain shit.
>You know it's Equestria because..., because fuck you that's why.
>So you're in Equestria now. Neato. Off in the distance you see a town Lets just call it Ponyville.
>You walk into town. Surprisingly all dose p0nies have no fear of you.
>They come up to you in droves, asking a gorillion questions. Most of which you just make up answers to.
"Anon. Human. Earth. I dunno, fucking magic? Why yes, I am a god. 42. They're called hands. NO you can't touch them."
>Suddenly you're tackled to the ground by a pink cokehead p0ny.
>"OOOOOH!YOU'RENEWHEREIKNOWEVERYP0NEBUTNOTYOUIKNOWI'LLTHROWAPARTYBECAUSEPLOTCONVENIENCEAREYOUOKGUYYOUSEEMUPSETISTHE...."
>You shiver in fear, hoping it doesn't take your terrified stare as an insult. Shit son, don't look it in the eyes! It may take it as a sign of aggresion.
>"YOU'RECOMINGTOTHEPARTYRIGHTOHGOSHYOULLGETTOMEETEVERYP0NYINTOWNWON'TTHATBEGREATMRANON?"
>Oh fuck, she asked a question. Something about a party you think.
"Ummmmm... yes?", you wimper out.
>Great! It's at Sugarcube Corner in a hour! Don't be late!" With a barely audible hum she vanishes into the space between the fourth wall.
>The fuck was that?
>It's day one in Equestria, one hour later. You're inside Sugarcube Corner and this party is fucking gay.
>You meet the rest of the mane six and most of the town, shit and/or things happen. Berry Punch get's drunk on her own stash and makes a pass at you.
>Ew, no.
>You spend the rest of the party chatting with Twilight and answering her questions about Earth.
>After the party you stay the night in Twilight's guest room. The next morning you wake up feeling kinda shitty.
>Thanks to the lack of booze, for you at least, at that lame ass party you don't have the usual dranktoofuckingmuchohgawd morning feel, you're actually sick.
>Aw shit, you know what it is. You caught that fucking weakass flu thing that's was going around at work.
>One of those, not sick enough to stay home from work but sick enough to fuck up your day things.
>Fukken perfect. You get up and go ask Twilight if there's a p0ny equivalent of Walgreens.
>Walking to the housebrary upstairs you see her sprawled out on the floor by her bed.
>Rushing to her side you place a hand on her shoulder. Holy fuck she's burning up. You pick her up and put her in her bed.
>Oh god she looks like the people in that movie Outbreak before they died.
"Hey Twilight, uh, you alright?"
>She responds by having a seizure. Not knowing what the fuck to do you go for help.
>You run through the streets yelling for help but nop0ny can be seen. ghosttowntumbleweed.gif
>You see a sign that says hospital. Good thing for you the Equestrian language is english. You follow it.
>Inside it's a madhouse. The sick and dying line the halls. Doctors and nurses in plastic p0ny environmental suits are galloping around frantically.
>Holy shit it's almost like the opening scene of a zombie movie up in here. You grab a nurse by her suit's collar.
"Please! You gotta help me! thefuckwashername....Purplesmart!, she's all shaking and has a wicked bad fever yo. You gotta send help!"
>Her face pales, "OHFUCK IT'STHE HOST! LEMMIEGOLEMMIEGOLEMMIEGO!", she frantically tries to free herself from you grip.
"Calm the fuck down! The hell is wrong with you lady?", your soothing words fail to calm her as she continues to struggle.
>The suit tears. Her eyes, already the size of dinner plates, manage to grow even more fuckheug somehow. "SUIT BREACH!"
>She runs from you screaming about vitamins or something. A serious looking older unicorn p0ny in another suit trots up to you.
>"You! Do you have any idea what you have done?"
"Wut?"
>You brought this plague upon us you Celestia-damned dirty ape!"
>"You brought some alien disease to our world and it's spreading with the speed of zebras across P0nyville."
"Hey that sucks and all but that librarian p0ny needs help still."
>"You said she was shaking, like she was having a seizure?" You nod your head. "She's already dead then."
>A sudden wave of sadness hits you. Good job Anon, your babby widdle flu thing just killed best pone.
>You turn to leave. "Where do you think you're going? Your help is required to find a cure for this. All we need are some blood and tissue samples from you."
>You agree and follow him into a back room. You lie down on an exam table and roll up your sleeve. "This is a noble thing you are doing Mr. Anon."
>Yeah you are pretty awesome you think to yourself as the doctor p0ne fills a few vials of blood.
>"Not many would give up their own life so willing to save p0nies they don't even know.", he says as orderlies suddenly surround you and hold you down.
"Wut? You said you just needed some samples!", you cry out struggling against the orderlies.
>He leans over you with a sad look in his eyes. "Yes Mr. Anon, I need A LOT of samples." Floating behind him with his magic is a metric fuckton of sample bottles.
>"I'll try not to make it too painful if it's any consolation to you.", he says with a sad smile.
"Awwww hell nah!"
>With a sudden burst of strength you break free and jump off the table.
>"Surprise cockfags!", you scream as you throw a right hook at Dr. P0ne.
>Right hook was super effective! Dr. P0ne is knocked the fuck out.
>The orderlies are stunned. Taking the opportunity you haul ass out the room and down the hall.
>Knocking over fillies and the elderly alike you burst through the main entrance and zoom on down the road. Fuck this gay Equestria. You out.
>Taking what your gut tells you is the safe path you go inna woods.
>Your gut is liar and a whore. These woods are all sorts of unsafe. Goddamned punwolves and shit.
>Time to man the fuck up and use all the survival skills you learned watching Man vs. Wild.
>A week later you die of exposure and shame from having drank your own piss.
>Months later the p0ny apocalypse passes with only a few hundred thousand deaths.
>Luckily for all dem p0nies a certain minty green unicorn had antibodies to the humans virus and a  vaccine was developed.
>How did she develop antibodies to a completely alien virus? Let's just say your recently discovered dessicated corpse had a "hand" in it.