jokes 040915

Get business cards from other people and scratch their name and info out and write mine.

Male comedians are always going on about how crazy or insane their ex girlfriend or ex wife is. Apparently the definition of crazy is, “woman who does not want to put up with an egomaniacal, childish asshole.” It just seems like such bullshit to me. “Oh my life is so hard; my girlfriend is so crazy. Sometimes I patronize her or try to hook up with her friends and she just starts these fights completely out of nowhere.” I think my problem is just that I hate all men. Yes, all men.

My ex girlfriend was totally crazy, though. Sometimes we would just be sitting there talking and she would all of a sudden experience visual and auditory hallucinations and go into a catatonic state. Girls are crazy.

I was in class once and the professor was talking about how there hasn’t yet been a woman president in the United States. There have been plenty in other countries, just not in the free world. This girl in my class raised her hand and when the professor acknowledged her she said, “I can’t be president because I have a period every month.” I’m serious; this girl said that out loud with her mouth and every jaw in the room hit the floor. She didn’t follow this up with a “just kidding” either, so the professor just went back to lecturing as though nothing happened.

I was at the movies the other day and I bought a box of sno-caps, which are also called nonpereils. I don’t know what pereils are, but I can tell you with certainty that they are the opposite of sno-caps.

I’m going on tour this summer. I’m not going to write any material; instead I’m just going to recite Lisa Lampanelli jokes ver batim. I’m calling it the Lisa Lampoonelli tour. I’m taking this tour seriously, though. I’ve been doing some method acting in preparation. I’ve been exclusively fucking black guys for the past two months now.

I play guitar, so I considered using that skill as a part of my comedy act. But then I thought, “Being able to do something isn’t reason enough to incorporate something in my act; just because I know how to cook spaghetti and take a shit doesn’t mean I should combine those efforts. On second thought that would save me a lot of time…but when would I do my crosswords? Anyway here’s a song (insert song here after writing a song at some point).

When I was 21, I thought of myself as a very tolerant and progressive person, so when my best friend Max started wearing a rubber, pink dog collar whenever we went out in public, I acted like I was completely cool with it. But inside my head I was like, “what the fuck is this nonsense?” I felt embarrassed being seen with him, and when he didn’t seem embarrassed for it, I felt embarrassed for him. It’s the kind of embarrassment that stems from a place of insecurity; I felt, and still feel, uncomfortable in my own skin while my friend was confident wearing a flashy dog collar in fucking Kentucky, home of zero tolerance to the fringe. I then felt embarrassed for myself and the fact that I proclaim to be some liberal extremist but I still have these layers of conservative shame that I can’t seem to shake. I felt like a fraud. I remember lying awake in my bed one night a few years ago, just mulling all of these ingredients for a personality crisis around in my head. My girlfriend at the time woke up and saw that I wasn’t sleeping and asked me what was wrong, so I told her, “I feel weird about Max wearing that dog collar everywhere and I feel guilty for feeling weird about it because it isn’t fair for me to project my insecurities onto him.” I was lucky she had woken up, because she turned out to be ultimately very helpful in calming me down. I’ll never forget, she said to me, “Ben, Max is allowed to wear a collar. He is a dog.” And I said, “Yeah…I know what you mean.”

Being both depressed and overweight means I feel full and empty at the same time. It's deliciously tragic.

I want my comedy to have a little bit of pain in it, a little bit of human suffering, but with a silver lining. I want to use my comedy to represent views and voices that are often misrepresented in comedy and in our world in general. I want to my comedy to be a vessel through which good ideas are spread. I want to use my comedy to break down walls. No I mean like literally break down walls. Like I turn a phrase in such a ridiculous way that I blast a brick wall to pieces. I want to conjure demons and harbor fugitives with my comedy. I want my comedy to dance with danger and flirt with chaos and be home in time for dinner. I want to turn my comedy into a gun and use it to shoot a hole in head of the status quo. But mostly I want my comedy to be humbling and discerning. I wonder what my comedy wants out of me…

I’m 25 and it’s 2015 so a lot of people I know used to identify as one gender and now identify as a different gender, which is totally cool and I respect these individuals, but as someone who has a terrible memory, this is a nightmare. It’s not just the memorization of new names and pronouns but also I’m not always sure if my friends have changed genders or if I’m just remembering them incorrectly. I have a friend who likes to be referred to as “they” when it comes to pronouns. My heart is in the right place, but I seriously can’t help but picturing an army of my friend whenever I hear them referred to as “they”. I just need to make sure I keep on eye on the situation because pluralizing oneself is a gateway to cloning.

The basic idea behind transitioning genders is that if you feel like a different gender on the inside, you should be able to express that by changing your exterior to reflect the gender you identify as. Unfortunately the same rules do not apply to a white male who wants to be black. People just thought I was being racist; I was just expressing myself.